EverHopeful721

I think I already know the answer to this, but still can't help myself from asking. Is it naive of me to think that now that C has moved onto someone he actually WANTS to be in a 'real relationship' with, that he somehow miraculously stopped doing coke? I know it sounds like a dumb question - that has been his DOC for 25 years, up until the last time I saw him, he was still exhibiting all the signs of active addiction for cocaine use, and he still hangs out at the bar where he drinks/uses all the time with the people who drink/use all the time.

I guess this all stems from me finding out through a mutual friend on FB (not by me asking, just by something they posted) that he is, indeed, back with the ex who works at the bar (the one he told me was a major 'psycho' and she needed to get over it, because they dated a LONG time ago and he wasn't interested), and on Saturday, he took her kid skateboarding (something he hasn't done in YEARS) and then he went on a 'double date' with his girlfriend, her kid and his girlfriend. I don't know what the 'date' consisted of, and I know I shouldn't care and it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It actually hurt me pretty good, since he never even wanted to watch a movie with me on the couch or even go to a freakin' McDonald's with me, but he's going out on 'dates' with her and playing Daddy to her kid. And it sucks because this past weekend, I actually wasn't doing too bad, feeling 'okay' and not really crying, and then I see that last night and of course, it hit me and I cried a little. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't as devastated as I would have been three weeks ago, but it still hurt because it just dredged up my codie issues again, the thinking that I just wasn't good enough for him to want to 'date,' I was just his on-call free sex and as soon as he found somebody 'better,' he threw me aside.

So anyway, it just got me thinking, since he's doing 'normal' stuff with this girl and her kid that he never did with me, maybe he IS capable of stopping the coke whenever he wants, maybe he ISN'T really an addict....and believe me, as I type it, it sounds ridiculous even to me, because I just know, in my gut, that he IS one and he always WILL BE one unless he gets his ass out of that bar. But I don't know, sometimes it's so easy to slip back into old habits and put all the blame on myself, that it wasn't him, it was just me, I was the problem, I'm the one who's not good enough....and I guess it just bothers me because I don't want HER to have the 'best' of him, when all I got were little crumbs that I tried to convince myself were GOLD. That sounds really selfish and petty, doesn't it? And I know I should not even be thinking about him and what he's doing or who he's doing it with. I am getting better with that for the most part, but it's still only been three weeks and I'm not able to completely block him from my mind yet.

But hopefully I'll be able to soon - my first appt with a therapist is tomorrow - FINALLY!! I really hope that we 'click,' so I can start working on myself and putting myself first for the first time in my life. Anyway, thanks for listening to my inane rant, everyone.

AnvilheadII

to me it sounds like the Bargaining stage of grief....if only I had done <<fill in the blank>> that would have brought about a different outcome. if it was MY fault, then certainly I can FIX it and get the result I want.

sweetie, who knows why he did what he did or does what he does. what is a FACT is that HE did not treat you with honor and respect. and that means he's a cad and unworthy. he's not the frog prince. he didn't move FORWARD, he reverted back to the ex.

facebook is not your friend. friends who feel the need to update you on his antics do not have your best interest at heart.

Kindeyes

I agree with AnvilheadII.....and he probably made her crazy (or made up that she was crazy) because that's a defensive mechanism that addicts use to excuse their own set of behavioral issues. Pretty common.......if they can make someone else appear to be crazier than he is......then he can tell himself that he's not an addict.

If he's had an issue with cocaine for 25 years, you can pretty well bet that he hasn't cleaned it up. More likely, he has found someone to use with......

Please don't let him have free rent in your brain. It is hard. Your heart is hurting......but he is moving on with his life and hopefully, as you heal, you will too.

gentlest hugs to you today.
ke

boldaslove

I feel your pain, my ex did a similar thing to me. We had broken up years before because of his coke problem, gotten back together and broken up again because of his painkiller abuse, fast forward to his best friend dying from an overdose and he tells me he is getting suboxone and getting clean. I'm dating someone else at the time, and he has a long distance girlfriend in Costa Rica. Long story short, I become single, he contacts me, telling me he's sober and has broken up with his "psycho stalker" girlfriend. Luckily, after a few months, I actually listen to my gut and break it off. A few months later, his "ex" has moved to the US and they're married.

