Windblown

We went to the jail to visit my son. He kept crying....something he never does. I told him we were there to tell him we loved him. Then he lifted up his shirt and said he got stabbed. There were two five inch wounds...one on his shoulder and one on his hip. I was horrified. He said he was at Salvation Army and a man took his plate of food and then stabbed him. We asked him what his plans were when he got out and he asked if he could come home. I couldn't speak and tried to hand the phone over to my husband who shook his head no...it was awful. In truth, I wanted to tell him yes but the deal was no. So i said for now you need to get into a recovery place and I have a list of places you can go. Then my husband got on the phone and said remember when you left last time after detox because you did't want to follow the rules and you went back with the cell phone with all the drug dealers and took your car? Remember what I told you, that if you did that, you could not come back. He cried and said yes, that that was a mistake. He said he hadn't used drugs in three weeks. I think he was telling half truths. I wanted him to come home in my heart but all the tough lovers tell me No. So last night we got a call from his half sister who said my AS called her, was out of jail, and headed to Atlanta, where his meth-addicted loser Father just got a house on 30 acres. I immediately called the jail as he is not supposed to get out until Dec. 10. They said they released him today to go get his stitches out because the state of NV is so broke they can't pay for medical or accompany the inmates. But he has to be back Thursday at 10am to finish his time or there will be a warrant for his arrest!

He told half sister he was leaving today. So I lost my son again. And yesterday I decided to accept my Mother's 15,000 and send him to the nice rehab because obviously he is not going to make it on the streets if he gets stabbed. I wrote him a five page letter and told him after rehab and a 60 iop he could come home. But now he will never get the letter. I told God if he wasn't supposed to get this letter, I'd let his will be done. Guess he was't supposed to get it.

I wish I had told him after he went to a rehab he could come home but I was so shocked by the stabs and the crying and I couldn't think right. I started crying this morning and my husband got mad. See, your AS wins again. Now you're going to be all upset for the next 10 years because he left...my husband kept threatening to leave the house if I let AS back in.

I wish I had said something different but my sponsor told me...all he wants to do is live at your house with no rules and do drugs. He's not ready. He wouldn't have heard you say he could come back after treatment...because he doesn't want treatment. My husband says he's sick of all of this and he's going to have fun and screw all that NA Naranon b.s. He feels my son conned him and he did....he wrecked my husband's truck.

I feel like I lost my son all over again. I feel that my son doesn't feel wanted because we wouldn't let him home when he's down and out. But I told him part of growing up was making choices and he had to deal with the consequences.

I told my son how much he was loved and all the people that are praying for him. I can't believe Mesquite jail just lets inmates out like that! Now my son probably feels unwanted .....but does he understand why? Why didn't I say all the right words. It's just hopless. I tried, I really tried...but tough love lost me my son. It was either my son or my husband...sometimes I wish they'd just cut me in half and each take a side. My husand is not in recovery, but I am.
Should I try to contact my son before he leaves and tell him he is making a horrile decisio. My sponsor says No.

He was even going to get massages at the fancy rehab...he could have gotten better but I was told not to offer that one. Let him go to the state funded ones. I give up. Now he's headed for an awful Father that he ran away from a year and a half ago. My husband is so angry...I'm crushed.

Just got him back after all these years oly to lose him to addiction.

suki44883

Windblown, I am so sorry this is affecting you this way. I know it hurts when our loved ones make really bad decisions and continue to make them. This is what he is now doing. You offered rehab and he doesn't want it. He would rather go back to a father he already ran away from, knowing that he will have a warrant out for his arrest. He is still making bad decisions because he IS NOT READY to stop.

All your offers of help will do no good because he is not ready to stop. Because you won't do the one thing he wants, which is to come back home and have no rules and continue to do as he pleases, he spits at your offers of rehab. He is not ready and none of it is the fault of your husband or you. He will either reach a point where any help at all will look like a million dollars or he won't.

Habit

My heart broke as I read your post.

God bless you and your family.

Prayers going up.

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - I, too, am sorry he's making another bad decision. This isn't your fault, sweetie. You didn't lose him to tough love - he was already lost to addiction, and it's up to him to want recovery.

Even though I pretty much shut my family out when I was using, I still knew they loved me. Your son knows this, too. There are parents here who had their child living at home, only to find them dead of an OD in their room. I could have chosen to come home and live with the rules. I didn't want to. I was choked, had cheek-bone and collarbone busted, was dumped 11 miles from the 'hood after getting raped, and I still chose the drugs and the lifestyle that went with it. I never filed a police report on any of this, as I knew I wouldn't testify, too busy smoking dope.

