Lost3000

Hi everyone! Another poll! haha, love them.

I'm 35 days sober now. I've been keeping close with home and husband the last 35 days. We do a lot, go out to restaurants and movies, but we are best friends. He knows what I'm going through and is totally supportive.

A girlfriend just invited me to a girls night out next weekend. Some of you might recall that I spoke about a group of friends who invited me out to a bar. When I told them that I quit drinking, they changed gears quick and said, hey, how about dinner? Well, this girl is one of them.

In her invite, she says, let's talk girlie stuff then go do whatever, dinner, a bar (yikes - no no for me), café, or movie.

She knows I'm not drinking, but she has no idea that I'm an alcoholic. I am not ready to share that with her, just that I'm not drinking. I love her for the fact that she's trying to hang out with me in a non-alcohol environment. The other girls drink though...

Which leads me to my question. I'm a bit nervous. This would be my first outing, and I'll have to be prepared if they want to go to a bar - I cannot do that. Any of the other mentions I can wholeheartedly do. I also don't want to be the one keeping them from a bar outing. And, there will be some time spent at her house with all of us just hanging. So....

Should I decline? Go, but be armed with the possibilities I will have to bow out? Opinions! Vote! Thanks!!

Dazee

Maybe be proactive about some great new cafe in town and suggest going there. As the plans progress you can decide if you want to go. Give yourself permission to bow out at any time if you are not comfortable. You come first!

Terminally Unique

I'm not going to tell you what to do in this particular situation, but you can't hide out in a bunker your whole life just because you quit drinking. Alcohol is everywhere, and I'm not in the "run away from everyone who drinks" crowd, since eventually you will have to be around it. It might not be a bad idea to go to a bar with your husband (as opposed to friends) at some point to get over that particular fear.

Lost3000

But, but, I do want you to tell me what to do! LOL

OK, I'm not hiding out, honestly. But 35 days is very fresh for me. And hardly my "whole life". I'm not running away from those who drink or afraid of them - but am trying to avoid major hotspots like bars, since bars were exactly where I hung out on a nightly basis. I thought what I have been doing is common sense. At least for the beginning of my sobriety.

Lost3000

That's a great idea!

Here's my fear of a very awkward situation. I go over there, and everyone leans towards a bar. I then explain why I'm not interested in going to a bar, then uncomfortableness ensues. Worse, I leave because they are going to a bar, therefore making them all uncomfortable!

I thought about talking to my friend beforehand, but it still brings about awkwardness.

I just don't want to be the one to put a damper on everyone else's fun. It's not their problem I quit drinking!

Terminally Unique

It's your call, but I tend to think that if you have good reason to be somewhere (not just drinking), then there is no problem. As I said, possibly better to go to a bar with your husband first if you are still scared, though. That would give you a good idea as to whether or not you can handle yourself. In my case, I have always had alcohol within reach, and saw it every day, since day one. Still do.

Lost3000

Hmmm, scared is not the word I'd use for my feelings towards a bar. It's like someone with a severe candy addiction. They quit, then 1 month later decide to hang out at Willy Wonka's. Just not the best idea.

I know that many are around alcohol every day (bartenders, liquor store workers, etc.), but I am not. I feel that I could handle myself, but that it would not be an enjoyable experience. If it was a cafe or restaurant, even with booze around, I'd be fine. Bars are totally different experiences. Pretty much everyone there is there to drink.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Dee74

I absolutely agree that we can't hide ourselves from the world forever - but it's a lot different placing yourself in those situations at one month than it is at 6 months IMO

I had to work up my sober muscle cos it was pretty much wasted away.
I waited until I felt I was ready to face any eventuality - & I'm glad I did

D

Ghostly

I don't understand what the question even is. Clearly from your posts you are nervous and uncomfortable about this invite. Why go? You are 35 days sober, that is very early. When you get more comfortable with your sobriety, you have the rest of your life to do these things. When is more comfortable? When you don't have all these questions and concerns.