Anyway, as much as it hurt, I am grateful for the self-awareness he has given me. Like you, I was happy with only crumbs from him, and tolerated behavior I wouldn't put up with from any other guy. Our years of back and forth have opened my eyes to my own issues and what I really want in a relationship. The truth is, I could never be happy with him. Our relationship would never have the real intimacy I am looking for, and I would always be questioning his fidelity. We would always be struggling, because all his money would go towards pills. I am unsure whether his new wife is oblivious to his drug use and cheating, or whether she knows and doesn't care, but either way, it's not my problem. If she can tolerate that lifestyle, that's her choice. I will not put myself through that world of pain.

I am still single, although I am asked out on many dates. I need to be single for me, because I still find myself attracted to all the wrong people. It's something I have worked on in therapy, through reading self-help books and SR, and by filling my life with things that make ME happy. As intoxicating as those crumbs were (and he knew all the right things to say, we had been friends since high school), I spent the majority of the time feeling like the rug was about to be pulled out from underneath me. In my next relationship, trust and respect will be a the top of my list, because chemistry means very little until I have fixed my "picker," whatever issues I have that draw me to the wrong people.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, AH, KE and BAL...I guess I just needed some sort of 'validation' that it WASN'T me, that I'm a good person who deserves to be loved and treated with respect, because you're right - the first thing I always do is blame myself. Instead of seeing that HE has the problem, both addiction-wise and I am starting to wonder about mental health-wise as well, I can't help but think that it was because of something I did or maybe because I'm always carrying a little extra weight around (the ex he's back with is tall and thin, in spite of having a 10 year old kid, and I'll NEVER be built like that - I've always been short, curvy and just 'softer' all around, and I can't even use having kids as an excuse!) And I know I shouldn't put myself down like that - after all, it didn't stop him from calling me over there all the time for sex....but I guess maybe that's what makes me feel so bad. I feel....dirty, used, trashy....because I let him use me for sex and ignored all the warning signs, instead buying into his words, thinking one day soon I would get the 'big payoff' (a committed relationship) and instead I got what I deserved, what I LET happen - used, abused and tossed aside, just like the trash he must think I am.

And I just can't believe I put myself in this situation - after all, I'm educated, I'm not UNattractive, I'm a 'high on life' kind of person who loves to laugh, people have always been drawn to me....so how did I get HERE?? This just isn't where I expected to be at 37 years old, ya know? Divorced, no children, living with my parents and used and discarded by the first two guys I dated after my divorce. It's just not the life I had planned for myself, not that I had any big dreams or anything. I just always wanted to be HAPPY - and happy for me is finding someone who actually WANTS all of the love I have to give and loves me back just as much. Is that really so much to ask?? And I just feel like such a LOSER right now....I guess maybe this is MY rock bottom...it's what needed to happen in order for me to get help for my codependency issues so I can FIND that person to love and have it be returned.

Everyone keeps telling me HE'S the loser, that it's HIS loss, that there's no future with him, especially in light of the cocaine, that I'm such a good person and way too good for him....and I appreciate all of that. But what does MY codie mind tell me?? That even though I'm a really good person, even though I have a huge heart that is kind and loving to a fault, even though I'm smart and attractive and funny, I'M STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I'm all of those things, yet even a coke addict who came from nothing and has nothing going for him in life other than some quickly-disappearing good looks DOESN'T WANT ME. And if a drug addict with nothing going for him doesn't want me, why would someone BETTER than that want me?? And THAT'S what I have to work on in therapy, I know. Instead of lamenting over him, I should be GLAD that his lying, manipulative, selfish, pathetic, coke-addicted loser ass is out of my life for good. And, as you can see from that last rage-filled sentence, I'm getting closer to being glad, lol. But it's still a process and it's still going to take time for me to completely move past it and get on with my life.

And yes, this one he called a psycho, the one right before me he called a scumbag b*tch and an a$$hole....who knows what he's saying about me. And you're right - who knows what he did to them or how he treated them (although as far as I'm concerned, if this one gets treated badly, that's on her because she went back with him, already knowing he has a cocaine addiction, which I can't understand why she'd want to expose her son to that, unless as you said, KE, she uses also, which is very probable). But anyway, I've only heard HIS side of the story, and he plays the victim role very well, so who knows what the truth really is.... But that's interesting, KE, I never thought about him deflecting attention off of him being an addict by placing the blame on everyone else.

And I agree, AH - facebook is a very bad, very destructive tool. It lost its appeal for me a while ago - I got rid of a lot of my 'friends,' I hardly go on anymore and when I do, I don't really post anything and nothing on there really interests me. And yes, the 'mutual' friends we have (he isn't on FB) are basically HIS friends who I ended up friending on FB after I started seeing him - and yes, they are ALL friends of his who hang out at the bar. So they have no qualms about putting stuff up about him and his girlfriend, especially now that they are all well aware that I'm totally out of the picture now. In fact, the one who put up the info about him, is the owner of the bar and is best friends with his bartender girlfriend who works there...surprise, surprise.

