angelx

I'm really attracted to someone in my group therapy. I have six more days left, so it's not a huge concern, but I know that I should be focused on finishing my outpatient program and staying clean. The thing is, he's in AA and NA, but seems really unstable. (He tried to take his life last week.) I can't really explain how attracted I am to him. I think I'm just so sad, lonely, shell shocked from two recent losses, and seeking love so much.

I wanted to post to get some feedback. I mean, who knows if he is even attracted to me. But I know that my sobriety should come before lust and attractions. I barely know him.

Any thoughts?

deeker

Red Flag!!

hypochondriac

Get a puppy

Is it possible you are attracted to him because he's a wreck? I have noticed this in my own experience. Sometimes I'll be really attracted to someone and have no idea why... then I find out they have mental health problems... Ah. It's a thing I have. I'm just not attracted to mentally stable people.

ricmcc

I think that you already know that acting on an attraction to someone you meet in therapy places two recoveries in grave danger; yours and theirs'. All the best, Rick

Cleopatra1

hi angel,, whilst i know my own thoughts on this are,, where you find love doesnt matter,, its thats you found it that does,, im a bit nervous here,, i mean, in one sense, i say why cant you indeed fall for anyone in ant circumstance,, this is a tricky one, as u both are there for yr own reasons, and indeed need help, and it may be hard to separate the "desire" from the loneliness ting, that u already mentioned,, so, you are aware that this could be tricky.
it could seriously wreck both of yr chances of recovery, or,, it could be amazing, and he is THE one,, who knows!!
gee , not much advice eh? lol,, but its a dble prob this,,, cos i do beleive that if u find it,, grab it,, have fun, y not??? but this is a different situation,, especially as he is more unstable than u at the mo,, and it could be a hindrence for u ,, and my darlin,, seems u dont need it right now in yr life,, so,,, if u can keep it fun,, then go for it,, but im not sure i could ,, i do know others that have tho,,, so im not much good here am i ? lols xxx
i think u just need to weigh up the pros and cons of this ,, and follow yr heart,, but listen to yr head v v v much,,, good luck my dear,, keep in touch,, and sorry bout yr friend,, thoughts are wiv u hunny,,
lv cleo xxxxxxxxxxx
ps,, im crap at this xx lol xxx

ReadyAtLast

I think you should leave rehab next week and not give the guy a second thought. You don't know him, have no idea how he feels about you.I think you both should concentrate on your recovery first and foremost.you're raw,vulnerable and he's obviously unstable and got serious mental health issues. red flags all over the place.

Dee74

I've been in group situations where I formed attachments with people...it's a natural reaction to feeling alone and scared but it often doesn't have a lot of basis in reality angelx.

All of my dreams were unrequited ones - and I can;t help feeling how lucky I was now, even tho it was painful at the time.

I really feel it's probably best for you and this guy not to throw yourself into anything right now...as you say, you have no idea how this other person feels, he's obviously in a lot of pain right now anyway, and you need to focus on your yourself and your recovery.

there's a lifetime ahead to fall in love - don't rush it angelx

D

renaldo

Getting the hots for someone who is suicidal...

There was a great "Kids in the Hall" sketch where one of the comedy troupe was playing a female punk rocker/spoken word poet modeled after Sylvia Plath. Her fans were, of course, all suicidal. She had a male fan who followed her into the green room and wanted to talk to her, saying, "Oh God, suicidal chicks get me so hot!"

Well, the singer ended up falling in love with someone else, and she changed her singing to MTV hearts and flowers stuff, which estranged her from her fans. Her manager said, "I'm not saying that your new approach is wrong, but we have to recalibrate for a different target market."

Received

Yeah. Did that during my first few months sober. Not. good.

If I liked them, there was a 99% chance they were bad news for me and my sobriety. I can assure you, this worked both ways. I was my own red flag.

Mostly, for me, it was just a neediness; trying to fix someone else so I didn't have to fix myself. Back then however, I made myself believe it was "meant to be". As much as I liked tried to think I wasn't a complete mess, fact is I was, and if I picked them they were guaranteed to be just as screwed up as I was.

renaldo

That should be fused in glass and emblazoned for all to see. Not that it would do any good. There's a Dufus Anonymous meeting for a reason.

Received

lol. Well, alrighty. Maybe I'll look into getting that done pronto.

Db1105

Been there, done that, twice. Total disaster, twice.

Ohio1

This is dead on- I remember a therapist saying "don't date anyone you are super attracted to"- it sounds ridiculous but the fact is it is very very common for people to be wildly attracted to the totally wrong type of people. You said this guys a wreck, suicidal, you barely know him- it sounds like not your best thinking. This is what leads to the "why does every guy I date turn out to be a psycho?".

