CactusJill

Well, it appears that I have a lot to think about. I really need to get this off my chest to people who understand, so thanks for reading.

My boyfriend has a drinking problem. And he, apparently, feels that drinking is perfectly fine because he is A) clean from hard drugs (for six years) and B) can hold down a job, etc. He is what some call a "functional" alcoholic of the binge drinking variety. His typical pattern is to drink after work 3-4 nights a week, getting really hammered 2 of those nights.

I should note that I am only recently sober. I have been in and out of sobriety since 2004, but I feel really sincere about it now. I really think it is going to stick this time. But suddenly seeing him be completely drunk is just flat irritating and annoying.

Lately it has gotten worse. He started a new job next door to a bar. (Facepalm.) Now he just goes next door after work and pounds as many drinks as he can before an hour is up, then he calls me to come get him. He can't drive because of multiple DUIs in the past - his license is suspended indefinitely. He seems to think that because he is not there all night that it is ok because he is "just having a few at the bar."

After he drinks at the bar, he gets a six pack and then proceeds to get really hammered at home at least 2 nights a week. Last night he got so drunk that he planned to steal my truck just for the joy of driving drunk. Yes, I am aware that this quite possibly makes him the stupidest, most inconsiderate person alive. Sigh. He is just that clever when he is drunk.

On nights when he drinks, he sits out back on the patio and plays games on his phone. He doesn't pay attention to me.

Last night I got upset with him because in the past 4 nights, he has gotten falling-down hammered three of them. I made the mistake of telling him, while he was drunk, that I was worried about how much he was drinking. This led to all kinds of anger and defensiveness. I was trying to be "controlling" and take away his only "outlet." He then proceeded to tell me that although he loves me and my kids, coming home to us is a "burden" and he has to be able to come to the bar and unwind first.

The truth is, I think that is all crap. I think he doesn't know why he drinks. Before he said he was trying to meet people and make friends, because he moved to my city to be with me. Now it is to de-stress before he comes home. Next time he will have some other bs excuse.

Like everyone else, I can say that when he is sober he is the greatest guy in the world. And it would be true. He is smart, articulate, caring, funny, the whole 9 yards. In other words, the exact opposite of when he is drinking.

I am going to be honest and say that I don't know what I want to do... yet. But I don't have a good feeling about it.

I just feel so dumb for letting anyone do this to me. The worst part is, we had dated in high school for three years and I dumped him then because he had started taking hard drugs. I should have known that he would never change.

Thanks for listening.

suki44883

An addict is an addict and a drug is a drug. He just changed his DOC. He hasn't changed at all. As long as you put up with his disrespect and drunken ways and go pick him up when he drinks at the bar, nothing is going to change. Why should it? He has it pretty darned good.

Living with him is teaching your children how to treat people. If they see you putting up with it, they'll think it's okay to treat others that way and if you have daughters, they'll learn that accepting that kind of disrespect is normal.

I hope you'll stand up for yourself and get you and your kids out of that dreadful situation. You deserve better and your children certainly do.

ZiggyB

I wish I knew what to say. I think you need to end this relationship ASAP... I don't think it will get any better from here on out.

CactusJill

Thanks for responding. Yes, I am pretty sure I am going to leave, it is just a question of when.

What I want to know is why do they always have to go to the bar? I really don't get the attraction.

LifeRecovery

CactusJill-

I don't think you are dumb by any means. I stayed in a relationship a long time with similar behaviors with a loved one.

I do have to ask you this; what are you getting out of this relationship? There is always two sides to the same coin, but from your description does not demonstrate a lot of sober time when that loving, kind person is available to you and to be in relationship with you.

My second question is how is your sobriety impacted by this? I don't live with active alcohol addiction, but I can't imagine that this is easy for your state of mind.

Thanks for posting, and I will say this. My relationship with a problem drinker helped me learn and grow a lot. It took some time, but I made the changes when I was ready and not a moment before.

suki44883

They like the atmosphere, other drinkers, music, laughter, drowning their sorrows with others doing the same things. They can drink without someone being there not liking it or ruining their buzz.

