AliceCat

Hi guys,

I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, so apologies if not!
First came to the site about 5 weeks ago after going to my doctor, who told me what I had already figured out. I'm an alcoholic.
I was drinking to fill up boredom and isolation. And I realised that I'd been doing this for 8 years. I'm 24.
Managed to stop the drinking after a couple of days if cutting down bit by bit.
Went to one AA meeting. Found it so helpful and lovely people, but I didn't go back. Thinking about it, there a few things I wasn't comfortable about... The greater power, the idea of people being powerless against alcohol.
My work were and are great. I have a weekly catch up with my line manager, who is so so nice.
But last week, I began drinking again. A binge on Tuesday, a drink on Wednesday, then a bigger binge on Saturday.
Last night I had a bottle of wine with dinner. Today I bought a bottle and can barely drink it, it's making me feel sick. I felt ill last night with it. Like my body's hit a brick wall and a sharp yet dull pain (like I need the loo) in my abdomen.
I get weekly counselling sessions at a local alcohol support service. On Saturday was my second appointment. She suggested 3 months complete abstinence. I felt physical panic.
I was doing so well. I don't know where to go.
I've been reading posts here for weeks and you guys seem great. If anyone can give me any advice, please. Please do.

Nonsensical

There are many different sobriety/recovery methods being used successfully by members here. Read around the forums and learn about them to see if one might be a better fit than AA for you.

AliceCat

Thanks. I've had counselling before, and am hoping I can put my a into it, but it's a long road ahead. I herd about SMART at my initial appointment with the advisory service, and had completely forgotten about it until I just read it now in another post.
I'm way to Google more now!
Thanks for your reply. The encouragement is so appreciated!

Nonsensical

I have been encouraged and enlightened many times on these boards. Keeps me coming back. :-)

You might also check out the info on Rational Recovery on the secular connections boards.

Good luck on your journey.

Carlotta

AliceCat (can I call you Cheshire?).
What happened to you is exactly what we mean in AA by saying we are powerless over alcohol. Once we pick up, alcohol takes hold of us and runs the show. What we have power over is the choice of whether to pick up or not.
As far as the higher power is concerned, if you are an atheist that s cool whatever rocks your boat, just realize that you are not all mighty and when it comes to drinking, you could use help from a source bigger than you whether it's Good Orderly Directions, Group Of Drunks or whatever.
I'd suggest you give AA another go and if it really doesn t click, there are other methods of recovery out there. I also use AVRT and this forum. Check out Secular Connections.
Whatever recovery model we chose, the most important thing is to realize that once we pick up, it's off to the races and that as alcoholics we cannot drink safely again so it s better to abstain. Check out that link, http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...have-plan.html

Edited to say: I just read you are going to do SMART instead of AA. I heard good things about them. Good luck to you

Michael66

Hi Alice

15 months ago I hated the idea of not drinking. I had one dry day a week and I was miserable that day - couldn't wait to get it over with. I finally accepted that I needed to embrace life-long sobriety. To begin with I still hated the idea and was miserable. But as the weeks turned into months someone happened - I stopped missing alcohol and I slowly got to really appreciate and then live sobriety. I was stuck for years thinking life would be miserable without alcohol, but found out that once I had adjusted to sobriety life is actually much better sober. I wake up refreshed. I drive whenever I want. My concentration is better. I'm not having to engineer a way to fit in drinking in a family weekend. Rather than being more tense, as I had worried, I'm more relaxed. For me the readjustment took 4-6 months, but I'm sure it must vary from person to person. But there is a good life with sobriety. Sure there are ups and downs, but it really is much better much of the time. The anxiety, depression or just plain miserableness of the early days passes. You may need to remind yourself of that in the early days, as many of us find those early days and weeks difficult.

I found the twelve step approach really useful, though I did/do it outside of AA. We're lucky to have some alternative approaches these days. I hope and pray you find one that gels with you.

God bless,

Michael

AliceCat

Hi Carlotta!
Thanks for that. I saw that post just before and found it mega helpful. Also downloaded an e book I found on Twitter which is along a similar way. Reading it felt like a lightbulb, so if anyone wants to know of it, I'd be happy to email them the details (as I'm new don't know rules about recommending books and that!)
I'll check out secular connections too.
What I'm unsure about is how I'm reacting to alcohol right now. I'm still drinking, even though a sip is making me feel rubbish. I shouldn't be finishing this glass, but it's like there's something in me saying I have to do it to prove I can drink. Which just seems so messed up. Physically I can barely bring myself to drink. Mentally all I want to do is down the bottle. That is not right. And I need to fight it.
Thanks so much for your support. I really need it right now. I hope one day I can maybe crack this.

AliceCat

Michael,

Thank you. That others have done it gives me hope.

