claren

Hi All,

I am new, finally coming to terms with the fact I need some help. So fed up of
hangovers, feel guilty and beat. Drove to buy another bottle of wine last night and then had a whisky, I hate whisky, really hate it. something changed and now I have nothing but agonizing turmoil over being able to control my drinking. Truth is I don;t want to drink anymore, I have been drinking since I was 14. Now at 38, i'm suprised im still functioning. I'm a high functioning drinker, can't use the word 'alcoholic'. Need to get reall. How did you all come to accept being an alcoholic? I think if I accept this and it is crazy I need to 'accept' it, the truth and reality is pretty clear, I can move on with acceptance. Any stories and advice would be great.
I'm on day one here and need to not drink. Been through several detoxes last one was three weeks ago, used Benzo's, need to stop before I need medical assistance to detox again. Everytime I stop and detox I drink harder, it seems to get worse and worse anyone else have that problem. Feeling like crap and don't want to go on like this. Urch hard wired for the damn stuff...
Haven't asked for help before so here goes..... Thsnks

Dazee

Hi claren,
Welcome to SR! It's possible others would consider me a high functioning alcoholic. Good job, well regarded in my field, closet drinker, no legal problems, etc...
But I was drinking 10 beers after work and a case on the weekend.

It took a while to accept it. I kept blaming everything else in my life for my drinking. As those excuses started to fade away it became more and more obvious that my drinking was the problem, but I felt I couldn't stop. Didn't want to stop despite the fact that I was miserably hung over all the time and hated my life. Hated everything and most everybody including myself. From that point it became easier to admit I am an alcoholic.

Good that you are here. Lots of information and support around you.

Purplecatlover

Welcome Claren! You're amongst friends here. We've all been where you are. Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic but if you're trying to control it, chances are its really controlling you.
There is lots of helpful information here.
I started be reading excerpts from Under the Influence & AA's Big Book. You can download BB online. Really helped me identify myself & help me stay sober.
I wish you the best & pray you'll find a home here.

desertsong

Hi Claren, and welcome to SR.

For me it was having to take a really close look at my drinking and how it was effecting my life. Basically, it was destroying everything that mattered to me. In addition to that, it stopped being enjoyable. It no longer made me feel good and it got to the point where I needed to drink as opposed to wanting to drink. If I didn't drink, I was sick, but then when I did drink, I was not functional at all. I blacked out every time I drank, woke up with wicked hangovers, then had to drink more in order to feel better. Very vicious cycle. Every time I detoxed and got some sober time, I would relapse and go right back to where I was in a shorter period of time and I would be even worse. It was no kind of life for me, and if I was ever going to get better, I had to acknowledge that I wasn't a "problem drinker" or a "heavy drinker" ... I was an alcoholic. It was actually very freeing to admit that to myself and it paved the way for change.

I would add that your life doesn't have to be in shambles (i.e. no job, loss of spouse/family/relationships, etc.) for you to be an alcoholic ... many alcoholics maintain jobs and family life in spite of their addiction ... but my feeling is, if you think you're an alcoholic, then you probably are. Only you can decide whether you are or not.

In any event, you will find much support here. Lean on us when you need to - that's what we're here for. We've been there.

Scolova

I ended up with no friends, no co-workers (didn't work), few family members (that'd actually care if I live or die), I was dealing with multiple heart palpatations and close to having withdraw seisures daily, plus the anxiety, confusion etc..
So for me, accepting that I was an alcoholic was not such a hard thing. So glad I finally did something about it. Admitted Defeat and Quit.

claren

Hi Dazee,

Thanks for that. Sometimes I think it is horrible being a high functioning drinker, holding down a good job, getting drunk in the evenings, working through hangovers, doing extra work to get through the guilt... I keep thinking I need to lose everything before i have a real probem. I have been drinking for so long I sometimes think my mind just won't function without the stuff, but I will get sick already have some problems. No one at work knows about my drinking and like yourself I drink 'quietly' although the family feel the impact. Although I want to stop drinking for good, I can't say this with confidence, did that happen to you? How long sober are you? Thanks for your support.

langkah

It's good you're taking a look at this, because until we understand we have a problem we've no need of a solution.

The reason it's hard for an alcoholic to make that admission is because we instinctively know that it means we're going to have to give up alcohol, and that's a scary proposition when we feel it's holding us together and we'll feel awful without it and have no fun ever again and wouldn't know how to refuse drinks and what about wedding toasts and our friends drink, and, and...

The usual perceptions and thoughts we have about what life is like sober are false. The reasons we believe we need another drink are false. Our heads are stuck in a version of Nickelodeon's 'Opposite Day' because in order to keep killing ourselves and screwing up our lives it takes a whole lot of endless warped perception and rationale.

You've now taken a peek behind the curtain, where you couldn't bear to look 4 weeks ago. In that glimpse of the truth you saw the direction you'll continue to head in unless you alter your path.

