Recovering2

You're doing great, don't lose sight of that! One day at a time for all of us too. You are taking the right steps to take care of you. I learned in AlAnon, the only way through something is through it. It takes courage to take the necessary steps when we're not in the best emotional space in our lives. Writing letters you won't send is a good idea, like journaling. Allows you to get your feelings out on paper and look back at yourself.

I'm pulling for you in court, and I'm glad you will have someone with you that day. If you're scared in court, try to remember that alot of us on here will be supporting you in spirit and prayer.

stronger12879

got a text message from the ex's sister saying: "Don't ever dial my number again, this da best thing u did."

I'm not sure what that second part means... My guess is she is being sarcastic...
Of course I am not going to contact her, and had no intention to, but it still stung to read that message. I wish she would have just not texted me at all.
I'm sure my text will bring family with him to court, and possibly a lawyer... After getting this message not only am I dreading facing the ex in court, but also seeing his family...
UGH I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THIS ORDEAL IS OVER!!
I WISH I HAD NEVER MET HIM!!!!

stronger12879

Maintenance to my building is here replacing the lock as I type this, free of charge!!
I am SO happy that I didn't hire a locksmith to do it. They wanted $125!

LexieCat

If you think he is going to have a lawyer, I really recommend that you wait until you have an advocate or lawyer to come with you. It is NEVER good for only one party to be represented. You won't know how to respond if the lawyer makes arguments you don't understand. You can also go to court and see what happens. If he shows up with a lawyer you can tell the judge what happened with the legal services person who was supposed to be able to assist you, and ask for a continuance. Play it be ear, in other words.

LexieCat

Oh, and one other thing--I would not have any contact with his family until this is all over. Nothing good can come of it.

stronger12879

@LexieCat Great tip!!! If he does show up with a lawyer than I will definitely request a continuance. I know I am a smart lady but I can't pretend I have a law degree!! And I will not allow him to have the upper hand in this situation, not if that will put my safety at risk...

redatlanta

Blood is thicker than water - unfortunate but family members will (most) often side with their siblings/sons/daughters etc. even in these circumstances - codependent and enabling just like when the sister alluded to you not to do anything to him because he is going to REHAB!!! quack quack quack.

Probably better for you to put the whole lot of them behind you with no contact in the future I don't really think anything good will come out of it.

Kudos to you for doing this...really, really takes some balls. Hope all goes well with your court date.

stronger12879

I had a scare last night which reminded me of how paranoid and fearful this situation has made me feel...
I was hanging out with a neighbor of mine who owns a music studio. The music studio is across the street from where we live, underground in a parking garage. I stepped out of the music studio for a moment to use my phone. I wanted to text one of my BFF's. The text did not go through. Then I tried to make a phone call, and my phone displayed a message which said Emergency Calls Only. That never happened before. The phone I'm using now was purchased for me a while back by my ex when my iphone wasn't working. I changed everything online for the phone to my contact info, so only I have access to the records, and I pay the bill. But I guess technically it's still under his name?? So I was paranoid that he had gone to the store to request that the phone be turned off... I'm not sure if that's possible for him to do, but this whole ordeal has me feeling very uncertain about everything...
Fortunately when I left the music studio to go back home my phone was working again. So it must have been that there was no reception in the parking garage. That was a huge relief!! But that feeling of fear was so strong and real for a moment... Reflects how bad things have become between me and my ex. What he did to me and the fear and unease it's left in me are so unhealthy...
I know I am doing the best thing by having no contact, getting this order of protection to keep me safe, changing my locks and getting a chain for my door. I'd much rather be safe than sorry. We've all read and seen those stories in the papers and on the 11 o'clock news... women badly beaten or killed by current or former partners. Whenever I see something like that, I ask myself, how did it get that bad in their relationship? What were the warning signs that came before? Why did she stay? Did she feel like she couldn't leave him, or did she choose not to because she thought he would change? Well I never want to be a victim of those circumstances. That's why I decided not to stay with my ex. His behavior while drinking has gradually worsened over time, and I'm not going to stick around to find out just how bad it can get.

