rainiee

Hi... I am joining this group hoping that if I speak to others in similar situations (I sure hope no one else is dealing with what I am) I can draw some strength, advise, support...really what ever I can get.

My husband & I have only been married 10 months & together for almost 2 years. I knew when I met him he was an alcoholic (he lived in MA, I lived in WA) & had been his entire adult life. He spent his days at work & then would come home & sit on the computer drinking until he passed out. This was an every day thing. He lived with his brother who was also an alcoholic. As we got to know each other he told me that he had tried to get help in the past (I don't know in what form), it had ruined every relationship he's ever had & he was so happy I was not a big drinker.

I told him that when he moved here he wouldn't be able to drink all day every day & sit on the computer. Only because to me that sounds miserable & that is not my idea of enjoying life or being together. He was completely okay with this & said nothing would make him happier.

When he moved here there was an instant personality change. Quiet, moody, lack of energy, the works. He was still drinking but no where near as much as before. About two weeks after he moved here he got very drunk, started picking a fight with me & when I didn't bite- he left....and didn't come back for a week. I tried calling/texting, tried email, he wouldn't respond. After a week he finally responded & I asked him to please come home & he did. I was so full of joy.

However, that was just the beginning.
It averages that he does this routine about once a month! Takes off & is gone any where between 1-7 days & never contacts me. Each time he comes home I beg him to never do that to me. If he's in a drunken rage & feels like it's too much to stay then go for a walk or...whatever but come home! He always tells me when he comes back how sorry he is to have caused me pain, how badly he missed me & loves me.

After about 6-8 months he got to the point where he would take off but would email me to say "I'm ok" so at least I didn't have to start calling jails/hospitals & it gave me only the slightest of ease at least knowing he was ok. (we live in the city & when he takes off he just hangs out with the homeless, acting homeless & drinks himself sick the whole time).

He also suffers from depression. I was finally able to get him to see someone & they put him on Prozac. While it didn't really seem to do much for him it DID stop the disappearing husband routine. Well... then he decided he wasn't taking it & back to square one.

Three weeks ago he took off (I always beg him to please stay). I realized about a half hour later he had taken my bank card. So I looked online...the account had been cleaned out! *Side note, I am currently unemployed & he is working.* I called the bank & reported the card as stolen. The problem is, it was part of our rent money he took. After 3 days he came back. It was his pay day so he gave me what he had & we paid all but $200 of our rent & the manager said we could pay the rest on Oct 12th when he got paid again. EXCEPT...yes- he disappeared on Oct 11th again.

Now here is a huge issue. This time, he's not on the streets. He's at a friends in our building who is not only a raging drunk but a druggie (my husband is not doing drugs). He's allowing my husband to stay there, taking him out partying every night, fall down drunk the whole time, not eating or sleeping. I got a call from his work Saturday 2 hours after work time asking where he was. Great...
So I told them I hadn't seen him for 2 days & if he showed up to please let me know & to please have him call me. 4.5 hours after he was to start I got a text from his co-worker saying he was there (at this point I didn't know he was upstairs).

Since it was now Saturday & our back rent was due Friday I contacted the "friend" (boy was I wrong!) to see if I could collect the money he owed me for work done. That's how I found out my husband was staying there.

I went up to talk to the "friend" & he had just woke up beyond hung over, was already drinking & smoking pot & for what ever reason was angry. It was probably one of the worst experiences I've ever had. He was mean, told me everything my husband had said including things that were WAY out of line. Told me he had taken him to the casino the night before, he was fall down drunk & had to "pull him off the woman he'd been talking to all night". I told him I didn't need to hear that & it was out of line. His response was "Do you want me to lie, I'm no liar!". Um no, but have some class... I know for a fact my husband will not cheat on me (no, seriously) & I told this creep that he wouldn't & he already knew that would be a deal breaker & end our marriage. He started screaming at me "Oh yeah, gonna give ultimatums when he's not right in the head huh!" I explained that no, it was a core value we shared & I believe in him. He told me if he hadn't already, he would & I was stupid. *Side note: This "friend" has a history of cheating, being cheated on & hanging around cheaters so for him it is normal.* WOW... did I seriously just have to defend my husband cheating with a drunk semi stranger??? He also iformed me my husband wasn't coming home & never wanted to see me again but he was "suggesting he talk to me", yeah right.

