"Trust God, clean house and help others."
I desperately need to clean house.
I believe my past is affecting my current feelings. I have had two stretches of "sobriety" lasting approximately 7 years each. Both times I attended AA meetings for several years without working the steps. Each time I reached step 4 I was unwilling to get completely honest with myself and my sponsor. I eventually stopped going to meetings, and after white knuckling it for a few years I ended up drinking again (1st time for a year, 2nd time for 8 years).
I have also struggled with procrastination for most of my adult life with severe consequences. I feel that I have a healthy fear of repeating my past mistakes if I don't approach the steps differently this time. I am 23 years older than the first time I got sober and I am much more realistic about the chances of me surviving another relapse regardless of whether or not my sponsor is right or wrong about the speed in which I work the steps. I don't believe that a sponsor should dictate how fast the sponsee works the steps as long as the sponsee is working them to the best of their ability. After talking with my sponsor he agrees. If he gave me a legitimate reason why we should take longer I would have accepted that. It's not like we are racing through them as we have spent close to 2 months on the first 3 steps. I need to get this "stuff" out of me that has been eating at my insides for all of these years...I need some relief. I've done the "90 in 90" and "go to meetings and don't drink" before and the fellowship only kept me sober for so long. I need to finally work the program of AA so I can live in my own skin again and become reasonably happy with my life.