krismarie212

ive been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. i love his desperately and there is nothing i wouldnt do for him. a year ago he admitted that he had a drug problem and was addicted. he tried out-patient programs but that wasnt working well, so a month ago, after our worst fight EVER, he decided to go to rehab. today he is 40 days sober. unfortanetly after all the stuff that has gone on my family is dead set against him and has forbid me to be with him basically telling me to choose him or them (i live with my parents still, i am 22 and my boyfriend lives with his parents also and is 27). i love him and i plan to continue not telling my family and fixing my relationship with my boyfriend.
what do you think is the best thing to do to be a supportive girlfriend? what shouldnt i do? i guess as a girl i get upset , like i did today , because his recovery is number 1 and i was starting to feel as if he didnt care. i guess im just scared that hell stop loving me.
any one have any advice. is it common for the girlfriend of the addict to feel this way? do couples that are faced with this usually last? is it worth it?
thank you guys, im having a rough night not sure what to do.

johnny2times

ever heard the saying 'cruel to be kind' ? i think you should give him some space for a while , he needs to get clean for himself first , then i think you may find he'll be a much better partner and you'll have a more meaningful relationship...just my opinion

EnglishGarden

I agree with johnny. Your abf is in a very dangerous time for an opiate addict and his complete focus should be on recovery. Daily meetings, building friendships with recovering addicts, working the Steps with a sponsor, seeing a counselor and a doctor.

He does not have the mental focus or emotional stability for intimate relationship right now.

You do not have to break up, all you have to do is take some time apart. You can send him a hello now and then, in the mail, if you wish.

In our Nar-Anon meeting last night (for friends and family of drug addicts) the topic was "Expectations."

We cannot have unrealistic expectations of anyone in active addiction or early recovery. We cannot count on them, until they are much further along in getting well. This takes usually a good long year or two. But they will then spend the rest of their lives working to stay well.

I hope this helps. It's late and you'll hear from more people tomorrow. Try to get some sleep!

EnglishGarden

Also, at the top of the Forum page are items called "STICKY". Click on those and each one will lead you to articles you can read about addicts and codependents.

tjp613

Sorry, but this is what jumps out at me about your post.

Your family has drawn a line in the sand and said "Him or Us....You need to choose." I will grant that this is an attempt to control your behavior, but nevertheless it is the boundary they have drawn. If you are and honest and mature adult, you will respect that boundary and move out of their home and have no contact with them since you have clearly chosen your boyfriend. To do otherwise, such as continue the relationship behind their back, is dishonest and disrespectful. Make your choice and then own it.

TMZ

See how the disease affects everyone around them. He even has you going against your own family, lying, and disrespecting them.

If ... you truly love him and his recovery is NUMBER 1 ...... You will step back and allow him to recover some from this disease before trying to make a relationship. For an addict can not care about someone else, there number one concern is the next fix so they don't get sick. Your just enabling him to continue.

As a golden rule they must not date for one full year after beginning recovery. That first year is for them to work on there recovery. If it is true love .... he will be there a year from now and so will you. He will be in a better frame of mind and not so much worried about himself.

We are just people that have dealt with A's and it is a common thing to see them use the girlfriend/boyfriend just to continue using. But if your not even going to listen to your parents who you have known for 22 years why ask us?

The truth of it is his life is in your hands right now. Are you going to continue to enable him, or are you going to help him? What is most important ?

While he fixes himself I recommend you work on YOU. Check out Nar-anon go to a few meetings learn more about the disease.

Freedom1990

Hi krismarie, and welcome to SR.

I spent a lot of time lying to my parents and hiding things when I was with my addict/alcoholic boyfriend who I eventually ended up marrying.

My parents were devastated when we got married.

That relationship/marriage almost killed me in more ways than one.

It wasn't until I was separated from him and in rehab myself for my own addictions/alcoholism that my mind began to clear, and I started seeing how toxic the marriage was.

That man is dead now, complications due to AIDS contracted while using. It's only by God's grace that I didn't contract AIDS from him myself.

