JustaBloke

I'm having a weak moment and need be talked down... I desperately want to send my AGF, who I have had no contact with in 9 weeks this message... but part of me doesn't think I should. I'm not sure it will give me closure and I want your thoughts...

"I’m so confused how you can throw a friendship away like that… People that I get that close to I don’t give up on so easily like you do. It’s so foreign to me.

Anyhow, there was no closure for me, which has been extremely painful. So I would just like to say I hope you and your daughter the best, you will always be special to me. Sincerely I do and I will focus my thoughts on the good times we shared.

Take Care. "

Thanks in advance...

DefofLov

You want closure.

Is this really closure or will it open up a can of worms? Will you feel peaceful after you send it or will you wonder whether or not she'll reply? Will you worry about the possible reply?

Closure is tricky. Sometimes I say I'm sending something for closure, yet my deepest desire is that the person will magically see the error of his ways and come running back to me all perfect and ready to love me. That is what I used to do. It blew up in my pretty little face every time. I got hurt everytime. I had to learn the hard way everytime.

Just wanted to share my ESH.

Love and Light,

Lily

Learn2Live

Seems you're human, you have feelings. And when you want your feelings validated, you share them with the person for whom you have the feelings. Problem is, you are not going to get any validation from her. You cannot have a normal exchange with her. You have to get the validation from within, or from others who understand what you are going through. From listening to other people's shares at Al-Anon meetings, and reading other people's stories here on SR, and seeing and understanding that it is not just you, it is ALL of us. We ALL feel just like you. Yes, these people are severely messed up and they DUMP people for something else. They are desperately chasing a feeling that is only temporary when they do catch it. They cannot maintain normal lives, they cannot take care of themselves or their children, they cannot relate to ANYONE in a healthy, open, honest, caring manner. No matter how long or hard they try.

There is no such thing as closure, JustaBloke. You don't need to contact her. You need to stay away from her.

m1k3

I have written several letters and notes to my STXAW, poured my heart out in them and then threw them away. Whatever I wrote in there she would only use against me.

However writing the letters and getting my feelings out on paper really helped with my issues and let me move on in a healthy way.

Your friend,

Learn2Live

Yup. And they're not just blaming you to win a fight or argument. They truly BELIEVE the things they blame us for are our fault.

AlcoholicLove

In the words of The Beatles.."Let It Be"

Don't sent the letter.
You won't get "closure" from her, or any other alcoholic-you'll just get more pain.
Your closure is the 9 weeks of NC.

ZiggyB

Don't do it.

I still think of contacting axbf all the time, but what good would it do? Most likely you'll get no response or an angry, bitchy one and then you'll go back to feeling worse about yourself. If they cared about us they would have shown us that while we in a relationship with them! Emailing now is not gonna set things right...

JustaBloke

Thanks, this was so helpful…

I like to think my motivation is closure but I think is more what Defoflov said that I just want to remind her I’m out here and that what she did was wrong…

L2L – you’re right…It’s so hard to accept that I’m never gonna get closure and I’m just grasping at something right now. She is just chasing a feeling…. I need to get validation from within… ugh…

It drives me nuts that she believes in things I did to her that just don’t exist, and that never happened… so frustrating. I just want to reason with someone that is not reasonable….


ZiggyB- its hard to accept that she just doesn’t care.. but your right.

Thanks again - Having your support is priceless…I should buy you all a beer…err…wait…

DefofLov

Once you are totally okay with you...everything will fall into place. You are not that far removed from her. Give it time.

My ex is the ultimate quacker. I miss the happy times but I don't miss the reality of him. The reality is that he is an addict who thinks not using=recovery. He is great at manipulating and using me all the while cuddling and kissing me. Not good enough. I left without even arguing and trying to make him see my way because he can't. He lives in the land of chaos and self destruction. I left him there and I hope he finds his way out.

