Why do I keep getting sucked in?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Why do I keep getting sucked in?
I honestly didn't think I could feel any worse... thought I had already hit rock bottom. I was wrong.
I'm not dealing very well with this break up. I keep thinking it's some kind of bad dream, some alternate reality and eventually everything will go back to *normal*.
So the last time I posted I told you all about the girl he had at his house. He invited me over the next night to discuss what had happened and to tell me nothing had happened and they were just friends. I knew he was lying but wanted to believe his lies anyway. The day after he called me and said that he wanted to be with me. He told me that he missed me and we had history together. (How idiotic was I to think that was some kind of compliment?) He may has well have said I was a blanket he wasn't ready to replace.
So he came to see me at his work, he told me he wanted me back. He told me we would go to counselling and have our life together back.
He asked me to go to his house that afternoon and he held me in his arms. Everything felt so right. He told me that he had missed me, that he wanted me to make love to him. We did, and it was amazing, he kept saying "tell me that you love me". I felt so whole again. After 4 days of not eating and throwing up stomach acid, I finally had an appetite back.
I went to my parent's house -it's where I've been living since the break up - and he texted my mum saying that he knew what she had said about him and that he wouldn't talk to her again until she apologised. She wrote back saying that she had seen me in more pain than she thought possible and that she liked him but he had hurt me.
Shortly after, he sent me a message saying he couldn't do this. I rushed straight to his house and he told me he couldn't be with me because my family and friends thought he was the bad guy. He asked for his space and I'm ashamed to say I couldn't respect his decision. I felt so broken. I asked him why he couldn't have come to this realisation before he slept with me. I asked him what was today? He said he was sorry he slept with me.
Yesterday, he told me that he had already made up his mind to not be with me, and he wished he had have just stuck to that. That sentence really broke me. I felt so used and betrayed and that sickness came back. I feel like I haven't stopped crying since this all happened and he just keeps manipulating me, treating me like a yo-yo. I really feel like I mean nothing to him.
I keep telling myself that this is ridiculous; why cry over someone who doesn't want you. Why waste your energy on someone who uses you up and spits you out, and takes no accountability for why things went wrong.
I'm in so much pain. It hurts every moment of every day and I don't know how to heal. I have to get out of this pit of misery.
I decided yesterday after I spoke to him that I was never going to contact him again. I'm still waiting on finding about the finance for the car but I don't need to contact him for that, I'll wait until it's sorted then he'll call me. If it's not sorted this week, I'll have to sell the car and take a loss.
It's not ideal, but it will be my sanity saver. I can't talk to him anymore. He just keeps reeling me back in and then throwing me back when he doesn't want to deal with the real stuff.
Why can't I seem to stick to this?
Advice on NC would be very appreciated. What do you do when you want to contact them? So far, I am messaging everyone I know instead of him or posting on here. But I can't stop thinking about him. Doesn't help that I'm sick right now either.
I'm not dealing very well with this break up. I keep thinking it's some kind of bad dream, some alternate reality and eventually everything will go back to *normal*.
So the last time I posted I told you all about the girl he had at his house. He invited me over the next night to discuss what had happened and to tell me nothing had happened and they were just friends. I knew he was lying but wanted to believe his lies anyway. The day after he called me and said that he wanted to be with me. He told me that he missed me and we had history together. (How idiotic was I to think that was some kind of compliment?) He may has well have said I was a blanket he wasn't ready to replace.
So he came to see me at his work, he told me he wanted me back. He told me we would go to counselling and have our life together back.
He asked me to go to his house that afternoon and he held me in his arms. Everything felt so right. He told me that he had missed me, that he wanted me to make love to him. We did, and it was amazing, he kept saying "tell me that you love me". I felt so whole again. After 4 days of not eating and throwing up stomach acid, I finally had an appetite back.
I went to my parent's house -it's where I've been living since the break up - and he texted my mum saying that he knew what she had said about him and that he wouldn't talk to her again until she apologised. She wrote back saying that she had seen me in more pain than she thought possible and that she liked him but he had hurt me.
Shortly after, he sent me a message saying he couldn't do this. I rushed straight to his house and he told me he couldn't be with me because my family and friends thought he was the bad guy. He asked for his space and I'm ashamed to say I couldn't respect his decision. I felt so broken. I asked him why he couldn't have come to this realisation before he slept with me. I asked him what was today? He said he was sorry he slept with me.
