I know that I'm in trouble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 16
I know that I'm in trouble
I do realize I have a problem, I spend my day anticipating about the thought of drinking beer when I get home from work. It's become very hard to wait until I get home, I've been tempted to drink before arriving at home but haven't done that yet.
I'm off work today and my boys are in school and I've already been drinking, I meant to only have a couple and I've had a bunch of beers already. Hopefully what I'm typing will make sense.
It started in July 2012 on a vacation to Yosemite, I drank a couple beers and really liked the way it made me feel. It made me numb, and I didn't physically hurt anymore, and it even calmed my brain down. Then following the vacation, I had a kidney stone, and thought the diuretic effects of beer would help it pass. The problem has grown so fast, I can drink 11+ beers a day and still want more now.
My Dad died from liver failure from alcohol in 1998, I remember as a child begging him to stop, that he was going to die and was destroying our family. I'm in total disbelief that it is now ME that is destroying myself.
It is heartbreaking, but I love the way it makes me feel. I have long-term depression problems, beer makes me feel like I don't give a **it about anything, it is a wonderful feeling to not care about anything and to not be worrying constantly.
I know that I'm in big trouble. I have less than 1 case of beer left, would like it to be my last, but on the other hand-- the brain numb it gives me is heaven. I have been worrying that the beer will be detectable on my breath when I'm at work the next day after drinking too much, soooo ashamed. I'm also ashamed to go in stores buying 2 cases of beer at a time, it makes me feel like a loser-- like they will know my secret.
Thank you for listening to my story.
DaisyRose
I'm off work today and my boys are in school and I've already been drinking, I meant to only have a couple and I've had a bunch of beers already. Hopefully what I'm typing will make sense.
It started in July 2012 on a vacation to Yosemite, I drank a couple beers and really liked the way it made me feel. It made me numb, and I didn't physically hurt anymore, and it even calmed my brain down. Then following the vacation, I had a kidney stone, and thought the diuretic effects of beer would help it pass. The problem has grown so fast, I can drink 11+ beers a day and still want more now.
My Dad died from liver failure from alcohol in 1998, I remember as a child begging him to stop, that he was going to die and was destroying our family. I'm in total disbelief that it is now ME that is destroying myself.
It is heartbreaking, but I love the way it makes me feel. I have long-term depression problems, beer makes me feel like I don't give a **it about anything, it is a wonderful feeling to not care about anything and to not be worrying constantly.
I know that I'm in big trouble. I have less than 1 case of beer left, would like it to be my last, but on the other hand-- the brain numb it gives me is heaven. I have been worrying that the beer will be detectable on my breath when I'm at work the next day after drinking too much, soooo ashamed. I'm also ashamed to go in stores buying 2 cases of beer at a time, it makes me feel like a loser-- like they will know my secret.
Thank you for listening to my story.
DaisyRose
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
It is common for alcoholism to run in families Daisy. When I told an old family friend I was an alcoholic he told me it was in my genes. It isn't something you have done to yourself and isn't something you need to be ashamed of. You just need the right treatment. Have you considered anything like going to an AA meeting or seeing a doctor about your depression issues?
Welcome to SR x
Welcome to SR x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 200
(((Daily)))))
Thank you for sharing and welcome to SR! I can relate to self medicating with alcohol. It does seem to fix all your problems huh? Well, it will progressively become worse 11 beers will turn into 24 and then liquor its a very progressive disease. Also, my father died to an alcohol related cause so you know that its in our blood to become alcholics as well.
Being ashamed is a good thing really, that means you know what youre doing isn't good for you. You really should stop, it's the best healthwise, for your meantality and for your family. Don't make your children lose a parent early like you had to.
As for the mind numbing thing, yeah it's great for a while but soon the days are going to start passing and you won't be LIVING.
Consult a doctor, maybe medication? That can help if you have an imbalance.
We are here for you too! Look through some posts there are alot of inspirational stories and lots of love.
Keep us updated and my thoughts are with you
Thank you for sharing and welcome to SR! I can relate to self medicating with alcohol. It does seem to fix all your problems huh? Well, it will progressively become worse 11 beers will turn into 24 and then liquor its a very progressive disease. Also, my father died to an alcohol related cause so you know that its in our blood to become alcholics as well.