ZiggyB

I could never figure that question out myself. I felt like I couldn't pry my AXBF out of the bar with a crowbar. He claimed that he liked to go there and be sociable with people. Fine, but there are other ways to be sociable without spending all your money on booze, ruining your health and generally driving your GF crazy. Know what I mean? They like to go and socialize with other drinkers, you know the ones who are also alcoholics and won't judge them for having 6 martinis.

CactusJill

I am not getting much out of it, I guess I can say that. When he is sober, I get a lot of affection and the financial help is definitely appreciated. However, when he is drinking I get an overgrown child who only thinks about himself and the next beer.

Ironically, seeing him act as he does reinforces my resolve. I never, ever want to act like that again. I never want to be hung over, or have to think about when I can drink next. I want no part of it.

In terms of the bar - all of your responses make sense. Yeah, the drinking at the bar mostly started when I quit drinking. And he keeps saying that he can "feel the weight of my disapproval." So that must be it - he can hang out with others like him.

shawty80

i got told this all the time when my xabf and i first started dating. i guess i should have listened to him when he told me that my coming over was disruptive to his routine. could've saved me two years and a lot of heartache. he *loved* me again...until i got in his way again. i'm sorry he said such a hateful thing to you. seems to me like he's the burden.

according to my xabf, there is no way to be social without alcohol. he talked down to me because i don't drink and shot down every sober activity that i suggested. funny thing is...i do LOTS of sociable things without alcohol ALL THE TIME. he, however, rarely does anything without a drink and only values the opinions of his drinking buddies. what a sad way to enjoy this wonderful world.

Katiekate

Hi Jill, congrats on your sobriety, well done.

All I have to say really is this 1) Please don't ever put your own sobriety at risk.

2) We are here and we care, please keep us posted. You're smart You will figure this out.

love to you Katie

Alucard

OMG. There is, to a drunk, nothing better than the bar. The opposite sex is there, music, atmosphere, action, alcohol and the potential to get drugs.

I have no problems with a bar. In fact, last weekend, my dearest friends met me at one so I could explain to them what happened in my "marriage" and I could apologize to them for wasting their time. But it is not f'n central to my life.

I have other things going on. The Dojo, starting Monday. The gym is much, much more central to my life than any bar, it pleases me to know I can run circles around and outlift any number of drunks, male or female (LMAO)...school is thankfully starting in less than 3 weeks, and I will be engrossed in learning material and preparing papers, and I will spend more time in a library than any bar. My bike, and the open road is more important to me than a bar. I like to try new restaurants, and go to the movies once in a while as well. Next week I am going to two critical and long awaited concerts with said dearest friends, more important than the bar.

All in all, had I decided to stay with the drunk @$$, there is no way I could have indulged in these activities, we'd have been too busy driving to the seedy liquor store, and sitting around watching it guzzle beer. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz

CactusJill

Weird - I always hated bars. I knew I acted like a fool when I was drunk so I preferred to do it in private.

I agree. Booorrring.

SettingSunset

Cactusjill - I grew up with an alcoholic father. I turned out o.k. and so did my sister but we ABSOLUTELY have residual affect. My brother suffered horribly and life never was 'worth living' but he is, and sober, but in a nursing home at 55 years old. Now, I have a 41 year old son who is in rehab (via jail on a DUI 3). He is married, with two wonderful children. He has always financially supported the family. His wife is malevolent and I know I am going to get backlash for that ....but my mom was not a mean person, was not an enabler and my mom was not a trigger for my dad. My son's wife is not a nice person and it didn't come from my son's alcoholism. Anyhow... I don't know how old your children are but I would (now living a life of alcoholism in my family) would pull myself up by the boostraps and figure out how you are going to make a living and care for your children without your husband (or significant other?). We get to go through this life once and that is it. Don't make mistakes you regret. You are sober and hearing what people are telling you. He is not, he is not hearing anything. I am learning how to be emtionally supportive for my son because I love him and if my real son would just come out from behind this alcohol... oh, how plesant retirement would be for me. I am just trying to move forward and not enable (which I have done). I love my son so much I can not stand it. He is a wonderful person. I just can not believe he is the way he is now. He certainly is functioning...but DUI 3 took away his freedom to function as he wished. Oh...and I understand jail has drugs and alcohol. Intersting for me to learn. Do your children a favor and be the best mom ever and let them enjoy you and you enjoy them. Just my opinion. Take it for what it is worth. My AA friend said to let my son figure it out...it will make him feel better about himself. I just recinded a big check. I was stressing over the funds (I really didn't have) and he thinks we do or he just doesn't care. He has been sober (unless he had something in jail or rehab) since 3/26. I am hoping he has been...I jsut don't know. My Alanon friend has had it with her husband (AA) and isn't a happy camper. He never sobered and lived life as a family member. He lives life the same...but sober.

