Midlifecrisis

Benzos, opiates, alcohol, amphetamines, hallucinogens, up yours! You have been in my life or taken over my thinking too long. I had myself convinced that I needed you. I don't. I need my life back and my family need me.

I love the way you make my bed feel like a cloud and the way you make sleep effortless. I love the way you take away all my thoughts and cares. I love the way you help me to be more outgoing.

But I hate what I've let you take from me. My mind, my body, quality time with my family. Time! I hate that you take away my cares so much that falling asleep with you I couldn't care less if I were never to wake up.

This is probably the hardest I have had to fight and I know there is only one thjng that would give me instant relief. But I'm not going there, I'm not doing all this again. I could lose everything.

I'm scared to feel but I know I need to. Life on life's terms.

Feck you drugs.

While we are at it. Feck you bulimia.

You can't have me.

Leshar

Great and thought provoking post, thanks. Are you Irish?

Midlifecrisis

Lol no. I had an Irish maiden name though . And swearing isn't allowed lol.

EverySngleNight

I agree!! Flock all of it!!!

Leshar

Haha! I went to uni in Dublin, kinda miss the Irish slang.
Take care.

DirtyRiverMan

I agree..........feck em' all!

Midlifecrisis

drunkyjules

You can do it midlife!!! Believe in a whole new you, a whole new life and take it a day at a time!!

Midlifecrisis

Thank you Jules

Hevyn

It's wonderful to hear you sounding so determined and positive. You never have to return to that awful place - you're doing this.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. Yeah that came from somewhere inside. I am lying here like a vegetable and not really feeling any emotions yet. They just be in there though.

Grungehead

They are in there MLC, it just takes awhile for the "novocaine" to wear off.

My suggestion (from experience) is to be prepared for them once they do come back. While it's great to feel them again it can also be a bit overwhelming at first since it has become "normal" for us to be numb to them.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. Yeah, I am still very much in withdrawal from the Benzos so all my thinking is really gojng into my physical state a (literally) putting one foot in front of the other.

I am quite nervous about the feelings coming back. I was sober for 6 weeks or so from New Years and I was depressed and suicidal during this time. I am on anti depressants now so I am hoping they help me keep my head above for just a little while. I am just waiting for my ed to rear it's ugly head also.

Grungehead

Yeah it usually takes me about 3 months just to feel there is hope and about 6 months to actually feel good about myself and life in general. It does happen eventually though. Right now just putting one foot in front of the other and not using is a major accomplishment so keep it up!

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. Can't wait to feel some semblance of normality, whatever that is!

animalnurse9

Hehe I'm Irish �� feck it all ��

Midlifecrisis

Hehe

Troae

My favorite creative "un-swear" is, "BUCK FOOZE!!"

Midlifecrisis

Haha unswear

Hevyn

Hoping today is better for you MLC. (At least some semblance of normalcy, as you said.)