Being ashamed is a good thing really, that means you know what youre doing isn't good for you. You really should stop, it's the best healthwise, for your meantality and for your family. Don't make your children lose a parent early like you had to.
As for the mind numbing thing, yeah it's great for a while but soon the days are going to start passing and you won't be LIVING.
Consult a doctor, maybe medication? That can help if you have an imbalance.
We are here for you too! Look through some posts there are alot of inspirational stories and lots of love.
Keep us updated and my thoughts are with you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Gainesville, FL
Posts: 96
Welcome to SR =)
I'm glad you're here. I can relate a bit with you on what your going through. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and pretty much stole my dad's childhood away from him. I have been a heavy binge drinker for the last 5 years. I would drink about 2 or 3 bottles of liquor a week. I have drank once during the last 31 days, and I never thought I would be free from booze. Although, I still wanna grab a bottle once in a while, I've managed to resist. I was in the military and found out that drinking before we worked out allowed me to run pain free from shin splits. I ran multiple 5Ks blacked out before sunrise. I wasn't looking at the long term, just at the temporary short term benefits.
"My Dad died from liver failure from alcohol in 1998, I remember as a child begging him to stop, that he was going to die and was destroying our family. I'm in total disbelief that it is now ME that is destroying myself."
And your children are now you when you were growing up.
Please, talk to your doctor and tell them you want to quit, tell your family that you want to overcome this. Who cares if people know? If you don't seek out help, your children will not have the opportunity to experience their childhood, will have to go thru the same nightmare that you went thru as a child, and they won't get to know you. Break the cycle; don't become like your father, and show your children that you can overcome this and that they have the same willpower in themselves to conquer the challenges that they will face in their own lives.
"it is a wonderful feeling to not care about anything and to not be worrying constantly."
That's a common trick alcohol plays on all of us at one time or another. I started out with just beer as well, then like you, I wanted more. You have the power to break this cycle. If you don't want to go to the doctors or AA to get help for whatever reason, OK.
Look into your kids eyes when they come home from school, and think about all the trouble you went thru seeing your father succumb to alcohol. I know you want what's best for your boys.
You can beat this disease. We're all here for you Daisy.
I'm glad you're here. I can relate a bit with you on what your going through. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and pretty much stole my dad's childhood away from him. I have been a heavy binge drinker for the last 5 years. I would drink about 2 or 3 bottles of liquor a week. I have drank once during the last 31 days, and I never thought I would be free from booze. Although, I still wanna grab a bottle once in a while, I've managed to resist. I was in the military and found out that drinking before we worked out allowed me to run pain free from shin splits. I ran multiple 5Ks blacked out before sunrise. I wasn't looking at the long term, just at the temporary short term benefits.
"My Dad died from liver failure from alcohol in 1998, I remember as a child begging him to stop, that he was going to die and was destroying our family. I'm in total disbelief that it is now ME that is destroying myself."
And your children are now you when you were growing up.
Please, talk to your doctor and tell them you want to quit, tell your family that you want to overcome this. Who cares if people know? If you don't seek out help, your children will not have the opportunity to experience their childhood, will have to go thru the same nightmare that you went thru as a child, and they won't get to know you. Break the cycle; don't become like your father, and show your children that you can overcome this and that they have the same willpower in themselves to conquer the challenges that they will face in their own lives.
"it is a wonderful feeling to not care about anything and to not be worrying constantly."
That's a common trick alcohol plays on all of us at one time or another. I started out with just beer as well, then like you, I wanted more. You have the power to break this cycle. If you don't want to go to the doctors or AA to get help for whatever reason, OK.
Look into your kids eyes when they come home from school, and think about all the trouble you went thru seeing your father succumb to alcohol. I know you want what's best for your boys.
You can beat this disease. We're all here for you Daisy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Welcome!
I think everyone on this forum has been in big trouble. I sure have.
I understand about the family thing. My mother was a raging alcoholic when I was a teenager....I HATED what she did to our family and what a monster she became when she drank. And then I developed the same issues, and became the same monster when I drank. I am lucky though to have my mother's sober love and support now though.
You can change your life for the better. Many have!
I think everyone on this forum has been in big trouble. I sure have.
I understand about the family thing. My mother was a raging alcoholic when I was a teenager....I HATED what she did to our family and what a monster she became when she drank. And then I developed the same issues, and became the same monster when I drank. I am lucky though to have my mother's sober love and support now though.