CactusJill

I am really sorry about your son, Sunset. My BF went to jail twice for DUIs. (Not recently.) Unfortunately, I am not at all sure my BF will ever learn his lesson.

I am very worried about my children - they are a huge driving force behind my worry. Fortunately, I do not need his money. It helps us have extras that we would not otherwise have, but that is all.

ZiggyB

Alucard, I so know what you mean. I am starting up again in earnest with my meditation practice, which the AXBF belittled me for (since his main stress relief activity was smoking and slugging down a couple of martinis) Somehow he could never "get" that I had other interests and activities that did not involve getting drunk with his friends or going to the bar. He thought I was boring. *Shrugs* I think getting drunk is boring...

it feels so good to be done with all that B.S.

rdlesstraveled

because they are surrounded by individuals like themselves. There is no one there to make them feel guilty. It is really sad, ya know......

BlueSkies1

When we start a relationship based on alcohol, we find if we sober up that the glue that holds the relationship together is gone.
I am not alcoholic, but was certainly drinking with exah throughout our romantic dating period and during the first years of the marriage.

A sober life reveals much. A sober person thinks things through, intelligently. A drunk does not, or sporadically at best.
You're seeing that now. He's escaping because you "refuse to party".
Now you see what the glue was that held you together, and it's gone. It's sad to find that what we think is love has a bad foundation. That's just the way it is, and we have to accept it before we can move forward. We have to grieve, and we have to have a financial plan--which I can see weighs on your mind--life could be penny-pinching again.
Don't keep him for the paycheck though--the cost to your emotional well being will be far too expensive.

Alucard

Alcoholic drunks arent interested in anything except getting drunk, pursuing alcohol and sitting with other drunks to consume it.

There is soooo much more going on in my life. Right now, I am kind of in a "stand by" mode as I and my attorney deal with the legalities of securing an uncontested divorce, but as I stated, this fall (19 days and counting) I have 12 credit hours of classes. I have no idea how the hell I was supposed to concentrate on my classes and study/do homework, married to a chronic drunk. (I'm not supposed to mention "stages" as I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV)....

When I first got together with her (a battered woman, who was with an abusive coward for 12 years on and off) I thought the Kenpo Karate classes would be something we could do together. WRONG. She didnt even once bother to go watch my kid practice and check out the dojo. Oh, I forgot, her lowlife junkie@$$ pals and relatives dont practice this art, and there is only bottled water there, not Budweiser.....This didnt interest her in the least, though she had gotten the hell knocked out of her, front teeth knocked out, broken jaw, wired shut 2 months, and had her face carved up with a wire....and other men had also beaten the hell out of her. (Control issues, she chose violent abusive, controlling men to be with for whatever reasons...I am not that, so I also am "boring")...she had been in streetfights with women who beat her badly. Her idea of fighting was wildly and drunkenly swinging pathetic looking zero form punches and yelling.

My workouts. She has spent the last 12 years neglecting her body. At 41, she has the body of a 51 year old. She despises exercise, and is malnourished and consuming 12 cans of beer, daily, in addition to vodka and drugs. I thought we could do the gym together. Forget that.

I need someone I am actually compatible with. Not a GD drunk.

BlueSkies1

My exah never went to the bar. He very rarely was drunk in social company, he preferred to do that at home with nobody else around.
I drank at social gatherings and some people thought I drank far more than him.
Go figure!