Is this how it's going to be?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
Is this how it's going to be?
Hi ya'll! I finally got to talk to my duck last night. He called as soon as his poker game was over. He said he hadn't been drinking but he did smoke some pot.(as if that's any better!)
Anyway, he has his license taken away for a DUI last yr and won't get them back until next yr. So he asked me what would happen if he got caught driving and had to spend a yr in jail? (he has to drive while working because he has 2 propertiers he manages, and has to drive during the day back and forth to them)And I nonchalantly, I guess before thinking, blurted out "Well, maybe you'd get sober that yr in jail!" Was I so wrong for saying that? (Actually deep down I meant it)He got very upset-quickly. I said I was sorry and was just kidding and he hung up on me! I called him right back and he wouldn't answer. THAT pissed me off! Then about 10 min's later he called back to tell me "I'm not mad at you, everything's fine, I'm going to bed. There's nothing to talk about." THAT pissed me off too! It didn't matter that he hurt MY feelings, it was all about him. He doesn't want to talk about things, only wait awhile, then forget about them.I realize that it's the disease and he couldn't be that selfish of a person if he was totally sober, but dang! Is this how it will be? All about HIM, as long as he's drinking?! Anyway, thanks for listening. Oh, and this morning he sent me an email, like nothing ever happened. He said the world was a better place with me in it and he loves me, blah, blah.....beautiful new day, etc.
Whatever.
Anyway, he has his license taken away for a DUI last yr and won't get them back until next yr. So he asked me what would happen if he got caught driving and had to spend a yr in jail? (he has to drive while working because he has 2 propertiers he manages, and has to drive during the day back and forth to them)And I nonchalantly, I guess before thinking, blurted out "Well, maybe you'd get sober that yr in jail!" Was I so wrong for saying that? (Actually deep down I meant it)He got very upset-quickly. I said I was sorry and was just kidding and he hung up on me! I called him right back and he wouldn't answer. THAT pissed me off! Then about 10 min's later he called back to tell me "I'm not mad at you, everything's fine, I'm going to bed. There's nothing to talk about." THAT pissed me off too! It didn't matter that he hurt MY feelings, it was all about him. He doesn't want to talk about things, only wait awhile, then forget about them.I realize that it's the disease and he couldn't be that selfish of a person if he was totally sober, but dang! Is this how it will be? All about HIM, as long as he's drinking?! Anyway, thanks for listening. Oh, and this morning he sent me an email, like nothing ever happened. He said the world was a better place with me in it and he loves me, blah, blah.....beautiful new day, etc.
Whatever.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dayton, OH,USA
Posts: 40
Hi Princess,
That cracked me up when you called your boyfriend, Duck. Where are you from? I was just wondering how much of a drinking problem your boyfriend has? And if he is smoking pot, he is not sober. Alcohol is a drug, and pot is a drug. I have a problem with my husband, I am an alcoholic and have struggled to stay sober these past two weeks, and he smokes pot everyday, (not around me, in the garage)Anyway, I can always tell when he is high, and that was my excuse for drinking in the past. My thimg was a six pack costs 5 bucks, how much is your bag of weed? Anyway, if I was trying to get sober, there is no way I would go to a poker game with booze and pot. Your boyfriend might not of drank this time, but smoking pot gets you high, which could lead to "what the hell, I'll just have one beer" I don't think your statement about getting sober in jail was wrong either, it was a joke, but maybe he got pissed because he knew it was true, I often have thought if I could be locked up for a year, (in a rehab!) I could get sober. Anyway, when the truth hits too close to home, it makes us uncomfortable, maybe we have to really take a good,hard look at ourselves, and since your statement caused this, he got pissed at you. Life with an addict.... Keep us posted, take care, Teri
That cracked me up when you called your boyfriend, Duck. Where are you from? I was just wondering how much of a drinking problem your boyfriend has? And if he is smoking pot, he is not sober. Alcohol is a drug, and pot is a drug. I have a problem with my husband, I am an alcoholic and have struggled to stay sober these past two weeks, and he smokes pot everyday, (not around me, in the garage)Anyway, I can always tell when he is high, and that was my excuse for drinking in the past. My thimg was a six pack costs 5 bucks, how much is your bag of weed? Anyway, if I was trying to get sober, there is no way I would go to a poker game with booze and pot. Your boyfriend might not of drank this time, but smoking pot gets you high, which could lead to "what the hell, I'll just have one beer" I don't think your statement about getting sober in jail was wrong either, it was a joke, but maybe he got pissed because he knew it was true, I often have thought if I could be locked up for a year, (in a rehab!) I could get sober. Anyway, when the truth hits too close to home, it makes us uncomfortable, maybe we have to really take a good,hard look at ourselves, and since your statement caused this, he got pissed at you. Life with an addict.... Keep us posted, take care, Teri
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hiya Princess!
Thanks for coming to the chat last nite!
A lot of people who use mind altering substances to excess do so because they have problems OTHER than the substance abuse. Seeing them "quit" one substance only to cling to another might be a sign that is the case here. When the addict doesn't deal with the underlying issues, the danger of the yo-yo of relapses is great. To really deal with his problems... he has to be sober. That means free of any mind altering chemical.
If your boyfriend is giving up alcohol and using pot, he has targeted alcohol as the only (or the big) problem. This shows a certain lack of awareness of the total picture. While this persists, my hunch is ... yes, this is what it's going to be like.
