New beginning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
New beginning
Greetings everyone. I am new to this site, having discovered it after doing a google search for "breaking up with an alcoholic boyfriend." I have decided to leave my boyfriend. 3 nights ago, after becoming very drunk at my house, he threatened to harm me physically and actually assaulted me for the first (and last) time. This is the 3rd time in less than 2 months that he got very drunk in my presence and became nasty and mean towards me. The first 2 times he only hurt me with his words, and I knew he was under a lot of stress in his life, so after he had sobered up we talked for a long time and I communicated how hurt I was by his behavior. He apologized profusely and promised he would never do it again. So I forgave him and gave him another chance... once... then twice... This time around when he got very drunk again was the first time I actually feared for my safety and my life. This is something that I cannot just forgive and forget. Because as much as I love this man, and I do, I love myself even more. I will not take any chances that could put my life, wellbeing, and safety in jeopardy. He doesn’t know this, because since we’ve been dating for the past 7 months he’s never liked to hear details about my past relationships, but my very first romantic relationship, which ended 6 years ago, involved physical and emotional abuse. I was younger and very naïve at the time, and since that ex was my first love, it was very hard to leave that relationship, and it took me 9 years of being with that person to finally walk away after realizing that I was very unhappy and I did not want that relationship for the rest of my life, and after all those years of breaking up and getting back together nothing had really changed, and it was never going to change. I resolved to never ever ever tolerate abuse in my life, no matter who was inflicting it upon me. So that’s why I have to leave this man, as much as I do care about him. I value my life too much.
The day after he assaulted me, I asked him to leave. I didn’t do it the night it occurred because I live in a different city than he does, and I knew he was way too drunk to make his way home. I didn’t want to kick him out and make him sleep in the street, because I was concerned that he would get himself into more trouble outside my house. So after he had calmed down, I set up an air mattress on the floor (there was no way I was letting him sleep in my bed) and he passed out. When I asked him to leave the next day, he didn’t go home right away. He actually returned to my apartment 3 times, wanting to be let back in. This was after telling me in the morning, even before I asked him to go, that he understood I was upset because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and if I asked him to go he would go peacefully and without pleading for me to let him stay. I refused to let him inside and so he finally left. I went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends from college and her fiancé, who had happened to call me earlier because they happened to be in my area doing their wedding planning stuff since they are getting married nearby in a few months. It was a great coincidence that she called me that day and she and her fiancé came to pick me up because I really needed the support of a good friend. I happened to get a phone call during dinner, and the area code was from the city where I live. It was my now ex-boyfriend. He was still by my apartment! He hadn’t left back to his home, and this was now at least 6.5 hours after I first asked him to leave. I had to call his sister to update her on what was going on (she had called me the night before while the fight was taking place so she was already aware of the situation). Because of his behavior I did not feel safe going home, so after dinner my friend and her fiancé dropped me off at my brother’s apartment, and that’s where I spent the night. I did get a call late that night from my new ex, to tell me that he had gotten back to the state where he lives (but at this point I still did not know if he was actually home because my phone died).
The next day I had to return to my apartment. I needed to charge my phone as well as shower and change clothes (I hadn’t come prepared to stay at my brother’s). On the way home I was very apprehensive and nervous. As I neared my building, I was very alert and looking around everywhere. I did not know if my ex had decided to return. He does have a key to my apartment, which he had left at his place during his most recent visit (which was why he couldn’t reenter my place after I put him out). So I feared that he had gone home, only to get the key and return. I entered my building and took the elevator to my floor. I was very cautious as I walked to my apartment. I stood quietly outside my door for a bit, listening through the door for noises coming from inside. I didn’t hear any, so I proceeded to open the door slowly. I scanned the room with my eyes to see if anything looked out of place. I live in a studio. I slowly walked inside. I opened my walk-in closet door to make sure no one was hiding there. Did the same in the bathroom. I even pushed aside my shower curtain to make sure there was no one in the bathtub. The whole experience was very surreal to me. I could not and still can’t believe all this has happened. It feels like a terrible nightmare that I wish someone would wake me up from. The fact that I feel scared entering my own home is unacceptable; it’s a terrible feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I now have to get the lock changed on my apartment door as soon as possible.
Since the assault occurred I have confided in my close friends and siblings about what has happened. I also made his sister, mother, and best friend aware of everything. I know that he wouldn’t tell them everything, because he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, and also because he probably can’t even remember all the details. I told them because I am concerned that he is on a downward spiral, and may use my leaving him as an excuse to harm himself. He has attempted suicide in the past (before we started dating), so because of that history I am very concerned for him. Because I cannot be the one to help him, due to the abuse he has inflicted on me, I just really wanted his loved ones to know just how bad his drinking and anger issues have become, so that they can watch out for him and encourage him to get the help that he needs. Although I am very hurt and disappointed and shocked by what happened, I do not wish him any harm at all. I sincerely hope he learns his lesson from this whole experience, gets the help that he needs so he can become a better man.
His sister called me last night. She let me know that she and his mom had to take him to the emergency room. He was so distraught over what he had done to me and me asking him to leave. She said that he had been crying all day and said that he felt like he was having an anxiety attack and couldn’t breathe. At the E.R. his blood pressure was very high and the doctor gave him 2 Valiums to help him relax. They provided him and his family with a list of rehab facilities that could help him. His sister said they began calling a few places, and were told to call back this morning to discuss whether he can be admitted. If he is admitted, it would be for 28 days. His sister asked me if I would be willing to talk on the phone with him, to give him hope and encourage him to get help. I said that I would, but that I was not going to tell him that I would take him back if he went to rehab, because I have decided to leave him for good. So I did end up speaking to him on the phone. Once again he was very apologetic and contrite. I listened to what he had to say. I was also very honest with him. When he asked if there was any chance of us getting back together I told him, No. I was calm and I didn’t raise my voice or curse or say anything to put him down. I told him that I think he needs to focus on getting well for himself and his family, once and for all to address his problem with drinking and his anger, and that he should not be concerned about us, because his priority should be on getting his life back on track. After a while I ended the conversation. I was getting very sleepy as I had taken Benadryl for my allergies, and I didn’t want to fall asleep on the phone. So I said I was very tired and had to go, and I told him to take care of himself. And that was that.
