crowgrove

What do you have to offer to a boyfriend?

escapist

I see you are doing lots of "thinking" One of the characteristics about myself I have been examining lately is my tendency to obsess on things. It fits me. I obsess on drinking like a mad woman. Now that I have been sober for a little while I have noticed I obsess on everything from the profound to the mundane. I would ask myself I am really fond of this person or I am I really fond of obsessing?

Anna

I agree that when it's such an emotional situation that you are in, it's undestandable that you might feel attracted to someone. At the same time, I know you feel that it would be dangerous to pursue this attraction now. Focus on yourself and getting well.

Carlotta

Hi Angel,

I am coming back to sobriety but I would like to share with you from my own experience.
My first time around, I met someone in rehab to whom I was very attracted. Despite what everyone had to say, I hooked up with him and with moved in together. Within 3 months he relapsed and for the following 6 months he was in a revolving door of sobering up, relapsing, detox, rehab etc....and I was in the middle of that insanity. I ended up throwing him out after he hit me.
I managed to stay sober for 5 years but this relationship made my first year of sobriety hell and I ended up going to Al Anon. I was extremely lucky not to relapse.
You are an adult and ultimately you will do what you want to do but I'd suggest you pray/meditate/think a lot before going further. Try to focus on yourself right now and believe me there are plenty of cute single guys out there. It's not like they are all going to disappear while you spend some time working on your own issue. Good luck :ghug3

angelx

Thank you so much for ALL your responses. Yes, I am definitely obsessing. And as far as what I have to offer a boyfriend, I can't think of anything. The reason why I posted is because I knew this was a bad road when I got that little excited feeling I used to get before scoring drugs, gambling, or drinking. The thrill which I've been chasing to disastrous results.

I have a stable home with two supportive roommate men who are not romantic with me. They are friends. My mom has been so supportive of me. My brother (who was a psych major) called me and we talked for a long time. I do have a support system, and it doesn't need to include this sexy dude.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

renaldo

This is so transparent it's obvious. Just read your own words.

Speaking for myself, I fell in love with a family member. Every fiber of my being was crying out to act on it, but my better judgement and the support of friends averted me from what would surely have been a disaster.

A person is a lot more responsibility than a puppy.

I have a lot of misgivings about AA, but enough people have trod down that road that I think they know of what they speak when they recommend giving it a year being free of dependency on substances before you embark on getting romantically involved with something as complex as a fellow human being.

It's a ball buster for sure, but I think you know in your heart of hearts that he can't fix you and visa versa. Ride it out, just as you would any other glaringly obvious poor life decision choice.

Is it fair? Of course not, but if life was fair, we'd be dead by now. No evil demon is throwing this temptation in your path to test your will. It's just the way the croissant crumbles for people seeking something outside of themselves to make them feel OK within themselves.

When you feel OK within yourself, a better candidate will be there. There are tons of them, and if you don't meet him, going solo won't be painful at all. You might find that you are your own best lover and don't need external validation at all.

Someone once said that her friends would ask her on occasion why she didn't have a man in her life. She said, "My life is pretty full. If I had a man, I don't know where I'd put him."

That being said, I have a really good friend, and that sees me through. Due to my upbringing, I don't feel a strong need for company. I know that's not the case for everyone.

Have you ever seen the now off the air TV show "Northern Exposure?" The character "Ed" had a dream sequence where he was walking around a train station looking for the landing dock with the sign that read "external validation."

Maybe sometimes it's best to just go back to your safe warm home and rethink things instead of getting on that train when you're not sure what your destination is to begin with.

I had a friend who had a girlfriend who kept pushing him to have a baby with her. She said it was the ultimate expression of love. He said, "I rather fancy pewterware."

Threshold

In early recovery I made a little sign that I kept on my dashboard where I would see it several times a day.

"This time let's try it WITHOUT the drama!"

it saved my butt many times, and there were times I didn't heed my own warning and was banging my head against a wall over it.

I mean it, avoid the drama...don't make any "I can't see you because I'm attracted to you" announcements, none of that. Nothing that reeks of the dramatic.

I laughed outloud at the notion of just hanging out together...like that is going to happen when there are "feelings" involved.

It's time for a reality check. We know how it feels, now it's time to look at how it IS. Because what happens tomorrow is based more on what it IS, than on how it FEELS.

I am so glad you came here for input. Don't date anyone in your support family. I had to avoid certain meetings for a time in early recovery when my "heat-o-meter" went blamo over some guy. In a couple of months the attraction wore off and since I'd kept it to myself NO damage done!

renaldo

Stallar advice from one who's been there.

vegibean

Hey angel, with all that you mentioned in your descriptive post following your original, I think for one, you really need to wait on dating anyone, you sound like you're really raw and fragile right now, I hope you will consider this and make yourself the number one priority.

When I was in rehab, there were girls that met guys who had 30-60 days, were living in half way houses with no car and they wanted to date them, mind you, they also were pretty much in the same place. I would say to them "don't you want to have someone who has their lives in place, with a job, a car, some good sober ground under them?"

And the follow with...

"And don't you think they deserve a better you? Someone who isn't going through rehab with less than a year sober, no job and living in a treatment center?"

IMO, it's just not the right time, it certainly wasn't for me. I really had to focus on me and that was my priority. I had plenty of time to wait for when I was truly ready and strong enough to date and get my heart broken and survive that... And I did.

Be good to yourself, and if he has a wife, that is something that I wouldn't even think of. Take care of you first. :ghug3

penny74

What Dee74 said.

bigsombrero

There were a couple of times in my treatment center where a couple of the patients hooked up. They got caught and were immediately tossed from the facility, just like the other patients who got caught smuggling in drugs or alcohol. It was pounded into my head that this is a really, really poor idea. I'm glad I was taught that way, because I was definitely attracted to a girl in treatment. Good luck, I've been there too and it's tough. Sounds like you have it figured out, or at least are learning how to cope with the situation. Good for you.

angelx

Thank you! I think it really helped to post here and get everyone's RESOUNDING advice that it's a bad idea to take this line of thought further.

An acquaintance I know hooked up with a fellow addict in rehab. They later moved in together, and he took his own life. She relapsed.

I am going to keep that in mind.

angelx

Um, yeah. We hung out and cuddled. #FAIL

Nothing else happened, and I declined his invitation to see his band play.

I have three more days of outpatient therapy, so after this week, I'm going to try to put him out of my head.

Yikes!