KelleyF

Originally Posted by KelleyF
*so I take it a bit personally.*

What my comment really meant was.... I recall coming to SR new to drugs and drug addiction, no knowledge of any of it. Had never seen my BF with drugs in his posesssion; and never saw him high on drugs.... but then one night he relapsed and I came here.

I remember how I was bombarded with the standard reply.... oh, well he has probably been lying to you for months and you were nieve and didnt know it.
Oh, his brain is so messed up he cant really love you. Oh, he has probably just been using you for sex, hmmm... what is wrong with you that you are attracted to a dangerous person like this, oh no... he uses an alternative to the 12 steps? - then it is for sure hopelessss... oh my .. you sound so desperate to keep him; your ruining your own life and dont you know your hurting him ! ... you must leave him for a year maybe two... let him be with other addicts for they can save him.....

Well its all there in the replies to my first threads if anyone cares to review it.

But three months later; we have grown closer than ever thanks to open and honest commuication; and his continued efforts to remove drugs from his llife.

So I take it personally because I know how one must feel coming here for help and being told all these things... when people have so little specific knowledge to base their statments on. I remember thinking about all of it at first and saying They have to be right - i am so stupid... and crying for hours.... allowing myself to doubt all the truths that I knew about me and my BF.

Looking back, I actually am glad for the experience ... because it helped solidify my beliefs, and allowed me the opportunity to really evaluate the situation I was in; and find strength hidden in myself that I didnt know I had at the time.

I may be off base.... but I kinda think this might be what a lot of new people experience here on SR.

I learned exactly what you said Chino and I agree:

Take what you can use, and leave the rest

There are people here in all kinds of situations; none are exactly alike but all share some common traits. I have learned something from everyone here.
I dont do the family version of NA or AA... so this is it for me.

Ive heard the ' take it or leave it ' motto applies to those meetings also.
Wise words... and yes, can be used for many aspects of life.

I had not heard of that book Chino - but I will take a look for it. Ive read many of the books suggested to me from this site and most have been helpful in some way. So thank you for sharing this one with me.

KelleyF

If you handle it properly, this can be a very good growth experience for you regardless of how things end up with your BF.

Im in my twenties... and I feel like it is a time of learning, and cementing the values that you did learn as a child. We sometimes make mistakes and that is ok; as long as we learn from them.

Just take things slow with your BF; He has a long way to go and a lot to overcome. Personally, I feel that most people have 'a reason' why they were drawn to drugs... a problem, an issue, something that happened.... this has to be dealt with by him... I dont know if this is accomplished through meetings and socializing with other addicts... maybe . My BF doesnt have recovering addict friends; Id probably worry too if he did.
But just remember - he has to learn to deal with people, availability of drugs, stress, and everything else that comes his way in life. So think of it like a test phase maybe.

I hope you have a lot of things that you are doing for yourself? School, a job, other friends, social activities.... dont let them slide because its very important that you have a well rounded life. If you want to try family meetings then I think that is also great... you have to make yourself strong &.... happy...all on your own.... Then you will have something great to share with him.
(And vice versa).

And thank you for your words about me and the BF. Im very proud of him, and right now Im very happy with my life. Wouldnt trade him in for anyone else... he makes me smile everyday.

krismarie212

kelley, thank you for that. i just got so upset, cried for hours, hearing everyone tell me that we shouldnt be togehter and we should take a year apart. i just needed to know that there are success stories with relationships and recovery.

krismarie212

i stay busy, keep my mind occupied. i work, and have a great group of friends. they are graet to talk to and although during this some of them dont agree with my decision they still make it an effort to hear my side and my feelings. i think you need to have good structure in your life in order to get through this.
as for the being friends with people who are also recovering, i am not sure if i agree with his feelings about it but you made a valid point. its a test phase to see if he can handle all this. i guess itll give me something to be proud of him for knowing that he has people who understand what he is going through and who help him.

Krystal32

Hi Krismarie212 and welcome to SR. First I want to say that it is such a good thing that you have found your way here. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and gain a lot of knowledge.