Yesterday, he told me that he had already made up his mind to not be with me, and he wished he had have just stuck to that. That sentence really broke me. I felt so used and betrayed and that sickness came back. I feel like I haven't stopped crying since this all happened and he just keeps manipulating me, treating me like a yo-yo. I really feel like I mean nothing to him.
I keep telling myself that this is ridiculous; why cry over someone who doesn't want you. Why waste your energy on someone who uses you up and spits you out, and takes no accountability for why things went wrong.
I'm in so much pain. It hurts every moment of every day and I don't know how to heal. I have to get out of this pit of misery.
I decided yesterday after I spoke to him that I was never going to contact him again. I'm still waiting on finding about the finance for the car but I don't need to contact him for that, I'll wait until it's sorted then he'll call me. If it's not sorted this week, I'll have to sell the car and take a loss.
It's not ideal, but it will be my sanity saver. I can't talk to him anymore. He just keeps reeling me back in and then throwing me back when he doesn't want to deal with the real stuff.
Why can't I seem to stick to this?
Advice on NC would be very appreciated. What do you do when you want to contact them? So far, I am messaging everyone I know instead of him or posting on here. But I can't stop thinking about him. Doesn't help that I'm sick right now either.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Deep breath. It's okay Jad.
I don't think there are many of us who have not gone back when we knew we would just get kicked right in the teeth again. I did it, I allowed it, I can't tell you how many times before I arrived here at this forum that I swore I would never go back, weeks would go by, and then I did and got kicked in the teeth again. And again a couple of times I broke contact after arriving here and same thing, another opportunity for him to slice me open.
He is an alcoholic Jad, this is who he is, he will not change, he does not deserve to be in the same room with you. Breaking ups are hard enough as it is, breaking up with an alcoholic just adds layers of grief. You need to be kind to yourself, you need to realize, like I did, that this takes time, that it's okay to feel bad, it's okay to make mistakes. I eventually just mentally forced myself to stop, you will to.
Are you doing any counseling or al anon????
Plese dont' beat yourself up, it's hard, but it's time to maybe think about what it is that you want for you life, for real.
keep posting, we care so much about you. love Katie xo :ghug3
I don't think there are many of us who have not gone back when we knew we would just get kicked right in the teeth again. I did it, I allowed it, I can't tell you how many times before I arrived here at this forum that I swore I would never go back, weeks would go by, and then I did and got kicked in the teeth again. And again a couple of times I broke contact after arriving here and same thing, another opportunity for him to slice me open.
He is an alcoholic Jad, this is who he is, he will not change, he does not deserve to be in the same room with you. Breaking ups are hard enough as it is, breaking up with an alcoholic just adds layers of grief. You need to be kind to yourself, you need to realize, like I did, that this takes time, that it's okay to feel bad, it's okay to make mistakes. I eventually just mentally forced myself to stop, you will to.
Are you doing any counseling or al anon????
Plese dont' beat yourself up, it's hard, but it's time to maybe think about what it is that you want for you life, for real.
keep posting, we care so much about you. love Katie xo :ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Thanks Katie, I sometimes feel like I should stop posting. I feel like how many times can I post the same senseless pity party and expect people to write back. I don't know if I expect people to write back, it just helps to get it out. My friends have told me they won't speak to me anymore if I go back to him and so I can't tell them about what happens when I do. They just get angry - even my best friend does. I know they're just concerned.
He keeps telling me that I caged him and I am starting to believe him. What do I mean starting? I have believed him this whole time. I feel like somehow this is all my fault, like if I weren't so demanding and messed up emotionally, he would just come back and everything would be wonderful. He said that I stopped living. I kept thinking maybe he's right? Maybe if I had just let him go and have fun and do what he wanted then we never would have got here.
But is that fair? That I should take all responsibility for the person he chose to be? Just like I make choices everyday, wasn't his going out, being inconsiderate, being horrible... wasn't that a choice also? So then, if he chose to be those things, and he chose to reel me back in and spit me back out, doesn't that make him a bad person?
Somehow he makes sense? Why does he make sense??
He keeps telling me that I caged him and I am starting to believe him. What do I mean starting? I have believed him this whole time. I feel like somehow this is all my fault, like if I weren't so demanding and messed up emotionally, he would just come back and everything would be wonderful. He said that I stopped living. I kept thinking maybe he's right? Maybe if I had just let him go and have fun and do what he wanted then we never would have got here.
But is that fair? That I should take all responsibility for the person he chose to be? Just like I make choices everyday, wasn't his going out, being inconsiderate, being horrible... wasn't that a choice also? So then, if he chose to be those things, and he chose to reel me back in and spit me back out, doesn't that make him a bad person?