Needless to say I left his apartment & was horrified. I have tried very hard not to let his words haunt me as I doubt most of what he says but still, when you don't get to talk to your husband & are emotional it's hard to not think about.

My husband does not have a cell phone nor can he be reached at work. He hasn't been online at all either. Yesterday morning I sent him a pretty long email talking about some of the more useful things I was told about how he was misunderstanding me & yet didn't feel he could talk to me. Gave him an example of a situation & what I was thinking in my head vs what he thought I meant (and owned up to the fact I understood why he got the wrong message), told him I loved him & why, asked him to please come home & I would listen to what he had to say with an open heart & all that fun stuff. The email did not point out any of his flaws, that wasn't the point. We both know he's done plenty but I wanted the email to be me telling him what I thought/felt.

I see he read it last night maybe around 10:30PM but it's now 5"30PM the next day & still not a peep.

I am devastated. I know that all I can do is hope he comes home but I have this fear that in this "friends" grasp it wont happen (this guy is moving at the end of month to a free apartment & has offered my husband a free room & a car) & I am powerless.

I am very much in love with my husband. Sure, we have some minor communication issues but anything we are going through is normal & can be easily fixed. This guy is giving my husband an easy out & because he's an alcoholic he's powerless to say no to the grandeur being thrown at him. I feel like all I can do is believe in how much I know he loves me, hope he HEARS what I say in the email & pray he crashes & burns & comes home before he gets sucked in to a direction that will destroy us, destroy him & he'll always regret.

So hurt & confused...

Rosiepetal

Wow, so sorry you are going through this.
You did the right thing joining us because there's lots of support for you.
I don't think there is minor issues in your marriage though sorry & here is a great place to start reading & being supported.
Others will offer you good advice.
Welcome.
Hang in there, big hugs to you.

BlueSkiesAgain

Really sorry you are going through this.

I'm pretty new to this so I'll leave it to others to give advice. The one thing I want to say as adults we all make our own decisions. The decisions your husband makes are his. In situations like this we all would like someone to point the finger at because we don't have to take responsibility or believe the one that we love would do these things to us but addicts hurt the ones they love. The things your husband does are because he chooses to do them it is not the neighbors fault. You said yourself he would leave and live with the homeless. It just so happens that this time someone has offered him a nice place to land.

Hugs

SparkleKitty

Hi Rainiee. You have come to the right place. There are a lot of people here who are going through or have been through situations similar to your own. Welcome.

I highly recommend reading through as much of this forum as you can stand! You are in crisis mode right now and i know how hard it can be to maintain perspective. I encourage you to take a deep breath and dive in to the stories and experience here. It could be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

rainiee

Thank you for your response!
I mean minor issues as far as anything he's vented to the creep about. Simple misunderstandings that he's blown out of proportion to have an excuse for what he is doing. Does that make sense?

I am not the root of all evil, truly! I create things for us to do that don't revolve around drinking so that it's not a daily event. It seems to me that these episodes are because he doesn't get to drink daily like his addition wants him to so then he drinks & it goes too far. The usual catalyst for the taking off is when he's very drunk & gets kinds of verbally mean & announces he's getting more beer & I try to suggest maybe not.

I know he doesn't want to be this way but I guess as best as I can describe it is he hasn't crashed & burned hard enough to want to change? Or maybe he's crashed & burned, lost it all so many times it's all he knows?

I really can't say, I have no experience with this.

I know that I love him & don't want to give up on him like every one else but this is very much affecting my mental health. This is day 6 & I cry all the time in pain & confusion, having a very hard time sleeping or eating & just feel so much pain he isn't coming home.

No, I'm not letting my life fall apart & am taking care of things that need to be done as I am in survival mode but the amount of stress & pressure I am under is overwhelming & I just want him to come home.

I do know each time he comes home he is shocked & relieved I am here for him & don't give up on him. Everyone else in his life has always bailed.

It's almost like he's trying to push me too far so I will leave as that's all he knows is abandonment.

I don't know. Maybe I'm spot on, maybe I'm way off. I'm just very emotional right now & way out of my comfort zone of knowledge.

Katiekate

Hi Rainee, welcome , so glad you found us.

Your situation is not unique, there are so many of us here that can relate.