My opinion is to get some time before being in these situations. Good luck with what you do decide and congrats on the 35 days! That's awesome.

Lost3000

Hi, the question is in the last paragraph I wrote. It is not a bar outing exactly. Its a girl outing led by a friend of mine who supports me. The event is not yet outlined other than to hang at her house and then go out - and not necessarily a bar. That is why I'm considering going. If it was a flat out invite to a bar I'd have the sense to decline this early on in my sobriety. Hope this makes sense.

Thanks for the good thoughts!

Ghostly

^ Well, yeah I got that. I didn't mean the question thing literally. Sorry, wasn't trying to sound harsh. My point is the same though, you sound concerned that there is a chance that it could end up at a bar. So, just seems safer to skip it all together.

Lost3000

You made my point exactly on hiding from the world and also not going to a bar right now.

What I can't decide is whether I want to accept the invite as the decision is not made as to where they are going. It might be a bar or dinner. We are going to hang at her house and then decide.

PoppiesInJuly

This has already come up twice in my short 3 days. Both were somewhat planned before I decided to quit.

I decided to make something up in both situations. One was a legit excuse, and the other quite bogus. I am just not comfortable coming clean with everybody yet. Also not comfy hanging out in a bar. Not ready.

In both situations these are some of my favorite ladies. One is my BFF, and the other two, other moms I have gotten pretty close to. None of them have "problems" the way that I do, but I know they will all understand when I tell them, and be happy to do other things when we go out.

I think it really depends on the person, but I don't think it would be a good idea for me, personaly.

Lost3000

Oh! Sorry, didn't mean to be redundant. I misunderstood your post. And I didn't feel you were being harsh. I did ask for opinions!

Good point. I am concerned it'll end up at a bar. This is a fairly new friendship, although we've been acquaintances for years. I don't want her to think I'm blowing off her invite. And she does know I quit drinking.

Lost3000

Yeah, I am thinking of declining, saying I already have plans. Just until I'm more stable and confident.

I found a coffee house/bar/restaurant, they are having flamenco that night. I'm thinking of suggesting that.

There are a lot of art houses like that in my area.

mirage

Ok, since you don't know exactly what the night will entail, and you don't want to feel awkward about bowing out if they decide on a bar, I say decline this one. Next time you'll only be stronger and maybe they'll decide where they're going before you go out to meet at a friend's house. It would be good to know what to prepare for now that you're not a drinker. Good luck!

PoppiesInJuly

Yes! Perfect. I bet they would love to do something like that. I know my friends would. There are many good coffe houses that have live entertainment.

I think at some point, I'll be comfortable going to dinner with them at a place that serves wine and be okay with them ordering wine while I have a bottled water or something, but I'm not there yet, lol.

At the same time I don't want to force them to do something other than they were planning, so for now, I'm sitting it out.

You are quite a bit further than me in your sobriety, but it's still pretty early. I think you should only do what you're comfortable with.

And may I add, thank goodness for understanding, supportive husbands. We are lucky to have people so close to us to open up to.

Congrats on 35 days!

Dee74

Maybe it's just me, but I always like to know what a night will entail.
I've done my share of Magical Mystery Tours, and my adventure cup overflowed a long time ago.

I think, in early recovery, you really need to know, or you opt out this time....you don't want to end up somewhere you don't want to be.

D

instant

If it is a casual dinner/ gathering is offering to be the designated driver an option? if not I would make an excuse if it is a high risk situation for you.

justhadenough

I understand totally. I'm also 35 days in and have not yet been into a bar and genuinely don't think I could. Well more to the point I wouldn't want to go into a bar if I couldn't drink. That's just me though. I suppose much depends on how much you do socialize in bars/meet your girlfriends. I tend to meet mine in the day for coffee so the situation has never arisen.

I agree with TU though-we can't hide away forever. Maybe suggest a restaurant and see what their response is. If they then want to go on to a bar you can go home, say you are tired. It would be a shame to miss the night out. I also think going to a bar and testing the water with your husband first is a great idea

wishing you the best of luck with your decision.