staying detached during extreme A behaviour
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
staying detached during extreme A behaviour
first, about me and my progress.. then about him and his "progress"..
doing okay. 6 therapy sessions in and taking a wee break to try out living the strategies we've talked over, the T wants his clients to have regular opportunities to avoid over dependence on the role of T in their lives - it reassures me that he isn't in this game to maximise his income through lots of sessions, and the month of "going it alone" is turning out okay.
i've taken lots of time out from work and gone on a little holiday to the south of the country, enjoying sunshine and staying with some dear old friends just now which has been restorative and much needed.
been doing a lot of reading around mothering, under mothered people, re-parenting etc, and it has been so helpful to see myself in some of these scenarios and feel that the holes i've been trying to fill are not so rare, and that there are ways to meet my own needs (now that i am at least beginning to see that I have them!) without rushing into help-mode with another partner who sees my vulnerability as their opportunity.
turning my face toward the future and hoping that the worst is over for my relationship to myself. learning to love me for me.
him.
STBXAH has been on a massive bender. he had stopped using facebook about a year before we separated, and popped up last week being erratic on my friends pages, posting music videos through the night, flagging old photos for me to remove.. i designated him as an acquaintance (so he didn't keep popping up in my feed) while i considered what to do (obviously defriend is the thing to do, but its hard to take another step, even though its the right one.. waiting to feel ready about it..)
thursday morning last week, i received a call from my boss's wife, who was a bridesmaid at our wedding, to say that STBXAH had posted on his FB that he was going to kill himself that day. a bunch of his idiot friends, not taking it seriously, goaded him about it, and then he went offline. she called me to make me aware, and to suggest i should call his mum (ummm. no?!).
very upsetting.
mutual friends start contacting me for his last known address, phone number etc. his cousin reaches out for the same. his best friend calls the police and apparently by the time his mum got to him, he'd already been escorted to hospital by the police. i provided the info i had, and stepped away - the following facts were fed back to me through a remote family member i've secretly kept in touch with.
he was too drunk to complete a psych evaluation, so the hospital kept him to sober up and then re-assessed in afternoon. obviously he was released because he was simply drunk from a 3-5 day bender, saying things he knew would get a reaction. not a danger to himself, apart from the glaringly obvious alcohol problem. he's now in the medical system with the events now in his notes, hopefully this will mean targeted support can be made available.
he apparently shot his drunk mouth off all afternoon and spilled his misery guts to his mum and 2 other family members while they waited for him to be reassessed and then released. i am so relieved that this is no longer an extremely well kept secret (huge denial in his enabling immediate family, his dad is blatently an A too), and that his wider family have been able to witness my reasons for leaving, without me having to do anything to communicate them. more will be revealed was what i held on to when i walked out on a family i'd grown to feel part of, with no opportunity to explain myself.
i know the next step for me is to continue with the separation agreement, and progress to divorce in november.
i do feel relieved that he didn't seriously hurt himself, vindicated that his family now know the choices i had to make and the pressure i was under, and also proud of myself that i didn't get on the codie-mobile, and rush over there to try to help fix the situation.
anyway. can i get a few high fives for holding my own, not getting involved, staying out of it as much as i could..
and after the high fives, i'm ready for some pushing to take the next steps to disconnect some more. have a conversation with the people necessary that i don't want to be told what he is doing, even if it is the extreme **** he has just pulled.. defriend his facebook, return the last of his stuff (i'm thinking I'll give it to the remote family member and suggest that getting any more updates would be unwelcome from her too).. issue the papers and get the **** out of this period of my life..
thanks for reading, and for all the support SR has given me so far. very grateful.
x
doing okay. 6 therapy sessions in and taking a wee break to try out living the strategies we've talked over, the T wants his clients to have regular opportunities to avoid over dependence on the role of T in their lives - it reassures me that he isn't in this game to maximise his income through lots of sessions, and the month of "going it alone" is turning out okay.
i've taken lots of time out from work and gone on a little holiday to the south of the country, enjoying sunshine and staying with some dear old friends just now which has been restorative and much needed.
been doing a lot of reading around mothering, under mothered people, re-parenting etc, and it has been so helpful to see myself in some of these scenarios and feel that the holes i've been trying to fill are not so rare, and that there are ways to meet my own needs (now that i am at least beginning to see that I have them!) without rushing into help-mode with another partner who sees my vulnerability as their opportunity.
turning my face toward the future and hoping that the worst is over for my relationship to myself. learning to love me for me.
him.
