Veritas1

Feeling bad about how we tell someone, or multiple people, our whole life story and then they just abandon us. I mean, I get that they are not to save us, and I feel like the relationship was insincere. I just cannot seem to get over what I feel is abandonment by a sponsor from AA aka human being.

It just makes me feel so reluctant to trust anyone, and I am feeling like going back to AA and finding a sponsor that knows nothing about me to help me.

I guess there are no guarantees as to the outcome, and I wanted to share my fear.

Thanks for letting me share.

It perplexes me that so many women threw me away.

It hurts me deeply. Did they ever really care? I did. I still do, and I bet they laugh at me.

I understand that the abandonment is a result of "choices"? I made, and some say she just chose to not be like us, so we dropped her...and maybe it's not choice...maybe I'm powerless...maybe all these women got well, and I'm still struggling..and they all think I just want to drink.

I guess I am just feeling alone, and I know my life is a result of choices I made, but it still hurts.

Dee74

I know you've always found a lot of support understanding and encouragement here tho Veritas.

Try and focus on that rather than the negative experiences perhaps?

D

Veritas1

That's true Dee. Thank God for SR. I'm sure I never would have achieved the sobertime I have had without this website and members, AA and members, and God.

I'll be alright.

I was mainly speaking of sponsors outside of SR. I should have clarified that; although I have had relationships here to where I felt like I opened up, and they dropped me.

I get it...conform...get sober...recover...I just hope someday..I will be as free as the ones that have done so. I get it...if you want what we have, you have to do what we did...and I would take those steps...I did...and why did I not recover...must be my fault...I abandoned the process...?

It's all my fault.

Thank You Dee for taking the time to respond as you have loved me for years now.

Dee74

I'm not sure blaming yourself is useful - admit your mistakes sure - but whats done is done - blame is wasted energy....


what we have to do is make sure that we don't repeat those mistakes again

D

Boleo

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence."
(page 133)

So how exactly do we manufacture our own misery? Simple, by not setting safe boundary's and manufacturing unrealistic expectations.

"All expectations are seeds for resentment".
(Zhuang Zhou)

grammydeb

I am not sure what happened here?
you took your 5th step and your sponsor rejected you??

tomsteve

what was your part in it? did you continue working the steps or did you keep goin back out drinkin? did you abandon the process?

if so, read the chapter 'working with others."
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.


get honest veritas and tell the whole story. what really has happened. one thing im guessing is ( and it is rather evident in your threads and posts) you kept getting drunk.
yer gonna have to make a decision you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths ot get it. IF you dicide ya do, yer gonna have to put in ALL of the footwork.
it is not a sponsors job or responsibility to be a baby sitter for a persons sprees.

grammydeb

oh if still drinking then ok
I get that
when I sponsor someone and they choose to drink I let go right then
I will go another step further
if I am working with some one and they do not want to follow directions and do the work them self to get sober
I drop them
I can not talk someone sober and I am not going to hand hold someone who wants to play bull crap games
I tell them this up front
I do not have to right to try and protect someone from their own decisions I learned this in Al-anon
no one could help me until I got so sick of my self I became a bit willing
I took myself back out after 13 years that was me not AA
I did not listen and I paid the price
today I don't take chances with my recovery it is far too important!
I found out on that 2 year relapse that this disease if far stronger than I am
I met the God of grace on July 14, 1998 upstairs in my bedroom not from a sponsor or at a meeting
he picked up this gutter drunk and took away the desire to drink that night
I have not had one desire since BUT I am NOT cured!
I have to work this program
and today I have the willingness to do so

Threshold

((((hugs))))

Veritas, I've been going through similar things in my life lately, and I feel like "wow, just wow...didn't see THAT coming" and THAT has lately been brush offs, slammed doors, being ignored. And it hurts.

I've been praying like mad, doing guided meditations, and using the tools of the steps...reminding myself that I need my sobriety no matter what, and hurting myself further as a reaction to the hurt I already feel is just ME rejecting ME, when I need ME most...no good reason for me to treat me the same way they are.

I will not abandon myself.

What I am struggling with, like you, is trust. I mean...we are told not to isolate, but when we have a string of experiences where we put ourselves out there and get shrugged off or abandoned, or stomped on...we have to reexamine our boundaries...is the wise response to not put ourselves out there? Or is that "isolating"?

When I was fifteen I was walking along talking with my best friend, and talking about this very issue and she said to me "No one will ever appreciate you as much as you will."

So glad you brought this up here, I mean, I am sorry you are hurting, but now I know I am not alone. and you do too.

Threshold

PS, don't forget the 4th step prayer...they are sick people, how can I help them.

I even have to say this prayer about MYSELF sometimes...

Dave42001

Thinking of you today, friend!! Hope you figure this out!! Wish I could offer more help... I'll say a prayer for you this morning!! Keep your chin up!!

David

muvinon

I think your feelings are your feelings, but I guarantee you that your perspective will change about the incident.

You just keep doing the next right step. Get a sponsor. Do the deal. Don't worry about what "they" did or did not do. You will one day find a very simple explanation that makes you go, "oh good gravy, that was so obvious that I didn't think of it."

Trust the process.

Kathleen41

Your activity on our SR community has been very helpful to me, and I consider you a friend. I am so sorry for what you are going through, you are obviously in a lot of pain. I don't know the details of your situation, as we often don't on SR, sometimes I make wrong assumptions about what the poster's experience is. Forgive me if I do that, I'm going to try share some of what I have been doing and how its been helping.

