Threshold

Anxiety has been my life long bugaboo...I was an abused and neglected infant. I never KNEW security to begin with (I know I am not alone here). My entire life I've had this huge raw area where I knew that no one and nothing can ever make me feel "safe"...for more than the amount of time a movie can distract me, or a party can distract me.

Indeed...when one of those rare periods of distractions end...I crash. I mean it, I walk out of a movie that I thoroughly enjoyed and crash into an anxious fit because all of a sudden reality rushes back over me...and I feel double anxious to make up for the hour or two of freedom I had. A good weekend leaves me in a doubled over mass of hysteria on Sunday night. I know I can't be alone in this.

So here it is my "Mon"...because I had a three day weekend, and I feel sick, nearly paralyzed with anxiety, but also restless...like I need to do SOMETHING...to stave off the big bad world. I feel like I have to redouble my efforts to stay safe, since I slacked off vigilance on my two days of "vacation"...now I will have to pay. Ugh.

I KNOW anxiety doesn't buy me safety, but it's been my connection since infancy...that maybe if I feel bad enough on my own,the world won't go looking for me to cause me more grief. I had one of those.."I'll give you something to cry about" families..you know, if you were smiling they felt it was their duty to wipe that smile off your face.

Nearly five decades and it's the same old thing, the pattern repeating daily, weekly, even yearly as I can recognize seasonal cycles of terror.

I do believe that there is no real security. I know things can happen at any time. My only hope is to find my place in the Universe, my relationship to it on the most basic level and use that as my point of reference. All the variables, will vary. It's reality. And just like my mother promised, I will "pay" for my two days off...with a few days of sick stomach, anxiety, terror...waiting for the other shoe to drop and for life to wipe that smile off my face.

This is an inner demon...I am punishing myself, because part of me still believes that if I punish me first, then maybe life won't have to.

Excuse me now while I go puke.

dox

Perhaps my experience of growing up was not as extreme as yours. But my family, I feel, contributed to a deep feeling of low self-worth. After working through the 12 steps of AA and gaining a conscious contact with my higher power. I learned how to forgive, not only those who I felt had harmed me, but myself as well.

Forgiveness, for me, is closely tied with acceptance. I cannot change the past or other people. I find it more healthy to accept the things, and people, that I cannot change. Then forgiveness allows me to free myself further by getting rid of my blaming attitude and resentments.

Perhaps more importantly, I need to accept myself and forgive myself. Sure, I can change myself, but first I need to accept myself.

Forgiveness was not easy for me, at first. I had a hard heart. Only with the help of my higher power, was I able to let go of some of the hatred of the past, caused both by my actions and by others' actions and begin to forgive myself and others.

Trusting a higher power, acceptance and forgiveness may be the first steps to that elusive sense of security. Not for everyone, I know, but they work for me.

Splash29

Sunday night anxiety is the worst. I know exactly what you mean by that! Its almost as if I feel better it just being Monday already and the week can get on with it, rather than waiting all Sunday in lingering fear for the week to start.

I have been trying to get to the bottom of my anxiety problems for years. Its a by product of fear for sure. I think Dox says it right that you need to accept yourself. After some research I'm trying to accept myself and stop trying to be perfect. What is security anyways? A feeling? Feelings are not finite, though, so maybe its not security you need to be looking for.

alphaomega

What a beautiful, honest and for me, very familiar post. You have a great way with words. We anxious, hot messes, usually do.

Let me ask you this, without running the risk of sounding to woo woo, have you ever looked into the concepts of spiritual ascension, indigo or crystalline people ? There is a lot of info out there for people like us. Extreme sensitives who have to cope by any way of self deprecation whatsoever.

Threshold

alpha,

I read up on indigo people many years ago, after someone suggested my eldest son was one. I don't recall much except thinking that some of it seemed to apply to me too.

clearly some things are surfacing right now, and I am open to looking into any wisdom that will help give me some perspective. I will look into those things you mention and see if anything clicks for me.

I always remember, when periods like these arise, a story a therapist told me decades ago...there was a young monk having a rough time, he asked the master what to do and the master said "polish your rice bowl.", so the monk did and he felt better. he went to the master and said "master, I want to acheive enlightenment, what must I do?" and the master said "polish your rice bowl." so the monk did and acheived enlightenment...so he went gleefully back to the master and said "master, I have experienced enlightenment...now what must I do" and the master said "polish your rice bowl."

I know I get to thinking that when a new issue or feeling arises I must find a "new" answer....but the response is most likely the same..."do the next right thing"...the principles of the steps, acceptance, forgiveness, and taking out the trash etc.

This has continued to be an anxious week for me. very challenging. Very uncomfortable.

don't know how this relates, but I feel like it does, so I'll share it.

I live in the desert, and we are asked not to put out bird feeders but no one said anything about water...so I began to put out a bird bath and a pot of water on the ground for critters. I figured a few would come by once a day or so...because obviously they are used to doing without water readily available...but the chipmunks are here all the time, sometimes in groups. It's shocked me. What did they do before for water? did they go without? did they travel someplace a distance away each day, maybe more than once for a drink?

Am I doing more good or harm by providing water, or is it neutral? Why do a few species of birds come but not others? Somehow this has felt like a parallel of my current existential angst. Maybe the real question is..why do I feel like I have to apologize for my existence and footprints, and question every action and thought and analyze every possible outcome? Why am I so uncomfortable?
Can I accept that at the same time my existence is harmful to something, helpful to something and neutral to something?

off I go to polish my rice bowl.

DylanS

Don't have much to add - only that I resonate with much of your experience. I had to laugh at the last line there - it reminds me that humor lifts me when sometimes nothing else can.

I also live in AZ, and resonate with your thoughts there, as well.

Thanks for your posts.

raku

.....been reading your posts, Threshold and all.....
I feel there is only judgementalism involved when one tries to analyze good vs bad,
harmful vs. helpful. Nothing is inherently good or evil....it is our trained and tainted judgement that determines the call. Like the chipmunks who managed to find drink without your providing, your nature and internal wisdom has answers to your anxiety....
My successful experiences with processing anxiety have always been to first accept and really ALLOW myself to feel the feeling and the thoughts surrounding that feeling, to meditate in the most serene and quiet place I can find, to "light fire" to the low frequency and allow that feeling to leave, and simply let go off it, and to ask that the essence, the good "end product" of that "work" come back to me as calmness, or in a positive form. It takes practice, and there are tools that can assist, but this is essentially what works for me, when I am mindful and aware.
Hope this can be of use !

raku