Somehow he makes sense? Why does he make sense??
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Jad3d, girl, would you happen to be 29?? Cause this is exactly what I went through at age 29; my life as a human yo-yo. Kept getting sucked back into it, unable to bear the pain, with the only thing that could ease the pain and allow me to eat again my Drug of Choice (DOC), the addict/alcoholic. Yes, we are the same as they are, chasing a feeling to our own detriment, over and over. The part where he drags you back in and has sex with you then says he changed his mind is the part where I punched him in the face. Then I got knocked down by him and got a deep scar that did not go away for years. Soon I was driving past his house all hours of the night, trying to see when he would come home and with whom. It was the sickest period of my entire life. But I slowly got well, with Al-Anon and therapy.
Now, years later, I recognize emotional hooks when I see them. Alcoholics and addicts will draw you back in and then do or say something very hurtful, to KEEP you playing their sick, sick game. And as long as you keep stepping up to bat, you will play this game. It is dangerous for you to continue. You need to start doing the work you need to do so that you can start making healthy choices. Because right now, you're not. We are just like the addict. We say, "This time I quit! This time I mean it." and we walk away confident but never stop jonesing for the next high. We feel we are going to die without it. So we cry, lament, and awfulize, never getting ourselves out of that mindset. And then we relapse and the cycle starts again.
You have the power to change your thinking. Doing this will change how you allow yourself to feel. And it will give you strength which you have never known could exist. And all you have to do is go to some meetings. Al-Anon. It works if you work it.
Time to step off that rollercoaster girl.
Now, years later, I recognize emotional hooks when I see them. Alcoholics and addicts will draw you back in and then do or say something very hurtful, to KEEP you playing their sick, sick game. And as long as you keep stepping up to bat, you will play this game. It is dangerous for you to continue. You need to start doing the work you need to do so that you can start making healthy choices. Because right now, you're not. We are just like the addict. We say, "This time I quit! This time I mean it." and we walk away confident but never stop jonesing for the next high. We feel we are going to die without it. So we cry, lament, and awfulize, never getting ourselves out of that mindset. And then we relapse and the cycle starts again.
You have the power to change your thinking. Doing this will change how you allow yourself to feel. And it will give you strength which you have never known could exist. And all you have to do is go to some meetings. Al-Anon. It works if you work it.
Time to step off that rollercoaster girl.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Honey, I think you need to put some time and space between all of these incidents. As much as you want to figure this all out, right now I don't think you can.
A lot of what he has said is just ********, you have to know that.
He doesn't make sense, you can't see it now, he is a heartless *******, everything he says is a lie and manipulation and is to intentionally hurt you. And it worked.
Please keep posting, we are here.
Please consider some therapy, alanon etc...
xoxo
A lot of what he has said is just ********, you have to know that.
He doesn't make sense, you can't see it now, he is a heartless *******, everything he says is a lie and manipulation and is to intentionally hurt you. And it worked.
Please keep posting, we are here.
Please consider some therapy, alanon etc...
xoxo
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He makes sense to you because you have given all your power over to him. I made my BF my Higher Power. Whatever he said, I went with. I didn't use my own mind to make up my mind, I relied on an addict to direct my life and tell me what I needed to do. I was lazy and scared to take control over my own life. I didn't know what to do in life. Inwas clueless and needy and emotional and dependent.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
. Soon I was driving past his house all hours of the night, trying to see when he would come home and with whom. It was the sickest period of my entire life.
I have been given a number for a therapist by my doctor and in the meantime have been prescribed some serious drugs to get to sleep at night. All the Al-Anon meetings are so far away from my house, and the ones that aren't are only on during the day - I really wish there were more meetings in the evenings when I wasn't at work. That being said, I'm going to make an effort to go to one this week.
I need to work on me. I know this. So why do I want him back? Is it because he has abandoned me? I think I'm addicted to the drama? From what I have read, I'm clearly a codependent.
All I can do is keep trying, right?
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Originally Posted by Katiekate
A lot of what he has said is just ********, you have to know that.
I couldn't believe he could laugh when I was in my darkest hour. Has he no feelings or compassion at all?
To thine own self be true.
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You're hurt and you keep getting hurt. Have you been evaluated for depression?
25! So glad you are getting the opportunity to learn this at such a young age. Seriously.