You can change your life for the better
. Many have!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
Originally Posted by hypochondriac 
It is common for alcoholism to run in families Daisy. When I told an old family friend I was an alcoholic he told me it was in my genes. It isn't something you have done to yourself and isn't something you need to be ashamed of. You just need the right treatment. Have you considered anything like going to an AA meeting or seeing a doctor about your depression issues?
Welcome to SR x
Welcome to SR x
The genetic link does not mean one is destined to become an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 16
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much all your words have meant to me today. You all have really made me cry today, but they are good tears. You have given me hope and understanding that is priceless. Somehow you knew the exact words that I needed to hear. I hope when I get myself together I'll be able to return the favor to you or others.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent was so painful. I watched my Dad drink himself into a stupor every day. I couldn't have friends over to play. He couldn't 'actively' love me or be a parent because of the alcohol. I do know he loved me, but the pull of the alcohol was just too strong. I lived in his hospital room with him as he was dying (I was all he had by that time). He called me "Mom" when I was taking care of him, and it was ME that made the decision to let him die after they rejected him for a liver transplant. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for not fighting harder for him. I could have fought harder, he wanted to fight, but I let him go-- just like that. What was I thinking? I was selfish & I held grudges from the past after seeing him drink for so many years, and I was enrolled in a Master's degree program to get my FNP at the time, they said that he'd need nursing care for the rest of his life--- I feel like I let him die for my own benefit. I was selfish, I let him die instead of transferring him to another hospital for a second liver transplant evaluation. It still hurts, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I do see myself isolating myself from my family over the last 5 months so I can sneak away to hide and drink, that isn't being a good parent. It is very important to me that I don't have my own children go through what I went through growing up. There was nothing warm or fuzzy or nice about my childhood. My Mom didn't care, she crushed my self esteem at every opportunity. My Dad wasn't "present" due to him being drunk. The fights were horrible. It is very painful memories, that I don't want to repeat with my own boys.
You mentioned AA or going to a doctor. Honestly, I have a really hard time asking for help, it seems like most of the time no one cares about anyone anymore. Seeking or asking for help is very difficult for me, but I do agree that if I got my depression problems under better control that I wouldn't need the 'beer brain numb' as much. Very true, sound advice that I need to follow.
I'm not planning to buy anymore alcohol, I know I have to let it go, so after what I have is gone, that'll be it. I'll come here and check in and let you know how it's going.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
DaisyRose
Growing up with an alcoholic parent was so painful. I watched my Dad drink himself into a stupor every day. I couldn't have friends over to play. He couldn't 'actively' love me or be a parent because of the alcohol. I do know he loved me, but the pull of the alcohol was just too strong. I lived in his hospital room with him as he was dying (I was all he had by that time). He called me "Mom" when I was taking care of him, and it was ME that made the decision to let him die after they rejected him for a liver transplant. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for not fighting harder for him. I could have fought harder, he wanted to fight, but I let him go-- just like that. What was I thinking? I was selfish & I held grudges from the past after seeing him drink for so many years, and I was enrolled in a Master's degree program to get my FNP at the time, they said that he'd need nursing care for the rest of his life--- I feel like I let him die for my own benefit. I was selfish, I let him die instead of transferring him to another hospital for a second liver transplant evaluation. It still hurts, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I do see myself isolating myself from my family over the last 5 months so I can sneak away to hide and drink, that isn't being a good parent. It is very important to me that I don't have my own children go through what I went through growing up. There was nothing warm or fuzzy or nice about my childhood. My Mom didn't care, she crushed my self esteem at every opportunity. My Dad wasn't "present" due to him being drunk. The fights were horrible. It is very painful memories, that I don't want to repeat with my own boys.
You mentioned AA or going to a doctor. Honestly, I have a really hard time asking for help, it seems like most of the time no one cares about anyone anymore. Seeking or asking for help is very difficult for me, but I do agree that if I got my depression problems under better control that I wouldn't need the 'beer brain numb' as much. Very true, sound advice that I need to follow.
I'm not planning to buy anymore alcohol, I know I have to let it go, so after what I have is gone, that'll be it. I'll come here and check in and let you know how it's going.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
DaisyRose
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Daisy,
I am a mom too and stopped drinking two months ago. I was drinking a lot longer than you and I stopped because I wanted to be fully present with my kiddos. If you are feeling like you started drinking to get that numb feeling I would definitely talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.