Remember also, Princess... the knight in shining armor does not drag the princess into the muck with him to battle the trolls. He leaves her safely in the castle while he goes to fight HIS OWN battle. When Princesses venture out to try to help with the troll fighting, they tend to get kidnapped by dragons, thereby complicating the whole process.
You can't love him well. He has to love himself well.
Hugs,
Smoke
Thanks for coming to the chat last nite!
A lot of people who use mind altering substances to excess do so because they have problems OTHER than the substance abuse. Seeing them "quit" one substance only to cling to another might be a sign that is the case here. When the addict doesn't deal with the underlying issues, the danger of the yo-yo of relapses is great. To really deal with his problems... he has to be sober. That means free of any mind altering chemical.
If your boyfriend is giving up alcohol and using pot, he has targeted alcohol as the only (or the big) problem. This shows a certain lack of awareness of the total picture. While this persists, my hunch is ... yes, this is what it's going to be like.
Remember also, Princess... the knight in shining armor does not drag the princess into the muck with him to battle the trolls. He leaves her safely in the castle while he goes to fight HIS OWN battle. When Princesses venture out to try to help with the troll fighting, they tend to get kidnapped by dragons, thereby complicating the whole process.
You can't love him well. He has to love himself well.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
Thanks Terry. I'm from Tennessee. And my boyfriend told me he drinks (drank) a bottle of Blackberry Brandy everyday and some beers or wine coolers in between. But in the past few months he's quit the brandy. And he said he hasn't drank anything since last Monday. I hope he's honest about it. I can tell a difference in his attitude though, so maybe he is. I thought long and hard about my jail comment and I hate to say it but if he spent a yr in jail maybe it would be the best thing for him. Is that terrible to say? At least he would be sobering up (on his own)maybe would learn his lesson. See, now I feel bad for even typing that.
Good luck staying sober! You can do it! You should be very proud of yourself! Take care!
Good luck staying sober! You can do it! You should be very proud of yourself! Take care!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: TN
Posts: 10
Hi smoke,
I just sent my A a long, long e-mail this morning about exactly what you mentioned. He was molested by 3 people when he was a child and his dad was very unstable in his careers and bad with finances. My A would come home from school and his dad would be in the car saying "Let's go" and they would drive off and relocate. He went to like 6 high schools in 3 yrs. He graduated at 16 or 17 he's very ***** , which is so ironic)and joined the army. Anyway, I told him he has to forgive and try to overcome and let go of what happened as a child. And then work on his addictions. I sent him a book about that by ? Meyer. The TV Evangelist. She is very good. It's about her being abused as I child and learning from it. Anyway, I told him I wasn't going to beat a dead horse. If he wants to to get help and stop, he will on his own. I'm not going to ask him to do that anymore. It's up to him. And he's so intelligent and he knows all this. He said it's just so hard to quit because it's like there's this little parasite inside him that he has to feed.At it's always gnawing at him because it's hungry. I don't know, maybe he'll starve it and let it die one day.
Take care.
I just sent my A a long, long e-mail this morning about exactly what you mentioned. He was molested by 3 people when he was a child and his dad was very unstable in his careers and bad with finances. My A would come home from school and his dad would be in the car saying "Let's go" and they would drive off and relocate. He went to like 6 high schools in 3 yrs. He graduated at 16 or 17 he's very ***** , which is so ironic)and joined the army. Anyway, I told him he has to forgive and try to overcome and let go of what happened as a child. And then work on his addictions. I sent him a book about that by ? Meyer. The TV Evangelist. She is very good. It's about her being abused as I child and learning from it. Anyway, I told him I wasn't going to beat a dead horse. If he wants to to get help and stop, he will on his own. I'm not going to ask him to do that anymore. It's up to him. And he's so intelligent and he knows all this. He said it's just so hard to quit because it's like there's this little parasite inside him that he has to feed.At it's always gnawing at him because it's hungry. I don't know, maybe he'll starve it and let it die one day.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 6
Princess, even though they do stuff that seems dumb when they are using, I think a lot of A's are very intelligent. Mine is, anyway, and I've met lots of others who are. If you poke around the other forums here, you'll see a bunch of clever recovering A's having interesting conversations.
The disease isn't related to intelligence. I struggled with that for quite a while when I first got into recovery...actually, I guess I still get hung up on that sometimes. Like, how can someone who is as intelligent as he is live in a car and then trade that car for crack? What was he thinking?
For me, I find that if I respect his intelligence I am less likely to try to talk him out of being an addict (that doesn't work) or slide into denial about the whole situation (that doesn't work either). Of course, that doesn't mean that it's wrong to laugh at some of the stuff they say and do. There is definitely a place for that too.
Now, I need to go get a thesaurus and find some other words for s-m-a-r-t.
Sasha
The disease isn't related to intelligence. I struggled with that for quite a while when I first got into recovery...actually, I guess I still get hung up on that sometimes. Like, how can someone who is as intelligent as he is live in a car and then trade that car for crack? What was he thinking?
For me, I find that if I respect his intelligence I am less likely to try to talk him out of being an addict (that doesn't work) or slide into denial about the whole situation (that doesn't work either). Of course, that doesn't mean that it's wrong to laugh at some of the stuff they say and do. There is definitely a place for that too.
Now, I need to go get a thesaurus and find some other words for s-m-a-r-t.
Sasha
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