boyfriend is recovery oxycodone user

Old 03-18-2012, 11:33 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Perhaps sharing your personal story of recovery would be helpful to the OP?
Hi Chino.... not sure what you meant by this.. sorry for slow response, been out most the weekend so just seeing this. maybe irrelevant now?
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:49 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dbh View Post
As I have posted previously, I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic for almost his entire life and I'm familiar with the subtle and not so subtle damage that comes from having an active addict in your life.

When I was younger, I remember often minimizing the affects my father's alcoholism had on me. I would tell myself how "lucky" I was that my father's drinking wasn't that bad. I would tell myself how "lucky" I was to escape being truly affected by our dysfunctional home. My positive spin on things protected me from having to deal with all the negative emotions that were building inside of me.

Life with an addict is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It makes you crazy and you start to think that unacceptable behavior is okay or justifiable.

I just have to say that it's not okay to find someone you care about od'ing and it's not okay to have your boyfriend steal from your mother.

I'm sorry that both of you are experiencing this and I hope that you find a way to put your own health and sanity first.

These are things I wish someone said to me when I was in my twenties.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hugs,

db
For your part in responding to me... thank you DB... very nice of you to share that from your past.

I didnt mean to offend anyone when I said that the relationship with my BF hadnt damaged me ' as much' as some here; but it is true. I dont have weeks or months or years of "things that are not ok" to deal with ... for me it was just one night.

Obviously I dont want him to relapse again.
I cant predict the future (besides.. we make plans - God laughs....)
But I do accept the risk
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:01 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
Hi Chino.... not sure what you meant by this.. sorry for slow response, been out most the weekend so just seeing this. maybe irrelevant now?
I meant exactly what I said. Your personal story of recovery, not your BF's, is always relevant to others struggling with their own issues. You seem to have avoided, or quickly recovered from, many of the usual behaviors and issues associated with loving an addict. Share with us how you got to where you are
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:34 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Krystal32 View Post
Hi Krismarie212 and welcome to SR. First I want to say that it is such a good thing that you have found your way here. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and gain a lot of knowledge.

I can relate to the situation that you are in. I have been with my fiance for 3 years and we have 2 children together. He just completed 50 days of inpatient rehab on the 20th of last month, so he is VERY early into his recovery. I am one that has chosen to stay with him and support him. When I first joined SR back in December, the responses I got were VERY overwhelming and some of it did bring me to tears because people had encouraged me to look at my situation from a point of view that I never had before. It helped open my eyes to the big picture and realize the horrible things that could happen should my fiance choose not to remain sober. These were things that I never wanted to think about or consider cause it hurt too much and it scared the hell out of me but I finally did open up to the possiblities of the bad things that COULD happen. Now, I stress COULD because that doesn't mean that it WILL happen. There is no way to know what will happen. What I do know is I am no longer blind to how things could take a turn for the worse and I have taken the steps that I needed to to make sure that I get myself and my children out of the situation if it starts to spiral out of control. But I don't sit here everyday waiting for my fiance to mess up and start using again. If he's going to relapse, that's on him, not me. If he's going to stay clean, that's on him, not me. I'm just enjoying the NOW. He's doing well and embracing his recovery in the best way that works for him. And I am still very new into my recovery as a codependent but I do have a much better sense of self now. I don't obsess over him 24/7 and constantly question if he's doing what he should be. I know he's doing what he should cause it shows in his attitude and in his actions.

What I want to share with you is no matter what you decide to do, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. This is the biggest mistake I made in the midst of my fiance's active drug use. I completely lost who I was cause I became obsessed with him and his addiction and always trying to "fix" him. I went through a lot of yelling and screaming and crying before I realized that none of that helped anything. It didn't help him and it certainly didn't help me. It just made things worse. My fiance had to hit bottom before he made the choice to stop and he checked himself into rehab. His bottom had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with things that I said to him or did to him. It was a series of unfortunate events and it was a swift kick on the ass for him. And now that he's clean and he's wanting that life without drugs, I am here to support him 100% but in a HEALTHY way. No more enabling him whatsoever.