Glad you found SR it is a great website and you will find lots of support!!!
I am a mom too and stopped drinking two months ago. I was drinking a lot longer than you and I stopped because I wanted to be fully present with my kiddos. If you are feeling like you started drinking to get that numb feeling I would definitely talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.
Glad you found SR it is a great website and you will find lots of support!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 16
I just finished my last beer. The alcohol is all gone now. I hope to never buy any more. Scared right now, not sure what will happen. I know that I need to let it go now, but afraid that I won't. I need to be "done".
Thanks,
Daisy
Thanks,
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
At the end of my journey a case of 36 cans of bud would barelly last a day so I can relate.
Hope you make that choice DaisyRose. Life is so worth living when sober!!
This won't be a walk in the park as you already know. But you have to want to stop more then drink.
"I hope to never buy any more." Take time to think about this statement
Blessing!
Hope you make that choice DaisyRose. Life is so worth living when sober!!
This won't be a walk in the park as you already know. But you have to want to stop more then drink.
"I hope to never buy any more." Take time to think about this statement
Blessing!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by DaisyRose
I just finished my last beer. The alcohol is all gone now. I hope to never buy any more. Scared right now, not sure what will happen. I know that I need to let it go now, but afraid that I won't. I need to be "done".
Thanks,
Daisy
Thanks,
Daisy
I hope you don't get offended by this, but I kind of thought "I hope to never buy anymore." means you don't really intend to not buy anymore.
Hugs,
June
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 410
Welcome Daisy, stick around, read, post. You'll be surprised how many people are in your exact same situation at this very moment. As you said there, drinking helps you not worry about certain things, but now you are adding to those with worrying about the drinking. Join us in the Class of December thread if you like, it does help to just be able to talk about it openly. And don't be afraid to talk about it honestly with your doctor, they are the last person in the world to ever judge you about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
[QUOTE=DaisyRose;3703489 I know that I'm in big trouble. I have less than 1 case of beer left, would like it to be my last, but on the other hand-- the brain numb it gives me is heaven. I have been worrying that the beer will be detectable on my breath when I'm at work the next day after drinking too much, soooo ashamed. I'm also ashamed to go in stores buying 2 cases of beer at a time, it makes me feel like a loser-- like they will know my secret.[/QUOTE]
Sounds like the beer is giving you more worries!
Sounds like the beer is giving you more worries!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Proud of you for coming here to talk it out, Daisy. I loved the way it made me feel, too - until it completely took over my life and I didn't make a move without it. Never dreamed that could happen to me - I only meant for it to be fun and relaxing. Over the years, I became completely dependent on it.
I'm glad you are looking at what it's doing to your life. It's hard to let go of something we consider a comfort. You're doing the right thing by being here and opening up.
I'm glad you are looking at what it's doing to your life. It's hard to let go of something we consider a comfort. You're doing the right thing by being here and opening up.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Daisy, both my parents were alcoholics. They functioned quite well, but there was chaos in the house. It was like living in a war zone. I set my goal to be 'not like my mother'. The problem was, I worked so hard to be not like her, I lost sight of myself completely. And, in my mid-forties I started to drink to self-medicate and became an alcoholic within weeks, I think. It took me three years and much heartache to stop drinking.
Know for sure that you can do this. You can learn healthy ways to feel good and comfortable with yourself, without drinking.
Know for sure that you can do this. You can learn healthy ways to feel good and comfortable with yourself, without drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Oh man I also recall the way alcohol made me
feel at one time in my life. In fact I thought I
was so good at holding my liquor and could
drink anyone under the table. It was my friend
thru thick and thin. Until I began noticing things
happening to me. And then in the year 1990
beginning in Feb. when I ran off the road at 2AM
less than a mile from my little family hitting a
concrete culvert sitting on top the ground. That
stunt landed me in the hospital for 10 days. A
ride in the EMS truck that I dont even remember.
It didnt take long for me to heal pretty nicely without
alcohol, but come August, the monster inside me
was screaming to come out and off to the club I
went to return home in the wee hours to another
arguement and down a hand full of pain pills to
end my pain and a disappointing failure once again.
Family pulled an intervention on me when my
kids couldnt wake me the next morning. Authorities
came to escort me to the back seat of their patrol
car and off to the hospital I went for evalution.
