Left

Hi jad3d keep coming on here, reading and posting. What is happening doesn't make sense and will never make sense to you. The same happened to me and 6/8 months on I still don't know hwy my xaw left, I have read up on it, asked her friends, asked her family, no one knows, only I know she is an alcohlic and it's a **** secret to have but I have had to take 6 steps back and let her get in with it as she is ill. I have been the same place as you trying to get back with them, but you know what I don't want to live trying to please then, yes its crap and it will take time, you'll never understand why they've done what they've done.

I had people telling me for months focus on you not them, and it took months and months and months to do this, it'll be a long and hard journey but your young and strong and will be able to get through it. Try and eat, sleep and relax. This is really difficult to do, as you want to know what their doing, or thinking but they won't be giving a second thought. I was married for 5 years but my xaw turned over night or did I open my eyes, and I have had to realise I'll never understand and have to let them live their life, it's still difficult and some days are good some are rubbish, buti'll focus on me and leave them to their ****.

Your hurting at the moment and showing it and sharing (which is food) they aren't as it's too much of a secret but they will but you can't help them so help yourself. As I said, try and eat, try and take your mind off it and try and sleep i lived on nothing for 6 months and no sleep but am through the other side you will too.
Love and stars

Katiekate

Hey Girl, thinking about you this morning.

xo

Jad3d

Wow! So many responses. Thank you all for all your support. I have been crying incessantly but feel stronger when I read what you have to say here.

I know this is going to be a slippery road and I'm not going to sit here and say what I will do - I'm just going to do it, when I'm ready.

It's Saturday night here in Australia and all my friends are busy, so I'm facing a weekend of loneliness and don't really know how to deal with it.

But I guess I'm not really lonely, if I have all of you

Thanks x

Jess

Katiekate

Hi Jess, have you read the stickies at the top of this section of the forum???

GoingThrough2

Hello Jad3d,

I love the name by the way!
You have been Jaded.

This is the first day of the rest of your life!
This is the first second of the first minute of the first day of the rest of YOUR life.

When I first came here, I read something so true, so profound I sat and cried for a very long time.

Read the sticky about:
" This is what addicts do. Hello, my name is Jon, I am an addict and this is what addicts do. "

Glad I dont live with that roller coaster ride anymore!

Surround yourself with positive people.

The people here are quite amazing with all their wonderful shared life experience stories and stories of hope, progress and sometimes even having a really tough minute to minute, day, week, month, life!

Because we all have struggled, are struggling and continue to struggle.
Some days are better than others.
We share things in common and understand.

By all means get yourself into AlAnon.
Those stories are equally amazing, touching and learning experiences.
Not to mention you can look in the faces of the persons telling the story.
Very Powerful Indeed!
Yes, make sure you bring that box of tissues.
Get ready to learn alot!
With much love and respect!
~Love, GT2~

kudzujean

You said he's treating you like a yo-yo...reminds me of a relationship I had some decades ago where I said the same thing about the man I was seeing then.

You asked why couldln't he have come to the decision before he slept with you. It's because he wanted to sleep with you, and knew you wouldn't if he told you that first. Sounds like the
piece of **** that I was involved with.

I'll tell you something I've said to myself, regarding, Why cry over someone who doesn't want you? Remember, he doesn't have to know if you're crying over him. I'm saying this as someone who's cried this week over a family member who's hurt me.

I hope you go to a therapist, and/or Al Anon, and get some help.

Best to you,

Kudzujean

Jad3d

Thanks everyone!
You know, it's amazing what bit of perspective can do.

Someone just asked me what was the best moment of my life and I replied:

Being accepted to law at uni.
Paying off my first car in only 3 months.
Being accepted into ATP.
Holding my baby sister for the first time.

I could have kept going.. and in that moment... I realised that my life is a tapestry of amazing moments, of "best ever" times that have made me the person that I am. I have gone through worse than this and come out on top - and some cheating jerk is not going to unravel me - no one can.

Just thought I would share

Learn2Live

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle
all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what
Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make
up their minds to be.”