I can relate to the situation that you are in. I have been with my fiance for 3 years and we have 2 children together. He just completed 50 days of inpatient rehab on the 20th of last month, so he is VERY early into his recovery. I am one that has chosen to stay with him and support him. When I first joined SR back in December, the responses I got were VERY overwhelming and some of it did bring me to tears because people had encouraged me to look at my situation from a point of view that I never had before. It helped open my eyes to the big picture and realize the horrible things that could happen should my fiance choose not to remain sober. These were things that I never wanted to think about or consider cause it hurt too much and it scared the hell out of me but I finally did open up to the possiblities of the bad things that COULD happen. Now, I stress COULD because that doesn't mean that it WILL happen. There is no way to know what will happen. What I do know is I am no longer blind to how things could take a turn for the worse and I have taken the steps that I needed to to make sure that I get myself and my children out of the situation if it starts to spiral out of control. But I don't sit here everyday waiting for my fiance to mess up and start using again. If he's going to relapse, that's on him, not me. If he's going to stay clean, that's on him, not me. I'm just enjoying the NOW. He's doing well and embracing his recovery in the best way that works for him. And I am still very new into my recovery as a codependent but I do have a much better sense of self now. I don't obsess over him 24/7 and constantly question if he's doing what he should be. I know he's doing what he should cause it shows in his attitude and in his actions.

What I want to share with you is no matter what you decide to do, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. This is the biggest mistake I made in the midst of my fiance's active drug use. I completely lost who I was cause I became obsessed with him and his addiction and always trying to "fix" him. I went through a lot of yelling and screaming and crying before I realized that none of that helped anything. It didn't help him and it certainly didn't help me. It just made things worse. My fiance had to hit bottom before he made the choice to stop and he checked himself into rehab. His bottom had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with things that I said to him or did to him. It was a series of unfortunate events and it was a swift kick on the ass for him. And now that he's clean and he's wanting that life without drugs, I am here to support him 100% but in a HEALTHY way. No more enabling him whatsoever.

So many people told me that I needed to leave him, that he was no good but you know what? As much as people said this to me, I wasn't going to leave or stay because of what SOMEONE ELSE was telling me to do. I've made the choice to stay cause I feel that's the right thing to do. If I choose to leave, that's going to be MY choice to make, not anyone else's. What I'm trying to say is everyone is going to give you advice based off of their experiences but what it really comes down to is what YOUR decision is, what YOU feel is the right thing to do. Take from this forum what best applies to you and leave the rest. I have made the choice to stay by my fiance but I do so with caution. I do so with my eyes WIDE OPEN. I have boundaries set in place for myself so I can protect myself and my children. I wouldn't have gained this strength and this knowledge if it weren't for this site. You need to establish boundaries for yourself cause if he starts to go back down that road of using, you don't want to be dragged down with him. Believe me, I've been there and it's ugly. It's made me stronger as a person but I REFUSE to go back down that road again and my fiance is very aware of that. It's really up to you how much you are willing to take and endure. All you can do is do the best with what you know now. But I will say again, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. Love him and support him and do all that you feel is the right thing to do but don't lose yourself in the process. It is possible for you and him to pull through this and have a successful future together but that's only possible if he stays committed to his sobriety and you stay committed to taking care of yourself. I don't even know what's in store for my fiance and myself, only time will tell and the same goes for you and your BF.


Should you choose to stay with him and things take a turn for the worse and you fall flat on your face, then you pick yourself back up and learn from it. It's not the end of the world, just learn from your mistakes and apply it to the future. The point of this forum is to help you see things from all perspectives and to receive support no matter what choices you make. Some things that people will say will seem a little harsh but it's all to help you see the situation from every point of view. Just keep an open mind and try not to let it overwhelm you. Sorry if I rambled, I have a habit of doing that

I do wish the very best for you and your boyfriend and I hope you two can pull through this together.

Take care
Krystal

dbh

Dear Krismarie,

Sorry for what you are going through, but glad that you found SoberRecovery.

I'm not an addict and I luckily didn't marry one either. However, I hang out on SoberRecovery because I grew up in an alcoholic home and it affected me for most of my adult life. It influenced the way that I looked at life and relationships, the way I felt about myself, and the people that I chose to spent my time with.