I honestly and sincerely hope he does use this as an opportunity to get the professional help that he needs. I hope he gets his life together. In the meantime, I’ll be getting my life together. I have my own personal issues I need to resolve. I am trying to go back to school and finish earning my degree. That’s another reason why I do not need this added stress in my life. Earlier when I had spoken to his sister, I told her that I do not want to cause trouble for him by calling the police, pressing charges or getting a restraining order, but I did ask her to please encourage him never to come over to my place unannounced and uninvited. Because if he does that, I will not hesitate to call the police and have him arrested and go to court to get a restraining order. I am very serious about not taking chances with my own personal safety.
There are a lot of details I’ve left out of this thread because I could go on and on for days about everything that happened. But the truth and essence of the experience is here. I just really had to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening. I wish everyone on these forums all the best, whether you are the individual who needs to overcome a drinking problem, or your life has been affected by another’s drinking problem. I hope the days ahead are better and brighter for all of you. Peace.
The day after he assaulted me, I asked him to leave. I didn’t do it the night it occurred because I live in a different city than he does, and I knew he was way too drunk to make his way home. I didn’t want to kick him out and make him sleep in the street, because I was concerned that he would get himself into more trouble outside my house. So after he had calmed down, I set up an air mattress on the floor (there was no way I was letting him sleep in my bed) and he passed out. When I asked him to leave the next day, he didn’t go home right away. He actually returned to my apartment 3 times, wanting to be let back in. This was after telling me in the morning, even before I asked him to go, that he understood I was upset because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and if I asked him to go he would go peacefully and without pleading for me to let him stay. I refused to let him inside and so he finally left. I went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends from college and her fiancé, who had happened to call me earlier because they happened to be in my area doing their wedding planning stuff since they are getting married nearby in a few months. It was a great coincidence that she called me that day and she and her fiancé came to pick me up because I really needed the support of a good friend. I happened to get a phone call during dinner, and the area code was from the city where I live. It was my now ex-boyfriend. He was still by my apartment! He hadn’t left back to his home, and this was now at least 6.5 hours after I first asked him to leave. I had to call his sister to update her on what was going on (she had called me the night before while the fight was taking place so she was already aware of the situation). Because of his behavior I did not feel safe going home, so after dinner my friend and her fiancé dropped me off at my brother’s apartment, and that’s where I spent the night. I did get a call late that night from my new ex, to tell me that he had gotten back to the state where he lives (but at this point I still did not know if he was actually home because my phone died).
The next day I had to return to my apartment. I needed to charge my phone as well as shower and change clothes (I hadn’t come prepared to stay at my brother’s). On the way home I was very apprehensive and nervous. As I neared my building, I was very alert and looking around everywhere. I did not know if my ex had decided to return. He does have a key to my apartment, which he had left at his place during his most recent visit (which was why he couldn’t reenter my place after I put him out). So I feared that he had gone home, only to get the key and return. I entered my building and took the elevator to my floor. I was very cautious as I walked to my apartment. I stood quietly outside my door for a bit, listening through the door for noises coming from inside. I didn’t hear any, so I proceeded to open the door slowly. I scanned the room with my eyes to see if anything looked out of place. I live in a studio. I slowly walked inside. I opened my walk-in closet door to make sure no one was hiding there. Did the same in the bathroom. I even pushed aside my shower curtain to make sure there was no one in the bathtub. The whole experience was very surreal to me. I could not and still can’t believe all this has happened. It feels like a terrible nightmare that I wish someone would wake me up from. The fact that I feel scared entering my own home is unacceptable; it’s a terrible feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I now have to get the lock changed on my apartment door as soon as possible.
Since the assault occurred I have confided in my close friends and siblings about what has happened. I also made his sister, mother, and best friend aware of everything. I know that he wouldn’t tell them everything, because he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior, and also because he probably can’t even remember all the details. I told them because I am concerned that he is on a downward spiral, and may use my leaving him as an excuse to harm himself. He has attempted suicide in the past (before we started dating), so because of that history I am very concerned for him. Because I cannot be the one to help him, due to the abuse he has inflicted on me, I just really wanted his loved ones to know just how bad his drinking and anger issues have become, so that they can watch out for him and encourage him to get the help that he needs. Although I am very hurt and disappointed and shocked by what happened, I do not wish him any harm at all. I sincerely hope he learns his lesson from this whole experience, gets the help that he needs so he can become a better man.
His sister called me last night. She let me know that she and his mom had to take him to the emergency room. He was so distraught over what he had done to me and me asking him to leave. She said that he had been crying all day and said that he felt like he was having an anxiety attack and couldn’t breathe. At the E.R. his blood pressure was very high and the doctor gave him 2 Valiums to help him relax. They provided him and his family with a list of rehab facilities that could help him. His sister said they began calling a few places, and were told to call back this morning to discuss whether he can be admitted. If he is admitted, it would be for 28 days. His sister asked me if I would be willing to talk on the phone with him, to give him hope and encourage him to get help. I said that I would, but that I was not going to tell him that I would take him back if he went to rehab, because I have decided to leave him for good. So I did end up speaking to him on the phone. Once again he was very apologetic and contrite. I listened to what he had to say. I was also very honest with him. When he asked if there was any chance of us getting back together I told him, No. I was calm and I didn’t raise my voice or curse or say anything to put him down. I told him that I think he needs to focus on getting well for himself and his family, once and for all to address his problem with drinking and his anger, and that he should not be concerned about us, because his priority should be on getting his life back on track. After a while I ended the conversation. I was getting very sleepy as I had taken Benadryl for my allergies, and I didn’t want to fall asleep on the phone. So I said I was very tired and had to go, and I told him to take care of himself. And that was that.