The long road is, well, long. Thank you so much for your words. I hope I can do the same.

heath480

If you have only been to one AA meeting it might be a good idea to go back?Try a few different meetings,no two meetings are ever the same.

It took me a good six months of going to two or three meetings a week to feel at all comfortable in the rooms.

Before I went to AA I tried all sorts of methods to stay sober none of them worked for long,I could always stop drinking,staying stopped for me was impossible.

Wishing you well.

2granddaughters

Alice, I hope you have read AA's HOW IT WORKS. It's all there.

Good luck with your other recovery approaches, if they don't pan out come back to AA and settle in.

All the best.

Bob R

Hevyn

Welcome AliceCat! It's great to have you join us. For me, not feeling alone anymore was huge. I hope you'll find the support & help you're looking for. Glad you have reached out and want to change your way of life. You can do it.

Dee74

The way I climbed back on Alice was clambering inch by inch...not drinking,hour by hour, using my support, consciously making decisions geared to staying sober...once I had my first day I got my second day...and so on.

The first and most fundamental step is putting down the drink...then keeping it down.

If I can do it you can too

D

RunningClean

Hi AliceCat, I've just come back from my very first AA meeting tonight and feel very enthusiastic about it, but of course not everyone is going to feel the same way about things.

I'm only 4 days into recovery, so I don't really have any useful experience to share with you (and I might look pretty stupid if I fall off the wagon tomorrow after trying to give you "advice"!) , but I thought I'd share my thoughts on what you said about feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being powerless over alcohol. For me, that realisation of powerlessness actually feels like a weight coming off my shoulders. I don't have to beat myself up trying to drink 'normally', I don't have to go out at night, struggle to limit myself to two or three drinks, fail, get blasted and then hate myself in the morning. That particular fight is over. I lost. Fair enough, its a big blow to my self-image and I'm scared about the changes I'm going to have to make in light of that, but thats just the way it is for me. Tough.

Now that I'm happy to accept that, I can get on with a fight that perhaps I CAN win...not picking up that first drink in the first place.

There are of course alternatives to AA, and you might well find one that works out much better for you. But for me, that resistance I had to accepting my powerlessness was actually the main part of my problem over the past 20 years. I'm letting that go now, and I feel al the better for it.

Whatever works for you, keep going, keep striving, keep strong!

ElegantlyWasted

You find the wagon you lost round up them doggies (hitch 'em up good this time) grab yer whip and reigns hop back on and ride off into the sunset!

On a more serious note. I've learned that I personally have a tendency to over intellectualize my errr drinking issues. I've come to think of that tendency as simply the manifestation of MY AV or Stinking Thinking or Freudian Rationalization and do my best to ignore it. Otherwise for me, my very "smart" analytical processes will interfere with deeper (more spiritual) change that continues to happen and I will drink.

Any Ideas as to what triggers you to go back out there?

As far as the AA thing... My best answer is its not what you look at its what you see and I believe that AA can work for the vast majority of people if they want it to. That being said lots of other ways too.

Rennet

AliceCat, you sound a lot like me when I was 24. i.e. physical panic at the idea of abstaining.

I'm not a success story (yet) but I am getting there. But I wanted to touch on the idea of getting started.

What I learned so far is that sobriety is something that CAN be learned, but like anything else takes practice. The more you abstain, even if you fail you will learn lessons for next time.

For example now when I start a new period of sobriety I know pretty much what to expect. It is less fear than it is 'well, tonight will suck, what can I do to make it better.' I have my own things I do to cope with the physical withdrawal symptoms so it is less scary.

Now I'm running into different obstacles.. just the general weirdness of being sober for two weeks or more, and handling all the triggers.

So embrace your fear, go with it, have uncomfortable nights without alcohol, and learn from them. Go as long as you can and if you fail, look back and give an honest assessment why. Use those lessons on your next run

AliceCat

Hi guys!

Just want to say thanks for all of your posts! I'd love to be able to reply individually, but sleep calls! (Trying to get regular!)

Just in particular, Rennet, what you have said there has really touched me. I have been thinking all night why over the past week or so I'd been feeling anxiety, panic, brain fog, all out if sorts. After one particularly hard day, thinking I was going mad, it was BAM! After 5 weeks in control too.

After some research, I came across PAWS and descriptions from others about how withdrawl works. It's not just the initial few days hangover I had believed it to be. Turns out withdrawl is a mega-long thing. And I had thought once that physical kick was out the way it was all about saying "no."

BUT! From what I've read tonight, all the feelings, stupid memory things, clumsiness, general feeling quite out-of-it is actually a part of the recovery.

Neither my doctor nor my counsellor had even mentioned this!

Soooo, long story short Rennet, reading about withdrawl and then your post there about learning curves, knowing what to expect etc, has really helped me focus my mind and feel less scared. Thank you.

I've totally screen grabbed your post to read tomorrow before I have a meeting with my supervisor at work!