So many people told me that I needed to leave him, that he was no good but you know what? As much as people said this to me, I wasn't going to leave or stay because of what SOMEONE ELSE was telling me to do. I've made the choice to stay cause I feel that's the right thing to do. If I choose to leave, that's going to be MY choice to make, not anyone else's. What I'm trying to say is everyone is going to give you advice based off of their experiences but what it really comes down to is what YOUR decision is, what YOU feel is the right thing to do. Take from this forum what best applies to you and leave the rest. I have made the choice to stay by my fiance but I do so with caution. I do so with my eyes WIDE OPEN. I have boundaries set in place for myself so I can protect myself and my children. I wouldn't have gained this strength and this knowledge if it weren't for this site. You need to establish boundaries for yourself cause if he starts to go back down that road of using, you don't want to be dragged down with him. Believe me, I've been there and it's ugly. It's made me stronger as a person but I REFUSE to go back down that road again and my fiance is very aware of that. It's really up to you how much you are willing to take and endure. All you can do is do the best with what you know now. But I will say again, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. Love him and support him and do all that you feel is the right thing to do but don't lose yourself in the process. It is possible for you and him to pull through this and have a successful future together but that's only possible if he stays committed to his sobriety and you stay committed to taking care of yourself. I don't even know what's in store for my fiance and myself, only time will tell and the same goes for you and your BF.


Should you choose to stay with him and things take a turn for the worse and you fall flat on your face, then you pick yourself back up and learn from it. It's not the end of the world, just learn from your mistakes and apply it to the future. The point of this forum is to help you see things from all perspectives and to receive support no matter what choices you make. Some things that people will say will seem a little harsh but it's all to help you see the situation from every point of view. Just keep an open mind and try not to let it overwhelm you. Sorry if I rambled, I have a habit of doing that

I do wish the very best for you and your boyfriend and I hope you two can pull through this together.

Take care
Krystal
Hi krismarie and welcome to SR - I'm truly sorry that you have found yourself at a place in your life where you have had to seek help.

I've quoted Krystal's message in mine because I think it's really sound advice -and that isn't to say any better than others but it is what I would share too.

You have to put yourself as number one, your health and wellbeing are the most important. If you want to work at your relationship with your BF no one has the right to tell you it's the wrong thing to do, even if they do so with the best intentions. If you decide to stay with him then I would suggest coming to SR and sharing and learning but most importantly make sure you are living your life.

Here are a couple of mantras that get me through difficult days:


• You cannot control the thoughts, feelings, actions or words of others

• And nothing is the end of the world


I wish you the very best in your journey x
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:03 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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To be clear this is for anyone who it might help…yet specifically to kelly because, there are absolutes in this…

1. You know nothing if it isn’t yours ( real tough pill to swallow for some, me included ), and this is important! Everyone can assign and speculate and wishful think away and even set something as a truth, but you still don’t know if it isn’t yours.

2. Hopping on ( in your head ) the using not using train will bite one in the ass. It isn’t about if they are using or not using … but what you can and won’t live with, tolerate in any respect, what you need, your dreams…what you are willing to do for yourself to have the best chance of knowing what you want and need in your life.

3. If each side does not work totally on themselves then there is no chance at any together. You can not be in a relationship with anyone in a healthy way if you are not taking care of you first….Oh and to add to that most with good recovery under their belt find they now have different relationships with everyone in their life, not just the one who happens to be an addict… this tends to be an absolute whether addiction is present or not, to have a happy healthy relationship you need to be happy and healthy within.
And this just isn’t about being with friends, doing nice things for yourself, having you own things and hobbies you like to do, anyone can justify any distraction as good for them … it is about understanding who you are, what makes you tick, what destroys you or lifts you up. It is about knowing what it good and not good for you own soul, knowing what you will not compromise of your own soul for anyone … about being able to love yourself, be comfortable alone, and at peace within….oh and once you find recovery for you then there is no wrestling with what to do, what not to do, you know, you just know.

4. This is one of my favorites and a good question for everyone to ask themselves are you so sure you know what functional is, what healthy is? Very few when they do look at themselves only ( when they do the work ) find they are here by accident there is always something internal for each action and reaction, for each new bottom one watching will aspire to… so I ask in general are you so sure you know what functional means, what is healthy as opposed to not healthy in any relationship you might have.

If you grew up in a home with abuse present (physical or mental), or had a parent who was an alcoholic/addict/codependent….If you lost someone to addiction, if you suffered some traumatic event when young, if you were an addict in your own right …This is a good starting point to finding some answers for you, to help you heal and guide you … the saying let it begin with me, isn’t around without good reason.

5. Another one of my favorites. No answer is found about yourself if you constantly are asking all questions through another, what they are/aren‘t doing, what their actions mean or don‘t mean, why they react this way or that…looking at your reflection is a start, looking with brutal honestly will save you above all else.