The first thing I want to say that, walking out on you and not contacting you is not only something I have experienced, it is also blatant disrespect and abuse. I'm sorry if you find that harsh, I only know how damagaing and soul wounding the silent treatment and withdrawal of love is. It hurts like Hell, and it is out and out nasty business.

Your husband is, I believe in deeper than you may think. Allowing him to continue this behavior with no consequences only puts you in a position of the most wonderful enabler. Rainee, I too was the most wonderful enabler.

Your husband is an alcoholic, he has a very very serious disease, the only person who can help him is him. There is nothing you can do to effectively get him to change, and I am sorry to say, if you continue on this trajectory, your life will only become more and more dark. Again Rainee, my life was very much on that same trajectory for several years, I am just beginning to get my life back, I did that by removing my alcoholic from my life.

Please get educated about Alcoholism. There are some stickies at the top of the friends and family page, it's a great start.

Al anon, and or counseling may be something you may consider.

I can hear in your post the pain you are in, it is kind of clear that your husband has no interest in working on his issues, I'm so sorry.

It hurt me deeply as I read and re read you post, I felt and saw so many of the things that I experienced in my relationship with my ex.

Please keep posting and visiting often. This is not your fault, it is the disease, a disease that has no concern for anything but itself.

I am sure , many more will be along to offer you hope, and support.

We care about you. love and hugs Katie

SparkleKitty

Of course you are upset and of course you don't want to be just the next person in a long line of people who have abandoned him. But ultimately, isn't he responsible for the choices he makes that affect his relationships with those around him? You didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. He has a progressive disease and it will get worse unless he chooses to do something about it. The more he can continue to feed his addiction at no cost to the way his life works, he will.

But as I said, keep reading, especially the Stickies at the top of the forum. And keep taking big breaths! This is a LOT to take in! No sudden moves!

Katiekate

I mean minor issues as far as anything he's vented to the creep about. Simple misunderstandings that he's blown out of proportion to have an excuse for what he is doing. Does that make sense?

oh yes, this sounds too familiar, it's the addictive brain, manipulatiing, denying, blaming, etc etc etc

This disease is very cunning, everything is always twisted and manipulated to allow the alcoholic to justify his or her behavior.

Insidious, soul wounding, agonizing stuff.

It's war.

dollydo

Welcome, sorry that you are having to go through this.

Honestly,I would say thay he is using drugs as well as drinking. His disappearance acts and cleaning out the accounts is a regular behavior of an addict. Many times alcohol and coke go hand in hand. Pay attention to his actions, forget his words, they mean nothing, addicts lie, then they lie some more.

I would suggest that you read the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends forums and cynical one's blogs, there is a wealth of information at your fingertips.

You cannot save him, you cannot help him, he is an adult, it is all up to him. If he doesn't get into a strong recovery program, it will get worse, this is a progressive disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and sober or not.

NWGRITS

Oh goodness, sweetheart. You've gotten great responses already, so I'll keep this short. I know you see it as abandoning him, but really, those people probably realized there was nothing they could do, and chose to protect themselves instead of continue on with the insanity. They took the healthy road out in this situation. Addiction is progressive. It WILL get worse until HE hits his bottom and gets help. Nobody else can force that on him or convince him to change. Heed the advice here. There's decades of experience on these boards. We're here to help you.

floralies

Mine was always the same. He pushed and pushed and pushed, kept telling me I was the only person other than his brother and mother that hadn't completely abandoned him. I was sure he was trying to get me to abandon him.

Until I put up my boundaries but didn't desert him completely, he didn't like them, and it took him about 5 days to hit his bottom (or one hopes that's what it was).

I have no idea how to help in your situation as I'm new to this too, but that just rang so true to me.

wicked

Hello Rainee,
You have been through the wringer with this man in the past two years, and especially the recent past. I am in recovery and a depressive (I should say in my opinion), he won't stop what he's doing until he wants to stop. Alcoholism is progressive. Prozac will not work with alcohol, I did that too.
My ex terrified me with his disappearance. Was he dead? In the hospital? Each time, I started to care a little less. Until the day came when I realized I was numb. I was sober, but felt detached from him. I was denial numb. He came back, actually crying about how he needs help, and both of us know it will happen again soon.
Please do not allow this to become your life. Get help, moral support from a group of AlAnon and come here whenever you need to.
You are powerless over him, but you are not alone.
You have to live your life, not save his.
Did you ever think you would be defending him to a drunk semi-stranger?
I never thought I would not care about my ex living or dying, or any human being.

