JasonBasin

Hi there!

I have been to AA twice in my life. In 1998 I made 10ish sessions but was not ready to confront my drinking. I was married in 2002 and my ex wife gave me an ultimatum and I went to AA for 3 months, I did a good job of pretending but never got past step 1. Regardless I was sober for 5 years after. However, my wife and I split (we are good friend still) but I drank only 2 weeks after the split and I expect you know the story after this?

Anyway things have gotten bad, I do not think I have a problem admitting I am an alcoholic and I want to be the best father I can. I expect I sound coherent and lucid but I am truly awesome at making myself seem 'functional'. In honesty, I have had many rock bottom moments.

Anyway, is there any way I can trick myself to an AA meeting? I do not need my hand held long term. I feel like I am constantly wanting to attend AA but without the actual final step. I am motivated to change but maybe it is just not the right time, or maybe I am not actually motivated but talking a 'good game'? I have high liver bloods and am starting to get hives...why is that not enough evidence for me?!!!!! Arghhh!!!!

Any response is welcome. Jason.

bbthumper

All I can say is that the only way out is through.
Through the doors of the meeting that is. Just go. Motivation seldom comes when we just sit around waiting for it. You can do it and youll be glad you did.

JasonBasin

Makes sense. Thanks loads for the reply.

Coldfusion

Hi, Jason!

This is a small island I live on. Here are some of the ways we sneak:

I recommend planning on being at the meeting about five minutes early. Park several blocks away, and wear lots of dark clothing. Act as if you are going in to the meeting by mistake.

JasonBasin

lol that's a lovely reply...but..I'm not embarrassed it is just like there is some weird mental block. Maybe I'm not actually motivated? I am excellent at lying to myself. But when I search myself honestly I really do want to change, every morning I shower before work and every morning I say in my head 'not today, I will go to a meeting' but by 3pm my alcoholic brain takes over and says 'just one more night of drinking'.

Sometimes I increase the amount I drink and hide from the world and my friends, I do this to try and push myself to a rock bottom. It does not work...neither does thinking of dying young and leaving my daughter without a father...how do I overcome this selfish thought?

Coldfusion

The "how" is by going to meetings, and working the steps with a sponsor.

I like this post, it explains "why:"

(Originally Posted by deeker)

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death.

Hanna

Human nature that we put off things that are good for us! I did that about the gym recently then once I went it was easier. Now it's becoming something I want to do again. Force yourself to the first one and then it will get easier. Do you know anyone that goes? Maybe ride together? That always helps with my motivation.

I never minded skipping classes in College, because it felt like i was only hurting myself. Never would have treated work that way because others were depending upon me. If you are like this, maybe it would help to just decide at first that it isn't for you, but for your kids. Not a good long term strategy for staying sober necessarily, but good to kick start you.

I don't know why we can't be as important to ourselves as others are to us. Working on that.

ScottFromWI

Jason - if it's really important to you, you'll go. You say you want to be the best father possible, and you think AA can help you achieve this goal right? Then there is only one to make both of those things happen..and you know the answer. Look at your kids faces today and tell me they don't want their dad to get better...do you need any more motivation than that?

JasonBasin

Thanks so much for the replies! Scott that is the closest I have come to genuine tears..I am not sure I could look into my daughters eyes as an alcoholic...but I do as liar everyday. Cold I love that poem and see myself in it and hanna just thanks for your kindness...

I think this forum will help to answer the 'why can't I'...

J.

hypochondriac

I tricked myself by saying to myself 'I'm not going to an AA meeting I'm just going for a nice walk'. I was truly terrified. Another thing that ironically helped get me to an AA meeting was the notoriously anti AA approach in Rational Recovery. If you haven't heard of it before google 'AVRT the crash course' and that may help you with the ambiguity you feel x

JasonBasin

I think a walk sounds good! This forum is really helpful.

ScottFromWI

That's what did it for me finally too. I was not a falling down morning til night drunk, but I drank plenty from 5pm onward. Too many nights falling asleep while reading a book to one of my kids and having my wife come in and find me snoring with a half finished book in one of my kids hands.

I wish you the best - i'm not an AA person but I know it helps a lot of people - same for all the other recovery programs. The key to all of them is to decide to do it and make the committment.

bigsombrero

Try to think of going to a meeting in the same way you'd think about going to the grocery store, a trip to the zoo, or doing laundry. It's just an hour of your time, no big deal. If you find something that works, great. If not, keep on trying and work some of the other systems like RR. Hope something kickstarts you into a healthy recovery!

jazzfish

You can always call the AA hotline and see if someone will pick you up for the meeting. You can call when you are motivated and then you will have a commitment in place when your motivation starts to waver. It doesn't matter whether you have a car or not, it's about getting to the meeting.

whiskeyman

two words.

JUST GO.

no tricks about it.
it saved my life

ACT10Npack

If you feel like going to meets will work then go if not then don't. Heavy in your options on what you need to stay sober.

deeker

haha love it cold

deeker

Go for the donuts and coffee, bring donuts you will make friends real quick. Oh don't bring donuts you want to sneak in right? Hmm let me think. Sit right next to the chair person they never call on anyone in the front row. Nah no guarantee there. hmm still thinking...

Tell yourself you are doing a college assignment, bring a notebook, wear glasses, look all studious.

I see that a lot lol, I am just here for a school project.

Or just tell yourself I am gonna go spend time with my kind of people, after all we are just a bunch a drunks, the same people you sat in the bars with, we just don't drink one day at a time.

Picture everyone falling off their barstools, that will make you feel like you are right at home. Ok Gonna go take my bi polar medicine, feeling a bit manic . oops!!!

vegibean

You know Jason, sometimes is just needs to be bad enough, I hate to see people get to that point. It's almost like the pain has to be equivalent to the wanting.

I don't know how you trick yourself into going to a meeting, I THINK you just go!

And the one thing that comes to mind in reading your post is this; you have choices which is great, we all have the freedom every day to wake up and choose what we're going to do. You can drink or not drink. I think the fact that you have issues with you liver is a concern. :/

On that note, and I know you've heard it before, but if your liver fails, even if the doctor tells you while you're sitting there yellow with jaundice that if you don't quit now you're going to die, I haven't seen anyone come out of that stage, and I don't EVER want to die like that. It's no good.

Good luck Jason, I hope you realize how much better you deserve a better life, and you do!! ~ VB

fini

don't know how you'll trick yourself, Jason.
don't know WHY you'd trick yourself?

to me, it was a huge deal; seemed insurmountable at times.
so when i finally did, i did it in full consciousness of what i was doing, and how humongous it was!
that, to me, was the point: an acknowledgement that i was in serious trouble and i was seriously doing something about it and i was seriously facing myself and a room full of strangers.
and so on and so on...

you can do this!
no tricks required.