Surely there are many more things people can add through the experience they gained finding themselves. These above helped me to save myself...
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Old 03-19-2012, 09:29 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I can't help but post something on here.
Here's a little background on me. When I met my boyfriend he was clean for 2 years (he was once addicted to heroin). About a year into our relationship, he relapsed around Thanksgiving of last year. He went to detox in January of this year, came home, was clean for about a week, and then relapsed again. I stayed with him through both relapses. At the end of February he finally admitted to me that he was doing heroin (which I already knew...he had track marks on his arms).
He spent a week at a detox facility, and is now on his 3rd week living in a sober house about 25 minutes from home. I see him once a week for a few hours. We are still very much together, we never broke up during any of this.
I posted on here a few times and people would tell me about the 1 year rule, and about how he isn't capable of being in a relationship right now and I should basically just walk away from the situation.
I love my boyfriend very much, but I had to learn to accept that recovery will be number one in his life, for the rest of his life. I try to think of it like this: If recovery isn't number 1 in his life, the chances of him relapsing again, and the chances of having to live through that hell that I just went through again, is so scary. I WANT him to put recovery first. I don't want to be first.
There is hope in keeping a relationship alive during early recovery. I'm living proof that it works. But detachment to an extent is necessary. Your boyfriend has to put HIS recovery before your relationship, and you have to put YOUR recovery first before your relationship. I think often times the loved one of an addict doesn't realize that they also have a road to recovery ahead of them. In order to be strong for him, in order to have a healthy relationship, you both have to be in recovery. Granted, your recovery will be from a codependent standpoint, your recovery will involve learning to detach to an extent, and learning about addiction. His recovery will be from the obvious...opiates.
Take it one day at a time. Don't hold unrealistic expectations for him. Let him work on himself and figure out how to keep himself clean.
I wish you both nothing but happiness and better days ahead.

<3
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:36 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I meant exactly what I said. Your personal story of recovery, not your BF's, is always relevant to others struggling with their own issues. You seem to have avoided, or quickly recovered from, many of the usual behaviors and issues associated with loving an addict. Share with us how you got to where you are
Got it.

So when I came to SR, my BF that I had known for about 8 months… had just overdosed on cocaine. And I walked in and found him on the floor and called 911. His heart stopped twice and he almost died even after he got to the hospital. It was not an Ok experience…

It was also shocking to me because even though I knew he had used drugs in the past; it had never been part of our lives. So seeing it enter into my life was unexpected.

When I met my BF he had only been off cocaine for about 2 months. He gave me full disclosure to his past; he probably left things out; but he made it sound quite terrible; and there was not much there to show it had any redeeming qualities. But he said that he was done. So I believed him . He also warned me he could slip up again… but I didn’t really think he would.

So during the first 8 months of our relationship; he was not on drugs. I did not worry about him going back to drugs. I did not spy on him, or doubt his words. I did not have any codie tendancies. I just lived my life like normal; and gradually fell in love with this man. We had a great relationship; I was treated incredibly well and shown complete love and respect.

After his OD; I fell apart for about a month. While he was in hospital I went through all his stuff looking for signs he had been using for a long time and not telling me. I looked in his car, phone, computer. I never found anything
I went 24/7 thinking about his situation, learning about cocaine, looking at websites. I have to laugh now… because I even kept notes on things I was told by his dad, or by BF when he was in the hospital. That is when I found SR. I told my story being very honest and sounding very naive. I was basically told he was bad; I should leave him and never look back. People questioned everything about our relationship and made me have serious doubts. So I spent a lot of time reviewing our whole history. People thought there was something wrong with me because I should have never got involved with him in the first place. So I spent a lot of time questioning myself.

I had pretty much become a full blown codie…. I was even scrambling looking through my notes to ask them questions; once I remember trying to ask was the quantity of drugs he said he bought that night a lot. I didn’t know anything about how to measure drugs… so I wrote down what he said he bought. It was an ounce… and how many grams are in an ounce? Is that a lot I aksed? ….. I had stopped doing any of the things I enjoyed; I didn’t return phone calls, emails, got out of my normal exercise routine, wasn’t sleeping; not eating well. Came really close to missing registration for my grad school classes… that helped me realize that this was all really affecting me.