I honestly and sincerely hope he does use this as an opportunity to get the professional help that he needs. I hope he gets his life together. In the meantime, I’ll be getting my life together. I have my own personal issues I need to resolve. I am trying to go back to school and finish earning my degree. That’s another reason why I do not need this added stress in my life. Earlier when I had spoken to his sister, I told her that I do not want to cause trouble for him by calling the police, pressing charges or getting a restraining order, but I did ask her to please encourage him never to come over to my place unannounced and uninvited. Because if he does that, I will not hesitate to call the police and have him arrested and go to court to get a restraining order. I am very serious about not taking chances with my own personal safety.
There are a lot of details I’ve left out of this thread because I could go on and on for days about everything that happened. But the truth and essence of the experience is here. I just really had to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening. I wish everyone on these forums all the best, whether you are the individual who needs to overcome a drinking problem, or your life has been affected by another’s drinking problem. I hope the days ahead are better and brighter for all of you. Peace.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Thank you for sharing your story stronger. I'm so glad you found this forum. You sound like a very strong and together person.
I'm sure that the way you reacted to your boyfriend's actions is the kindest thing you could have done for him, and for you.
I'm sure that the way you reacted to your boyfriend's actions is the kindest thing you could have done for him, and for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
Thanks
@dollydo and @FeelingGreat:
Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words. I am very glad I found this forum. I've been reading posts of other members and it has been very enlightening for me. I realize that I am not alone in my experience. Especially reading stories of women married to alcoholics and whose children's fathers are alcoholics... I realize that the time to disengage myself from this relationship once and for all is NOW while I have no marriage or children to tie myself further to this man. I hope that every person on this forum can find the strength within to leave behind for good an abusive situation and learn to take good care of themselves, and be able to recognize that at times it is absolutely necessary to put one's own needs before the needs of others.
Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words. I am very glad I found this forum. I've been reading posts of other members and it has been very enlightening for me. I realize that I am not alone in my experience. Especially reading stories of women married to alcoholics and whose children's fathers are alcoholics... I realize that the time to disengage myself from this relationship once and for all is NOW while I have no marriage or children to tie myself further to this man. I hope that every person on this forum can find the strength within to leave behind for good an abusive situation and learn to take good care of themselves, and be able to recognize that at times it is absolutely necessary to put one's own needs before the needs of others.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad you are safe. I'd suggest you consider at least getting the restraining order. I've worked in the DV field for well over a decade, and the virtue of a restraining order is that it allows the police to make an arrest before simple unwanted contact becomes a greater threat. You may not think it likely now, but further attempts to contact you are likely. What's to prevent him from getting drunked up and showing up on your doorstep to "apologize" again and going into a rage when you don't let him in? If you have the restraining order the police could arrest him on the doorstep, flowers in hand, before you even let him in.
Please think about it, or at the very least make an appointment with a counselor at a shelter or other local office to talk about it. You can get a restraining order without a police report.
Please think about it, or at the very least make an appointment with a counselor at a shelter or other local office to talk about it. You can get a restraining order without a police report.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
You are a smart lady. You have taken healthy steps to remove yourself from a toxic relationship.
Based on my personal experience, I have found that listening to the words of an alcoholic are useless. Look at their actions. Just as your AXBF (alcoholic ex boy friend) promised he would not verbally abuse you again, his actions showed otherwise. His dis-ease is progressive. It will get worse without treatment.
He is currently saying he will go to rehab. But he isn't there YET. I hope he gets the help he needs, but it is entirely up to him.
When and if he gets treatment, you do not have to a part of his support system. He will need the experience of other recovered alcoholics to hold his hand through the life changes he needs to experience. He will need the support of trained professionals to address his anger issues. He will need to form a new network of support. A network of support that he can rely on for years to come.
Are you the person for that job? I know I am not. I had to tell my AXH that he needed to find his own network of support. I could not be part of that team. I was emotionally involved. I had pain of the past to work through. I had to find ways to stop taking care of him and start taking care of myself. I had to let him find his own way, just as I had.
The AXBF's sister is thinking about what is best for her brother. She doesn't want to see him suffer. YET, her help is preventing him from suffering the consequences of his own actions.
I believe asking the victim of domestic violence to hold the hand of the violator to ease his pain is asking too much.
You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say NO.
(and NO is a complete sentence).
I agee with Dollydo. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. He did not accept your decision to end the relationship (he stalked your apt all day). Therefore, it is for your safety we encourage you to follow through with having the locks changed as soon as possible.
Keep coming back! We care about you.
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
You are a smart lady. You have taken healthy steps to remove yourself from a toxic relationship.
Based on my personal experience, I have found that listening to the words of an alcoholic are useless. Look at their actions. Just as your AXBF (alcoholic ex boy friend) promised he would not verbally abuse you again, his actions showed otherwise. His dis-ease is progressive. It will get worse without treatment.
He is currently saying he will go to rehab. But he isn't there YET. I hope he gets the help he needs, but it is entirely up to him.
When and if he gets treatment, you do not have to a part of his support system. He will need the experience of other recovered alcoholics to hold his hand through the life changes he needs to experience. He will need the support of trained professionals to address his anger issues. He will need to form a new network of support. A network of support that he can rely on for years to come.
Are you the person for that job? I know I am not. I had to tell my AXH that he needed to find his own network of support. I could not be part of that team. I was emotionally involved. I had pain of the past to work through. I had to find ways to stop taking care of him and start taking care of myself. I had to let him find his own way, just as I had.
The AXBF's sister is thinking about what is best for her brother. She doesn't want to see him suffer. YET, her help is preventing him from suffering the consequences of his own actions.
I believe asking the victim of domestic violence to hold the hand of the violator to ease his pain is asking too much.
You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say NO.
(and NO is a complete sentence).
