dbh

I am in an awful mood today. Tomorrow will be two months since my sister died by suicide. I'm probably still in the process of grieving, but right now all I feel is anger.

Do you ever get tired of being the "strong one"? I have been working for years on my own recovery. I try to be understanding and compassionate with the (non-recovering) members of my extended family. I try to take the high road.

Five years ago when my alcoholic father got sick I had to take care of everything because my brother and sister couldn't handle it. I also handled all the arrangements when he passed three years ago.

When my sister passed, my mother couldn't handle it. She did not come up for the service and burial. Again, it was me alone.

Now I am starting to realize that with my sister gone, it is basically going to be me taking care of holidays, aging parents, etc. and I'm really really mad.

Why does everyone else get to be irresponsible and selfish?

I feel like running away.

Not sure what I need - sleep, exercise, a meeting, church, writing a gratitude list, ...

Hope my mood lifts by tomorrow. Right now it's hard being the strong one.

Thank you for letting me share.

BoxinRotz

I am so tired myself and I could have written your post. I just told my husband that since my sister's suicide over a year ago, I have been through the ringer with my mom, my sister's death, his alcoholism, a near drowning with him,, him ruining our Holidays, him getting black out drunk to where I had to call the cops and I was made to leave, and now, he has wrecked his motorcycle and sits in a trauma center.

I can't breathe anymore! I'm not strong and people look at me like I can do it. I don't know if I can. So there... I know exactly how you feel.

dbh

Dear BoxinRotz,

Sorry you are feeling this way too. Also sorry about your sister's death and husband's accident.

There is a part of me that still believes I can have a joyful life even if others around me continue to make bad choices. There is a part of me that still believes that I have choices and can determine how much others affect me.

Right now I'm not seeing the light though.

Wishing us both strength and happier days.

db

LifeRecovery

My goal was not to be angry, but I found it to be really healing.

It got me moving. It got me out of myself. It got me FINALLY not taking on the world and finding myself the only thing falling short in it.

Anger is a part of the grief cycle (which helped normalize it for me). I found I experienced the grief cycle when I was dealing with an actual death, but also when I was dealing with the loss of a relationship due to alcohol use. Finally as I have gotten healthier I grieved the loss of what I "thought" I was supposed to be in the world a lot of my nieve thought processes that stemmed from my childhood. I had a lot of anger at myself and those around me that I though self-care was for other people....and anger helped me to see how wrong that thought was.

Again not saying that is the final goal but I think anger is a pretty normal feeling right now to what you are both experiencing.

I suspect both of you probably have spent a long time trying to not feel the anger....and has that been long-term helpful?

AnonK

I've had those days where I've been tired of being the strong one.

It's okay to be upset, just don't let it get out of control. When I get to feeling like this, I take time and let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. If I'm sad, I mope for a while. If I'm angry, I let it out. Then I find something in my life that produces positive emotions, and indulge myself. Whether it's a comfort food or a hobby or watching a favorite TV show/movie, I allow myself that time and freedom. After all, I've worked so hard, I've had to deal with XYZ, etc. etc.. I deserve to be as happy as I make everyone else, if not happier.

Does that make sense? I feel like I'm rambling....

dandylion

Dear dbh, I gently say to you that perhaps your contract is with God and not the extended family.

lovingly,
dandylion

Bubovski

Can be very hard to feel or be alone particularly within the family circle.

Backing off still leaves the loneliness.

I sincerely hope you feel better soon and can find some sound empathy.

wicked

Rambling or not, I just wrote that down in my book of important stuff.

I DO deserve to be as happy as I make everyone else, if not happier.

dbh,

I have been told that many times.
You are so strong, how do you do it.
Well, to me I have to.
It is not always a healthy choice, but sometimes,
it gets me through.
I look calm, but I am really very tense and wound up.
It took years to develop, and it is my go to emotion.

Thank you for sharing dbh.

Beth

Rosiepetal

Feeling like running away is a symptom of you being under stress "the flight or fight adrenaline response".
Anger is a part of grief.
Are there any support groups that you can work through your grief with or can you talk to somebody regarding stress management?
Sorry you're feeling this way, you've had a lot to deal with.
Big hugs.

Argnotthisagain

Didn't seem like rambling to me, AnonK. I found it very helpful, actually!
Thank you. (I needed the reminder to have the feeling I'm having, but THEN purposefully find something else that produces positive feelings. I've been a little weak in that department.

I hope it's helpful to the others here too!