SR helped me understand that if my BF decided to return to using drugs then that was his choice, and it had nothing to do with me… and I couldnt really do anything to make him stop. So for a while I thought I had to break up with him as I couldn’t handle living this way; the fear of the unknown, doubting him, worrying…

But there are a couple things… I knew that I would be ok on my own even if I left him; financially and emotionally. My parents spoiled me almost rotten but they taught me early lessons - that I could do anything; be anything; and that I didn’t have to rely on anyone ever. I always have a choice. No one is responsible for my happiness, but me.

Im basically an optimistic and happy person. I have had tragedy in my life; I’ve been hurt by people and events; I’ve suffered disappointments… but I’ve always been able to flip them around … learn from them.. take something away from the experience to make me a better person.

And as far as what finally broke my codie ways… It was the realization that I didn’t have to live like a codie… didn’t have to live in fear…..The solution was explained to me by my BF. I told him all about my anxiety and asked him tons of questions; and in the end he asked me to do the following: let HIM handle this; don’t obsess, don’t try to figure out the puzzle of why, don’t feel responsible, don’t feel guilty, don’t worry all the time. Treat him as Normal like I had been doing when I thought he was “fine”: expect of him normal things, don’t let him off the hook; don’t change who I am to try to accommodate what I think he needs. And if he fails being what I need…. Then I let him go.

Somehow hearing him say that freed me…..

Below is a post I made on SR after I reached this conclusion … It all still stands today:

Today…. is Christmas Eve

….at least a repeat of it for me and my RABF. (for those that dont know, he OD the night before Christmas Eve day and was in the ICU unconcious for the official holiday)

My RABF has a plan; only time will tell if he sticks with it; only time will tell if he relapses again; but Im happy because he has a plan; and Im hopeful because at my core that is just who I am.

I hope HE will take care of himself; I hope God will take care of him; I hope that I will put myself first and take care of myself…. and somehow all this will mix together and together we will be happy.

I went with my RABF to his first Dr appointment. His dad went too; yes it was an entourage. He was nervous; he doesn’t like to talk about himself and he has a lot of bad stuff that he needs to deal with. While he started this, his dad and I went to the café across the street and ate pie.

We talked too. It was a good talk. I need to think about some of the things he said to me; maybe put some of them here so I never forget them; like many of you parents; he has had years of dealing with his sons addiction and his own related issues.

We were waiting for him when he was done. Told him we had been across the street. He remarked about us going to relax and eat pie while he had to see the Dr. But the tension breaker came when his dad told him that if he was ever to come home and find one of us lying on the floor dying because of an overdose; then it would be us getting our heads examined while he ate the pie. And another OMG moment – we brought him a piece of pie anyway.

Me and the RABF had a long talk when we were alone back at his new place. I told him all about my anxiety and asked him tons of questions; and in the end he asked me to do what you guys have been saying all along; let HIM handle this; don’t obsess, don’t try to figure out the puzzle of why, don’t feel responsible, don’t feel guilty, don’t worry all the time; Treat him as normal like I had been doing when I thought he was “fine”; expect of him normal things; don’t let him off the hook; don’t change who I am to try to accommodate what I think he needs. And if he fails me then let him go.

Somehow hearing him say that freed me…..I know ….hearing HIM ….say that freed…. ME. Not good that I felt that way…….

Yesterday, He did what his dad asked him to do.
He turned his medical power of attorney over to his dad & his best friend for the next 3 months. Went to his family doctor and set up weekly drug test with any failed test being reported to them. And went for another session with the psychologist and accepted the 3x week proposal; with an agreement that they will be informed if he misses any appointments.

This was really difficult for him. And Im proud of him.

Today is our Christmas Eve and tomorrow is our Christmas……

….and I finally get to see whats in those boxes under my greenish/brown tree ….especially the one with the silver bow …it makes a sound when you shake it.


That is my story of Recovery. The 3 months are almost up for my BF… he is doing perfect. But there are lots of changes headed our way soon. Im sure I will be needing the support of SR through parts of it.