Although I was deeply sorry for what I put my parents through, I didn't completely understand until I began to experience the same thing with my oldest daughter (addict/alcoholic, now 34).

My youngest daughter also was involved with an abusive alcoholic/addict for two years, and it hurt my heart.

As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you that I continued to stay in toxic relationships for 4 years after rehab and did relapse. I was lucky to make it back into recovery alive. I had NO business being in any relationship till my feet were solid on the ground in recovery.

As a long-term recovering codependent, I can tell you I had a lot of hard lessons to learn until I got honest with myself and became willing to change. I continued to hurt the people who loved me the most with my poor choices in relationships.

I read my story over and over here at SR. My ex was my "soulmate", we were meant to be together, he was just misunderstood, and on and on.

The fact was I was a very broken person, so was he, and together we kept each other sick for five long hellish years.

Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in all areas of my life. Two books I highly recommend reading are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They were both eye-openers for me. I also encourage you to read all of the sticky topics at the top of this forum.

Again, welcome to SR, and please know you are among those who understand!

madisonblake

I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I'm going through now. My exboyfriend had a bad addiction to opiates. After many attempts to quit on his own, he finally went to rehab this past December. We got back together when he was about 30 days sober (or so). I was in the same situation with my family. They saw me go through hell. The difference is I'm older than you, own my own home, have a child, etc so I'm self sufficient. They didn't say I had to choose him or me but they made it clear he was not welcome in their home.

Well I chose to give him a chance, eventhough I wish more than anything I would have listened to all the advice everyone here is giving you and listened to all the things I read.....that they need to focus on recovering for at least a year.

I'm not going through a terrible time. You can read my posts here this week. The realationship just bacame more and more dysfunctional this past time and I didn't find evidence but I know he relapsed. We got into some terrible fights and now are no contact again. I do think part of that reason was the stress of trying to manage being sober and expectations of a relationship, etc. I am torn between knowing I have to let this person go once again, terrible feelings of me just attacking him in the end for lying to me, covering up, you know...the typical behavior of someone who's relapsed. It's not a fun place to be for me right now.

What Englishgarden says is so true. We cannot have expectations on them. I did put the same expectations on my ex that I had before and that was just not realistic. You are so young. You have so much time ahead of you to figure it out. All I can say is that your family is so important and they will always be there for you. They want the best for you. They are worried. I know it's hard. Just know that looking back, one of my regrets was not giving my ex and I more time apart to both heal. We were very broken and dysfunctional as a result of our relationship.

KelleyF

Hi there. Since everyone is telling their stories to you; I will tell mine.
My BF of a year; was addicted to cocaine. He stopped using only about two months before we met. I dont subscribe to the golden rule that an addict has to wait for a year to have a relationship. Do they have to wait for a year to have a job? Deal with normal every day stress in their lives, find housing when their parents kick them out? No. Every person is different. What really matters is his committment to ending his drug use; and the quality of your life as you go through this process with him.

I can understand your parents; they are afraid for you. Your an adult and you have the right to make your own decisions. However since you are living with them, they have a right to make requests of you. I cant advise you on how to handle that situation. I would hope in time; if he proves himself - then they would accept him. My parents would never have asked me to not date someone as part of my agreement for living at home. So Im kinda lost on that one.

Many of the stories here on SR are sad ones; beause we quite often seek out help like this when things arent going well. I landed at SR after my BF had a one night relapse right before xmas. I was scared to death. But to his credit; he used it to only strenghten his recovery; added in work with a psychiatrist to help him deal with the underlying issues as to why he was triggered and how to better control it in the future. That was 3 months ago - he is doing fine now. Basically we have a normal relationship; I treat him normal. I expect of him normal relationship things. (We are a little older than you; Im 28 and in grad school. He is 32 and has a professional career).

