Jad3d, girl, would you happen to be 29?? Cause this is exactly what I went through at age 29; my life as a human yo-yo. Kept getting sucked back into it, unable to bear the pain, with the only thing that could ease the pain and allow me to eat again my Drug of Choice (DOC), the addict/alcoholic. Yes, we are the same as they are, chasing a feeling to our own detriment, over and over. The part where he drags you back in and has sex with you then says he changed his mind is the part where I punched him in the face. Then I got knocked down by him and got a deep scar that did not go away for years. Soon I was driving past his house all hours of the night, trying to see when he would come home and with whom. It was the sickest period of my entire life. But I slowly got well, with Al-Anon and therapy.
Now, years later, I recognize emotional hooks when I see them. Alcoholics and addicts will draw you back in and then do or say something very hurtful, to KEEP you playing their sick, sick game. And as long as you keep stepping up to bat, you will play this game. It is dangerous for you to continue. You need to start doing the work you need to do so that you can start making healthy choices. Because right now, you're not. We are just like the addict. We say, "This time I quit! This time I mean it." and we walk away confident but never stop jonesing for the next high. We feel we are going to die without it. So we cry, lament, and awfulize, never getting ourselves out of that mindset. And then we relapse and the cycle starts again.
You have the power to change your thinking. Doing this will change how you allow yourself to feel. And it will give you strength which you have never known could exist. And all you have to do is go to some meetings. Al-Anon. It works if you work it.
Time to step off that rollercoaster girl.