Grungehead

LOL I just erased a page long rant about my sponsor working the steps too slow and why he should change his style of sponsoring for me because I want him to move faster. I just realized that I chose my sponsor and he laid all of this out at the beginning and I agreed to it. The solution is to work the steps at his pace or find a new sponsor, simple as that. I'm just not comfortable in my own skin today. I'm going to a meeting at noon (and maybe another one at 6PM), and I meet with my sponsor tomorrow. After thinking about it I think it's more about the length of time I have with him and not the time we are spending on each step. I'm going to ask him if we can either meet twice a week or extend the amount of time we spend together when we do meet and see what he says (currently once a week for one hour).

I saved this part from my rant and sums up how I'm feeling:

In the past I would have liked a sponsor that worked the steps slowly because it would give me a chance to avoid doing them, but this time seems different. In the past I felt like there was no rush to work the steps. This time I don't feel like I have the luxury of time. I've had long term sobriety twice, both times I didn't work the steps, and both times I eventually drank again. Each time my bottom got worse. For the first time I am actually afraid that if I go back out again I will die.

I guess I need to share what I just said above with my sponsor tomorrow.

Music

At least you seem to be thnking things through instead of going off half cocked. No two sponsors do things the same way with the same pigeons and no two pigeons are the same. In short, one size doesn't fit all. You said you chose your sponsor so try trusting him and his judgment. My first sponsor always told me if I was having a problem with one step, to back up to the one before it and sit there for a while. Nervous, irritable and discontent discribes that feeling we get until we can drink again. Take things easy for right now. Better to study each step so you can realize the full impact of what you're doing. Remember, the goal is quality sobriety so that you never have to drink again.

Fernaceman

I think it really helps talking out, or at least typing out, what you are thinking and feeling. It really helps me see a different perspective and a lot of the time shows me just how irrational my thoughts and feelings about a situation really are. A lot of the time it dwindles down to I'm not getting what I want, when I want it.

Thanks for the post!

Grungehead

I went to a beginners meeting at noon. I'm less than 3 months sober...sometimes I forget this (it does seem longer) . I heard what I needed to hear for me and was able to share a bit with someone with 3 days. Amazingly they said they were struggling with being restless, irritable and discontent...their exact words.

I also called H.A.L.T on myself and found out I was really hungry. I wasn't feeling well yesterday evening and didn't eat much for dinner. I just had a big lunch. Geez, maybe you are feeling restless, irritable and discontent because you have barely eaten a thing in 16 hours...doh!

Anyway I'm feeling better. I'm still going to talk to my sponsor tomorrow and ask if we can start 1/2 hour earlier than we do now. That way we can chat about how things are going and still have a full hour to spend on our step study.

UncleMeat69

I was just like you and found a sponsor that took me through in 5 weeks. My struggle was ended and urges removed for over 28 years now.

I do not want to undermine your sponsor. Why don't you ask him why he is going at the pace he is and then tell him about your fears.

I think of the words "sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly." As Music said, one size doesn't fit all.
I found the size that fit me because I asked HP to give me what I needed since I was hiding behind the slow route to avoid the work.

grammydeb

running through the steps like a race hours it not going to make you one day more sober than you already are
I drank after 13 years and I had worked all the steps
I studied the big book
I sponsored folks and I had a sponsor
none of that kept me sober
why?
because I quit doing them
what we have is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition
it does not matter if I have 40 years or 40 days
I should have 31 years
I don't I have 15 years
but I will lose them if I start running the show
I don't want microwave recovery
maybe you could let your sponsor lead the way
after all you choice them for a reason
I got drunk when I sponsored myself
my ego will tell me all sorts of things
but if you have taken step one 100%
and you only have a short time back sober I would hope you listen to the one who you have right now
I looked at what I missed that caused me to get drunk and if I have not done that completely I will repeat it
my sober time means squat as far as me never taking another drink I got impressed with myself
HA!!
today I remember I have one day
I have know folks with 25 and 30 years that went back out
hang in and
easy does it
deb

UncleMeat69

Keeping in fit spiritual condition is working 10, 11 and 12 on a regular basis.
Especially the 5 parts of the 10th. Step. My biggest enemy is "smug complacency."
My best weapon against it is the Maintenance Steps, that's why they are called that.
I know if I stop working them the day will come when the "strange mental blank spot"
will prevent me from seeing the truth in the matter of drink. The school of hard knocks
taught me that lesson the hard way !!!
It also taught me to work each step to the best of my ability and turn the rest over
to HP, I let him be my "pacemaker" and he knew I needed to do the Steps on STAT.

