Starting again - let's bloody do this!
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Starting again - let's bloody do this!
I'll bullet point this thread, to stop me rambling on as usual.
- I left university (toxic environment with toxic people), worked for a while in a shop, concentrated on sobriety, secured another top university placement for this September. I was sober for almost 3 months during this time. And happy, if a little bored.
- I let the ball drop and drank alone (after saying goodbye to my friends and insisting i was still sober) to "celebrate" going away on a 3 month backpacking trip to Asia. My AV kicked in and told me to "prepare for the party in Bangkok". I got drunk the night before my flight to Thailand.
- Been in Asia for 7 weeks, done Thailand and Laos so far, moving onto Vietnam tomorrow. Looked over my budget and realised that more than half - yep, that's right, more than HALF of the money i've spent so far has been on booze and drugs. Pharmaceuticals, street drugs and alcohol have cost me £1150 in the past 7 weeks.
- I have saved for my whole life for a trip like this. My grandparents and my lovely, caring, supportive mother have given me money to help me have the time of my life in Asia. They think i've been trekking the forests and seeing temples, which I have, but it makes me SICK to think i've been deceiving them and spending their money on Asian street heroin, and it makes me SICK to think i've been more excited about going back to the hostel to snort smack off a dirty dorm-room sideboard than seeing the wonders of Asia.
- Excuse the emotive language but f*ck this! I hate living like this. Waking up, justifying a few pills, a valium here, a xanax there. By the end of the day i'm nodding out on 3 different benzos, codeine, dhc, 6 bottles of beer and a bag of street heroin. Next day: Where has yesterday gone? I struggle to remember... oh yeah.. I saw the National Silk Museum, that's right. But man, I feel rough. Oh well, i'll just pop a couple xanax to take the edge off the hangover and then stop today. Rinse and f-ing repeat. Day in and out for the past 7 weeks.
These bullet points are getting quite long now so i'll wrap up.
New country tomorrow: bustling Vietnam. I fly out at 5pm. I've used drugs today but I just flushed them all. All the pills, all the drugs. Flushed. I did a similar thing yesterday but got harassed into buying more heroin on the street and since i'd let my guard down (drinking) and it was so cheap, I accepted.
But tomorrow i'm flying out of this town. I have no drugs and I want to enjoy Asia. But I want to enjoy it CLEAN!
I hate my knowledge of pharmaceuticals... i hate knowing how pharmacies out here will sell you anything if you have cash... i hate knowing the heroin is almost 100% pure.
But I want to try again. New country, new start. I want to see Halong Bay, I want to marvel at Hanoi's old town. I want to try to cross the road in Ho Chi Minh City.
Most importantly: I want to do it sober. I will do it sober.
One more thing: I will be seeking professional help once I am home. The heroin is one step too far for me. Enough is enough now. It's make or break time. No more counselors who bitterly strike me off their list because I "reverse engineer" their help, no more doctors who tell me to "just cut down". I'm going to find someone to help me. And i'm going to stop this sh*t. I'm sick of swallowing 30 pills a day and not recognising the face I see in the mirror.
- I left university (toxic environment with toxic people), worked for a while in a shop, concentrated on sobriety, secured another top university placement for this September. I was sober for almost 3 months during this time. And happy, if a little bored.
- I let the ball drop and drank alone (after saying goodbye to my friends and insisting i was still sober) to "celebrate" going away on a 3 month backpacking trip to Asia. My AV kicked in and told me to "prepare for the party in Bangkok". I got drunk the night before my flight to Thailand.
- Been in Asia for 7 weeks, done Thailand and Laos so far, moving onto Vietnam tomorrow. Looked over my budget and realised that more than half - yep, that's right, more than HALF of the money i've spent so far has been on booze and drugs. Pharmaceuticals, street drugs and alcohol have cost me £1150 in the past 7 weeks.