I started therapy in my mid-thirties because things I was doing to try to make myself feel better weren't working. I was a typical over achiever who tried to define and lose myself in my job and school. I ended up going to 12-steps meetings (I attend Al-Anon "Adult Child" meetings) when I was in my early forties because I found myself repeating the unhealthy behavior I observed in my parents. There is a lot of alcoholism/addiction in my extended family and I've been hanging around recovery groups for almost five years.

In my experience, there are not many "happy endings". My father was an alcoholic his entire life and died without any money in a medicaid run nursing home at the age of 72. Two of my cousins died because of alcohol and drugs. Another cousin has been in and out of rehab more times than I can count and he now has a son that is your age who seems to be heading down the same path.

I have seen examples of people who have been able to stay clean for extended periods of time (10+ years) but it takes a lot of work. Again, in my experience it seems like the addict first needs to address the physical addiction and then address why they started to use in the first place. It is not an easy road.

Even as a non-addict, my own recovery caused me to look at all the relationships in my life in a different light. The things that attracted me to people pre-recovery was different than post-recovery.

I can see so much of my younger self in your post. I have been madly in love with boys/men that my family disapproved of and I know what it feels like to think that others do not understand.

I love a good romantic story where love conquers all just as much as the next person. But my experience is that love doesn't make people clean and sober.

Life and relationships are hard even under ideal circumstances. I think it's almost impossible to look at things objectively when you're in the mist of feeling madly in love. However, think about what you would tell a friend or a sister to do if they were in a similar situation.

Please be careful, think about what you are doing, and keep yourself safe.

Warm Regards,

db

krismarie212

krystal,
your story was very helpful. although i do not know what the future has in store for me and my boyfriend i am willing to give it a try and see what happens. only time will tell if we can get through this. i grew up believing that love could get through anything and i just believe that we can get through this if we are willing to work at it. i understand that his recover is number 1 and my own recovery is my number 1 priority. i have endured alot over the past year with him and ive spent alot of time trying to learn how to not question everything he says and does because i am use to the lies and manipulation of the past.

krismarie212

krystal, to continue with what i was saying ..(sorry i sent it before i was done lol)
yesterday after finally being with my boyfriend after almost a month i came home and just felt that i didnt handle it very well. he was trying to finally be honest with me and explain the things he did and why he did some things and i got very emotional and cried. he felt like he was disappointing me and i couldnt find the words to explain to him that it wasnt that, it was just that i hate knowing how life has become over the months. i found SR last night after feeling like i had lost myself and feeling so confused and not knowing what to do. i was torn between believing that it will get better with time, or it is just doomed. i guess i just never really experienced this before, and i never thought i would have to, especially with someone that i fell in love with. i started to get myself back to ME over the past 24 hours from reading all of peoples posts and advice. i never knew how much i appreciated the advice of others before.
as long as my boyfriend is going to continue on the road to a full recovery then i think i will continue to support him and love him. it will take time to get past the past problems but i am trying to give it a try.
i am very happy that you and your fiance have come such a long way together and you guys are still together. i find it reassuring to hear success stories, such as yours.
thank you for sharing your story
-kris

KelleyF

Kris,*

I agree with cynical actually and I'm certain in part she is replying to my personal experience. That is ok.*

This is a forum....we share our experiences to date. *Like a bunch of friends gathered round....

I have my own views on addiction, treatment like everyone else. There is really no 'Do this' and your guaranteed success or failure.*

If there is please post it NOW!*

I'm also not a mom, so my views are different because of that.

My BF has not damaged me the way many have been hurt here on SR. *You have not been damaged as bad as many here on SR - so we have a different outlook perhaps.*

I will completely stand by my real words of wisdom:

Regardless of his addiction, you need to have a well rounded life of your own. He should*not be your world. Build your life and become strong and happy in your own right; and then share your life with your BF....this one, or another.
If you have a firm foundation and inner strength, then you are much more likely to handle anything that comes your way in life.

I clearly stated the facts of my situation. My BF would have had a year off cocaine last month but he relapsed. He is now 3 months clean from that.
I've known him almost a year; using and not.*

My story coming to SR was all true....go read my posts and the responses I got initially. *

You came here saying you were staying with your BF; you didn't come asking our opinion on that.
Or our opinion about lying to your mom.