About Al-Anon, go. Whatever you have to do to get there, go. You should be going every day, you need that support. Your mother, your friends, your family, they can't help you. My family tired of me and my crying. A year and a half it took me. My sister said she got so sick of hearing the same things over and over she wanted to shake me and slap me out of it. Keep posting. If you say the same things over and over, so be it. But you have to want to learn. You are focused on him and the hurt. You need to shift the focus onto you and your strengths. You do this by going to Al-Anon and reading.
25! So glad you are getting the opportunity to learn this at such a young age. Seriously.
About Al-Anon, go. Whatever you have to do to get there, go. You should be going every day, you need that support. Your mother, your friends, your family, they can't help you. My family tired of me and my crying. A year and a half it took me. My sister said she got so sick of hearing the same things over and over she wanted to shake me and slap me out of it. Keep posting. If you say the same things over and over, so be it. But you have to want to learn. You are focused on him and the hurt. You need to shift the focus onto you and your strengths. You do this by going to Al-Anon and reading.
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There's a meeting tomorrow, I'm going to go. I'm scared of going. I'm scared that I'll sit there and cry throughout the whole meeting. There are people who are going through much worse than I'm going through and I feel like I just need to get over it. Still, if it were that simple - wouldn't I be getting there already.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 20 but couldn't handle the medication so I just came off it. I wish now I had stayed on them but I didn't like that it felt like there was a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I felt like I was being weak by having to take them.
My mum is the same - she just gets angry at me now because she can't understand why I would even put up with him at all!
I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 20 but couldn't handle the medication so I just came off it. I wish now I had stayed on them but I didn't like that it felt like there was a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I felt like I was being weak by having to take them.
My mum is the same - she just gets angry at me now because she can't understand why I would even put up with him at all!
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Sorry for your hurting, love -- we both are goings through similar loss at the same time. It's terrible thinking one minute you are with the love of your life (flawed and unwell as they were), only to be tossed away the next. I'm still learning the NC ropes myself -- its really thought at times. Today I so badly wanted to call him and ask WHY?! I wanted to call his mom(who had become a confidant) and ask what he had told her.
But I didn't. I prayed on it and told myself no matter what they said, th answer would not satisfy me, and would likely only make me feel worse or set my healing back. The urges eventually passed. I guess I'm just going to have to take it day by day. When I'm really feeling weak, I call friends and tell them honestly I'm calling them so I won't call him! They talk me down from the ledge!
But I didn't. I prayed on it and told myself no matter what they said, th answer would not satisfy me, and would likely only make me feel worse or set my healing back. The urges eventually passed. I guess I'm just going to have to take it day by day. When I'm really feeling weak, I call friends and tell them honestly I'm calling them so I won't call him! They talk me down from the ledge!
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Originally Posted by Jad3d
There's a meeting tomorrow, I'm going to go. I'm scared of going. I'm scared that I'll sit there and cry throughout the whole meeting. There are people who are going through much worse than I'm going through and I feel like I just need to get over it.
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You are going through withdrawal. And it doesn't get better unless you stop talking to him, emailing him, texting him, driving by his house in hopes of getting a glimpse of him or finding out what he is doing. Go to Al Anon. You can cry all you want. It helps by giving you the exact tools you need to get over the times you want him so bad. You will meet people you can call and they do get it. Now is not the time to try and be strong. Right now you need all the help you can get and if it means getting something for depression or to help you sleep then do it. It wont be forever. Its what you need right now. Most of us have been right where you are right now. Wanting the A so badly but knowing it is not healthy for us. In many ways we are sicker than the A because our minds are not clouded by alcohol yet we still want what we know is bad for us. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I hope this helps..
Im 2 months on from breaking up with my XAH.
Like you at one stage I was basically obsessed with her. There will come a time where you and only you can decide its not worth it.
I basically saved my partners life, did everything to give her a fresh start (3 month rehab) only to relapse 5 months later. Never a word of thanks all hard work.
Its tough but no contact is the only way. As someone told me I got myself into this I need to get myself out. Everyday I get better, the pain is still there but also the realisation I deserve more.
You deserve more , he will never change . BELIEVE
The sun will shine again. Take cAre
Im 2 months on from breaking up with my XAH.
Like you at one stage I was basically obsessed with her. There will come a time where you and only you can decide its not worth it.
I basically saved my partners life, did everything to give her a fresh start (3 month rehab) only to relapse 5 months later. Never a word of thanks all hard work.
Its tough but no contact is the only way. As someone told me I got myself into this I need to get myself out. Everyday I get better, the pain is still there but also the realisation I deserve more.