- I have saved for my whole life for a trip like this. My grandparents and my lovely, caring, supportive mother have given me money to help me have the time of my life in Asia. They think i've been trekking the forests and seeing temples, which I have, but it makes me SICK to think i've been deceiving them and spending their money on Asian street heroin, and it makes me SICK to think i've been more excited about going back to the hostel to snort smack off a dirty dorm-room sideboard than seeing the wonders of Asia.
- Excuse the emotive language but f*ck this! I hate living like this. Waking up, justifying a few pills, a valium here, a xanax there. By the end of the day i'm nodding out on 3 different benzos, codeine, dhc, 6 bottles of beer and a bag of street heroin. Next day: Where has yesterday gone? I struggle to remember... oh yeah.. I saw the National Silk Museum, that's right. But man, I feel rough. Oh well, i'll just pop a couple xanax to take the edge off the hangover and then stop today. Rinse and f-ing repeat. Day in and out for the past 7 weeks.
These bullet points are getting quite long now so i'll wrap up.
New country tomorrow: bustling Vietnam. I fly out at 5pm. I've used drugs today but I just flushed them all. All the pills, all the drugs. Flushed. I did a similar thing yesterday but got harassed into buying more heroin on the street and since i'd let my guard down (drinking) and it was so cheap, I accepted.
But tomorrow i'm flying out of this town. I have no drugs and I want to enjoy Asia. But I want to enjoy it CLEAN!
I hate my knowledge of pharmaceuticals... i hate knowing how pharmacies out here will sell you anything if you have cash... i hate knowing the heroin is almost 100% pure.
But I want to try again. New country, new start. I want to see Halong Bay, I want to marvel at Hanoi's old town. I want to try to cross the road in Ho Chi Minh City.
Most importantly: I want to do it sober. I will do it sober.
One more thing: I will be seeking professional help once I am home. The heroin is one step too far for me. Enough is enough now. It's make or break time. No more counselors who bitterly strike me off their list because I "reverse engineer" their help, no more doctors who tell me to "just cut down". I'm going to find someone to help me. And i'm going to stop this sh*t. I'm sick of swallowing 30 pills a day and not recognising the face I see in the mirror.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK!
I was amazed to learn this in very early sobriety, although I have a choice to drink/drug or not. That said, you do have choices: AA meetings are worldwide and I'm sure there's one near you. Walk in and say you want to stop drinking and I guarantee people will try to help you.
I was amazed to learn this in very early sobriety, although I have a choice to drink/drug or not. That said, you do have choices: AA meetings are worldwide and I'm sure there's one near you. Walk in and say you want to stop drinking and I guarantee people will try to help you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Peterborough Ontario Canada
Posts: 17
So impressed by your new determination to be sober. This is a new start for you! and glad you see the value to your health and sanity that being clean will be.
Hang in there, Jake.
Hugs, Lit
Hang in there, Jake.
Hugs, Lit
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by LitBit 
So impressed by your new determination to be sober. This is a new start for you! and glad you see the value to your health and sanity that being clean will be.
Hang in there, Jake.
Hugs, Lit
Hang in there, Jake.
Hugs, Lit
The problem is, i've always seen the value of my health and sanity, and the need to be sober. But something has always blocked my way. I am a semi-believer in fate, and I don't believe i'm fated to be a drunk junkie. So i'm trying damned hard to get myself back on the wagon. I've done it for 9 weeks before falling off, then I did it for 10 weeks before falling off, then 3 months straight, before falling off. Let's hope this time is the last time I have to run, catch up and jump onto the wagon. Otherwise, I might not make it to 19. I can't put my Mum through having to fly my body back from Asia after a heroin overdose like so many other backpacker's parents. I won't let my family down like that, after all the hard work i've put in. They would see me as weak, cowardly, and a shameful black-sheep, but it also would break their hearts. I won't risk letting that happen. I don't want to risk being sent home in a body bag.
Thanks for your kind words of support
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Jake if you need to come home, just come home.
Don't put yourself in any danger.
Come away from the chemists that will sell you everything.
Come away from the street heroin.
You have the rest of your life to do this trip if needs be.
