Lyingdog

Every one struggles with something. I truly believe that. But why has this roller coaster been so hard to stop? Why does my wife and children have to suffer through this?
I was on this board ONE WEEK AGO TO THE DAY crying my eyes out for mercy. I was so convened that I had reached my bottom and had taken my last drink. I even listed a plan the next day. I did not follow the plan and by Saturday I was drinking again. Monday I drank some and last night I got drunk.
I am hear again.... Crying my eyes out, begging for mercy!
My wife wants a divorce. She is a normal drinker and can not relate to what I go through. We had a counciler ask her to go to alanon meeting and she never did.
She tells me that she is going to a lawyers office Monday. Loosing my family would rip me apart. I need them but I don't deserve them after all of the lying.
I feel like a peace of trash. Their is a good person in their. I just hope and pray I can find him again.
Thanks for your support!

Jeni26

I'm so sorry that its come to this for you.

Nows the time to make that decision, do you want to quit more than ANYTHING?? Any method you use will require a commitment from you. It isn't easy to do, but many many people have done it here. I don't know if its too late to save your marriage, but it's never too late to quit.

Have you looked into recovery methods? Do you have a plan?x

bigaquagirl

Hang in there! We all here for you ...
Slow down for a sec. One thing at a time.
You cannot control what she will or will not do. Ultimatums, tantrums and psycho episods are somewhat childish but it is only my opinion. However, you are here and you are seeking help.... read as much of posts as you can, something will click. Hang in there. One thing at a time.

neferkamichael

Lyingdog, addiction is a brain disease and difficult to overcome, but it can be done. Looks like to me your wife just handed you a choice. Yes, there is a good person in you and its time to let him out. Rootin for ya.

Dib42

He's right here right now... He's the guy that comes on this forum to discuss his problem. However through the years of letting the liar/drunk take control of your life, he's weak - he is not lost, just weak. You don't find him, you build him. You need to empower him, accept that is the new you and live accordingly. But he can't do it alone, and you've been giving in to your addiction for so long that you've forgotten how to help him.

Its very hard at first, very very very hard, but it gets easier, yes there are still good days and bad days, but there is a point where the good days outnumber the bad. (I consider a good day as a day where it doesnt even cross my mind to drink. A day where I'm not making a choice to drink or not to drink, but a day where it doesn't even come up)

At first you'll need to use all your intensity to stay focused on sobriety, it'll be a war. But eventually you'll start winning, and then you'll start crushing the addiction. But until you're ready to commit to that level of intensity, you'll waiver, you'll win some battles and lose some. You can't half ass quitting drinking, you have to commit, either be a drunk, or be sober. I won't judge you for which you choose.

Also you need to get yourself into a serious support group. For one, it'll show you're making an effort which may make a difference in your relationship, and two it will help you quit drinking.

bryangt

I have followed the journey of a 'new life' through AA. It is your choice. First I HAD to surrender...admit I had problem. Then I had to become willing to do whatever I could to become sober. It wasn't easy. I hit a bottom and I was afraid what was next. My ex-wife left me years ago, and should have been a sign. But my ego & pride wouldn't admit it. Now over 2 years sober, I am trying hard to claw back into a life. It hasn't been easy. All I can suggest is to make your move now before things get more 'unmanageable' . Maybe if you start to take the steps for a new life, your wife will realize your honest attempt and your family/marriage can be salvaged. I wish you the best. Try to make a plan & stick to it. You don't have to go it alone. And if she goes to Al-Anon & you try AA that could be the road back for you.

Carlotta

Welcome back.

I don't have the answer to why but what I know is that almost every human being has a cross to bear at one point or another. For us it is alcoholism/addiction. The good news is that we can do something about it so rather than torture myself asking why, today I chose to focus on how.
How can I remain sober? How can I improve my quality of life? How can I love myself and live at peace?
Like Dib posted, there is a good guy right there, it's the one posting and asking for help and support. The good guy needs to start getting stronger and start recovering. Do you have a plan on how you will achieve and maintain sobriety? Any program, method which interest you? Then go for it, give it all you got and make a lasting decision not to pick up that first drink or drug no matter what.
You have to truly want it for yourself, not as a way to try to get your wife back though. She may or may not divorce you but at this point it is almost irrelevant. What do you plan to do for you?

least

The guy you want to be is the one posting for answers. Let yourself have the gift of sobriety. It takes effort and sacrifice but it's worth it.

Nonsensical

It's interesting that you chose the name "Lyingdog". The most difficult attribute of an alcohol addicted brain is that it will lie to you. Your own brain will tell you lies. It will tell you that you can drink in moderation. It will tell you that you can quit next Monday. It will tell you that one more day drunk won't matter.