Janana1313

Stronger12879 ~ Your post has finally brought me out of "Lurkdom". I've been reading this board for 3 years and never posted. Your story is my story. One year ago today, my xabf beat the living crap out of me and put me in the hospital with a concussion. I filed and received a 1 yr. restraining order. He was arrested, spent about 40 days in jail, put on probation and ordered into Substance Abuse counselling and into FL's Batterer's Intervention Program (32 weeks). He VOP'd 3 mos. into the process by skipping a probation mtg. and spent another 30 days in jail. After his 2nd release he made contact and gave me the full blown apology, I'll never drink again spiel....all the usual "quacking". Even though we were legally ordered No Contact, I would not report him when he called or texted. He was sober and in a program and I felt he was moving forward (big mistake, falling for the BS apology). When I first met him he had been sober five (5) long years. 3 mos. into dating him and he goes back to drinking. The verbal & physical abuse started in the 2nd year of our relationship. The major beating happened in year 3. The day after this past Christmas, he once again VOP'd by showing up to his probation mtg. smelling like a 3 day old beer bottle and pissed dirty. He is currently "on the run" drinking every last beer in Orlando in his quest to remain free. After a recent conversation with his ex-wife (whom he vilified at every opportunity) I heard her story of 21 years of pure hell with this man. I've come to realize they are master manipulators and will suck the life right out of a normally sane person. He still wants me to "forgive" him and says when he gets out of jail this time, he's going to change his life, he's tired of losing everything and everyone. Well guess what, he's losing again. If he gave up his wife and 2 sons for beer, he certainly isn't going to change because the courts are forcing him to. It's his life mission to die with a beer in his hand. I have no doubt that he will.

If only I had listened to the very wise men and women on this forum 3 years ago, I could have saved myself lots of misery. I foolishly thought I could help him (Big Time CODIE). TODAY, on the one year anniversary of almost losing my life to this lunatic, I have committed to complete and total NO CONTACT. I cannot and will not live one more day on the rollercoaster ride he's taken me on. I am officially off that ride and hope to never look back. Please believe everyone here who tells you to RUN and never look back. Do it while you can and make it complete and total No Contact. Oh how I wish I'd done the same for myself. I truly believe it's the ONLY way to immediately shut them out of your lives and not let them find a way to weasel back in. There will be moments you will be tempted, but listen to your head and not your heart. It's hard - so very hard, but I'm sending good vibes for both of us that we are strong enough to move forward and never look back. No good can come of it! Thanks for being the springboard that motivated me to finally speak up! You and I can do this! Most importantly, I thank everyone who has posted their stories and continue to motivate me!

stronger12879

@Janana1313 I'm glad that you related to my story. I started sharing here after reading others' posts that spoke to me. I am definitely going to take my loved ones' advice and the advice of everyone on SR to have no contact with my ex. I am committed to taking care of myself and reclaiming my peace of mind. It hasn't been easy, but I'm getting through it. Today is a Friday, and when we were together, this was always the day that he would come to visit me and stay the weekend. Now I have to get accustomed to being alone again. But I'd rather be alone than in bad company!!! Earlier this evening, rather than sit at home and feel depressed about everything, I went to church. I met a nun at my church last week at morning Mass who told me about prayer meetings that are held for young people at 8pm on Fridays during Lent. So I decided to go tonight, and I'm glad I did. It was just me, the nun, and another young man who is a member of the parish. We did some readings from the Bible, reflected on them together, and prayed together. It was a very relaxing, peaceful way to spend the evening. Was a million times better than spending it with someone who would probably get drunk and verbally and/or physically abuse me. When I got back home, I did some video blogging. I have a lot I need to express, and although I usually write in a journal, I feel like there's so much I need to get off my chest that if I wrote it all out my hand would probably fall off! So I just talked into my webcam for 45 minutes. I'm not going to share these videos with anyone or post them online. They're just for myself, to get everything off my chest and reflect. I've been recalling all the red flags that were present from the beginning of our relationship, which I overlooked because initially he was good to me and made me happy. I failed to see the ways in which his problematic behavior and drinking were part of an ongoing pattern that was gradually worsening. Reading others' stories have helped me see that I did need to get out of the relationship now and not stay, because things have been going downhill, and lately the pace of destruction has been catastrophic.
I've been thinking to myself, I'm so happy that spring is around the corner. The season of rebirth. I feel like this is definitely a rebirth for me personally and spiritually. A perfect time to define what it is I want out of life. A chaotic life filled with fear and sadness and disappointment is NOT the life I want to live, so my ex can no longer be a part of my life. While there will be good things about my ex that I miss, there are far more negative things he has brought to my life that I will not be sad to let go of. Ultimately, the decision to leave is the right thing to do, and I know I am strong enough to stick with my decision. You are 100% right when you say You and I can do this! Let's keep on keeping on! There are brighter days ahead for all of us!