If my story can truly help anyone in anyway... then Im glad to share……..
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:39 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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my story...hummm, had a boyfriend that was off drugs for 5 mths...i do to this day believe he was clean...but started noticing things off...realized months to follow was drinking and sneaking it at all times(in the car mostly, so i did not see)....i knew, and i felt it...something had changed....

he left me PERIOD
left a Dear John letter....in plain simple words..."I do not want to take you down with me..."...thank god i was not his hostage...he was in so much pain, and he needed help, but that was for him to decide...not me...

dont know where he is today...i hope he is well
for me...thank god i got a clean slate...working on my own recovery...sure did OPEN my eyes...

maybe that is what we are trying to show you here...is to OPEN YOUR EYES...and stop the denial and the merry-go-round...

please find Nar anon or Al anon meeting....it would so help...
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:28 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
To be clear this is for anyone who it might help…yet specifically to kelly because, there are absolutes in this…

1. You know nothing if it isn’t yours
2. Hopping on ( in your head ) the using not using train will bite one in the ass.

3. If each side does not work totally on themselves then there is no chance at any together.
4. This is one of my favorites and a good question for everyone to ask themselves are you so sure you know what functional is, what healthy is?
5. Another one of my favorites. No answer is found about yourself if you constantly are asking all questions through another, what they are/aren‘t doing, what their actions mean or don‘t mean, why they react this way or that…looking at your reflection is a start, looking with brutal honestly will save you above all else.


.
Thank you so much for that list!! I agree with all of those. My background is that my RABF used pain pills for 7 years. He has been clean for over 2 years. I also have other family members (including my mom) who are drug addicts and alcoholics.

My additions:
- I think also for me was to get out of my head the idea that everything would just be better if the addict stopped using. It's like I thought that all of the problems were due to the drugs. It took out the equation that the addict was using drugs because he wasn't dealing with other problems. So, when he stopped the drugs, he had all kinds of emotional things to deal with. These were the things that he had been avoiding while on the drugs.

It's not like there is a magical switch between the person on drugs and off drugs. After RABF stopped drugs, the habit of lying continued for awhile. It took awhile for him to become a more honest person. So, newly clean, he was still lying about important and unimportant things.

- recovery from anything involves work & time. I have been coming to SR for several years now. I have read lots of books on codependency, and read ACOA stuff daily. I learn more about myself all the time. I have good days and bad days. My life is better than it was when I first started coming to SR. However, it is not magically better. I can at least say that I am in a better place now than I was. It doesn't mean that I'm fixed.
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Old 03-20-2012, 10:03 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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I am not one for "statistics" but all one has to do is take this forum, contained as it is, and see that it is more an exception than a rule to get a "happy ending" when dealing with addiction. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:11 AM
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Adding to what cynical posted, I rode the pink cloud each time my daughter was in recovery. I thankfully continued to work on myself during the good times, figuring out how I became a classic codie and how to prevent that in the future.

I never realized how consumed (addicted) I was to other people and their issues, until I stopped doing it. When I look back at my earlier posts, they were all about my daughter. When I think back to a thousand conversations with friends, that had nothing to do with addiction, they were mostly gossip, complaining and rants.
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:41 PM
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Bluebell, great addition, all that magical thinking, if they would just stop using like that was ever the problem! And then they do stop and everyone around is still insane…kinda goes to what cynical wrote.

And here they are now coming home clean to the family/loved ones just as sick if not sicker from months of doing nothing but waiting still consumed in all that are they, are they, are they ... what are they, doing thinking, feeling ... and this is so saturated in sarcasm ... because obviously the addict is the problem…

Maybe another added to the list should be you are only a victim once, after that YOU ARE ALL IN THE GAME! Oh the things that are allowed ... that would be an interesting thread, not all that what they did to, but what one allowed.

Fourmaggie, if you ever see him again you might want to thank him.

Number 3 sure has perks and what a win, win, if together doesn’t happen you still gave yourself a great gift and being healthier you live your life totally different, and the view does change….especially when you get to the real good part and you stop giving up power to stuff that ain’t worth the time of day, worth the bits of your soul that goes with the power. There are lessons way past the detachment, acceptance and letting go, and healing really good ones and they get better the more time out of the madness.

And then there is even more, giving us the gift of our time, carries to our children, healthier parents, raise healthier children.
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Old 03-20-2012, 10:20 PM
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This thread has been a doosey. I bet you seem like you are being pulled in two directions, but you have also had support and some wisdom, as have I, just reading through it.

I am older (but not ancient) so of course my first thought was, “man, here is this wonderful young woman going through this Bull S***. Find a better guy. I know you can, girl. What! No job, and lives with mom at 27, problems with drugs. He better look like Jonny Depp (well, that’s who I would pick). Anyhow, I also understand how love can be, and how you don’t want to leave someone you love; someone who is in recovery if there is the chance that things can be good someday.

With that being said, it seems like one common ground here is that every one advises, myself included, to get help for yourself, do the things you love to do, and take care of you. I hope in following that advice the answers will come to you.