I realized I have many other issues not being helped by the AA principles, in fact sometimes I was getting confused. Like "Get out of yourself and Go out and help somebody else," well I've done that to my own detriment in the past!! Or the trying not to control things or living by God's will confsuing me to the point I can't make a decision about an important thing, like where my son should live!! It occurred to me that many other don't seem to struggle with decision making and relationships to the degree that I do. I could go on and on.

I have been reading the "24 hours a day" on Hazelton wedsite, I started reading the one for Codependancy and found myself identifying with it very much. I believe I suffer from Codependancy and am now reading the book on that, and I attended my first CoDA meeting last week. The Karpmann Drama Triangle applies to basically all my close relationships. I am now trying to learn how to detach and repair these issues. Here is todays daily reading:

Letting Go of Fear of Abandonment

"Where are you, God? Where did you go?"

So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too.

There are wondrous days when we feel God's protection and presence, leading and guiding each step and event. There are gray, dry days of spiritual barrenness when we wonder if anything in our life is guided or planned. Wondering if God knows or cares.

Seek quiet times on the gray days. Force discipline and obedience until the answer comes, because it will.

"I have not gone away child. I am here, always. Rest in me, in confidence. All in your life is being guided and planned, each detail. I know, and I care. Things are being worked out as quickly as possible for your highest good. Trust and be grateful. I am right here. Soon you will see, and know."

Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, directing, and planning in love each detail of my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

I sinserely hope this is helpful to you. I value your friendship. Do something kind for yourself today!!

heathersweeds

Please remember these are also alcoholic people, in recovery yes, but also working on their own defects. Maybe it is in your HP's plan to not have these people guide you. My sponcor says "God doesn't make mistakes" I am sure, he has a special person just for you. It's not always who we want or in our time. But His time is always perfect!! His plan is always perfect! Keep moving forward with Him guiding you, and He says to do it with joy!! You are ok Verestas, this has nothing to do with you, this is people being people!

Db1105

That's why in AA we depend on a Higher Power, and not people.

Veritas1

Thank you everyone. I was hit with reminders of people that I loved that were no longer in my life. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share about it.

grammydeb

over the years in AA I have had a lot of ill feelings happen
that is just life
folks in AA like everywhere else have clay feet
there are also folks in AA that are not here for recovery
that too is just a fact
I have had folks say things I did not like and have had folks be outright rude
but I am not going to leave AA or get drunk or give another person so much power that I become a heap on the floor
I do not like every one in AA
and do not try and make myself like them
but would I help them if they needed help with their recovery? yes if they were serious
some people do not like me because of the wasy I share
I have been told I am a hard ass
guess what??
I don't care
I earned my seat like everyone else
I can get a bee up my butt real quick but AA has taught me I do not have to live that way
AA is like a big old fish bowl we get to grow up with everyone watching
I for one am going to be me
like it or not
does that mean I think I am always right?? heck yes!! LOL
then I get knocked up the side of my head by my Higher Power or my sponsor lol
I have to remember
we are all here because we are not all there!!

paulokes

With due respect, I'm not so sure about this...if it was about conforming there would be a lot more dead alkies.

Abandonment is a big issue...most of it goes on between the ears, not so much in reality. Some people suffer with it more than others.

P

paul99

I am Paul on this one. It was the thing that jumped out at me too. "Conform" tends to have a negative quality to it, or at least a neutral one. It's not that we become Stepford Wives in AA or anything like that. We know that. Our paths are our own and our journeys unique. Of course we use the instructions in the Big Book and the direction of our sponsor and the collective wisdom of those who have traversed ahead of us to guide and mentor us. But our connection to our HP is unique and with that, we conform to nothing other than being who we were created to be in the beauty of His eye.

Stepping out of ourselves and moving past fear, past / current / future, requires courage and that comes from faith. At least for me it does, and I have to lean on the Creator for that...and then I can move past things I couldn't have done on my own. Like getting past old hurts. Abandonment, fancied or real, is also something that we move past. Fear of abandonment / rejection probably rates up high with most alcoholics in their inventory. Haven't heard a 5th or someone talk about their fears without that one in the mix. It's quite common.

Pray for the right sponsor to cross your path, but more importantly, be open to having the right sponsor cross your path.

deeker

For me personally and just me Veritas. My sponsor or anyone else does not owe me anything. She never had to agree to be my sponsor, she never had to listen to me in the early days, she never had to take my calls and my whining.

Having high expectations spells trouble for me.

All I can do is my part. Other people are going through their own stuff and even though I may be one of their sponsees I am sure I am a very small part of their lives.

They have families, kids, jobs, homes to take care of and by them helping me they are doing me a favor. If I am not doing my part in that sponsor, sponsee relationship then they have every right to leave.

I believe it did not help my sponsors in the past when I would call them for guidance again and again but not apply it to my life or do the footwork and continue to pick up a drink every other week.

How long should I expect someone to put up with that. I am sure my old sponsor was racking her brain to try to get the message through my head and I am sure she was really frustrated when I wouldn't do what she suggested.

After awhile a person has to draw the line and set boundaries if it is not healthy for their own recovery. Sounds like maybe that is what she did. I am sure she wants the very best for you. I am sure she will be there for you when you are completely ready to do the work, and will be happy for you.