Someguy23

One bucket for feces, one for urine, one for vomitus.

It's from trainspotting. Love the juxtaposition between the vocabulary and the subject matter. One of my favorite moves/books. Someone confused bucket #3 and my sofa-bed mattress. Probably me but not sure.

I remember drinking cheap alcoopops and energy drinks. I have the empty cans to prove it. I remember going out to meet friends. I have the texts to prove it. I remember buying uppers. Don't have any left to prove it.

Not sure why I came home so early. Maybe I remembered I'm in recovery. Not going to sleep any time soon. No idea where my hoodie is.

Damn it.

Someguy23

There is a silver lining. I didn't call or email any of my exes. That doesn't sound like me. Maybe I've learned to party responsibly
:rotfxko
I'll ask my friends what happened once they sober up. Or maybe I won't. Not sure I want to know.

Dee74

Doesn't sound like you're having a great time SG.

D

Someguy23

Time of my life... just a bit hard to believe it's MY life. I'm seriously missing my hoodie because I'm a bit cold and shivery. Probably the comedown.

There's two hours left before the sun comes up. I'll go get my blood pressure and heart rate checked once the pharmacies open. Not feeling so awesome.

I'm sorry to be such a pain. Seriously.

hypochondriac

Did you have some sober time behind you before this Someguy? How's things generally? x

Someguy23

Not really.

Had some sober time, relapsed in September (my birthday), had a bit more sober time, relapsed in December (Christmas), drank moderately for a few months, now this...

Generally, things are alright. Bit disappointing in the heart department maybe, but I'll survive. Thanks for asking.

Someguy23

Re-reading this thread, I realize I'm being a colossal drama queen. I'm very sorry about that.

Perhaps freaking out a little, riding it out and trying to figure out where I go from here. I'll survive and be back to normal soon enough. Pretend I'm a hobo talking to his pet rat until then.

hypochondriac

I don't think you're being a drama queen, but if I remember correctly you never had any intention of giving up completely, you wanted to moderate eventually...? What's your aim now? x

Someguy23

So, an update.

I'm alright. Went to check my blood pressure and heart rate, they're both a bit high for me, but well within the normal range.

I've taken a 4hr walk downtown, walked slowly in order not to make my heart work overtime, and treated myself to some pizza. Thought I was flirting with disaster, but it stayed down. I've bought pretzels and diet sprite and intend to pamper myself today.

I'm actually feeling quite alright, not even hung over (I rarely have big hangovers).

Everything but my hoodie and a bit of my self-respect is where it should be. The hoodie is gone though I loved my hoodie.

I've poured the beers I had left in the fridge in the toilet and I'm officially back on the wagon.

Incidentally, anyone know how to clean Doritos-based vomit out of fabrics?

Never to lose another hoodie

Seriously though, the thought of giving up forever is still a bit daunting for me. I think one of the reasons I can't help but be a little ambivalent is that I don't drink this much every time I drink. If I drink 100 times, 99 times I won't get drunk and about 80 of those times I'll stop after a pint (of beer) and not want more...

But there is, always, the 100th time, isn't there? And when I screw up, I screw up big!

Hevyn

Glad you posted, Someguy. You aren't being overly dramatic - this is serious, & sharing what happened is a good thing. You are cared about here, and we all want to help if we can.

Dee has said in the past that it was the times he drank 'successfully' that kept him drinking longer than he might have otherwise. The few times he did have a bit of control encouraged him keep playing with it. (Of course he said it much better than I did!) I was the same way for decades - couldn't imagine giving it up all together, so took my chances. In the end I was drinking all day - 100 proof vodka and beer - I was never high or happy, just miserable and damaged. It took my soul. This never has to be you.

My condolences for the loss of your hoodie.

sugarbear1

try dissolving 3 aspirin in warm water and soaking the fabric in that

gratefulkp

is this a recovery forum, or a party forum? not sure after this thread. someguy has no intention or desire to stop doing what he's doing. IMHO has no business posting here. when he's ready, that's a different story, so stick around and absorb. (recovery by osmosis?) there are enough of us in here that want the help, use your resources on them. Not judging someguy, just his intentions. God bless.

Someguy23 has been added to gratefulkp's prayer list.

side note- thank you for the laundry tip, sugarbear. will that work for other stains as well?

sugarbear1

not sure, I just saw it yesterday on tv..... enough said

Someguy23

First of all, I've managed to get a bit of sleep!

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough earlier.

I have no intention to keep drinking.

Desire, unfortunately, is a different story... and I have to admit to having some ambivalence left... but today was my first day off the sauce and I hope it'll stick this time.

Be a bit hard to do that with a whole mattress... I'll try it, although I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to buy a new one. It was a new sofa-bed too.

Thanks. I have a tendency to get attached to my things.

I know I'm being silly about it, especially considering how much worse this situation could have ended, and it's deliberate. Sleeping on a mattress that smells of puke is pretty depressing, might as well laugh about it.

Incidentally, some memories have come back from last night. Not good.

ReadyAndAble

I can't think of anyone who belongs here more than someone who is still trapped in the cycle of substance abuse.

Yeah, I know. The bad news is the more daunting that idea seems, the more likely it is that you're a full-blown addict, and you're problems will only get worse unless and until you stop completely.

The good news? It's not that big of a deal. I mean, recovery is of course a big deal. It takes 100% commitment. It seemed like this incredible, radical, giant sacrifice to quit. But as time passed, it stopped seeming like I was making any kind of sacrifice at all. I know I can never be a normal drinker, but I don't care anymore. In fact I don't want to drink. I have more fun this way. I'm more adventurous, I'm more relaxed and just generally at peace with the world.

Think about it: You're basically saying it was a decent night because you survived it without any major physical or emotional damage. I think you can aim higher than that, don't you?

Moderation was such an exhausting and ultimately losing battle for me. I hope things get better for you soon, SG.

warrens

We are asked "Are we willing to go to any lengths to stop drinking..." 'Cause anything less will not work. For me, commitment shows in what I do, not what I don't do. "What an order..."

Be better than well,

warren

CharlieNoogan

Agreed.

I too struggled with the idea of spending the rest of my life sober. Eventually, the reality sunk in that I might not have a "rest of my life" if I continued down the road I was on. Or at least, not the quality of life I always envisioned for myself.

It is still daunting to think in those terms. Stick to today and what you will or won't do today. You can worry about tomorrow when it comes.

gratefulkp

i apologize, perhaps i misunderstood. you have to admit, it was pretty hard to follow. if you are serious about it, then we can help. we will all have different stories about what helped us. take what you want and leave the rest. have you heard of KISS? and i don't mean gene and the boys. Keep It Simple S____. who says you won't ever be able to drink again? you just can't drink today. don't drink, seek a Higher Power, go to meetings, whether online or face to face. God bless!

*wanted to add that tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. today is the first day of the rest of your life, which may only last today. today is all we have, live for it. MHO

hypochondriac

One thing I have learnt in recovery is that it is okay to be ambivalent. It doesn't mean you are destined to drink if you occasionally think about it. It is perfectly okay to be ambivalent and not drink! People often relapse because they're not 100% sure they want to quit forever but there is no reason you can't be sure and just not drink yet. I like how the ambivalence always leads down the path of drinking

This is your choice at the end of the day Someguy. I am sure that some part of you wants to quit or you wouldn't be here, I just hope whatever makes you do it isn't a biggy x

Hanna

Scrape it off, then scrub it with whatever detergent you have and a scrub brush, then cover it with Cat Litter which will absorb the odor and wetness. Leave it for a few hours then vacuum it off.

Peace,
Hanna