In closing, I have to say that some of these people were, I should say, are key in helping me through my darkest hours, and SR has helped/helps me immensely.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:20 AM
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
To be clear this is for anyone who it might help…yet specifically to kelly because, there are absolutes in this…

1. You know nothing if it isn’t yours ( real tough pill to swallow for some, me included ), and this is important! Everyone can assign and speculate and wishful think away and even set something as a truth, but you still don’t know if it isn’t yours.

2. Hopping on ( in your head ) the using not using train will bite one in the ass. It isn’t about if they are using or not using … but what you can and won’t live with, tolerate in any respect, what you need, your dreams…what you are willing to do for yourself to have the best chance of knowing what you want and need in your life.

3. If each side does not work totally on themselves then there is no chance at any together. You can not be in a relationship with anyone in a healthy way if you are not taking care of you first….Oh and to add to that most with good recovery under their belt find they now have different relationships with everyone in their life, not just the one who happens to be an addict… this tends to be an absolute whether addiction is present or not, to have a happy healthy relationship you need to be happy and healthy within.
And this just isn’t about being with friends, doing nice things for yourself, having you own things and hobbies you like to do, anyone can justify any distraction as good for them … it is about understanding who you are, what makes you tick, what destroys you or lifts you up. It is about knowing what it good and not good for you own soul, knowing what you will not compromise of your own soul for anyone … about being able to love yourself, be comfortable alone, and at peace within….oh and once you find recovery for you then there is no wrestling with what to do, what not to do, you know, you just know.

4. This is one of my favorites and a good question for everyone to ask themselves are you so sure you know what functional is, what healthy is? Very few when they do look at themselves only ( when they do the work ) find they are here by accident there is always something internal for each action and reaction, for each new bottom one watching will aspire to… so I ask in general are you so sure you know what functional means, what is healthy as opposed to not healthy in any relationship you might have.

If you grew up in a home with abuse present (physical or mental), or had a parent who was an alcoholic/addict/codependent….If you lost someone to addiction, if you suffered some traumatic event when young, if you were an addict in your own right …This is a good starting point to finding some answers for you, to help you heal and guide you … the saying let it begin with me, isn’t around without good reason.

5. Another one of my favorites. No answer is found about yourself if you constantly are asking all questions through another, what they are/aren‘t doing, what their actions mean or don‘t mean, why they react this way or that…looking at your reflection is a start, looking with brutal honestly will save you above all else.

Surely there are many more things people can add through the experience they gained finding themselves. These above helped me to save myself...
Incitingsilence,

Thank you for sharing these things which have helped you in your journey. I just saw where you had included the note where you were directing it to me personally.
So I thought I should reply; even though I did already post some about my personal experience in recovery from codie-ism…..

Many of your points relate to the “self” and I think this is very important.

I feel that we all are products of our environment, our experiences, from things we learned as a child; growing up; with knowledge shared by our parents…..

I am fortunate that I came from a very stable family. I was never the victim of any abuse. There were never any addiction issues in my family; not drugs, not alcohol or anything that caused harm. My parents were married for over 50 years. They set a very good example for me as to what a relationship should be like. My parents were best friends. They were partners in life and in love. They treated each other with respect, kindness, thoughtfulness. They valued compromise, and never going to bed angry.

They taught me to have good values, and high standards. They also taught me to love freely, to have compassion, to respect and have empathy for others; for their journey might not be like ours. They taught me to believe in myself, to respect myself, to have goals and dreams, and they instilled in me the courage to pursue these things.

I was always taught to be independent; to be able to take care of myself emotionally, financially…. Because we never know what might come our way in life. No life goes unscathed… we are hit with unforeseen disasters from time to time, we fail, we are disappointed by people, we can even be betrayed by those we love.

People make mistakes, I was taught to forgive, to forget, and if necessary to let go. We are responsible for ourselves; and we are ultimately responsible for how we are treated by others; because we always have a choice.

But my parents also taught me that if you truly love yourself…. And you feel safe in who you are…. Then you have no reason to fear sharing the treasures in your life. You don’t have to cling so tightly to yourself that you become self centered; closed off, and incapable of feeling for fear of getting hurt. If you love yourself then you can let these things in, and you can also let them out.

By subscribing to this philosophy, I can say with confidence that the choice I made to fall in love with a man that has underlying issues with “self” leaves me with no regrets.