The feelings you are experiencing, Grungehead, are there for a reason. We each have motivators and I believe they are instilled when HP is trying to move us to a point
where we will grow enough to experience a psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. The steps were designed for that purpose. However you work them, give
it your best shot - you are on a life and death mission.

Finally, don't forget the Maintenance Steps for the BB tells us that the recovery process
will go on for the rest of our life.

Boleo

If you feel like you need to do more work, try getting one or more service commitments at local meetings. You should not need your sponsor's approval to do that.

RumHound

Thanks for the testimony. It's certainly true: an AA can do everything right, then, amazingly, start to do everything wrong, letting the disease take you back.

There are no guarantees. No diplomas.

I think everyone has a reasonable path and time frame for working the steps. At 90 days I was still at Step 1. At 90 days I still could not really comprehend the possibility of long term sobriety. This was actually good for me. It forced me to adopt the 24 hour plan of staying sober. My gift was that I could understand and accept the plan as it was told to me by others who had followed it.

muvinon

Personally, I felt just like you. I was deathly afraid of drinking. My sponsor moved at my pace, not hers.

Thank God.

Kathleen41

I tend to agree with Grammy Deb on this one. I don't see the great urgency and working the steps quickly. I needed to take more time to think things through, shoot I need my brain to unpickle some so I can even understand the concepts!!

Early sobriety brings out a lot of emotions that we are not used to experiencing, because we have been medicating them. Could some of your urgency in working the steps be an attempt to get rid of the discomfort you're feeling? Obviously, right?! What I mean is these emotions are going to take some time to work through. Rushing to get through all the steps, is not necessarily the best solution.

I don't know much about you. But me, I'm a "let's get it done" kind of person. Sloth is not one of my defects. This program can't be rushed through like a check list of things that needs to be done. It takes time to have spiritual growth. It takes time to set your resentments on paper. It takes time to understand what your character defects are and be ready to have them removed. It takes time to make amends. This isn't a race.

It's a lifelong journey. And certainly you should get started with the work straight away. But there's no hurry, take it one day at a time.

GracieLou

"There are only two things that an alcoholic doesn't like--the way things are now and change."

I will just quote your quote as it pretty much sums it up!

I too get with my sponsor once a week but we have no set time limit. If it goes an hour then fine if it goes two then that is okay too.

Maybe you can try that approach. We learn when we learn so if on some things if I need more time to learn then so be it.

I sort of like that it is taking time. I find between meetings or maybe between two I get more clarity. More and more things come to mind that make sense. More past experiences are remembered and brought to the surface that I can discuss with her.

I am the kind of person that likes to figure things out for myself. I will waste two hours trying to figure out a problem rather than ask for help. For some reason it seems to stick with me if I do that. Now I do the same but if I get stuck I call my sponsor but I also allow myself some time to mull it over first. I find that at times, not all the time, but some times I figure it our for myself and I call her to see if I am on the right track. Many times I am and if I did not have that time in between then I would not be able to do that.

No matter where I am on my journey she tells me I am exactly were I am supposed to be.

Grungehead

I met with my sponsor today and asked him if we could meet for a half hour longer and he was all for that. We talked about why I asked for more time and he said I was doing great and that if I was willing to put in the effort he was more than glad to move at my pace. So I got what I asked for, we start reviewing my 4th step inventory next week...I've got some work to do this week. Geez what was I thinking?

Grungehead

Yeah it seems like a no win situation LOL. But I know that today I want change more than I want the way things are now.

GracieLou

Glad to hear you asked and your sponsor agreed. Good deal!

zbear23

As an alcoholic, a long time sober, I can look back on my track record and have no doubt of my insanity. My thinking has got better over time, but I can still revert to the old thinking in a heartbeat. I'm careful to listen to learn, never assuming I already know. A sane person would never think or act as I did, but I didn't know any other way. So I need to be directed to stay on the right path or I'd probably wander off.

In the beginning, AAs often did all twelve steps in a matter of a few weeks. Nothing wrong with that. Other's spend a month on each step, and who's to say that's not ok as well. I think that we simply need to do them, being fearless and thorough from the very start.