If you stay; there may be ups and downs. What is most important is that you let him do what he needs to do for his recovery - whatever it may be. And along with that let him work on building his life through his work, education, whatever it may be. YOU also need to focus on yourself... building your life and making yourself strong and independent. In my opinion what works best is if you live your life to the fullest and share it with him. Dont make him your world; just make him a great part of it. Hope that makes sense.....what Im trying to say. I would recommend this even if he had no drug issues...

There is nothing You are going to do to make his stop using drugs; that is something that comes from within himself. The desire. You are also not going to be able to do anything to make him start using again. He has to be strong enough to say no, Im done.

Whatever you choose; I wish you both the best.
Kel

krismarie212

thank you everyone for your advice. it is greatly appreciated.
as per some of your concern, no i cannot finacnially live on my own. after being told that it was them or him ive been working and putting the money aside with intentions that i will leave soon.
i know it is a struggle during the recovery, i guess i never realized how much of an affect it would have on his relationship aspect of his life. i kinda just hoped things would work themselves out and as long as he was sober we would be fine. i guess by saying that you can all tell that i am younger then most on here.
my family is dead set against him for the simple fact that they watched what happened over the past year due to drugs, the lying, the stealing, the fights, the manipulating, and they are discgusted that i would even stay with someone who was this way.
as a girlfriend you have to be supportive and try to understand the disease, which is what ive been told it is, regardless. but do people really take a year apart during recovery? are there any success stories that have stayed together through the recovery. i mean ive been told it is a life-long struggle that he will have to deal with but if youre willing to stay is it worth it in the end?

EnglishGarden

What addictionologists tell us is that the addict's thinking is broken during the first year of recovery. That the effects of drug use have so damaged his ability to use the higher part of his brain--the part which is also involved in love relationship--that it takes many many months of recovery before the addict is able to think with the same capacity as normal people.

During early recovery the lower brain--the part of the brain that is drug-seeking--is still very powerful, more powerful than the higher brain. So it is a very critical and dangerous time for an addict--early recovery--because his thinking is damaged.

This naturally makes the building and sustaining of mature, intimate emotional relationship with someone during these months very suspect. Because the addict's thinking is still broken and is being repaired, slowly, through treatment and abstinence.

I personally would never ask an addict in early recovery to build a relationship with me. Because I know this: his addiction is a gun to his head. And if we do not respect that, and step away while he fights this thing with appropriate treatment, if we think we know better than the addictionologists about the seriousness of early recovery, then we could be as toxic to the addict as any of his druggie friends.

Wanting the addict to be with us, and our being unwilling to accept a temporary suspension of relationship, seems to me selfish.

Chino

By staying with your parents and continuing to see him, you are also lying stealing and manipulating. Is this new behavior for you?

krismarie212

Chino;3323816]By staying with your parents and continuing to see him, you are also lying stealing and manipulating. Is this new behavior for you?

yes ; ive never really been one to lie to them. unfortauntely they thought i was done with him a month before his rehab because he stole a check from my moms bankbook and tried to cash it. needless to say there wasnt enough money in the account at the moment so the bank withdrew the check. he had to admit that he stole the check because of the $30 overagecharge letter that we were going to receive. so of course i had to inform my mother of what he did and then why he did it. after that she figured i would be done and she said he wasnt welcome in the house anymore. of course i was mad at him for a few days but then like all relationships we worked through it, he was apologetic and i decided it wasnt enough to break us up. unfortunately i lied to my family for about a month after that and never told them we were together again.
finally a week before he went to rehab we had a huge fight because i found oxy pills in his ciggerette pack. it led to a huge fight because i took them and refused to give them back. that night my mom found out i had been with him and it became a huge family thing. she told me the only way i could come home was if i was done with him and that was it. 40 days has gone by and finally he is home from rehab and doing outpatient treatment, getting involved in church with his family and trying to better his life. the love is still there and he has told me countless times that he wants me to still be there with him forever. i guess forever sounds very clique because im so young, but regardless i want to be supportive, but not sure if relationships really last through the recovery process without taking the year apart.