MY BF was not as lucky as I was; his journey in life has had a lot of bends and breaks starting for him at a young age; and the damages to “self” are what I believe has caused him to abuse drugs. This philosophy is what his treatment is centered around; the focus is on healing “the inner self” and not just treating the symptom of drugs. I wont go into the whole concept of his recovery here; because this forum is predominately based in 12 steps; and other views are often criticized; and discussion sadly leads to locked threads.

Interesting fact I discovered, the model of AA, NA treats addiction as a chronic disease. This encompasses many things: cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes…… overall the success in relationships for people with any type of chronic disease is dismal. So this would mean families of drug addicts are not alone with this statistic.

Thinking about this made me recall a memory …..one time when I was in the chemo room with my mom; we were chatting with this sweet middle aged woman; she was hooked up to machines that pumped lifesaving medicine to her body. She talked about how her illness was just too much for her husband, and that he had left her shortly after the diagnosis. She said they had been married for years and it came as a shock right when she was at her weakest moment. But then she laughed and said she guessed she just wasn’t that much fun to be around anymore; and that she didn’t have the energy for the social life they once had. She seemed resolved. I felt bad for her; but yet deep inside I felt worse for him.
Still do.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:18 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Kelly,
If it were your sister (if you have one), friend, or someday even your daughter, would you advise her to date a recovering cocaine addict only sober 2 months? If so, would you advise her to stay with him after leaving a bar with another girl, doing drugs all night, and then overdosing, and all this after she was only dating him 8 months? Is this high standards, and self respect?

I honestly feel like this behavior e.g., allowing yourself to be treated like this, and knowing it is highly possible it will happen again- cries out for help. I am fairly sure your friends and family probably say the same thing, but I guess everyone is wrong, and I hope for your sake they are.

I know you said that you have enough love to give to others that have not had it so good, why not volunteer for a charity that doesn’t involve your love life?
Not to be Captain Bring Down, just being real.

Lastly a respectful request:
Please stop the negativity regarding the 12 steps; this is a 12 step approach forum that reads:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
12 Step program- for all who love someone who is addicted to drugs, whether they have admitted a problem or not. Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict, through the 12 Steps.


I personally believe there are many ways to recovery, and what works for one may not work for another. No one in here is saying you must follow the 12 steps, and not everyone here does. No one has ever forced the 12 steps on me in this room, ever.

take care

This is definitely my last post on this thread, whew.
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Old 03-21-2012, 03:01 AM
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December,

If rule number one if accepted; we cant know whats not ours. *

In my case, meeting my BF was a happy accident. As I stated, with no history or background in drugs, or drug use... I didn't take his number of days into consideration. I just evaluated the man before me as he presented himself. *I don't regret that.*

I would suggest to any of my friends that they do the same. However I would also now suggest they make an effort to learn about addiction; something I did not do at that time; and they use this to also form their decisions.

I dont have to defend the truth that I know...I had a really happy, satisfying relationship with my BF for the first 8 months. If I hadn't been happy; why would I have continued with him; makes no sense.

I could have allowed his relapse to make me feel insecure. But the truth is; his actions that night had nothing to do with me; the drugs, the girl, the breaking of many laws.... they were all a carbon copy of the way he used to live. *He relapsed into his old pattern of behavior. *

I forgave him. *He made a commitment to step up his game and work harder on his recovery, we've also worked really hard on our relationship, and as I stated earlier...I fell into severe Codie ways....and I've worked hard to find my way back out. *My life apart from my BF is still a-ok too. *I'm happy again. So no I don't think I've disrespected myself, or lowered my standards.*

I can't predict what his outcome will be; I personally think he is doing really well and I'm proud of him.*

My friends who loved him, then hated him, now love him again. *Of course it helped when he took my one and only male friend with him to that Superbowl football game. *My friends can be bought I discovered. *Made me laugh.*

My dad is very fond of my BF; we spent the weekend at my dads recently and they sat around and talked, BF helped my dad out with some work that needed to be done, while I cleaned and cooked. *We had a great time together. My dad trusts my judgement; his advise is the same as always; take it slow. My dad is very wise.*

Also December, I'm not criticizing the 12 steps; I said I won't discuss my BF alternative treatment philosophy because it leads to too much disagreement. *It's unnecessary and not beneficial to anyone.*
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Old 03-21-2012, 08:42 AM
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She talked about how her illness was just too much for her husband, and that he had left her shortly after the diagnosis. She said they had been married for years and it came as a shock right when she was at her weakest moment. But then she laughed and said she guessed she just wasn’t that much fun to be around anymore; and that she didn’t have the energy for the social life they once had. She seemed resolved. I felt bad for her; but yet deep inside I felt worse for him.
Still do
.