stronger12879

I just want to say that it has been a big help for me to make videos for myself recounting everything that's happened in this relationship. For me it's like therapy without having to actually pay a therapist. I've been making the videos because sometimes I'll be at home thinking about everything that's happened, and I can't call my girlfriends every 5 minutes to talk about it... Yes they are here for me whenever I need them, and in case of an emergency I know they'll come through for me, but they also have their own busy lives and I have to learn how to process all my emotions on my own. It's amazing how an unfortunate situation like this can really open up one's eyes and allow one to see another person for whom they really are. I do not think my ex is a bad man, but I believe 100% that he is a troubled man who will never change without professional help, and even going to rehab and counseling won't guarantee that he'll be able to change. I keep telling myself I am doing the right thing, especially when I start experiencing waves of nostalgia for happy moments we shared. For example, last night on my walk home from church, I passed a corner near my house where months ago, on an evening walk together, we got caught in a sudden downpour of heavy rain without an umbrella. We had stopped in front of this building to take shelter. We shared a long kiss in the rain and it was a very romantic moment. I can't walk past that building now without remembering that night... But those memories of happier times are not enough to make me forget all the pain and fear he has caused in me, and they won't be reason enough to make me take him back. THERE IS NO GOING BACK, EVER. Even if he does change and stop drinking and stop inflicting abuse on others. I wish him all the best for his future, but I am very eager to move on with my life.
It's tough still, trying to get over this, and I'm just trying to have patience because I know it will get easier with time. Today it's exactly a week from the day after our fight when I asked him to leave. He is still the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before going to sleep. And he's pretty much on my mind the whole day. But it's no longer all these happy thoughts I'm having from when times were good. I am also replaying the fight we had, all the nasty names he called me, all the threats he made against me, the moments he put his hands on me, how sore my neck and back were all night after the fight, the sight of bruises on my arm. It was a very scary experience. And I feel like I am still living in fear.
The walls in my apartment building are very thin. I can easily hear noises coming from the hallway. Late last night I was lying in bed in my studio, and I heard the elevator coming up and stop on my floor. Someone got out and I could hear their footsteps approaching my end of the hallway. Then they stopped near my door and it was quiet. I was very still and quiet myself, listening carefully and not wanting to make a sound. I was scared it could be him. Then I heard the person put their key into another apartment door (there are 2 other apartments right next to mine), and I breathed out a sigh of relief. Even though I now have an order of protection and have changed both locks on my door, the fear is still very real and present. It's a terrible feeling!!

Janana1313

I know what you mean about the good memories ~ there are so many that play over and over in my head. I think to myself, how can someone who seems to have such a big heart full of kindness (when he's sober) end up being a batterer! I, too, was petrified when I first got the restraining order - walked on eggshells for weeks wondering if/when he'd show up in a drunken rage. I got lucky, the Victim's Advocate in FL told me about a program that would pay all my moving expenses if I wanted to leave the house we had shared. While he was in jail I took them up on the offer and moved. Best thing I ever did because it restored my sense of "peace" in that I knew he would never be able to find me. And now that the restraining order has expired, effective today he can legally make contact (well that is until they pick him up on the current warrant he's running from). I am contacting the State Atty's office on Monday and asking them to have the judge make it a permanent RO when they finally arrest him for VOP, because even after a year, I still get that feeling in my gut that he's not done with me. He still believes that we can work things out because he's gotten sober before and stayed that way for 5 years. He called me a week ago and told me he just wants to stay out of jail a few more weeks until his income tax return comes so he can "stock his jail canteen account". $100 says he'll stay on the run and blow through that check before he even thinks about turning himself in. I have finally realized that his 40 year drinking habit will never be broken. He LOVES alcohol more than anyone or anything ~ it's just that simple. The lives he's destroyed in his quest to be a skid row drunk are just collateral damage. He could care less. I think I read on here in the many, many threads that "He's showing you who he is". I keep that in the back of my mind at all times. He was my first and last experience of living with an alcoholic. Today I changed my phone number that I've had for 14 years. It was hard because I feel like I'm forced to make changes to my life while he sits back and enjoys his beer with no remorse. I've gotten and read "Co-Dependent No More". It's my new bible, highlighted in yellow, underlined in red and full of handwritten "notes to self". I read from it every day. Escaping the clutches of an alcoholic that you've loved with every ounce of your being is painful. But hopefully, from that pain comes experience, knowledge and hope. I'm moving on finally, one day at a time! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts next week when you get your restraining/protection order. Keep in mind, it's just a piece of paper to a drunk - they don't have boundaries, so a piece of paper means nothing to them. Protect yourself and trust your gut! PS - The personal video diaries are a great idea! I journal, but a video journal sounds even better!

stronger12879

I just looked up Al-Anon in my area, and there is a meeting on Monday night. I am definitely going to check it out. I'm looking forward to it!