And boldaslove, I'm so glad that you were able to move on and are now happy and now know what you want out of your next relationship. I also always felt like I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from beneath me, always second-guessing myself, always feeling like I was screwing up with him, but now I see that it was because of HIM, not ME. He WANTED it like that, he set it up for failure from the beginning, so what chance did I ever have of winning? But I'm glad to hear that it DOES get better and that once I'm clear of this nonsense once and for all, I will be happier and actually GRATEFUL that it ended when it did and that I got away when I did.

Thanks again to all three of you - you've really helped me feel better today and have lifted my spirits, which I desperately needed. I'm sorry to have rambled on and on and on....I just needed to vent and get it all out. Fingers crossed for my therapy appt tomorrow!!

Hanna

Great advice above.
A tiger doesn't change his stripes.

Woah, major boundary issues on the Facebook thing! I'd de-friend someone that is posting that kind of stuff about another person, no matter who. Wouldn't want to be their next target.

AnvilheadII

I guess maybe this is MY rock bottom...it's what needed to happen in order for me to get help for my codependency issues so I can FIND that person to love and have it be returned.

and here we have the crux of the matter. our JOB in life is not to FIND someone, our job in life is to BE someone. US. in all our glory. to love ourselves and not NEED external validation to be ok. to not NEED to FIND someone who will "love" us in order to feel adequate.

your goal, dear EH 721, is to wake up one day and feel perfectly wonderfully flawed and human and know that that is MORE than good enough.

JennaRose

I had a very traumatic break up with my ex. I found enough evidence to convince me that he was using again and I had to say good bye. I live only a few houses away from him so it is very easy for me to see what he is up to. I have learned that I need to go out of my way to avoid him. At first I said " I am not going out of my way, I will not change my routine because of some jerk" However, I have learned that I am not changing my routine for him, I am changing it for me.

There is always a reason that someone is an ex and we need to remember those reasons. Especially as women, it is so easy for us to emphasize all of the good times and good feelings and dismiss that bad. When in fact, he was nowhere as good of a man as I made him out to be. I do know that he is back with his ex and she also has a boyfriend who she is cheating on....they are apparently perfect for each other

What he is doing and who he is doing is none of my business. And as much as I want to know everything about his every move because I am apparently a glutten for punishment, I have no right to know and it is not good for me. I keep allowing myself to reopen the wound. Truth be told, he is probably not all of a sudden, some perfect man! He probably is going through the phase where he gets to act like an amazing catch and get her hooked. She is probably going to end up betrayed. My mind likes to tell me that they are in that house and smiling and perfect and laughing and everyone is clean and sober and living happily ever after- in reality- they are probably both sitting there getting high together and that is why they are getting a long so well. He will end up lying to her just like he lies to everyone else...The kicker is....ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It is hard to just move on, but that is what must be done. I need to go out of my way and go around the block so i dont pass his house. I need to not ask mutual friends how he is doing. I need to get rid of old cards and pictures... That time has passed. I wasted enough time and I am moving on because I choose to!

You deserve a good man! Do not let yourself forget that you are amazing and the man that you are meant to be with will see that and make sure that you know that!!!!Do not waste another second of time thinking about what he is doing and where and blah blah blah.... the core of addiction is obsession and compulsion... You are obsessing over the thoughts of him- Fight this like you fight addiction. First, put it down. Second, find a support network. Third- No matter what, do not pick back up!!!

I hope at least some of this helped!

broken101

WOW boldaslove, I admire you.

EverHopeful I to feel your pain. My ex broke up with me in January because I had it with his lies and his cheating. I called him out in front of his sister who saw everything that he never wanted anyone to see. So he made it look like I was the psycho and I cheated and lied to him and hurt him this is what addicts do they blame their sorry lives on us because they cannot take responsibility for anything.

As boldaslove stated I to am grateful for the self awareness he has left me with and I will be content with the crumbs of him. I to was never really happy in my relationship with him cause of the fear of having the rug pull out from under me questioning his fidelity. He broke the no contact rule yesterday due to legal matters and again the first things he said to me was I did all the wrong and I hurt him I just listen but it didn’t have any effects on me as I know he ash serious mental issues. I only listen as I need to know what happen involving an accident with a car I taught was registered in my name thank god is not. But he told me he moved on and he wants me to do the same and I am its just I need to be single for me right now, to find me. Who he has moved on with is none of my business I am just happy that its not me.