I think the answer is always being willing to do the work, and the work is what I was told to do....not what I thought I should do...not what I FELT like doing. Humility informs me that I need to be willing to take direction without arguing my point of view. It doesn't even matter if my sponsor is mistaken. What matters is my willingness to take his direction...period. Otherwise, I'm back in that self-will that leads to insanity....and very bad decision making. As an alcoholic I tend to either procrastinate or move way too fast (impulsivity). My sponsor was able to help me regulate these dangerous inclinations as he took me through the steps and introduced me to lots of people in AA. Each time I've done the steps, I take longer and longer to complete them because I'm able to be more honest over time.

I never did like my sponsor.:-) But he gave me what I needed and, thank God I was able to put principles ahead of personalities and not fight or second guess him.

"Trust God, clean house and help others." - Dr. Bob Smith

Grungehead

I desperately need to clean house.

I believe my past is affecting my current feelings. I have had two stretches of "sobriety" lasting approximately 7 years each. Both times I attended AA meetings for several years without working the steps. Each time I reached step 4 I was unwilling to get completely honest with myself and my sponsor. I eventually stopped going to meetings, and after white knuckling it for a few years I ended up drinking again (1st time for a year, 2nd time for 8 years).

I have also struggled with procrastination for most of my adult life with severe consequences. I feel that I have a healthy fear of repeating my past mistakes if I don't approach the steps differently this time. I am 23 years older than the first time I got sober and I am much more realistic about the chances of me surviving another relapse regardless of whether or not my sponsor is right or wrong about the speed in which I work the steps. I don't believe that a sponsor should dictate how fast the sponsee works the steps as long as the sponsee is working them to the best of their ability. After talking with my sponsor he agrees. If he gave me a legitimate reason why we should take longer I would have accepted that. It's not like we are racing through them as we have spent close to 2 months on the first 3 steps. I need to get this "stuff" out of me that has been eating at my insides for all of these years...I need some relief. I've done the "90 in 90" and "go to meetings and don't drink" before and the fellowship only kept me sober for so long. I need to finally work the program of AA so I can live in my own skin again and become reasonably happy with my life.

grammydeb

for me I knew when I was ready to take step 4 that is because I had finally taken step 3
it clearly says in the big book how important cleaning house is
it warns us that we are in danger of drinking again if we do not do that
what exactly is the reason for your sponsor telling you to wait on step 4?
some dry days are not something magical
and that old 90 and 90 does not mean a thing
it has always sounded like something dramatic is supposed to happen to us
after we have done this
it is along the lines of not having a relationship for the first year
am I supposed to suddenly be well enough on day 366??
all of that comes from treatment not the big book
and if there is something that you just have to talk about then get someone and tell them
I have no idea what it is that your sponsor sees that is suggesting you slow down on the steps
on one here are fortune tellers or mind readers
and you are free to get another sponsor if you think you need to
who knows what is really going on?
I know for me if someone told me I needed to wait, then that just made me want to go faster I think it is called self will and I might have a touch of it
but you are not bound to this person
you have choices
have you told your sponsor you think you are ready to do step 4?

zbear23

A slogan that never fails to make me cringe is "meeting makers make it." Don't get me wrong, I love meetings and the love and support that's available there. But I don't believe that meetings alone will keep me sober. I'm not going to get sobriety by osmossis, just sitting in meetings.

We often hear "Everything in AA is only suggested." This is not entirely true. Beside the word "must" being used frequently in the Big Book (about 50+ times as I recall), if I'm committed to recovery through AA, I must do the steps - not optional. No one can tell me how long to take, any more than they can insist that I believe in a god of THEIR understanding. But do them, I must, and I'm well advised to take direction from those who've already been where I want to go. "Don't drink and go to meetings" is IMO a recipe for relapse. The program is the steps. If I don't do the steps, I'm not doing the AA program. I'm doing the zbear program: there's that self will again. LOL

And if I expect help and guidance from my sponsor, I need to let go of my old ideas and just follow along. We don't have guides just so we can wander off on our own. Self will: EGO! The great deceiver. Ego ALWAYS lies to me, and it's favorite lie is "I know."

AA is not the only way. But if I claim membership in AA, but refuse to do the steps, I'm just deluding myself (nothin' new about that, either) <G>

Bless all who come here
zbear

grammydeb

I agree with you
I can sit in meetings all day and still drink
and I was told the word must is in the big book 74 times
my sponsor pointed out so many warnings in there as well
I used the suggestive only to do nothing
and I stayed misrable
if I want to stay sober and not just dry I must do these things
deb