You deserve more , he will never change . BELIEVE
The sun will shine again. Take cAre
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Jad - I've been where you are right now, and all I can say is this.
Over time, the emotional and psychological abuse by the alcoholic (and I will say not *all* alcoholics are abusive) causes you to believe what they say about you. And what he is saying about you by his behavior is that his feelings comes before yours, his reputation comes before your dignity. I can't tell you how many times I have heard my AH explain that he needs to feel loved & admired - no matter the crap he doles out to me. He has actually said he doesn't care *why* he doesn't feel loved or respected - it's just what he wants.
I am explaining this because alcoholics can't be the bad guy. They need to constantly remain victims to get them off the hook of their behavior. This is a paraphrase of a local rehab counselor, who also said that once in recovery, when alcoholics or addicts become aware of all they've done they become suicidal really fast. So, yes, he will insist upon apologies once he has you back in a place where he feels comfortable again. This is him attempting to get his power & control back, and to put you back in the "FOG" (Fear Obligation Guilt).
Oh, to be 25 again. I am 31 and I would do almost anything to get back the last 6 years. Pray you don't find yourself wanting the same thing 6 years from now.
I know you are feeling hurt, discarded and alone. But the truth is, his treatment of you has absolutely *nothing to do* with your actual worth. I hope that makes sense.
Over time, the emotional and psychological abuse by the alcoholic (and I will say not *all* alcoholics are abusive) causes you to believe what they say about you. And what he is saying about you by his behavior is that his feelings comes before yours, his reputation comes before your dignity. I can't tell you how many times I have heard my AH explain that he needs to feel loved & admired - no matter the crap he doles out to me. He has actually said he doesn't care *why* he doesn't feel loved or respected - it's just what he wants.
I am explaining this because alcoholics can't be the bad guy. They need to constantly remain victims to get them off the hook of their behavior. This is a paraphrase of a local rehab counselor, who also said that once in recovery, when alcoholics or addicts become aware of all they've done they become suicidal really fast. So, yes, he will insist upon apologies once he has you back in a place where he feels comfortable again. This is him attempting to get his power & control back, and to put you back in the "FOG" (Fear Obligation Guilt).
Oh, to be 25 again. I am 31 and I would do almost anything to get back the last 6 years. Pray you don't find yourself wanting the same thing 6 years from now.
I know you are feeling hurt, discarded and alone. But the truth is, his treatment of you has absolutely *nothing to do* with your actual worth. I hope that makes sense.
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I got sucked in tonight by separated AH. We've been civil and I got sucked into conversation regarding finances which took and ugly turn and we started arguing. Now I feel like he walked out on me all over again! It sucks! I have to go NC too...but I broke down tonight and I'm so mad at myself. Reading the title of your thread made me know for certain I had to reply to this...
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Jad3d,
I am so sorry you had to deal with such callous cruelty. It is always extra complicated when sex is reintroduced into the equation. I think it's incredibly brave of you to post your experience with such honesty.
I hope you're not beating yourself up over this. You're certainly not alone in going back. I've read studies showing that it takes women on average 5-7 times to leave alcoholic/abusive/dysfunctional relationships!
What lessons have you learned from this incident? What steps can you take to prevent this situation from repeating in the future? It sounds to me like you've discovered the importance of NC. You're learning and progressing, and that's commendable!
Regarding NC, I reached out to friends and family. Whenever I considered reaching out to XABF, I would make myself call a friend. We'd have these wonderfully normal accusation-free conversations where we'd share stories and laugh and I'd get off the phone feeling happy. That always squashed the desire to reach out to XABF -- why trade a happy feeling for all the negative crap he was certain to bring into my world?
I am so sorry you had to deal with such callous cruelty. It is always extra complicated when sex is reintroduced into the equation. I think it's incredibly brave of you to post your experience with such honesty.
I hope you're not beating yourself up over this. You're certainly not alone in going back. I've read studies showing that it takes women on average 5-7 times to leave alcoholic/abusive/dysfunctional relationships!
What lessons have you learned from this incident? What steps can you take to prevent this situation from repeating in the future? It sounds to me like you've discovered the importance of NC. You're learning and progressing, and that's commendable!
Regarding NC, I reached out to friends and family. Whenever I considered reaching out to XABF, I would make myself call a friend. We'd have these wonderfully normal accusation-free conversations where we'd share stories and laugh and I'd get off the phone feeling happy. That always squashed the desire to reach out to XABF -- why trade a happy feeling for all the negative crap he was certain to bring into my world?
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