I agee with Dollydo. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. He did not accept your decision to end the relationship (he stalked your apt all day). Therefore, it is for your safety we encourage you to follow through with having the locks changed as soon as possible.
Keep coming back! We care about you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Pelican 
I believe asking the victim of domestic violence to hold the hand of the violator to ease his pain is asking too much.
He did not accept your decision to end the relationship (he stalked your apt all day). Therefore, it is for your safety we encourage you to follow through with having the locks changed as soon as possible.
Keep coming back! We care about you.
Sending support! You are a smart woman who has learned from past mistakes. Walk forward with that knowledge and respect yourself enough to defend your personal boundaries and not second guess yourself. He's a big boy, had many "discussions" about what is acceptable to you; he chose otherwise DESPITE knowing this - it is not your job to take on the consequences of his decisions/behavior.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I really hope you consider going NC with him and his family. You'e already set your boundaries, no need to continue to communicate them. His family may want to keep you tied to his rehab, in order to "encourage" him...but it's up to him to do it. Period. Fortunately it only took you 7 months to recognize your situation and get out. It has taken some of us years to get there. The best to you moving forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
@LexieCat.... I thought long and hard about your advice and decided to take it. Today I looked up info on how to get an order of protection and determined I was eligible because my ex threatened me with bodily harm and did actually inflict physical and verbal abuse on me. I went to court today and was granted a temporary order. Now I have to go to his hometown and arrange for the police there to serve him with the papers. We both have to appear in court in my hometown next week for a judge to determine whether to make the order permanent. I am contacting a organization in my area that provides legal assistance to domestic violence victims... On a sidenote, I really hate that word "victim" because in my mind it implies powerlessness and helplessness, and I feel very strongly that I am neither powerless nor helpless.
I am apprehensive about traveling to his hometown to have the police serve the papers because I do not want him to see me around. I have close friends in the state where he lives so I am going to ask one of them if they can accompany me. I am also not looking forward to having to face him in court next week. I am going to try and arrange for either my brother or one of my girlfriends to accompany me to court.
Now I have to take pics of the bruises he gave me to submit as evidence to the judge. I have a recording of part of our fight on which you can clearly hear his verbal abuse and threats, but according to info I picked up in court today, the recording would be inadmissible because I made the recording without his knowledge (I had my phone hidden in my pocket so he wouldn't know I was recording our conversation).
There are no witnesses who saw what transpired, and I did not file a police report that night. So all I will be able to provide in court is my testimony and the pictures of my bruises. I hope that will be enough to convince the judge that a permanent order of protection is warranted.
I do not have the financial resources to hire an attorney to represent me. When I contact the organization that provides legal assistance to domestic violence victims tomorrow (it's already past business hours today) I will find out what all my options are...
I'm hoping for a quick and thorough resolution to this whole fiasco that will ensure my safety.
I am apprehensive about traveling to his hometown to have the police serve the papers because I do not want him to see me around. I have close friends in the state where he lives so I am going to ask one of them if they can accompany me. I am also not looking forward to having to face him in court next week. I am going to try and arrange for either my brother or one of my girlfriends to accompany me to court.
Now I have to take pics of the bruises he gave me to submit as evidence to the judge. I have a recording of part of our fight on which you can clearly hear his verbal abuse and threats, but according to info I picked up in court today, the recording would be inadmissible because I made the recording without his knowledge (I had my phone hidden in my pocket so he wouldn't know I was recording our conversation).
There are no witnesses who saw what transpired, and I did not file a police report that night. So all I will be able to provide in court is my testimony and the pictures of my bruises. I hope that will be enough to convince the judge that a permanent order of protection is warranted.
I do not have the financial resources to hire an attorney to represent me. When I contact the organization that provides legal assistance to domestic violence victims tomorrow (it's already past business hours today) I will find out what all my options are...
I'm hoping for a quick and thorough resolution to this whole fiasco that will ensure my safety.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Um, you may want to have someone double-check on the admissibility of that tape recording. My understanding is that the PA law on recording JUST changed, and the effective date of the new statute (which allows a victim to record a crime or anticipated crime) went into effect on or about the date of the incident (which you said was three nights ago). (Effective date of new law 60 days from December 24, 2012). Yikes, it would be a shame if it was so close but not quite there. When you call the legal services agency ask someone to check on it--tell them it JUST changed.
I'm very glad you are taking action to protect your safety. I'm sure that even without the recording, your photos and testimony will be sufficient.
I'm very glad you are taking action to protect your safety. I'm sure that even without the recording, your photos and testimony will be sufficient.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
I went to the Sheriff's Domestic Violence Unit in my ex's town this morning. Spoke to a sergeant who assisted me. I gave him a copy of the order of protection. I had to call my ex's sister to find out where he was going to be so I could provide the sergeant with an alternate address in case my ex was not home when they went to serve him. I lied and said I had to give him something tonight because I really did not want to discuss getting the order with her. I think she was suspicious because she was trying to question me and said, "I hope it's nothing bad because he is supposed to be going to rehab tomorrow morning and I don't want anything to trigger him. He knows it's over between you two. You went and deleted him and the whole family from facebook."
To which I responded that it wasn't anything bad, and that I hadn't actually deleted anyone from facebook, just deactivated my page because I wanted to lay low.
Later in the evening I called the number the sergeant gave me to find out whether the order was served, and found out that the ex got it. Whichever officer answered the phone was very short with me so I don't know the details.
I know I am doing the right thing to keep myself safe, but I'm feeling anxious about how the ex reacted when he got served. I really hope he or his family do not try to contact me afterwards. I will not answer their phone calls if they do. I wish there was a way for me to confirm whether or not he's going to show up in court next week, but I'm not about to call his sister to find out.
Now all I have to do is prepare for court so I can put this all behind me!! I called one of my neighbors who I'm cool with a little while ago to ask if he's handy with tools and would be willing to change my lock for me. He said he can find someone who can do it (yay!) so I am going to buy a lock tomorrow.
