That ever elusive sense of security
Anxiety has been my life long bugaboo...I was an abused and neglected infant. I never KNEW security to begin with (I know I am not alone here). My entire life I've had this huge raw area where I knew that no one and nothing can ever make me feel "safe"...for more than the amount of time a movie can distract me, or a party can distract me.
Indeed...when one of those rare periods of distractions end...I crash. I mean it, I walk out of a movie that I thoroughly enjoyed and crash into an anxious fit because all of a sudden reality rushes back over me...and I feel double anxious to make up for the hour or two of freedom I had. A good weekend leaves me in a doubled over mass of hysteria on Sunday night. I know I can't be alone in this.
So here it is my "Mon"...because I had a three day weekend, and I feel sick, nearly paralyzed with anxiety, but also restless...like I need to do SOMETHING...to stave off the big bad world. I feel like I have to redouble my efforts to stay safe, since I slacked off vigilance on my two days of "vacation"...now I will have to pay. Ugh.
I KNOW anxiety doesn't buy me safety, but it's been my connection since infancy...that maybe if I feel bad enough on my own,the world won't go looking for me to cause me more grief. I had one of those.."I'll give you something to cry about" families..you know, if you were smiling they felt it was their duty to wipe that smile off your face.
Nearly five decades and it's the same old thing, the pattern repeating daily, weekly, even yearly as I can recognize seasonal cycles of terror.
I do believe that there is no real security. I know things can happen at any time. My only hope is to find my place in the Universe, my relationship to it on the most basic level and use that as my point of reference. All the variables, will vary. It's reality. And just like my mother promised, I will "pay" for my two days off...with a few days of sick stomach, anxiety, terror...waiting for the other shoe to drop and for life to wipe that smile off my face.
This is an inner demon...I am punishing myself, because part of me still believes that if I punish me first, then maybe life won't have to.
Excuse me now while I go puke.