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust
everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and
fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will
learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do
somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of
it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do —
just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress
becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I
won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but
I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and
indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.
During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to
enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

PRAYER FOR TODAY

Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred,
let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt,
faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

0, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled,
as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved,
as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we
are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Note: This is a copy of the information
on a bookmark produced by:
Al-Anon Family Group
Headquarters, Inc.
1600 Corporate Landing Parkway
Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617
Phone: (757) 563-1600 Fax: (757) 563-1655

Summerpeach

I was with a friend last night who I've only recently connected with again after many years.
We talked a lot about our past, our marriages, divorces, dating etc.
When I told her about my last 2 ex, her reply was "wow, what a relief you must have felt having them out of your life"

I pondered for a minute and said "I was actually devastated"
Her reply was "Really, why would you not be happy something so horrible was gone"

I had no answer for that.......she is right, Why was I so destroyed when I got such sick and destructive people out of my life.

She went on to tell me when she left her H and her ex boyfriends, she was so happy to have her life back, to go out with friends, be home alone to enjoy her space, not have to deal with BS, and just be

Makes you think huh?!

This man will keep trying to pull you back, He's not treating you like a yo-yo, you're allowing to be treated as such.
There is a disconnect in the brains of is codies, but I can tell you for sure, this disconnect does not over-ride our dignity.

This last ex I was with was intoxicating to be with, and when I told him I needed space and he dumped me (he did it so he would have the power over me), he was at my place two days later saying he loved me and we had sex.
Well the day after he said again "I don't know if I want to be with you" and this is when I said "cool, it's done"
I was hurt, devastated and lost, but I've had enough al anon and experience so far under my belt to see he was trying to get me on that push/pull wagon.
Never bit and it's now 2 1/2 months later and I never went back to him. I've been NC, I am sure he's shocked I didn't play his game, but really, I am not a mouse.

You're very young and it will take you time to see the games these men play.
I know it hurts like hell, but it hurts longer and even more when you keep going back. He will continue to use you as long as you allow it.

You have ALL the power

hugs

Jad3d

I read this prayer out loud and felt it with my heart.

Thank you for posting this.

Learn2Live

You know, when A&AXBF left, I spent a whole lot of time hating myself. Thank God I climbed out of that but are you hating yourself too?

You're welcome. I am glad the post helped your heart. It helps me get grounded when I need it.

Jad3d

L2L, I hated myself for a brief moment until I realised that there was no cure for him and who he was. It wouldn't have mattered if I had have been prettier, smarter, sexier, more confident... at the end of the day he is who he is, and I am who I am. I may not be perfect but there is NO cure for being a lying, cheating w@nker and no one deserves that. I'm glad I found out about the person he was because it has really taken away my self loathing. Right now, I don't think I even hate him. I don't pity him either. I just don't want to see him again...

I think that's how I feel - but tomorrow that may change again.

Katiekate

:ghug3

so proud of you!!! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

fourmaggie

posted by summerpeach why would you not be happy something so horrible was gone

GOOD POINT!! and a good quote!

Jad3d

Well, today has come and I woke up with thoughts of him. They were different this time. I didn't think how much I needed to see him, or how I wanted to be held in his arms. I just thought about him. Then I pushed the thought away. I'm getting ready now to go for brunch. I feel strangely relieved, like there's no hold on me. Maybe I'm numb, still in shock from the extent of his betrayal. Still, I don't want to see him.

I woke up today and realized I am going to be just fine without him.

Wow!

Thank you to all of you. I get through every day with more clarity because of your words, more strength because of your prayers, and more light because of the love you give so freely.

I'm starting my journey of self discovery and I can't wait!

Love to you all x

Learn2Live

So glad you are starting to feel better! Thank you for sharing all of your posts; they helped get through a very difficult time in my life. I wish I could go to brunch with you!!! Eggs benedict with freshly squeezed orange juice sounds delicious!

Jad3d

Thanks L2L, it helps me to read yours too. It helps to see such strong, amazing and smart people going through similar things - not that I wish it on anyone - just that it makes me realise that's it not about who we are, it's about who they are.

Your words have sent me off to sleep on some very troubled nights. I can't thank you enough for sharing.