I am having a rep from this organization that provides services to DV victims meet me in court on the date of my hearing (free of charge). Also, they are able to answer all my questions about to expect before the actual court date...
I decided to deactivate my facebook page because I don't want to have to change my relationship status and delete all the pics of me and the ex and have people start questioning what's going on. But I have to confess I miss my account and being able to share pics/posts with friends and family. So I created a new page that I'm just using to keep in touch with my closest loved ones. I'll wait a while (not sure how long) and then reactivate the original page I created long go.
I also went on instagram and blocked him and any of his family members/friends who were following me. I have nothing at all against them, and in particular was sad to have to block one of his female relatives with whom I got along with very well. I just don't want to take chances of him using other people to contact me.
Amazingly enough, despite going through this very messy situation, I feel calm now. I believe that now I can have peace and tranquility. I know I don't need a man to complete me or make me happy, much less one who has abused me. I feel confident that I can and will make it on my own.
I'm not going to lie though, I am not looking forward to being celibate. I was celibate for a long time before I started dating the ex, because I didn't want to mess around with just anybody. Well whenever I am ready to date again (which I know won't be for a long time because I was single for 2 whole years before I started dating the ex) I am going to follow Steve Harvey's 90 day rule: no sex for 90 whole days when starting to date someone new. That might seem extreme to some people, but I'd rather wait for the next one to show his true colors before becoming intimate.
Some of you may be wondering, How can she be thinking of sex at a time like this?? I feel like I am simply mourning different aspects of my relationship, and great sex happens to be one of them. I'm glad I have the order of protection in place because I know for sure now there is no chance in hell that I would hook up with the ex out of loneliness.
To which I responded that it wasn't anything bad, and that I hadn't actually deleted anyone from facebook, just deactivated my page because I wanted to lay low.
Later in the evening I called the number the sergeant gave me to find out whether the order was served, and found out that the ex got it. Whichever officer answered the phone was very short with me so I don't know the details.
I know I am doing the right thing to keep myself safe, but I'm feeling anxious about how the ex reacted when he got served. I really hope he or his family do not try to contact me afterwards. I will not answer their phone calls if they do. I wish there was a way for me to confirm whether or not he's going to show up in court next week, but I'm not about to call his sister to find out.
Now all I have to do is prepare for court so I can put this all behind me!! I called one of my neighbors who I'm cool with a little while ago to ask if he's handy with tools and would be willing to change my lock for me. He said he can find someone who can do it (yay!) so I am going to buy a lock tomorrow.
I am having a rep from this organization that provides services to DV victims meet me in court on the date of my hearing (free of charge). Also, they are able to answer all my questions about to expect before the actual court date...
I decided to deactivate my facebook page because I don't want to have to change my relationship status and delete all the pics of me and the ex and have people start questioning what's going on. But I have to confess I miss my account and being able to share pics/posts with friends and family. So I created a new page that I'm just using to keep in touch with my closest loved ones. I'll wait a while (not sure how long) and then reactivate the original page I created long go.
I also went on instagram and blocked him and any of his family members/friends who were following me. I have nothing at all against them, and in particular was sad to have to block one of his female relatives with whom I got along with very well. I just don't want to take chances of him using other people to contact me.
Amazingly enough, despite going through this very messy situation, I feel calm now. I believe that now I can have peace and tranquility. I know I don't need a man to complete me or make me happy, much less one who has abused me. I feel confident that I can and will make it on my own.
I'm not going to lie though, I am not looking forward to being celibate. I was celibate for a long time before I started dating the ex, because I didn't want to mess around with just anybody. Well whenever I am ready to date again (which I know won't be for a long time because I was single for 2 whole years before I started dating the ex) I am going to follow Steve Harvey's 90 day rule: no sex for 90 whole days when starting to date someone new. That might seem extreme to some people, but I'd rather wait for the next one to show his true colors before becoming intimate.
Some of you may be wondering, How can she be thinking of sex at a time like this?? I feel like I am simply mourning different aspects of my relationship, and great sex happens to be one of them. I'm glad I have the order of protection in place because I know for sure now there is no chance in hell that I would hook up with the ex out of loneliness.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might want to call the family court the day before your hearing to confirm it hasn't been postponed. If he is going into rehab, he might not be able to make the hearing, and if he requested an adjournment it would be nice to know BEFORE you show up in court.
I don't know how they do things in Philadelphia if the respondent simply doesn't show up. In NJ they typically reschedule the court date but leave the temporary order in place in the meantime. I'm glad you have an advocate to go to court with you.
Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I don't know how they do things in Philadelphia if the respondent simply doesn't show up. In NJ they typically reschedule the court date but leave the temporary order in place in the meantime. I'm glad you have an advocate to go to court with you.
Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
I've been having some random thoughts I really want to just get off my chest...
Yesterday (the day I went to the Sheriff's department in my ex's town to give them a copy of my order of protection) was such a dreary day... cold, rainy, windy... The weather matched my depressed and anxious mood perfectly. Inside I was aching for a hint of blue sky and sunshine...
I also thought sadly about the fact that yesterday, 2/27, would have been our 7 month anniversary... We count our anniversary from the day we had our first date, which I can still remember vividly as such a beautiful, fun time... When he projected to me this image of perhaps the man he wishes he was, instead of the man he really is... From the beginning he did such a good job of disguising how troubled he really is. And also, I missed a lot of red flags that looking back now, I can recognize were there, but at the time I chose to minimize their significance and focus on his redeeming qualities instead... I did not judge him for his problematic behavior before, because I myself have been struggling with a few personal issues, and he was supportive of me. So I felt like I didn't want to turn my back on him when he was having problems... But I can see now ways in which I was an enabler...