The more time you spend thinking wondering about him what he is or is not doing that he didn’t do with you is irrelevant as it takes away time and energy that can be focused on healing you. The past is the past an addicts is/cannot truly be happy as they will destroy what/who they have in time. You are not in the path of that destruction any longer be grateful and moved on so that you can find the right person for you. Lots of hugs

EverHopeful721

Thanks, Hanna - that's a good point. I don't know WHY I want to know that he hasn't stopped using....I just do. For some reason, it makes me feel better...I guess it's easier to accept that, as AHII said to me not too long ago, he's emotionally unavailable and he's just moving from one uncommitted situation to another. I think if he gave up the cocaine for her, it would show that he's serious about her and about getting his life in order, a life he very obviously didn't want me to be part of. And even though I am learning that whether he gives up the coke or doesn't give it up or whether he's serious about her or not is not my business...but it's still a new concept that I have to wrap my head around.

And yes, he told me that he hates FB, which is why he doesn't have an account, but he has NO idea how many pix of him and how much info his 'friends' put up without his consent!! Pix he doesn't even know they took, and statuses basically making fun of him and his family. And I always wanted to tell him, but never got the chance, plus, these 'friends' (all users in both senses of the word) are his 'REAL family' (he told me that once), and I obviously don't fall into that esteemed category, so he probably would have ended up getting pissed at ME for looking out for him instead of THEM for putting his business all over FB....SMH!!!

EverHopeful721

Wow, AH, that is a TALL order....but I AM working on it!!! I know that you are absolutely, 100% RIGHT....it's just going to take me a little time to get there. But I look forward not only to getting there, but also to the JOURNEY that will get me from here to there....well, I won't lie - I'm more than a little AFRAID of the journey, but if it means feeling better about myself and finally accepting who I am and being okay with the person in the mirror, then I'm willing to do it. Thanks, AH.

AnvilheadII

that is a TALL order

can't think of a more worthy cause!!!!

EverHopeful721

Thank you.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, JennaRose and ALL of it helped!! First, I admire you for knowing that you had to walk away and having the strength and courage to do it. Honestly, if he hadn't ended it with me (by a freakin' TEXT message of all cowardly things!!), I don't know if I would have been able to leave him...I would have stuck around for who knows how long, no matter how bad things got and that is a terrifying thought!! And one thing I have actually been good about is NOT going by his house/the bar. Of course, it's not like your situation, which sucks that you live so close to him.... But good for you for realizing you needed to change your routine for YOU and no one else, especially not HIM!!

And I am guilty of the same exact thing - making him out to be a WAY better person than he really is!! I've known him for like 25 years (he WAS a lifelong friend of my brothers, before he pulled this stunt), so I just assumed he was the same quiet, shy, misunderstood, picked-on, sweet person I remembered.....ummmmm, NO, that is NOT who he is anymore, if he even WAS that person back then!! Anyway, I gave him credit for being a decent, honest, considerate person without making him PROVE that he deserved that credit!! I just gave it to him right off the bat (and granted, he filled my head with some lies to back it up), but it turns out he is NOT this WONDERFUL person I made him out to be!!

I agree, it's not good to wonder what he's doing or with whom. And I do the same thing - in my mind, I'm thinking, oh so now he's with her and they're all happy and loving and clean and sober and having the PERFECT little life together with a ready-made family, he's giving her everything he would NEVER give to me, even though he KNEW I wanted it more than anything. But you're right - he was with this girl before and even if by some miracle she didn't know he used THEN, she SURE as hell knows it NOW, because she works in the bar where he gets the coke and uses and everyone who goes in there KNOWS what that back bathroom is used for. So either she's willing to turn a blind eye to it and put her son in jeopardy or she does it, too and therefore, doesn't care. My brother said C has snorted cocaine since he was a teenager and even though he sometimes stops for small periods here and there, he ALWAYS comes back to it. And in the 16 months we were seeing each other, I've seen his behavior change drastically and seen him exhibit more and more of the symptoms of someone who is heavily abusing cocaine, so as everyone has said, I can't imagine he all of a sudden just STOPPED doing it just because he's now dating someone who already KNOWS he does it - why would he want to stop and since it's a progressive thing, and observing his behavior of late, I honestly don't think he'd even be CAPABLE of just stopping without getting into a serious detox/rehab program and I know he will NEVER do that - he'd never miss that much work, for one thing (workaholic, probably in part, to support his habit, because he's ALWAYS behind on his bills). I also have yet to get rid of pix and text messages and to finally unfriend those 'mutual' friends so that I have NO idea what is going on in his life and I have no reminders of him to upset me, but I'm not there yet....I don't look at the pix or read the text messages, but still haven't deleted them yet. I'll know when I'm ready and then I'll do it.