STBXAH has been on a massive bender. he had stopped using facebook about a year before we separated, and popped up last week being erratic on my friends pages, posting music videos through the night, flagging old photos for me to remove.. i designated him as an acquaintance (so he didn't keep popping up in my feed) while i considered what to do (obviously defriend is the thing to do, but its hard to take another step, even though its the right one.. waiting to feel ready about it..)
thursday morning last week, i received a call from my boss's wife, who was a bridesmaid at our wedding, to say that STBXAH had posted on his FB that he was going to kill himself that day. a bunch of his idiot friends, not taking it seriously, goaded him about it, and then he went offline. she called me to make me aware, and to suggest i should call his mum (ummm. no?!).
very upsetting.
mutual friends start contacting me for his last known address, phone number etc. his cousin reaches out for the same. his best friend calls the police and apparently by the time his mum got to him, he'd already been escorted to hospital by the police. i provided the info i had, and stepped away - the following facts were fed back to me through a remote family member i've secretly kept in touch with.
he was too drunk to complete a psych evaluation, so the hospital kept him to sober up and then re-assessed in afternoon. obviously he was released because he was simply drunk from a 3-5 day bender, saying things he knew would get a reaction. not a danger to himself, apart from the glaringly obvious alcohol problem. he's now in the medical system with the events now in his notes, hopefully this will mean targeted support can be made available.
he apparently shot his drunk mouth off all afternoon and spilled his misery guts to his mum and 2 other family members while they waited for him to be reassessed and then released. i am so relieved that this is no longer an extremely well kept secret (huge denial in his enabling immediate family, his dad is blatently an A too), and that his wider family have been able to witness my reasons for leaving, without me having to do anything to communicate them. more will be revealed was what i held on to when i walked out on a family i'd grown to feel part of, with no opportunity to explain myself.
i know the next step for me is to continue with the separation agreement, and progress to divorce in november.
i do feel relieved that he didn't seriously hurt himself, vindicated that his family now know the choices i had to make and the pressure i was under, and also proud of myself that i didn't get on the codie-mobile, and rush over there to try to help fix the situation.
anyway. can i get a few high fives for holding my own, not getting involved, staying out of it as much as i could..
and after the high fives, i'm ready for some pushing to take the next steps to disconnect some more. have a conversation with the people necessary that i don't want to be told what he is doing, even if it is the extreme **** he has just pulled.. defriend his facebook, return the last of his stuff (i'm thinking I'll give it to the remote family member and suggest that getting any more updates would be unwelcome from her too).. issue the papers and get the **** out of this period of my life..
thanks for reading, and for all the support SR has given me so far. very grateful.
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
anyway. can i get a few high fives for holding my own, not getting involved, staying out of it as much as i could..
Can't find any smilies high-fiving each other!
and after the high fives, i'm ready for some pushing to take the next steps to disconnect some more. have a conversation with the people necessary that i don't want to be told what he is doing, even if it is the extreme **** he has just pulled.. defriend his facebook, return the last of his stuff (i'm thinking I'll give it to the remote family member and suggest that getting any more updates would be unwelcome from her too).. issue the papers and get the **** out of this period of my life..
Give yourself some peace for a bit. You'll be surprised at how amazingly quiet life is when we remove the drama from it.
Keep on keepin' on!
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I blocked my ex on Facebook so I can't see any of his comings and goings. I blocked my A-SIL as well, because she's so dramatic and we have a lot of mutual friends. It's not that I hate them or anything, but seeing their happy wall posts made me rage-y, so I chose to remove that element from my life.