For example, several weeks ago, on a Thursday, he told me he had had an awful day at work. He was hanging out with his best friend that night, mostly because he needed to borrow some money from his friend. He didn't want to tell me details of what happened at work that day over the phone, and said he would rather tell me the next day in person (he was coming to my town for his usual weekend visit). I knew he and his friend were both hanging out and drinking, but I wasn't overly concerned about the drinking because he sounded ok on the phone, and not hostile or distraught. But I knew he was stressed over friction with his boss, his stepdad needing open heart surgery, and then he also got devastating news that night that a good friend of his whom he hadn't seen in a while unexpectedly passed away. The next day (Friday), I tried calling and texting him to see how he was doing and I couldn't reach him. By midday I decided to call his job to reach him, because I really wanted to make sure he was ok after the bad day he had had the day before. Whoever picked up the phone at his job informed me that he hadn't gone to work that day. Immediately I became very worried, because I knew he had been stressed out and drinking the night before, and I recalled New Year's when I saw him become explosive after getting bad news while drinking. So I tried calling his sister and best friend, to see if they had heard from him. His sister didn't know where he was; she had assumed he was at work, so she was starting to worry too. I finally was able to reach his best friend who had assumed that my ex was at work; he said he had dropped him off at the bus stop early that morning, and my ex was supposedly on his way to his job. I knew in the pit of my stomach after hearing that that something really bad had happened. I was asking his best friend, what state of mind my ex was in when he last saw him (whether he was anxious, angry etc). I confided that I was very concerned because I knew he had been under a lot of stress lately, and he doesn't handle stress well (esp. when it's mixed with alcohol). I feared that maybe somebody in the street on his way to work pissed him off somehow, by being rude or whatever, and that he had gotten into a fight. I feared that he was in a hospital or police station... His friend thought I was jumping to extreme conclusions, but promised to try and track down my ex, and keep me posted. Well a few hours later, my ex showed up at my apartment. I was extremely relieved to see him, but also upset that he had been M.I.A. the whole day which worried me sick. So I scolded him for disappearing like that, and I explained that I had become frantic not knowing if he was ok or not. I asked him to tell me what happened. Turns out he did get into a fight with someone in the street, just as I had feared. In the morning, near the bus stop, he stopped in a convenience store to buy something. He said a man in the store bumped into him pretty brusquely without apologizing or saying excuse me. When my ex asked the other man to say excuse me and what his problem was, the other man dismissed him, which enraged my ex. He exited the store and waited for the man to come out. When the man emerged, my ex exchanged some heated words with him, and then went ahead and punched the guy in the face, knocking him down on the sidewalk. He then left the scene and made the decision not to go into work that day. He also did not call his boss to let him know that he wouldn't be going in. His excuse for not calling in was that his phone had died (which is really no excuse at all. There have been times I have been out and about and my phone died, and I made my way to the nearest cell phone store where they will usually allow anyone to charge their phone for free using the chargers for the phones they have on display). He spent the rest of the day wandering around the city in a nasty mood, drinking. I did my best to comfort my ex. He was pretty upset about what had happened. I told him I understood why he was so stressed out and in so much pain, because of problems with his boss, worrying about his stepdad's health, and finding out a close friend had died. He broke down crying in front of me, and I just wrapped my arms around him and reassured him, telling him that I didn't blame him for what he had done, and asked him to please find a way to get in touch with me in the future if something bad happened so that I wouldn't be worried sick.
Well that whole episode should have been a HUGE red flag for me. Him resorting to violence so quickly over someone who hadn't hit him first, and who was in no way to blame for all my ex's problems. Violence is never a solution to anything in my opinion, and I definitely think no one at all has a right to lay a hand on another unless they are defending themselves from an attack they didn't start in the first place. Failing to go to work or even to call out, walking around aimlessly for hours and consuming more alcohol... But I chose to make excuses for my ex's egregious behavior, rationalizing it all away as a result of how much stress he was in, rather than holding him responsible for his behavior... Everyone of us has problems in life, some that we don't have any control over. But we do have control and responsibility over how we respond to these problems. His response was violence and intoxication, and there are no excuses for that.
Yesterday (the day I went to the Sheriff's department in my ex's town to give them a copy of my order of protection) was such a dreary day... cold, rainy, windy... The weather matched my depressed and anxious mood perfectly. Inside I was aching for a hint of blue sky and sunshine...
I also thought sadly about the fact that yesterday, 2/27, would have been our 7 month anniversary... We count our anniversary from the day we had our first date, which I can still remember vividly as such a beautiful, fun time... When he projected to me this image of perhaps the man he wishes he was, instead of the man he really is... From the beginning he did such a good job of disguising how troubled he really is. And also, I missed a lot of red flags that looking back now, I can recognize were there, but at the time I chose to minimize their significance and focus on his redeeming qualities instead... I did not judge him for his problematic behavior before, because I myself have been struggling with a few personal issues, and he was supportive of me. So I felt like I didn't want to turn my back on him when he was having problems... But I can see now ways in which I was an enabler...