Eggs Benedict does sound amazing!!!

KittenBoo

Jad3d, I had never seen this forum and read your post and joined just to respond and maybe also to remind myself to finally, finally- never go back.

Your post in some ways sounded like me in this last relationship that just ended- again and again and again, etc. My friends were also sick of the rollercoaster of him breaking up with me.

It pains me to see anyone else in this situation, intelligent people, intelligent women getting sucked in by some level of amazing intimacy or some epic connection and go through the cycle of ups and downs over and over again. It's the good times or the connection we feel to them that keeps sucking us back in.

On Saturday morning after I had left him Friday night to hang around drunk, as he likes to do on Fridays (binge drink), I left him saying "call me tomorrow if you still give a damn about me at all." Why did I even lower myself to say such a thing in the first place? Do I value myself so little that him 'just giving a damn at all' is enough? I'm finally, finally disgusted because this is what woke me up.

Saturday morning went by- no call. By the time it reached 1:00pm I called. He answered and was drunk. He told me that he had woke up and started binge drinking to avoid a hangover. He had tweeted something on twitter about "life choices and how he had made bad ones" at around 10am that morning. I thought to myself that perhaps he had realized that hanging around drunk the night before without me in his arms was not the way he wanted to wake up. Well, my 1:00pm call gave me my answer.

He had not thought at all about me when he woke up, after eight months of super highs and lows and me being there for him and being the adult basicly (he is 32 and I am 38- divorced from my 45 year old ex husband). He had only thought of himself. In fact, once he said some words that pointed to that fact it's as if my brain was a time machine and I saw backwards from Saturday back to eight months ago all the times that everything was about HIM.

When I finally realized once and for all that everything into infinity was always going to be about him, his moods, his drunkenness, his this and his that...no amount of his 'sweet side' would ever be able to lure me back in again. I was done disrespecting myself by letting my choices, my weekends, my life to revolve around his garbage.

I've always been an independent, intelligent woman who has taken care of herself since she was a teenager, and I had not allowed another man to treat me quite this badly. I had amazed myself as to how on earth I had allowed myself to get to this point, this brick wall of forgetting about what I wanted. I had forgotten the reason that I had left my ex-husband- alcoholism. I suddenly thought myself insane that I had landed in a deep relationship with a binge drinking alcoholic even when my ex-hub was not that type.

I am now done. I hope that you can find the strength for yourself that no matter how the stars aligned and you two are like Romeo and Juliet and no one can fathom the spiritual, mental, sexual and emotional connection going on, that none of it is worth it in the end. I have lived it. I thought this man was the love of my life and soul mate, and I have to resolve myself to being worth more than his addiction.

Sorry to have rambled so long, but I feel your pain. I hope you can find strength to end the cycle that will continue forever because it will whether with you or someone else because it's not about you. It's all about them. I wish you all the best.

LexieCat

Hi, Kitty, and welcome.

This thread is from July of last year, so Jad may not be around to read it.

I hope you will stick around and start your own thread so folks can get to know you here. You're in a good place to be getting support.

Jad3d

Wow! I have come on here after many months of silence after some pretty major life changes.

Last year, after everything that happened, I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I could no longer work and every day was insufferable. It felt like I had entered hell and I truly believed I would never see light again.

I finally struck up the courage to see a doctor, and then a psychiatrist.. and finally a psychologist. That team of people have helped me immensely.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and suddenly everything made sense - why I was so codependent, why I allowed men to treat me terribly and would push them away and pull them back again. My shaky sense of identity... it all made sense now and with that in mind, I started a year long recovery which has changed my life.

I just wanted to come on here and tell people that all their support, all their words of encouragement and all their strength was a godsend for me. Whenever I felt low, I read them. I read their prayers out loud and I felt as though all these people that I had never met were actually right there with me as I cried and fell apart, over and over, until suddenly I got up and vowed to help myself.

This forum is a blessing and I encourage everyone to post, post, post and consider the advice given - it comes from a beautiful, raw place as we each try to work through our demons and learn to love ourselves.

Thank you, thank you. A million times, thank you.