Your plans sound solid and you sound ready to put them in action.
It was always particularly telling for me when I would draw a line in the sane (TYPO, but I'm leaving it because it's a hilarious Freudian slip) dealing with AH's behavior, and he continued playing out these highly dramatic patterns with the rest of the friends and family. As the stories would leak back to me, it was evidence that not only was his behavior clearly not about me, but also that my involvement would neither help nor hinder him. He was what he was because he chose not to change his life.
He still has choices. Luckily, so do you.
xx
Your plans sound solid and you sound ready to put them in action.
It was always particularly telling for me when I would draw a line in the sane (TYPO, but I'm leaving it because it's a hilarious Freudian slip) dealing with AH's behavior, and he continued playing out these highly dramatic patterns with the rest of the friends and family. As the stories would leak back to me, it was evidence that not only was his behavior clearly not about me, but also that my involvement would neither help nor hinder him. He was what he was because he chose not to change his life.
He still has choices. Luckily, so do you.
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Ugggh. Spoke to soon.
The separation agreement was sent to me today for approval before issuing to STBXAH, and in an instant, all my resolve drains away. Feel sick and nervous.
Telling myself stories about how this will be received. I instructed the solicitor to proceed a day or two before he did the suicide FB stuff, which was fortunate in that I'd probably have wussed out due to his erratic and unstable / manipulative behaviour.
Need to push through this and on out to the future.
Feel guilt, fear and deep sadness to have to do this.
So hard.
The separation agreement was sent to me today for approval before issuing to STBXAH, and in an instant, all my resolve drains away. Feel sick and nervous.
Telling myself stories about how this will be received. I instructed the solicitor to proceed a day or two before he did the suicide FB stuff, which was fortunate in that I'd probably have wussed out due to his erratic and unstable / manipulative behaviour.
Need to push through this and on out to the future.
Feel guilt, fear and deep sadness to have to do this.
So hard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Just keep going, LeSigh. You can get through this. It will get better. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, though.
All you who are going through this now, and those who have already done it - thank you all for sharing your struggles. I am not at that point, but if and when I get there, YOU will be the ones lighting the way for me.
All you who are going through this now, and those who have already done it - thank you all for sharing your struggles. I am not at that point, but if and when I get there, YOU will be the ones lighting the way for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Just keep going. See the suicidal manipulation stuff as what it is. He can't tell people outright that he's miserable and hates his life so he pulls these crazy antics so they rush to him and help him out, leaving him helpless to help himself until he DOES IT AGAIN.
I filed for divorce while my AH was still in rehab -- it was rehab #4, granted -- and I called him and his parents to say I was sorry but I wasn't going to keep going in this direction. Since then they have all but cut me and my son out and go on like nothing's wrong, like my AH isn't 35 and living in his parents house with no job prospects and sponging off their wealth and in danger of losing rights to their only granddaughter. If anything I'm shocked at how LITTLE changed. Something in me thought he might wake up after I filed for divorce -- I've never said that before! -- but it didn't. He's still selfish, manipulative, avoidant, and shallow.
Be sad, but be sad for yourself. Don't hold back because this is imperfect timing on HIS timeline. Do what you need to do, then be very kind to yourself.
I filed for divorce while my AH was still in rehab -- it was rehab #4, granted -- and I called him and his parents to say I was sorry but I wasn't going to keep going in this direction. Since then they have all but cut me and my son out and go on like nothing's wrong, like my AH isn't 35 and living in his parents house with no job prospects and sponging off their wealth and in danger of losing rights to their only granddaughter. If anything I'm shocked at how LITTLE changed. Something in me thought he might wake up after I filed for divorce -- I've never said that before! -- but it didn't. He's still selfish, manipulative, avoidant, and shallow.
Be sad, but be sad for yourself. Don't hold back because this is imperfect timing on HIS timeline. Do what you need to do, then be very kind to yourself.
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