For example, several weeks ago, on a Thursday, he told me he had had an awful day at work. He was hanging out with his best friend that night, mostly because he needed to borrow some money from his friend. He didn't want to tell me details of what happened at work that day over the phone, and said he would rather tell me the next day in person (he was coming to my town for his usual weekend visit). I knew he and his friend were both hanging out and drinking, but I wasn't overly concerned about the drinking because he sounded ok on the phone, and not hostile or distraught. But I knew he was stressed over friction with his boss, his stepdad needing open heart surgery, and then he also got devastating news that night that a good friend of his whom he hadn't seen in a while unexpectedly passed away. The next day (Friday), I tried calling and texting him to see how he was doing and I couldn't reach him. By midday I decided to call his job to reach him, because I really wanted to make sure he was ok after the bad day he had had the day before. Whoever picked up the phone at his job informed me that he hadn't gone to work that day. Immediately I became very worried, because I knew he had been stressed out and drinking the night before, and I recalled New Year's when I saw him become explosive after getting bad news while drinking. So I tried calling his sister and best friend, to see if they had heard from him. His sister didn't know where he was; she had assumed he was at work, so she was starting to worry too. I finally was able to reach his best friend who had assumed that my ex was at work; he said he had dropped him off at the bus stop early that morning, and my ex was supposedly on his way to his job. I knew in the pit of my stomach after hearing that that something really bad had happened. I was asking his best friend, what state of mind my ex was in when he last saw him (whether he was anxious, angry etc). I confided that I was very concerned because I knew he had been under a lot of stress lately, and he doesn't handle stress well (esp. when it's mixed with alcohol). I feared that maybe somebody in the street on his way to work pissed him off somehow, by being rude or whatever, and that he had gotten into a fight. I feared that he was in a hospital or police station... His friend thought I was jumping to extreme conclusions, but promised to try and track down my ex, and keep me posted. Well a few hours later, my ex showed up at my apartment. I was extremely relieved to see him, but also upset that he had been M.I.A. the whole day which worried me sick. So I scolded him for disappearing like that, and I explained that I had become frantic not knowing if he was ok or not. I asked him to tell me what happened. Turns out he did get into a fight with someone in the street, just as I had feared. In the morning, near the bus stop, he stopped in a convenience store to buy something. He said a man in the store bumped into him pretty brusquely without apologizing or saying excuse me. When my ex asked the other man to say excuse me and what his problem was, the other man dismissed him, which enraged my ex. He exited the store and waited for the man to come out. When the man emerged, my ex exchanged some heated words with him, and then went ahead and punched the guy in the face, knocking him down on the sidewalk. He then left the scene and made the decision not to go into work that day. He also did not call his boss to let him know that he wouldn't be going in. His excuse for not calling in was that his phone had died (which is really no excuse at all. There have been times I have been out and about and my phone died, and I made my way to the nearest cell phone store where they will usually allow anyone to charge their phone for free using the chargers for the phones they have on display). He spent the rest of the day wandering around the city in a nasty mood, drinking. I did my best to comfort my ex. He was pretty upset about what had happened. I told him I understood why he was so stressed out and in so much pain, because of problems with his boss, worrying about his stepdad's health, and finding out a close friend had died. He broke down crying in front of me, and I just wrapped my arms around him and reassured him, telling him that I didn't blame him for what he had done, and asked him to please find a way to get in touch with me in the future if something bad happened so that I wouldn't be worried sick.
Well that whole episode should have been a HUGE red flag for me. Him resorting to violence so quickly over someone who hadn't hit him first, and who was in no way to blame for all my ex's problems. Violence is never a solution to anything in my opinion, and I definitely think no one at all has a right to lay a hand on another unless they are defending themselves from an attack they didn't start in the first place. Failing to go to work or even to call out, walking around aimlessly for hours and consuming more alcohol... But I chose to make excuses for my ex's egregious behavior, rationalizing it all away as a result of how much stress he was in, rather than holding him responsible for his behavior... Everyone of us has problems in life, some that we don't have any control over. But we do have control and responsibility over how we respond to these problems. His response was violence and intoxication, and there are no excuses for that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
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@LexieCat Thanks for the tip on calling the court the day before to confirm the hearing date; that's a very smart idea. If the hearing proceeds on the scheduled date, and he fails to show up, according to info I received at court on the day I was granted the protection order, the judge could either grant me a permanent order by default or choose to reschedule the hearing for a later date. If the hearing is still on for the same day and time, I need to be there regardless of whether he happens to be in rehab and can't attend the hearing; otherwise, if I fail to show up, the temporary order of protection will be dismissed.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
Minor setback today: I called the organization that provides legal info to DV victims, and although they had originally told me they could send a rep to court on the date of the hearing to meet with me free of charge, today they told me that I would need to see them for an intake appointment prior to the court date, and since my hearing is right around the corner, they aren't able to see me in time... They suggested I can ask the judge for a continuance to reschedule the hearing for a later date, but I don't want to do that. I want to get this over with as soon as possible. So I'll just proceed on my own.
They did answer questions regarding the admissibility of evidence I want to present, including the recording of the conversation with my ex (which I made without his knowledge) during which he was verbally abusing me. They said this would most likely not be admissible as evidence, but that I could refer to it in court anyway and have it with me, in case the judge says it is allowed as evidence. I wish they could have given me a more definite answer, but I'll just bring the recording with me and see what happens.
I just bought a chain from home depot for the inside of my apartment door, one that has a feature that allows it to be locked in place even when I am not inside the apartment, because it can be opened with a key from the outside. It costs under $10 so I am very pleased with that. I also contacted maintenance of my building to request that they change my locks (a locksmith wanted to charge an arm and a leg and my financial resources are limited right now), so I am waiting to hear back from them about that...
I went to my local police station today to give them a copy of the order of protection. They asked me for a copy of the affidavit of service that documents that my ex was served, but unfortunately I do not have that. My ex was served by the sheriff in his home state, and they do things differently over there than they do where I live. The sergeant I spoke to over there said they would send their own version of the affidavit of service directly to the family court that issued the order in my hometown, rather than give me the signed copy... But in my hometown when the police serve orders of protection to a defendant, they give a signed copy of the affidavit of service directly to the plaintiff... I felt like the clerk at my local police station was giving me a hard time because I could not provide the signed affidavit, but I explained that law enforcement in my ex's home state do things differently, and I have no control over their procedures... So she just took the order and said she would file it for me. She just jotted down herself when the order was served (yesterday).
My to-do list before the court hearing next week includes gathering all my evidence (pics of my bruises, my cell phone log showing my ex called me from the deli across the street from my house a full 7.5 hours after I first asked him to leave, a screenshot of a facebook message he sent me around the same time asking where I was, and the recording of our fight during which he was calling me names and threatening me). I hope my testimony and the evidence convinces the judge to grant me the permanent order of protection. I do not have money to pay a lawyer, and the organization that helps DV victims is not able to represent me because they're all booked up right now. I'm nervous about going to court alone, but I know that I am articulate enough to present my case clearly... I just have to give myself time to prepare...