stronger12879

Took a long walk around the park, had a yummy cappucino at a local cafe. Now cleaning the house, getting ready for a visit from one of my girlfriends who is spending the night It's so important in getting through this ordeal to have some quality me time and friend time. Once in a while a sad thought will creep into my mind, but I'm keeping myself busy and focused on the positive! I'm actually more at peace than I have been in a long while...

stronger12879

Good morning! Today I woke up early enough to make it to morning Mass at my church. For me prayer and worship has always been a very helpful way to get through difficult times.
I'm at home now. I just ordered prints online of photos I plan to bring to my court hearing and submit as evidence to the judge who will decide whether to grant me a permanent order of protection. I also have to go to the family courthouse this morning to confirm some info regarding my case. Last week, when I traveled out of town to give my temporary order of protection to the sheriff's department in my ex's hometown so that they could serve him with the papers, the sergeant who assisted me there said they would not give me the affidavit of service. He said they would fax it directly to the courthouse (they do things a bit differently in their office than the police do here). But I was instructed at family court here to bring the affidavit with me to the court hearing. So I have to go to court to confirm that they received the affidavit. I tried calling a few days ago to find out if they had received it, but they do not give out info regarding any case over the phone (to protect confidentiality, which is totally understandable).
After I handle that, I'm going to prepare for my court hearing, which is tomorrow morning. I want to gather all my thoughts and organize notes for my testimony, prepare all the evidence I plan to present, and pick an outfit to wear that is professional and appropriate attire for court.
I am anxious about having to face my ex tomorrow, as well as his family/friends (potentially). I am hoping and praying that there is no ugly confrontation, and that this matter gets resolved quickly and peacefully. One of my girlfriends is coming with me for moral support, and I am very thankful for that.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I get through this!

stronger12879

The family court that issued my order of protection has not yet received the affidavit of service from the sheriff's department in my ex's hometown. But the sheriff did confirm that my ex was served with the order and they mailed the affidavit on the 28th, so hopefully the court will get it later today. Even if they don't, I will still be going to the court hearing tomorrow, and my ex is supposed to be there as well since he's already been notified.
My one girlfriend who had told me she would be coming tomorrow texted me this morning saying that she wasn't sure anymore if she could make it. No one else I asked is able to go. So I reached out to my brother with a text saying that I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't expect him to abandon his own obligations tomorrow to come to court with me; I was just looking for some words of support and encouragement. Well he called me after that and I really didn't appreciate his words or tone of voice. He said that everyone has their own problems and I can't expect them to just drop everything for me. He also said he didn't think it was a good idea that I sent an email last week to him and my girlfriends asking if anyone could accompany me to court because that made me look 'needy'. I feel like he is being extremely insensitive. I know my problems aren't more important than anyone else's, and I don't expect people to drop everything for me. I understand if they can't join me in court, and if they can, I am very grateful for that. I don't think there was anything wrong with asking for help from my loved ones. Anyone going through this type of situation would want some moral support. Regardless of whether anyone can actually accompany me to court tomorrow, I am still going to go and handle my business, because this is my problem and I am going to face it, no matter what. Above all else, I have my faith in God that I carry with me wherever I go; that will get me through this and any other ordeal.

LexieCat

Try calling the local DV hotline and see if there is an advocate who can come to court with you. That's kind of what they are there for. If they don't have anyone available, see if they can suggest somebody. I know you'd like to have a family member there, but just having someone on "your side" be there with you is the important thing. Philadelphia Women Against Abuse hotline 866-723-3014.

stronger12879

Thanks for the hotline #, LexieCat. I did call Women Against Abuse Legal Center last week, and they were able to answer some my questions but not able to provide an advocate. They require clients to see them in person for an intake appointment before they will provide a court advocate, and because my court hearing was scheduled so soon they had no availability for intake appointments before my hearing...
The person who I spoke to just now from the hotline # you gave me has referred me to the National Clearinghouse for Defense of Battered Women (2153510010). I'm listing that # here just in case any women reading this post in Pennsylvania who may need such a resource can have that info.
On the bright side, my friend has confirmed that she can meet me tomorrow morning for coffee near the courthouse before my hearing. She can't stay with me at court because she is very busy working on her graduate thesis, a draft of which is due at the end of this week. However, I am very relieved and grateful that I will get to see at least one friend to offer support before I face my ex in court.

LexieCat

Oh, OK,

I thought it was just that there were no lawyers available--I didn't realize you were talking about an advocate.

You will be fine, I'm sure--especially with someone to meet right before.

stronger12879

Thanks LexieCat for the help and reassurance!
I just finished preparing the statement I will give as testimony and the evidence I plan to present. Now going to a copy center to print out these documents.
Can't wait to eat dinner and get some good rest tonight so I can have the strength and energy I will need to face all this tomorrow!