Don't get even deeper into something you have no way out of.
Thailand and Asia will always be here. You might not.
Sending you love xxxx
Don't put yourself in any danger.
Come away from the chemists that will sell you everything.
Come away from the street heroin.
You have the rest of your life to do this trip if needs be.
Don't get even deeper into something you have no way out of.
Thailand and Asia will always be here. You might not.
Sending you love xxxx
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Sasha said it all. I thought the same thing. You don't have to be there-come home and save yourself now! You're mentally ready, remove yourself from the temptations and misery. Save the rest of the trip for another time. You're vulnerable right now, and it's not a good idea to be on your own in this situation in my opinion. You don't want to OD in a foreign country (or anywhere for that matter).
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
I can't come home, I have nowhere to live until university starts.
I couldn't impose on my mum and her new boyfriend again, and certainly not for this reason.
Coming home isn't an option, and even if it were I don't think i'd take it. It has cost a lot of money to get out here and it's amazing. I should be fine. I'm just going to make a busy schedule and stick to it. I know that if I were to fly home i'd regret it, and i'd be back at the bottle in no time.
I couldn't impose on my mum and her new boyfriend again, and certainly not for this reason.
Coming home isn't an option, and even if it were I don't think i'd take it. It has cost a lot of money to get out here and it's amazing. I should be fine. I'm just going to make a busy schedule and stick to it. I know that if I were to fly home i'd regret it, and i'd be back at the bottle in no time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
You can come home............or go to Norway instead!!!
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Sasha4
You can come home............or go to Norway instead!!!
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
I've met some amazing people here, all my senses have been ignited. I didn't choose to come here for drugs, it's a circumstantial thing.
Going anywhere else on my budget would have meant a rubbish holiday spent penny pinching. I needed headspace and a decent amount of time away from home to learn independence.
I let the ball drop but i've got my eyes on the prize again now. Haven't consumed any substances today, didn't even consider it. Going to explore Hanoi tomorrow and then maybe do a trip to Halong Bay the day after.
Hope everyone else is doing well
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Sasha4
You can come home............or go to Norway instead!!!
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
Your just making excuses.
Deep down, was there a reason you chose Thailand?
If you can trust yourself stay but be wary.
It's fine having an in depth knowledge of pharmaceuticals and being freely available to buy.
But once your back home and you might have a small reliance on a POM (prescription only medicine - I have far too much knowledge for my own good) there will be no way of getting your hands on it.
No GP in the land will Rx it (prescribe it) for you. Then what happens?
And what happens if you get caught?
A trip to the Bangkok Hilton is not going to make your mum proud is it?
Be careful and be honest with yourself please, for me.
xxxx
I can access these drugs at home quite easily... the internet has opened up the world too much. If I were to become physically addicted to a drug, I would have no problem getting it at home. However, I seem to be addicted to intoxication rather than a specific substance. I like variation, not routine. As it happens, getting physically addicted to one substance is the least of my worries, because I tend to mix everything up. I'm most likely to be one of those people who is found with traces of 40 substances in their blood. The fact that my drug of choice is "anything" is the reason it's been so difficult for me to break the habit - there's a lot to choose from, and there are hundreds of things that act as my triggers.
I'm a bit like an alcoholic on steroids. My triggers extend to: visits to the doctors, seeing a medicine cabinet, seeing a green "+", logging onto the internet, reading medical journals. Can't sleep? Ooh, i'll get pill for that. Can't concentrate? Ooh, i'll get a pill for that. Can't stay awake? Ooh, i'll get a pill for that.