Until and unless he takes responsibility for his illness, it will only go downhill from here.
This is a great place to get support, read as much as you can.

I am glad you are here Rainee, welcome to our group family and friends.

Beth

backtolifeforme

I'm sorry you are in crisis. Unfortunately for some alcoholics, the disappearing act is common. What this constant not knowing & worrying is setting you up for is "trauma bonding". I was there & experienced some the same things you've stated. Felt the same things you were feeling. I didn't realize it was the early stages of trauma bonding until it was too late & my mental (and physical) health took a big hit. Please read more posts here & keep posting too. It will help, you are definitely not alone. We all care & understand.

rainiee

Wow, such great responses, thank you so much!!

Ugh, I was at the gas station behind my building yesterday to buy a soda & my friend was working. She could tell I was upset & so I talked to her (she knows all of us). She was mad about the "friend" doing this to our marriage & not surprised.
She said my husband was in the night before buying beer & looked like his normal self. Asked what he was up to & he said just heading home... So she had no idea.
She asked me if I wanted her to say anything to my husband if she saw him again. I said just that his wife loves & misses him.

Went over tonight & she came out to talk to me. She said he was in last night after me buy beer (surprise) & that she had told him he should go home & talk to me, I love & miss him. He smiled & said okay. Of course he didn't.
She said about an hour later the "friend" came over just to tell her not to talk to me, I was controlling & my husband lives with him now. WHAT???
This guy is a puppeteer & my husband is playing the puppet.

I was all set after that conversation to go fight for my husband. I knew the "friend" was at work so why not try instead of letting the "friend" kill my marriage. For whatever reason... that guy isn't at work like he should be & so no fighting for my husband.

I called his Mom when I got home. She didn't know about any of it & I told her everything. She had thought he had gotten a grip on the drinking when he moved out here & she is pissed at what he is doing. I wish his family & friends weren't 3000 miles away so they could help me.
She reminded me that my husband has always been weak, always drank & always follows the party as is easily influenced.

I told her I was thinking of changing the locks (apartment is in my name only & have lived here 12 years). She told me to do it, even suggested I pack his stuff regardless of whether I want him to go or not as it will show a firm "enough is enough" stance.
I don't think I will pack his stuff but I am having the locks changed tomorrow. I don't want to be a prisoner in my home & I don't want him or the other guy in here if I'm not home taking things.

Trauma bonding...interesting & I can totally see that. I'm so glad I looked for this forum. Maybe it will help me gain some clarity so I don't feel so frantic.

I haven't read other posts yet so I will do that now.

Thank you again for all that have responded.

rainiee

Well I heard from him...
Sent me an email on facebook to let me know he was going to keep staying at the guys house, is moving with him at the end of the month & wants a divorce.

Who does that?!?!?! Disappear for 6 days & then EMAILS good bye?

I feel pretty speechless that anyone would do that. Wow. Okay, well I don't know what to feel right now. I am in love with my husband & have no idea why he would be doing this. But he is so...

The locks are being changed I believe tomorrow & I will pack up his stuff.

This is all so sad.

Amber23

Wow. hugs to you. It is so sad and confusing. hang in there and try to focus on living the life you want....

Rosiepetal

So sorry Rainiee, it must be very confusing & sad right now.
Read what you can & we are here for you.

dollydo

This is one confusing adventure. I am sure more will be revealed as time goes by.

In any case, you need to take care of you, he is showing you who he really is...I'd believe him.

Florence

In hindsight, whenever I felt like I was totally confused and nothing was making sense, it was because I was operating with incomplete information because my AH was hiding things from me, quacking at me, and fiercely protecting his addiction.

I.e. I was totally confused because nothing he said made sense.

It took a long time to step away from the words he said to me or others and start really looking at his actions. Did he say what he was going to do? What were his patterns of behavior around drinking, around stress, around the things that were important to me? When I did the truth was painfully clear.

mihgab

Sorry, R. The best thing that your husband could do was to leave you...it is so hard to get rid of an alcoholic! Hang in there, this is going to pass and you will find someone who really deserves you! There are so many men out there!It is a new day for you and for that matter a much better day: You don`t have to deal with an alcoholic anymore!
Good Luck to you!