You asked what you could do to help him or yourself through this process.

Then you asked was there any hope your relationship could survive - after you were told to leave him.

I stick by my response - yes there is hope

Krystal32

Ok Cynical, I'm going to assume that comment was directed at me since I did very clearly state that I am very early into my recovery. I don't see how my advice is dangerous, I can relate to her and her situation and I shared my story with her. I think it is very wrong and very judgmental of you to come on here and to have the nerve to discredit any advice that us "newbies" have to offer. Just because we don't have as much recovery time under our belts doesn't make what we have to say any less valuable. What I had to say to her was in no way trying to "justify" my own choices. I feel very comfortable and confident in my decisions and I am someone that does have hope that a relationship can survive addiction and I am going to share that. It is not WISHFUL thinking because it does happen. It may be rare but it does happen. I have never once judged anything you have ever said to anyone on here because that is your own personal opinion based off of your experiences and I am in no place to criticize that. Why do you feel it's ok to criticize anyone's shared experience? Isn't that the point of this forum? To seek out support and share experiences without fear of being judged? I'm sorry but what you said was very belittling, insulting and not necessary.

Chino

Perhaps sharing your personal story of recovery would be helpful to the OP?

lesliej

Hi Krismarie,

Welcome to SR. As you can see we don't always agree here! That's okay, there are many voices and many stories. Keep coming back as much as you need insight and support. Also I would recommend meetings because we can't give you hugs here! You don't HAVE to go alone, but going alone is an amazing experience, I would hope you don't deprive yourself of it! Also I know that for many addicts it is kind of uncomfortable to go...and you wouldn't maybe have the chance to be honest and open.

Whenever you come here just promise to yourself that you will be honest and open. We all need safe places to do that, and yes, because we are all dealing with some difficult situations sometimes we may seem heavily opinionated or harsh...but that will just help you get some thick skin and a back bone and you will stand up for your decisions about YOUR life!!

I agree with Anvil that being honest with your family is probably something very serious to look at for you. Addiction, and (those connected to it) codependency has a way of isolating people and making them lie. It's called shame and it's one of the biggest red flags that you are in trouble...that's why some of us are concerned for you losing yourself. Don't get lost, just keep reaching out for support as time goes by.

When I was new to this whole thing, two years ago and the first relapse...I found some absolutely gorgeous research that told me what I believed and wanted to hear...bigtime professional researchers!! it was awesome, it let me do what I wanted to do. We all do that, we hear what we need and want to hear, and sometimes the two match up!! sometimes what we need to hear is what we want. other times not.

there are possibilities and probabilities.
anything is possible. somethings are not as probable...only life and time will tell
and it YOUR life and YOUR time

hope? what about hope?
there are many many faces of hope
there is the hope of the first encounters with this horrible addiction thing, the hope of the first times around treatment, the first promises...the first hopes they are good, they are strong and I guarantee you...everyone here has experienced them!!

if the person you love who is addicted and is trying to find recovery is successful at recovery then you maybe might remain very hopeful of a "forever"
but, remember too that even totally healthy normal happy people have horrible odds at "forever" just sayin!

but some of us have experienced more...we have experienced multiple relapses, multiple treatments...we have watched horrible destructive habits that negate life
and still we have had hope!! sometimes, after hope upon hope, the addict we love finally finds recovery!! but you know what? it wasn't because WE had hope, it was because THEY found hope. we just wanted to keep the person we loved! we had hope they would recover so that we wouldn't lose them to addiction...but it wasn't OUR hope that made them finally find recovery

and then there are those of us who have started to lose hope
I will always hold out hope for my ex, I pray he finds recovery
but I have lost a lot of hope in our relationship because I do not want addiction in my life
it is awful, it is destructive, and it is his work to do...if he wants recovery he needs to do the work and I can't do it for him...I can only do my own

so I took my hope back...I want to use it for other cool, beautiful creative things in MY life. I kept giving it to him...to the want to have him in my life, and my hope was getting drained!!

and then...then, yes. there are those who become addicted to hope. desperation. this place is lonely, sad, isolating
yes, it happens.

and yes we are all here. all levels of hope are represented here.

wherever you are at on the scale..we are here and we are here to support one another, even if we disagree! keep coming back and learning
treasure your hope as the beautiful gift that it is and use it well
but believe me when I say that his recovery doesn't depend on it
as many people say here, if love or hope cured addiction none of us would be here!