I've been thinking that I want to write a goodbye letter to my boyfriend's mother. She was always so kind and sweet to me and she welcomed me with open arms into her family since we first met... I didn't get along with all my potential mother-in-law(s) in the past, so I really treasured our relationship, which was based on mutual love and respect. I feel bad about what's happening, and I guess that I just want to express that I don't hate her son (in fact I still love him), and that I had to take these measures to protect myself... But I don't know whether sending that letter would be a good idea or not. I don't know if she is angry or resentful at me for getting this order of protection against her son. I definitely want my ex out of my life, but I feel really sad about having to cut his family off as well. I got along well with all his family and friends that I had an opportunity to meet, and I felt like they embraced me 100%... When I was blocking his relatives from my instagram, because I don't want him being able to keep tabs on me through their accounts, I had to block his niece, who I met 2 months into our relationship (along with the rest of the family) at her baby shower. She was always really cool with me. Her baby who was born in November is the cutest, sweetest baby ever and I got to play with her and care for her on several occasions... I was looking at pictures of the baby before I blocked her mom's account, and it made me said to know that I won't see her ever again... Prior to all this happening my ex and I had talked about plans for our future, and I felt like his family would become my family as well... And now that I have to cut him out of my life, I guess I have to cut them out also, although they never did anything wrong to me. I know the best thing for my safety and peace of mind is to have no contact with my ex, but that doesn't change the fact that all of this is really painful...
They did answer questions regarding the admissibility of evidence I want to present, including the recording of the conversation with my ex (which I made without his knowledge) during which he was verbally abusing me. They said this would most likely not be admissible as evidence, but that I could refer to it in court anyway and have it with me, in case the judge says it is allowed as evidence. I wish they could have given me a more definite answer, but I'll just bring the recording with me and see what happens.
I just bought a chain from home depot for the inside of my apartment door, one that has a feature that allows it to be locked in place even when I am not inside the apartment, because it can be opened with a key from the outside. It costs under $10 so I am very pleased with that. I also contacted maintenance of my building to request that they change my locks (a locksmith wanted to charge an arm and a leg and my financial resources are limited right now), so I am waiting to hear back from them about that...
I went to my local police station today to give them a copy of the order of protection. They asked me for a copy of the affidavit of service that documents that my ex was served, but unfortunately I do not have that. My ex was served by the sheriff in his home state, and they do things differently over there than they do where I live. The sergeant I spoke to over there said they would send their own version of the affidavit of service directly to the family court that issued the order in my hometown, rather than give me the signed copy... But in my hometown when the police serve orders of protection to a defendant, they give a signed copy of the affidavit of service directly to the plaintiff... I felt like the clerk at my local police station was giving me a hard time because I could not provide the signed affidavit, but I explained that law enforcement in my ex's home state do things differently, and I have no control over their procedures... So she just took the order and said she would file it for me. She just jotted down herself when the order was served (yesterday).
My to-do list before the court hearing next week includes gathering all my evidence (pics of my bruises, my cell phone log showing my ex called me from the deli across the street from my house a full 7.5 hours after I first asked him to leave, a screenshot of a facebook message he sent me around the same time asking where I was, and the recording of our fight during which he was calling me names and threatening me). I hope my testimony and the evidence convinces the judge to grant me the permanent order of protection. I do not have money to pay a lawyer, and the organization that helps DV victims is not able to represent me because they're all booked up right now. I'm nervous about going to court alone, but I know that I am articulate enough to present my case clearly... I just have to give myself time to prepare...
I've been thinking that I want to write a goodbye letter to my boyfriend's mother. She was always so kind and sweet to me and she welcomed me with open arms into her family since we first met... I didn't get along with all my potential mother-in-law(s) in the past, so I really treasured our relationship, which was based on mutual love and respect. I feel bad about what's happening, and I guess that I just want to express that I don't hate her son (in fact I still love him), and that I had to take these measures to protect myself... But I don't know whether sending that letter would be a good idea or not. I don't know if she is angry or resentful at me for getting this order of protection against her son. I definitely want my ex out of my life, but I feel really sad about having to cut his family off as well. I got along well with all his family and friends that I had an opportunity to meet, and I felt like they embraced me 100%... When I was blocking his relatives from my instagram, because I don't want him being able to keep tabs on me through their accounts, I had to block his niece, who I met 2 months into our relationship (along with the rest of the family) at her baby shower. She was always really cool with me. Her baby who was born in November is the cutest, sweetest baby ever and I got to play with her and care for her on several occasions... I was looking at pictures of the baby before I blocked her mom's account, and it made me said to know that I won't see her ever again... Prior to all this happening my ex and I had talked about plans for our future, and I felt like his family would become my family as well... And now that I have to cut him out of my life, I guess I have to cut them out also, although they never did anything wrong to me. I know the best thing for my safety and peace of mind is to have no contact with my ex, but that doesn't change the fact that all of this is really painful...
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I would not send a letter to his Mom when you have a court date pending, it may come back to bite you in court. No matter how great they may have been, you have no way of knowing how they feel now. You don't know what they've been told. And there is really nothing you can do about it if they have been misinformed. For now, I would suggest you stay NC and just get through all this. You may have an opportunity in the future to talk with family, but for now you can't worry about them....take care of you. Just my $.02
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I just want to say that I am really grateful that I found this online community that can relate to what I am going through right now. My close girlfriends have all been extremely supportive, but it has also been very helpful to get input from people who don't know me and are thus more objective when it comes to my personal life, and can also offer advice because they have been through similar experiences. Thanks SR!!!!
I just sent an email to my brother and girlfriends who know what's going on to see if any of them can come with me to court for moral support next week. So far one is available, which is a huge relief...
I just sent an email to my brother and girlfriends who know what's going on to see if any of them can come with me to court for moral support next week. So far one is available, which is a huge relief...
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