August 11th 1990 was my first full day without
alcohol and my sobriety date 22yrs ago. The beginning
of a new life in recovery clearing away the damage
and destruction of the past and those I hurt due to
my addiction to alcohol.
Today, some many one days at a time sober to get
me where I am today, healthy, happy, honest, that
monster that was living inside me is sleeping silently
but growing with each new day I breath.
All it would take is one sip of poison/alcohol to
wake the demon inside me and out will emerge
one furocious animal ready to do some major
damage including destroying me.
Life is too valueable to me today and a special
gift in recovery to throw it all away. To sum it all
up would be that it wasnt the number of alcohol
drinks i drank, but rather what all happened because
of it and all those I hurt.
feel at one time in my life. In fact I thought I
was so good at holding my liquor and could
drink anyone under the table. It was my friend
thru thick and thin. Until I began noticing things
happening to me. And then in the year 1990
beginning in Feb. when I ran off the road at 2AM
less than a mile from my little family hitting a
concrete culvert sitting on top the ground. That
stunt landed me in the hospital for 10 days. A
ride in the EMS truck that I dont even remember.
It didnt take long for me to heal pretty nicely without
alcohol, but come August, the monster inside me
was screaming to come out and off to the club I
went to return home in the wee hours to another
arguement and down a hand full of pain pills to
end my pain and a disappointing failure once again.
Family pulled an intervention on me when my
kids couldnt wake me the next morning. Authorities
came to escort me to the back seat of their patrol
car and off to the hospital I went for evalution.
August 11th 1990 was my first full day without
alcohol and my sobriety date 22yrs ago. The beginning
of a new life in recovery clearing away the damage
and destruction of the past and those I hurt due to
my addiction to alcohol.
Today, some many one days at a time sober to get
me where I am today, healthy, happy, honest, that
monster that was living inside me is sleeping silently
but growing with each new day I breath.
All it would take is one sip of poison/alcohol to
wake the demon inside me and out will emerge
one furocious animal ready to do some major
damage including destroying me.
Life is too valueable to me today and a special
gift in recovery to throw it all away. To sum it all
up would be that it wasnt the number of alcohol
drinks i drank, but rather what all happened because
of it and all those I hurt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 16
Thanks for all the support, you're all really great. Your words really help.
I drank the last 8 beers before 11am today, I get into the most trouble when I have a day off work. I was drunk when I posted earlier, you were right to call me on saying "I hope to never buy anymore". I do realize that it takes "I won't ever drink again" to succeed, and I need to get 100% on board with that motto.
I've been trying to keep really busy to distract myself tonight. Decorated for Christmas, made beds, doing laundry, etc. It is amazing how productive I've been since I'm not sloshed tonight!
I'm VERY nervous and on edge now like I'm shaking on the inside. It is getting difficult now. This is how I feel while at work many times, I can't wait to leave and get home to drink.
How many days until the nervous shakes/anxiety passes? I need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for me... and how long the tunnel is. :-)
Thanks,
Daisy
I drank the last 8 beers before 11am today, I get into the most trouble when I have a day off work. I was drunk when I posted earlier, you were right to call me on saying "I hope to never buy anymore". I do realize that it takes "I won't ever drink again" to succeed, and I need to get 100% on board with that motto.
I've been trying to keep really busy to distract myself tonight. Decorated for Christmas, made beds, doing laundry, etc. It is amazing how productive I've been since I'm not sloshed tonight!
I'm VERY nervous and on edge now like I'm shaking on the inside. It is getting difficult now. This is how I feel while at work many times, I can't wait to leave and get home to drink.
How many days until the nervous shakes/anxiety passes? I need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for me... and how long the tunnel is. :-)
Thanks,
Daisy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Anna
Daisy, both my parents were alcoholics. They functioned quite well, but there was chaos in the house. It was like living in a war zone. I set my goal to be 'not like my mother'. The problem was, I worked so hard to be not like her, I lost sight of myself completely. And, in my mid-forties I started to drink to self-medicate and became an alcoholic within weeks, I think. It took me three years and much heartache to stop drinking.
Know for sure that you can do this. You can learn healthy ways to feel good and comfortable with yourself, without drinking.
Know for sure that you can do this. You can learn healthy ways to feel good and comfortable with yourself, without drinking.
Thanks again. :-)
Daisy
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