Krystal32

I apologize cynical, I assumed it was directed at me and now have made an ass out of myself

lesliej

just fyi...
my ex is a beautiful poetic charming handsome lovely man
he "chronically relapses" meaning he uses every 3, 5, 7 months with weeks and months of "clean time" in between. my family always knew what was going on with us...and he never stole from me.

also...as I have said before and will say again..."Happy Endings" and "Successful Stories" do NOT always mean that you get what you think you want. we as vulnerable human beings sometimes think we know just what we want and we can get lost and dragged down in that "idea". think bigger picture! I have enough faith in a beautiful spirit of the universe to let go of that beautiful man for at least a year...

life and love and hope is a gift
I trust that I was not put here to be sad and miserable
addiction makes me sad and miserable...I do not want it around me
if you want a happy ending it does not HAVE to be one way or another
take a breath

think big
forever is a very very very long time! many many many happy endings!

December2011

I think you may want to start thinking about your own life- Your schooling, career, going out with friends, having fun etc... You are only 22(sure your parents said that).

I think if you get some distance, and start living your own life and getting some space, you will find you can do a hec of a lot better. I am not dissing him, but 27 and living with mommy (I cringe at what his parents are going through).

It would probably be good for him to get some space too.

It also sounds like your parents love you, and know how bad this is for you. They will find out eventually that you are seeing him, and if they are not bluffing, that means you are going to have to get your own place.

As an adult, it is up to you to be honest with them about what you are doing and suffer the consequences of your choice. It is their home. Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

I know this isn't easy, and you are reaching out, which is a great thing, and you seem like a caring person. Glad you are here.

take care

Windmills

I wish I'd reached out when I was in your position. I'm now close to 4 years into a relationship with a daughter to a man who has apparently never been honest the whole time I've known him. Maybe if I'd had my eyes open at the beginning I'd have stood a better chance of jumping off this sinking ship earlier.
If you insist on standing by him then educate yourself. Learn about addiction, the facts. Listen to all of our experiences, not just the short term 'success stories'. Start attending a meeting, make some connections. You might need them. I have always gone alone and it wasn't long before I met some wonderful people who I keep in touch with between meetings.

December2011

Cynical One
"I can't and won't ever cosign or encourage a young person who has their entire lives ahead of them, who isn’t carrying a lot of baggage, to continue on in these types of relationships knowing that most do not work. And then these young ladies are left broken shells of who they once were with their egos deflated from being lied to, cheated on, or stolen from. Nor will you EVER find a post of mine telling them to run or leave unless there is abuse or children involved."

I agree, and on the topic of dangerous advice, I understand. I have not been in recovery long but lived with an addicted parent throughout childhood, and have battled my adult son's addiction for many years.

KrisMarie, we know the choice is up to you, and we cannot tell you what to do, nor will we care about you any less for whatever choice you make- I think I speak for many people here, when I say we are here for you.

It is just that many of us have seen years of heartbreak and we hate to see that happen to you.

When you are actively in a relationship with an addict, I personally believe it is next to impossible not to "loose yourself" as Krystal mentioned. She also has 2 children and you have none, I assume.

Would just like to see a young, intellect person like yourself doing something more fun at night then going to a Naranon meeting

Sorry if i was long winded

Take care :

bluebelle

Welcome to SR. I have a lot of experience with being around people with drug addictions--including my parents, step-daughter, and RABF (recovering addict boyfriend).

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation having to choose between your home and your bf. I am concerned that you are having to lie to your family and sneak around with your bf. It's hard to be young and to have to be in a relationship that involves lies and deceit. It does not sound like a solid foundation to a relationship. It sounds like your mom really cares about you and is concerned about your relationship with your bf. I can see why she would be very upset about him stealing her check and trying to cash it. It put her in a difficult situation. She doesn't want to see you hurt, and yet she lost money. Did your bf ever repay her for the money she was overcharged? I can see why she wouldn't trust him and would be worried about you.