Kelley, for some reason it often seems like your language/outlook/opinion on how people deal with the addiction in their lives (theirs or someone they love) somehow comes off as personally insulting or superior. I have had my replies removed a couple of times because I have reacted, and I hope this one does not get removed...or worse I get a "mandatory break". Sometimes I am reacting out of my own personal hurt and other times I am reacting out of a sense of group consciousness. This is because I think sometimes that your messages can be shaming...especially to the newcomer.

There are two things being stated in your message above which I just would advise a new person, or a "relapsing codie" to consider.

One, is that there seems to be kind of an idyllic childhood described, which is great! However none of us need a perfect childhood to be compassionate, loving, forgiving individuals. There have been a few posts here which almost seem to describe a false correlation: that forgiveness/compassion/love/happy endings EQUALS staying with the addict. For many people here the misery that they continue to endure is NOT healthy. And it is NOT healthy for the relationship/for ANY relationship. There are many members here who describe how the fact that people finally "let go" of them helped them to gain clarity enough to get into recovery in a serious fashion.

YES, I subscribe/believe in the disease model of addiction. Different diseases require different treatment.

This is the second point...your final remark on the post about the husband leaving the wife at her weakest point. This comment can be so shaming and damaging that I cannot believe the moderators do not comment on it. And if I disappear it is because I retorted. Because this is one disease that is backward from any other disease I know. The people here who decide, with anguish, despair and a broken heart, to finally DETACH and LET GO because it is probably the absolute best thing they can do...do not need to hear some comparison to a man walking out on his wife because of her disease. Just because it is a disease does not mean that the support and love needed is that of a loved one...in fact it is very highly probable that the opposite is true. Codies are like sugar to the diabetic.

Please, for the health of this site and the group, please look inward and see if you are judging those who have had to walk away. I feel judged and shamed by you. Your comparisons really seem to speak to the idea that your "compassion, love and forgiveness" are what makes your "happy ending" come true. As though the others here who do not have the same outcome have failed in their capacity to do so...
this is codependency think.
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Old 03-21-2012, 09:23 AM
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well...
I do think that discussing ideas concerning love, forgiveness, compassion, and the disease model, letting go and detaching...

all apply to the original post
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:45 PM
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Everything you wrote Kelly will be part of how you do or don’t trap yourself. It works both ways, no matter how we grew up, what values we are taught, and what we maybe weren’t all play into our reactions to them, and those reactions help us in the end figure out our whys…the important ones in the mix. Our reactions also help teach them from the first time we react to the addiction, but that is a whole another insanity.

You have a few things going against you in this moment.
Forgiveness is awesome, it keeps our souls healthy. But to forget, oh now that one, well there are things that if I forget I will be back in my own hell real quick. Hence my need for strong boundaries.

Also you might want to watch your view of him, how he wasn’t as fortunate to have a childhood like yours….another bad place to be. He will be a victim to it, or survive in spite of it…don’t play any pity party games with him, or see him as not capable because of it. And yet accept it did make him into something, what that is, time will tell.

I feel that knowing drugs personally helps and hinders it depends on the state of the person to begin with. This is a never forget for me too, my knowledge here personally keeps me in a good, stable, healthy place.

Tread carefully and take good care of you above all else.
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Old 03-22-2012, 11:42 AM
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IncitingSilence,

Thank you for your reply. You are right on so many levels.

I will freely admit that one of my most vulnerable areas where BF is concerned is cutting him slack because I feel bad for things that have happened to him, and I allow it to become an excuse for mistakes he made in the past.

He didnt have a bad childhood; but his mom died when he was young. He didnt have any addiction, or abuse or anything like that going on within his family. I personally think his dad pushed him too hard to excel in certain areas, but lots of dads do that especially with their sons. The thing that brings out the most sympathy for me is because his little boy died.

And what you said about they learn from our first reactions... Im guessing you meant they learn what they can get away with , what we will tolerate.. and your right about that also. To be honest, I know that if he wanted to start going behind my back and using again, he could most likely get away with it for a long time without my even knowing, until it started affecting his behavior towards me - then I hope I would realize. So you are correct in this - that Im making myself wide open for big hurt... if he chooses to take advantage of my trust.

Anway, thank you... letting it sink in. Im slow.
Kel
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