All lies.

Stop listening to the alcohol addicted liar living in your head. That sunnuvabytch will take everything you love away from you for just one more drink. Tell him "no".

You can do this.

ScottFromWI

LD:

One thing about alcoholism is that no matter how bad you think it is, it can almost always get worse. The silver lining is that you have 100% control over how bad you let it go. Things don't sound good right now, but you do still have a choice and a chance to make things better. It will take a long time to repair the damage done to your body, mind and those around you but you CAN do it if you start now - like RIGHT NOW.

Have you considered assisted or inpatient detox? You may be better off having some supervision to get you over the initial hump.

Best of luck, and I truly hope you can make the choice to quit once and for all.

trikyriky

Think, what led you to drink on Friday. What are you going to do different this Friday ? You can read on this site , get different ideas, see what works for you. Meetings , AVRT etc. I personally use AVRT . Go to the website Rational Recovery , do the crash course. You will feel it , your addictive voice wants to drink , you don't. Its referred to as the beast. The beast can only want, it cannot act, it needs you to do the action part. Don't let it. Refuse. You got to want not to drink more than u want to. I know its not easy but can be done. God Bless

Lyingdog

Thank you for the much needed support. Have you ever been so depressed that you can't see your way out of it? This is by far the most miserable feeling I have ever felt.

Dib42

I think about all the times I thought I'd hit rock bottom. And all I know is, in those times you think you've hit rock bottom, in reality, you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like.

Not to take anything away from anyone who's ever said "i've hit rock bottom." I know I've thought that before... I'm just agreeing, that as long as you're alive, it CAN always get worse. Best to start stopping as soon as you realize or even suspect their is a problem. And never think "it can't get worse than this."

ScottFromWI

Many have been there, me included. It's just your addictive brain playing tricks on you though, because there is always a way out - and a very simple ( albeit difficult ) one at that - stop drinking.

How you go about it will vary, but the first step is that you need to decide that you want to stop. Nothing more, nothing less. Once you've done that, you figure out a plan to get clean first. Maybe that's inpatient detox. Maybe it's AA. Maybe it's SR. Or maybe it's all 3 or something else entirely.

Worrying about what might happen around you or self-pity will help no one. Once you make the committment to quit all of those other things will take care of themselves at a later time. Getting you sober is the ONLY thing you should be worrying about at this time, assuming that's what you want.

Lyingdog

[QUOTE=bryangt; You don't have to go it alone. And if she goes to Al-Anon & you try AA that could be the road back for you.[/QUOTE]

If God would grant me one answered pray emediatly it would be for my wife to support me and go to meetings to show it. I have not ever felt so alone in my life! It hurts so bad!

ScottFromWI

And it's only going to hurt worse if you don't do something about it. Prayer and faith are important steps in recovery to many, but what you need now is action only you can provide. Have you called a local alcohol/substance abuse hotline to find out what kind of local support is available yet? I'd start there first, you can most likely get medical and counseling support for both your addiction and any other physical or psychological issues that might be holding you back from quitting.

SR and other support groups are a testament to overcoming all odds - you can do this if you really want to.

shockozulu

Yes I have and it stinks. Drinking itself also made the depression worse.

When you think back to Friday then replay the scene but instead of drinking imagine yourself making a healthier choice. Find a program. It may be AA, it may be Rational Recovery, it may be SMART or even a combination (I'm NA and SMART myself.

Then follow through. Work your chosen program like you life depended on it, because it does.

Dib42

Go to the meetings. Get your act together. Take back control of your life. And if its in God's plans, your wife will support you.

My dad was an alcoholic too, my mom stuck with him for several years, through several binges (and my dad's binges were epic and the stuff of legend in this town.) but there is only so much waivering you can expect another person to take. You can only say you're going to quit, and keep drinking for so long before a person deems you unreliable, and has to start fending for themselves. My mom hit a point like that and divorced my dad. A few years later, my Dad sobered up, but my mom didn't trust him and moved on with her life. 20 years later, my dad has been on numerous binges, and numerous years back to back of sobriety. So my Mom was right. She tried to support him, but you can only support someone and have them return to drinking so many times before it becomes futile/insane. (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results)

Your battle is yours and yours alone, you'll meet several people who'll support you along the way. Some will turn into great friends, some will return to a drunk's way of life. Sometimes you'll face great temptation and you'll be alone.

I find in the great scheme of things, it helps to remember that I am not unique, there are millions of people going through the exact same temptations I am. So in a sense, you're not alone. But the choice to drink or not to drink belongs to you.