Zebra1275

Get a puppy

If that doesn't work for you, get a kitten. Do not get involved with another human in your recovery group.

LexieCat

Deluded thinking is a hallmark of addiction and early recovery. "I'm attracted to someone so I should follow my heart" isn't much different from "I really feel like (or deserve) a drink and this time it'll be OK."

There was one guy in one of my AA meetings I was really attracted to. He seemed to be doing great, had a lot of insight into himself (seemingly), was sober about a year, as I was. One day he shared that he had been diagnosed with "intermittent explosive disorder." Hmm. That was enough to make me distance myself in my head from that feeling of attraction. His problems, even if they were not his fault, were ones that I did not need in my life. And several months later he relapsed. Since then, he has shown up at a few meetings, usually intoxicated. I have compassion for him, but I am SO THANKFUL I didn't do the "follow my heart" thing.

escapist

I know some of you will probably think this is harsh, but, based on my life experiences I have learned that, attractions are like thoughts just because they are there does not mean they need to be expressed.

ru12

Very true.


Do you think you are healthy enough to start a relationship at this time?

angelx

I think when I posted this I already knew the answer.

I haven't had a boyfriend since 2011, and he borrowed $91 from me, skipped town, said he would return, and dumped me via text.

In order to GET INTO the outpatient program, I went to detox on 10/10/12. I'd used drugs and alcohol severely for well over a decade.

I have been in this outpatient program since 12/19/12. I've gone most days from 9:30-3:30. It's like a partial hospitalization program for people with mental health issues. Apparently I have bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. So yeah, I'm a mess.

My boss (whom I was very close to) died on 12/20/12, and I lost my job. Then, my best friend died on 1/12/13.

So I am raw. I am a mess.

I think I was attracted to him because I thought he would "understand" and not judge me for my mental illnesses and addictions, but deep down I knew that I was getting worked up because I am craving someone to take care of me, take me to meetings, and be there for me.

I think I knew deep down that his problems are probably even more severe than mine right now, OBVIOUSLY. Poor man tried to kill himself just two weeks ago. But this week, we went to lunch together twice, and I'd felt like I found a friend.

I have to admit that he is really attractive, fit, and charismatic. It's not even sexual so much. I just want someone to cuddle with, someone who "understands."

I am going to talk to my therapist and psychologist about this next week.

He came over last Thursday after outpatient treatment, just to hang out and play guitar.

I have some questions for the wiser sober warriors out there:
Should I completely cut him out of my life, and not even go to meetings with him or anything like that?
Is it possible to be "friends" with someone in recovery whom you are attracted to?
Should I tell him STRAIGHT UP that I'm attracted to him, and can't hang with him because it would endanger our recoveries?

I wish I could get a puppy, but I don't think I could properly take care of one right now, and I would want to be 100%.

I'm so stressed out about so many other things, but I feel like I've been taking steps in the right direction (getting sober, getting on medication, and going to outpatient treatment).

I think I know what's right here, but I'm in denial or I don't want to believe it. Even though I just wrote that all out.

I have heard that it's important to wait AT LEAST a year before getting into any kind of romantic relationship while freshly sober.

I wonder if he's paid so much attention to me (probably one of the reasons I'm attracted) because I'm super messed up, too?

ReadyAtLast

I can't speak as long term sober (only 49 days) but speak as a female with a history of relationships with dangerous/unstable/needy/dependent/unavailable men

imo, I would avoid him totally. hanging out with a guy you fancy-it's inevitable you will get attached, get romantically involved and probably end up very hurt as neither of you are really in any position emotionally to get involved. For me, early recovery is about me,focus on yourself,don't focus your energies on a relationship.work on yourself ,learn to love and have a good relationship with yourself,then in time you'll find a man where you will have a solid decent relationship.

LexieCat

If you don't feel you can take care of a puppy, you need to learn to take care of you, first. And a puppy still might be a better next step (when you are ready for a little more responsibility) than a guy.

I wouldn't tell him you're attracted to him. What would be the reason for doing that? You are just setting yourself up for disaster if he says he feels the same way.

I think you can be pleasant and friendly to him at the group itself, but any alone/unsupervised time is risky. I would not advise riding together or sharing personal information outside the context of the group.

Keep it casual and friendly. And, while I believe men and women can be friends and can support each other in recovery, when there is even an inkling of attraction it can be very dangerous during early recovery.

If you are both sober in a year you can revisit it.