And yes, we DO deserve better than them and we ARE amazing, beautiful women!! I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there, baby step by baby step, and the support here at SR by wonderful people such as you have helped me more than I could EVER say!! I truly don't know where I'd be without all the love and support I've gotten from everyone here - it has been a lifeline for me these past three weeks. Thank you again, JennaRose, for your encouraging and supportive words. Although I'm sorry that you have also suffered from the abuse of an addict, it really helps to know that I'm not alone and that so many people here know exactly how I feel.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, broken101.

Yes, that is what he's doing, acting like he has NO IDEA why I'm upset, trying to tell my brother (the one he wants to finish his tattoo) that I OBVIOUSLY misinformed everyone of what really happened between us, that he doesn't understand why HE'S the one being shut out (yeah, as if my two older brothers, who he KNOWS have been overprotective of me my whole life, would take HIS side over MINE!!) and he's just blaming me for everything, like I'M the one who just caught feelings for him out of nowhere, like he never told me he loved me first. You're right - addicts cannot or will not take responsibility for ANYTHING in their lives - he is ALWAYS playing the victim, acting like the poor, hardworking guy who can just never catch a break....

You're right - it's such an awful feeling to always be waiting for the rug to be pulled out, to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and that's how I ALWAYS felt with him, that no matter what I did, it was wrong and he used it as an excuse to pull further and further away....when in reality, he set it up that way from the beginning. As I said, he set me up to fail and then proceeded to manipulate the feelings he knew I had for him to get what he wanted until he didn't want it anymore.

And I just want to say that your entire last paragraph really hit home with me and I thank you for it. As I said above, I don't know WHAT I would be doing if I didn't have SR to come to for support, either by reading or posting. I feel so blessed to have met so many wonderful people who want to help me simply out of the goodness of their hearts and because they know exactly how I feel....it just brings grateful tears to my eyes. I really feel like I BELONG here. (((HUGS))) to you too, broken101!!

Hanna

That's just awful! Seriously would break all contact with these folks, they are not right.

I'm not of the mind that anyone ever changes just for someone else. I believe we all change when we are ready, when it is time.

This guy wasn't for you. You are meant for something else, something much better. His changing or not changing has nothing to do with that nor does it have to do with your value as a person. You can let this color the way you view yourself, but that is flawed thinking and a waste of your precious time.

Freedom1990

My personal experience with leaving my EXAH is that it wasn't beneficial in any way to continue having contact with "mutual" friends.

Of course there wasn't any facebook back then either! Perhaps unfriending or even blocking that person is an option for you?

Sending you hugs of support.

atalose

You can’t imagine that his relationship with her is like yours but better. If she is an ex she knows all about who he is and what he does. Maybe she doesn’t have the same needs as you do, maybe she doesn’t care that he drinks and drugs, maybe she does to. She’s not won some prize here by any means.

Picture a big black garbage bag that you fill with all his drinks and drugs. You wrapped up all the disappointment from not going to the movies or out to dinner, the no respect. You sweep up all the little crumbs he left you here and there. Put everything about him in there. Now you’ve carried that garbage out and place it by your curb. Now she comes along and takes away your trash, maybe you should quietly be thanking her!!!!

EverHopeful721

Thank you, Hanna. No, they are not right and they are certainly not true friends - I certainly don't count them among my 'real' friends and they aren't even true friends to my XA, he just doesn't know it or doesn't care to know it. Ever since he was a kid, he's always been desperate to keep his friends, even when they treated him very badly, making fun of him, throwing darts at him, beating him up...it's really very sad and part of the reason that my codie issues went into overdrive and wanted to 'fix' things for him and make everything all better by 'loving' that pain away for him. But it's not my issue to fix and what's more, he never ASKED me to fix it for him - he's more than happy to still be friends with the people who have hurt him or used him over the years.

And I really appreciate your comment about people not changing for anyone but themselves, when THEY are ready to change. I hadn't thought of it like that, and I appreciate the new perspective. Thanks!

EverHopeful721

Yes, Freedom - I can and will block these people. As you said, it's not beneficial to keep in contact with them, especially when they are really his friends, not mine. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough to me, will talk to me if given the opportunity, but if it ever came down to it, they would all take his side. They are all addicts/enablers themselves and they all hang out at the bar with him and use together and enable each other to use. Thank you for the support.