I have found this website very useful when needing to talk to people about the addiction of my family members and bf. There is really good information on the stickies on the page.

dbh

As I have posted previously, I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic for almost his entire life and I'm familiar with the subtle and not so subtle damage that comes from having an active addict in your life.

When I was younger, I remember often minimizing the affects my father's alcoholism had on me. I would tell myself how "lucky" I was that my father's drinking wasn't that bad. I would tell myself how "lucky" I was to escape being truly affected by our dysfunctional home. My positive spin on things protected me from having to deal with all the negative emotions that were building inside of me.

Life with an addict is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It makes you crazy and you start to think that unacceptable behavior is okay or justifiable.

I just have to say that it's not okay to find someone you care about od'ing and it's not okay to have your boyfriend steal from your mother.

I'm sorry that both of you are experiencing this and I hope that you find a way to put your own health and sanity first.

These are things I wish someone said to me when I was in my twenties.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hugs,

db

hopeful49455

Hi Krismarie...

1st let me say to take anything coming from me with a grain of salt, as I am still in the newborn stages of my own recovery from codependence & enabling! I came across your post and it grabbed me b/c it's similar to mine. Short version: My bf is an addict (hard core opiates, oxy, roxy, everything else except heroin... not that it even matters) We've been together for four years, and about a yr and a half ago his addiction went from 0-100.

He tried outpatient 1st, which failed, and then left for a minimum 90day program (inpatient) in August...and I was a complete wreck! We'd never even gone a day without speaking, much less without seeing each other. It was rough for us both being apart for so long, and I often felt very lonely and insignificant (b/c I wasn't a wife or family member). You just have to remember that Recovery (for the addict, and the loved one) can sometimes be a very selfish process, as it should be. You both need to focus on getting yourselves better FIRST & FOREMOST!. I think about it this way, if he goes away and gets better but comes home to the exact same environment, his chances of success are slim.

It's very easy to get addicted to your addict. I literally lived every second making sure he stayed alive... Constantly paranoid, worrying, stressing, and analyzing his every move/word. His facility required that I participate in Al-Anon before I was allowed to visit, so I went. For me, it was very helpful. It's nice to talk to others that truly understand what it feels like to love and be effected my an addict/alcoholic.

Also very important is HONESTY. I understand that your family may disapprove but you still need to be honest with them. I know that in my situation my boyfriend keeping secrets regarding his addiction, and me keeping secrets to protect him made this much worse! Unfortunately, (from what I hear and have read) the odds are stacked against girls like us when it comes to the relationship lasting. With that said, some couples can make it through something like this, but it can be hard and messy and miserable at times. For me (and my BF), it is worth it. He's my best friend, and I know that we were put here to find each other, so I continue to work at it. People say if something is meant to be, it just happens but thats pretty much BS if you ask me! Lol... it's something we work at every day.

I am back on this site b/c unfortunately my BF relapsed 8 weeks ago, and left for rehab (round 2) a little less than a week ago. I believe we BOTH made mistakes when he came home, which caused us both to relapse... Him on opiates, and me on his active addiction. I'm sure there are tons of ppl that think I am insane to put myself and my family through this again and I get that... They may be right. But for me, I love him and I trust the love we have for each other. Theres no doubt in my mind that whether we're apart for 90 days or 900, we'll still feel just as deeply for each other. This time around, I feel as though I have recognized my own faults and am working on getting myself better (he's doing the same), so that in the end we can be better together.

I would just suggest making your own recovery 1st, and let him do the same! Try out Al-Anon, and try to put yourself 1st. You can't control his addiction, you didn't cause it, and unfortunately you can't cure it. You can however get yourself better, so that you are able to make smart decisions with a clear head. I know this feels like such a lonely and selfish time, but if you work on yourself it does get better! For me the sober days I spend with my BF make the days of hell worth it... Which isn't necessarily health. Just goes to show that recovery is an ongoing process. Best of luck to you guys, and sorry that I've rambled for so long. I really do hope that anyone in this type of situation is able to, in some way or another, find peace and serenity in the end!