Hope you'll stick around and listen and observe here. And keep thinking about this.

awuh1

Alcoholic is a WORD. Like all words people have different experiences with it, so the meaning is slightly different for different people. I like the definition that involves the persons ability to control their intake. Can you stop after 1 or 2 drinks? If not then ....... call it what you will.

But even with a definition like this there is an "emotional charge" attached to the word. As the parent of any young child understands, language begins at the end of the index finger.

claren

Thank you, desertstrong, I really appreciate your support, wish I wasn't so damn stubborn and could get that feeling of freedom. The thought of staying sober just fills me with dread yet I know it is the best thing for my family and my health which isn't good. Great to know this support is here... It is very encouraging to read everyone stories.

eJoshua

I don't know. I think I always knew I would be an alcoholic. Literally I remember the first few times I got drunk I realized instantly: someday I'm going to have to give this up.

Fortunately, it happened sooner rather than later for me (I'm 26) and I am very thankful to be sober with a long life ahead of me still.

So maybe I'm different than some people, but I always knew I was an alcoholic. What I had to come to terms with was the fact I had to quit drinking -- that was the hard part for me.

claren

Hi Scolova,

Oooh I like that, so simple, admitted defeat! I think that's it right there. I can't win, there is nothing to win only lose. Now I just need to figure out how to do that, admit defeat with sincerity. I have tried so many times to give up and failed miserably.
In the last 26 years I have only spent two years without drinking. I want to get to the point were it feels good not drinking, expereince life without guilt and confusion and I am so fed up of tonight I drink, tomorrow I won't, blah, blah, it always leads to the same... a hangover.
Thanks and I am very pleased to be here it really helps.... and I am trying.

MsJax

Hi Claren, I know for me only, my moment of clarity came one day about a year ago when I woke up in the morning after a not particularily bad drunk (just an average day), and realized I was hanging onto everything by a very thin thread. I had had issues for many years with my drinking & even had a long stint (6 years) of sobriety. Anyhow, I woke up and knew that yes I am an alcoholic & that's ok. What is important is what do I do about it. My life was a mess & I was getting old, sick, fat & ugly. My house was a mess & so was my work. So, I admitted to two trusted people that my life was unmanageable & I needed help & that I was powerless over alcohol. It was probably the most important day in my life, just an ordinary March morning when I realized if I wanted to live, my love affair with drinking had to be over. And so it is.

InsertNameHere

Hey Claren,

My moment was sometime in November as that is when I joined here as well. I drank every evening, about 15 beers a night, like you I thought I was fine, I have a good job, enough money, no legal trouble. Then I got a promotion that involved more freetime coupled with more responsibility to do things "on my own", it didn't go well. I used that free time to drink more and more. then I realized it and tried to stop, that didn't go well either. That was when I realized it, and I came here. After that all you need to know is in my threads, but the short version is that I got a lot worse once I realized what was up and started trying to quit. I would stop for 3 days then drink more than usual for 5-7 straight then try to stop again. It drove me nuts. In my mind I knew I was an alcoholic when I tried to quit and couldn't. Right now I am on day 5 using AVRT and it is working for me. If you want to know about it check out the secular connections forum and click on the AVRT link. I am not recruiting or anything just offering you the option that seems to work for me. Like I said though I am still working on it, if the proof is in the pudding I still have the ingredients on the table so to speak.

claren

Hi Langkah,
YUP... It is scarey and it does hold my tattered curtains together
I started so early I almost think I am beyond help, which is very negative, if I can just get it under control...That's not going to happen. I can't figure out when it went wrong, the truth is I think it has always been wrong. The first time I drank at 14, it was at my girlfriends house, everyone was drinking vodka and orange juice, what did I do, drink nearly the whole bottle and end up in hospital. From that day on it was the same. Sometimes I wonder how i'm standing. Thanks for the support, much appreciated.

aasharon90

I admitted I was powerless over alcohol
and my life became unmanageable 21 yrs.
ago while in rehab. It was then I was handed
the tools and knowledge of my alcoholism,
steps and principles to incoperate in my
everyday life as I was then set on a path
of recovery and a journey of a lifetime.

Surlyredhead

There was a long time when I wouldn't accpet that I was an alcoholic, then, once I realized I was one...I didn't care! I truly believed that is why I could not get any sober time. Then the time came...that I was so tired...SO SO tired....I gave up fighting with the Alcholism. Clearly it had won, I couldn't fight against such a powerful opponent.

It was then, that I had to ACCEPT tha fact that I was an Alcoholic, and drinking would never be an option. Only then, was I able to wave the white flag....and surrender.
That was a few 24 hours ago, today, it is just a small part of who I am. I am a Mom, an employee, a daughter, a friend...a pretty darn good person (if I do say so myself!)..and an Alcoholic...it just is!!

Claren you never have to feel as bad as you do today again. This is the beginning of the life you were ment to have. You are not a bad person because you have a problem with Alcohol. You CAN do this. We are here, and we understand.