KelleyF

I know when I came to SR I was told the same thing. He isn't capable of having a relationship, his brain is abnormal, he can go to school, work, do anything fine but no he's not capable of love. And i was being selfish and desperate to keep him.

Ridiculous to make such generalizations....

Addict specialist also do not have all the answers or they would easily cure all addiction by following these steps ..... And your done. *

There is no one way.... One concept, one uniformly accepted practice or method to cure addiction.*
There is not just 12 steps, or this alternative or that disease model, or this non- disease model.... Yes some people don't see it as a lifelong disease - shocking.*

To answer your question, yes relationships survive this process of recovery. *

They can also survive separation.**

It's a choice by both of you, and a commitment to communicate and be open and honest with each other.*

If you do let him compromise your values and beliefs; this is not healthy - regardless of the drug issue. *You have to define yourself - and ALL your relationships with friends, or boyfriends have to respect who you are.*

Your parents put you in a bad spot; but with good intentions. *Do your best to show them your being responsible and true to your own values. *And following all the rules when your physically in their house. Obviously after the things he has done; it will take time for him to rebuild their trust and acceptance. Your an adult and as long as he doesn't come into their home, then I don't think they should "forbid" you to see him on your own time, etc . Just my opinion.*

Sorry to reply again, but I'm hearing all the same things being said to you - that were said to months ago - *so I take it a bit personally.*

If I'd taken the advice; I would have given up my relationship with a great guy with whom I'm still planning " forever " with.*

My Best to you
Kel

krismarie212

kel, thank you so much. i am extremely happy to know you and your guy are still planing "forever". after reading all these posts i actually started to get a little nervous and upset feeling that the way i plan to do things (staying with him) isnt the way to approach this and i should be apart for a year. a year is a long time lol but i like knowing that there are people who have been in my situation and are now able to give a form of a success story.
im sure it takes hard work to still be together, i dont expect this recovery to be an easy process or easy on our relationship. like all things there will be good times and bad, and ive learned to accept that. he is an amazing guy, and the guy he was for a year due to drugs wasnt him, i know that. i just want to be here to support him and be here when he is recovers.

Chino

krismarie, I'm seeing a very young woman who is losing herself. Someone who threw at least a part of her personal value system in the trash, for someone who might be finding theirs. If he knows about the ultimatum, he's encouraging you to continue doing that. That is not a demonstration of love or recovery.

He has a lot of work to do, just finding himself. He will have to establish his personal value system all over again; the one he had before addiction was weak to begin with. It's part of how he got to this place in his life.

If you continue trashing your personal value system for him, he will become just as much your addiction, as his drug is for him. Then you too will bottom out and have to rebuild your life.

You've probably learned this behavior from your family and friends. I'm assuming your parents didn't prosecute him, you didn't mention that, but probably would have if it was a stranger. They probably made him an exception to their personal value system, because of you. If that is true, it's really no different from what you've done, for him.

Personal value systems are our personal boundaries. They are the bedrock that supports the foundation of our individual personal identities. If they are not steady, healthy and strong, then neither are our identities. They will crack, crumble, fall.

Is choosing to lose yourself OK with you? Do you see what happened to your boyfriend when he did?

I'm not suggesting you break up with him. I'm strongly suggesting you get honest with yourself. Find yourself, with even more effort than your boyfriend is giving, to find himself.

Please please please find a 12 step recovery program for yourself. Alanon, Naranon, Codependents Anonymous, Families Anonymous, etc.

krismarie212

being that i am new to all this, what recovery programs can i join for myself? are they similar to NA or AA ?

Chino

Overcoming that aspect of codependency was, for me, key to my personal freedom and identity. My therapist recommended the book "The Four Agreements" for further enlightenment.

I've learned that "Take what you need and leave the rest" applies to everything in my life.

krismarie212

can i bring my boyfriend wit me to the nar-anon meetings or i must go by myself?

Chino

I'm sure you can bring him to an open meeting, but he has his own recovery to address. Every moment either of you spend on the others recovery, is another opportunity to lose more of yourselves.