Love and Light,

Lily

JustaBloke

Did you struggle with accepting that he will never see it your way, not even a little? I'm having such trouble accepting that part, because I know I'm not the bad person she makes me out to be in her mind...

shawty80

i struggle with this, too. i have such a hard time reconciling my sweet xabf with the one who flipped out on me and started spewing a bunch of lies and throwing all the blame my way.

i sometimes resort to repeating the ol' stuart smalley affirmation, "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" to remind myself that everything he said and the horrible picture of me that he painted is simply NOT true.

ZiggyB

Yesterday someone posted this article... it goes a long way in explaining why the addict will become hostile and attack us (especially last paragraph). My ex said some pretty horrible things about me/to me as well but I don't believe he is in his right mind...

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

JustaBloke

[QUOTE=ZiggyB;3524878]Yesterday someone posted this article... it goes a long way in explaining why the addict will become hostile and attack us (especially last paragraph). My ex said some pretty horrible things about me/to me as well but I don't believe he is in his right mind... [Quote/]

Reading that makes me want to contact her. lol. but with a different message pitying her and wanting to console her regret and depression, and pain...

Yikes!!! I'm such a codie...Time to go read the co-dependent quotes! lol

Truly though this has helped me recognize that she is soooo jacked up in the head... I deserve someone with a little sanity right?

Shadydeal

Oh how I feel your pain! I can only speak from my experience with my relationship with my XABF....I didn't understand either and still don't understand! I hurt, mad and sad! I have tried to get closure and was told by his brother I never would and haven't to this day after a 4.5 year close screwed up relationship, Each time I opened the box it worked out awhile problems got bigger and bigger. Pain deeper and deeper! Let laying idiots sleep! Excuse me for being ugly. I am still hurt and mad but ....no closure or understanding for me! I know for me that I can not try....I need to leave it alone and likely you do too.

ZiggyB

Ha - I know how you feel... I still want to contact my axbf but I'm sure he is out at a bar getting lit and not thinking about me at all. Yes, they have a sad disease, but it isn't like pointing it out to them will make any difference. Keep focusing on yourself and YES you definitely deserve something with more sanity, as do I.

DefofLov

"What someone thinks of me is none of my business." -Catspajamas

It was just so pointless. If I argued with him we would have just gone in circles. I have no patience for that. I am more concerned about me and way less concerned about him and what he thinks. I'm over it. When you argue with a fool...no one can tell the difference.

I was so drained at this point too. Tired of being the caretaker in the relationship.

Learn2Live

I've been in a lot of "committed" relationships over the years, about 9 of them to tell the truth. And I've never gotten closure from anyone. The one time I did go back and try to get closure (years later), all it did was bring some pretty bad stuff into my life.

Closure is actually you deciding this is no longer working for you and you turn around and walk away. Closure is moving forward in your life. Closure is doing your best to make something happen for yourself. Closure is when you get busy living again and no longer feel the pain.

Moving on is difficult. It's even more difficult when we keep dragging a sick person back into our lives.

DefofLov

Couldn't have said it better myself L2L.

JustaBloke

Yes, well put. this is what closure is.. I think I sometimes confuse it with trying to convince her...one last time.

lillamy

Oh, I SO wanted him to see things from my perspective.
I wanted him to apologize and crawl in the dirt and tell me he had been wrong and thank me for opening his eyes even though it was in such a drastic way so that he realized he needed treatment and needed to get sober.

You know what happened?
He got treatment and got sober after I left him.
And then he told me that maybe I should think of why he had to drink himself into oblivion every night for the 20 years we were married.
And that if I ever met another man, I'd drive him to alcoholism as well.

So yeah, I got closure. In the way of realizing that his brain and stinking thinking was never going to take responsibility for boozing his family away. Not the closure I wanted, but closure nevertheless.

That said -- I had answered your initial question before I opened your post. No, you shouldn't send anything, ever, to an actively drinking ex that you've gone NC with. It'll just hurt you more.