Cathy

Firehazard

ACCEPT That is the key word for us all here I think. Even though our paths to the realization that we have a disease is different. This might not be as entertaining as some like but for me I had to go to AA for help. When I got ahold of the basic text of AA also known as the BIG BOOK I related to most of the stories that outlined what thier definition of what a alcoholic is. I would suggest you do the same. It may be your life on the line

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE TO START

langkah

Know what you mean. I started at 12, was one of those instant alcoholics too, just loved it and lost control out of the gate. Those of us who start young often need to stop earlier than the average.

You're young enough to enjoy much of your life sober, and sober is way better than what goes with our drinking. I did the AA thing at age 28 in '82. My kid did the AA thing at 20 in '02...hmm, we have an age/sobriety year reverse thing going I just noticed.

Anyway, it seems to take some efforts on a continuing basis for us to change enough to allow us to stay sober continuously, hope you find something that works well.

sugarbear1

The first time I drank alcohol, at the age of 9 (I was cleaning up after holiday dinner and finished everyone's drinks, or I would pour my own when I was asked to make one for an adult--we did this in the '60s) I found out that alcohol did things for me that I couldn't do on my own. This is when I began my drinking. By the time I was 16, and my friend and I would dress up and go out to a dance bar, alcohol was a weekly thing after "work" as I was employed in a retail store. In fact, I had made money by the age of 9 babysitting; I was a very responsible child and always made my own money. I was awkward in social situations, hated high school, always felt "less than" and always had a couple of close female friends. It was when the legal age was 18 for alcohol. We never got "carded." by the time I turned 18, that place began "carding us," but we were legal, so we were also able to go to other places, too.

Alcohol allowed me to relax, have a "good time" whatever it did, it did it well. It worked throughout college, although my friends found some other thing to get high with, I had my limits because I did have preferences (I'm have an uppity background and I have my limits, or so I thought), or I felt I'd really like something that already had a bad reputation. Pot and coke were in the picture. Actually, I had not liked pot in my younger years, but still dabbled with it. Long story, but soon enough, I found how my body reacted and sometimes I stayed awake to write papers, other times I smoked pot to clean (yeah, I loved to clean with that buzz). Always thinking I'd stop, I began my teaching career. Never let go of those things, see, alcohol was now often in the mix a lot more than it had been.

Fast forward 14 years and I was still doing the pot and alcohol, had given up all coke [in a weak alcohol moment I learned how to freebase, then ended up buying crack, lost my career after 20 (11 years ago) years along with everything I had worked hard for, including losing many family relationships]. I stopped the coke (second time) but continued to drink because I couldn't deal with what I had done to my life. Yeah, I'm smart.

25 years after attending my first AA meeting, alcohol finally stopped working. The time came when I surrendered. Life was horrible drinking, so I ended up not drinking one, two, then 5 days; this is when I practically ran to a meeting of AA. Life not drinking was as bad as drinking. I was between a rock and a hard place. I needed a new solution, and I had been to AA in my past.

I consider myself a real alcoholic, like the one described in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, although I never had the shakes or any bad withdrawal. It wasn't the first time I had tried to stay stopped, but so far, it's been the last time.

I have an awesome sponsor in my life who explains everything well. "Alcohol was my solution, now the steps are my solution. Drinking has little to do with alcoholism, it was the way I dealt with my alcoholism. I'm a garden variety drunk, plain and simply stated."

Complete surrender was when I fully accepted my alcoholism. Today, I am grateful to have a new solution. Today, I am no longer the problem because I am learning about me.

The words don't matter to me today. It's about living, about action, about responsibility.

suffering0605

Hi Claren,
Im only on Day 2 but i can relate to your position. I became an alcoholic at age 13, im going on 27. I realized im a hard core alcoholic when i physically NEEDED to drink. I would wake up several times through-out the night just to take a shot so i could go back to sleep. I would take a couple shots in the morning before work just so i could concentrate. My purse was full on an everyday basis of the mini 1oz shooters. I never got drunk until after work, but i needed the alcohol just to function. I would drink to the point of black-out atleast 4 times a week. Im in a court mandated AA program, and i've risked going to jail bc i showed up tipsy. My life was really out of control. Every relapse is worse then the last, bc your addiction is deeper. Im currently on medication for the alcohol withdraw (Librium and a bunch of vitamins to help me through the next couple days). I was going to check into a Detox center today, but i stopped by an outpatient city-sponsored clinic, and they allowed me to come home with the medication(MUCH more comfortable). I think its great that your sick of the alcoholic lifestyle, thats how i made my decision to seek help. Its not really living at all. I was pretty much commiting a slow suicide. I really hope you consider Detox. I tried to do it on my own without the medication, and that was a really bad idea. I thought i was going to die. With the medication, i just feel a little out of it. I know im only on Day 2, but please stick around. Lets put this sick lifestyle behind us and find a better life!