Still, I talk too much, and talking too much leads to making excuses for ones behaviour. I'm sober at the moment at that's what counts, although I cannot envision it staying that way for long.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
you are in a very interesting place physically and mentally.
perhaps you are just where you need to be to achieve spiritual awakening. i'm sure it is going to be rough... but this is an opportunity. an opportunity to connect, wake up and stay clean. few people get this chance. do not let it go to waste. such opportunity wasted, becomes a curse.
you are in a place of deep, spiritual culture and your head seems to be in the right place. do not let the beast win. tame the beast, make it an important and significant part of this amazing journey that you are on. you just have to connect the dots.
perhaps you are just where you need to be to achieve spiritual awakening. i'm sure it is going to be rough... but this is an opportunity. an opportunity to connect, wake up and stay clean. few people get this chance. do not let it go to waste. such opportunity wasted, becomes a curse.
you are in a place of deep, spiritual culture and your head seems to be in the right place. do not let the beast win. tame the beast, make it an important and significant part of this amazing journey that you are on. you just have to connect the dots.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
You are only 18 and know you have a problem.I wish I had such insight and wisdom 20 years ago.
It just seems in your posts that you do not believe yourself to be addicted and use different drugs to avoid addiction. I would be concerned that continued use WILL lead to addiction where you have no choice in the matter.By alternating drugs to avoid addiction surely is a very dangerous game to play,especially as you know you have a problem.
Maybe you need to realize how dangerous they are before you are ready to quit
Enjoy the rest of your trip
It just seems in your posts that you do not believe yourself to be addicted and use different drugs to avoid addiction. I would be concerned that continued use WILL lead to addiction where you have no choice in the matter.By alternating drugs to avoid addiction surely is a very dangerous game to play,especially as you know you have a problem.
Maybe you need to realize how dangerous they are before you are ready to quit
Enjoy the rest of your trip
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
It's the "circle" that will destroy you... needing to get high everyday or else feeling like rubbish. Once I truly figured this was a never ending cycle I was able to quit. I could never get drunk enough to satisfy myself and if I wasn't drinking I felt completely empty. Now everything is just a lot more even... as it should be. It took me 15 years of drinking to realize that chasing the high is much like chasing one's own tail. I consider myself lucky that's all it took. Find a way to break this circle and you'll be a much happier man. Take care and god bless!
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by justhadenough
You are only 18 and know you have a problem.I wish I had such insight and wisdom 20 years ago.
It just seems in your posts that you do not believe yourself to be addicted and use different drugs to avoid addiction. I would be concerned that continued use WILL lead to addiction where you have no choice in the matter.By alternating drugs to avoid addiction surely is a very dangerous game to play,especially as you know you have a problem.
Maybe you need to realize how dangerous they are before you are ready to quit
Enjoy the rest of your trip
It just seems in your posts that you do not believe yourself to be addicted and use different drugs to avoid addiction. I would be concerned that continued use WILL lead to addiction where you have no choice in the matter.By alternating drugs to avoid addiction surely is a very dangerous game to play,especially as you know you have a problem.
Maybe you need to realize how dangerous they are before you are ready to quit
Enjoy the rest of your trip
My addiction is to an altered state of mind - not to a substance.
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by serious
you are in a very interesting place physically and mentally.
perhaps you are just where you need to be to achieve spiritual awakening. i'm sure it is going to be rough... but this is an opportunity. an opportunity to connect, wake up and stay clean. few people get this chance. do not let it go to waste. such opportunity wasted, becomes a curse.
you are in a place of deep, spiritual culture and your head seems to be in the right place. do not let the beast win. tame the beast, make it an important and significant part of this amazing journey that you are on. you just have to connect the dots.
perhaps you are just where you need to be to achieve spiritual awakening. i'm sure it is going to be rough... but this is an opportunity. an opportunity to connect, wake up and stay clean. few people get this chance. do not let it go to waste. such opportunity wasted, becomes a curse.
you are in a place of deep, spiritual culture and your head seems to be in the right place. do not let the beast win. tame the beast, make it an important and significant part of this amazing journey that you are on. you just have to connect the dots.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by MightyMung
Sorry, I didn't intend to say I was saying I was alternating drugs to avoid addiction - I am very much psychologically addicted to drugs/alcohol in general. I am just saying that i'm not physically addicted to any substance in particular, which is a Godsend.
My addiction is to an altered state of mind - not to a substance.
My addiction is to an altered state of mind - not to a substance.
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