It was my dad threatening to call my P.O. and knowing I was going to go to prison that finally had an impact and I've been clean ever since. Yes, I do still live at home, but I'm in recovery and have been. My niece has been sheltered from consequences her whole life. She is angry, likes to drink, and I'm the only one in the family who sets boundaries. I've been "home" when she's under the influence and wants to fight. I've been "home" when my stepmother got locked up for trying to pass a fraudulent prescription.

I live in dysfunction junction, and there's not a damned thing I can do about it, except work MY recovery and let others deal with there's (or lack of). Is it hard? Extremely. I can't leave, though, because I'm still dealing with financial/career consequences of MY addiction.

Addiction is ugly, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy

Justlizzyd

Windblown,

As long as he has breath, there is hope. He is lost in his addiction. You cannot make him want recovery. God is able to take care of him even with a meth addicted father. Turn him over to God. Just remember, no matter how much you love your son, God loves him even more. He is able.

Love hugs and prayers

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Wind, My heart and prayers to out to you to give you peace. This is the most difficult walk you will ever make, I know it tears you apart. Letting go is never easy. Please keep going to meetings, keep posting, keep seeking help. Things will get better but today feels like an eternity.
Love and best thoughts going your way,
Teresa

useyourwords

(((windblown))) i am so sorry for how you are feeling, but it sounds like this is just another sign that he is not ready. i am sorry if i sound like a pessimist or a broken record, but the fancy expensive rehab would not have been a fix, it would have been a waste, because he simply is not ready to do it for him -- so not ready that he is willing to risk additional jail time by skipping town. his actions are a result of his addiction, NOT a result of feeling unwanted.

cynical, i appreciate you so much because so often things i am thinking after reading a post i then scroll further to see you have already written it and always done so in the most perfectly concise way! i would agree that the stabbing was connected to drugs. my ASis was stabbed (punctured her lung), her car was shot at, and countless other "random" acts of violence over the years. there was always a story about how she was a random victim, that things happened while she was doing nothing wrong at all. this of course was never the reality -- it was violence associated with the drugs/drug deals/etc. again, i hate to sound like a pessimist, but i know it helped me when i started looking objectively at the situation: we lived in the same city (me in a FAR worse part of town, her in suburbia with my mom). i worked in a high risk job, in the worst neighborhoods, etc. and yet, she was always happening to be the victim of "random" crime/violence and i never was! ha, funny looking back how long it took me to put that together. but any A will know how to twist those stories to be a source of sympathy and manipulation for those of us who love and care about them. she twisted the stories for so long and so much that i think she started believing some of them herself.

be strong. your son knows you love and care for him and are praying for him. you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your son.

laurie6781

Cynical beat me to it.

He got stabbed for sure. The 'story' of how he got stabbed is very suspect! I suspect it was over drugs and NOT a food tray at the Salvation Army.

I truly believe your HP protected you in this one, and your Son's HP is giving him all the rope he needs to find his 'surrender.'

Since he has no money, unless his A father Western Unioned him some, he's not going to Atlanta, he's going back to Vegas.

In the meantime ........................ as much as you are hurting right now, you have given your son his 'dignity' to make 'his own decisions' no matter how wrong those decisions seem to the rest of us.

Remember, we are walking with you in spirit!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Windblown

Thanks everyone. My sponsor told me, and so did the cop that the stabbing had to do with a drug deal. I just hope he sees all of this with clarity some day. There is a chance he may go back to jail on Thursday and compete his sentence and read my letter but I doubt it. I would like to call him but sponsor says No.

Wonder if Jesus would have let him back in the house? I'm not religious but I did have a dream about Jesus months ago in which he taught me about forgiveness and unconditional love. It was a lucid dream and I knew immediately to get up and call my step-daughter and wish her a Happy Birthday. I just wonder if I had said Yes...you can coe back home...if he would have gotren help. But then I would lose my husband because my husband said I'm not leaving you...but I'm going to get an apt. for three months and take all the valuables out and when this thing blows over, I'll come back. My husband has tried to help my son repeatedly, my son doesn't listen. I don't blame husband...an he's not the bio father...but I know he loved my son.

I appreciate everyone here so much and all your comments eased the ache in my heart. It makes me angry the ex who screwed him up so bad has now intervened so he can screw him up some more. My AS was at a point when he may have gotten low enough to get the help we shoed him. But maybe not. He never sad I want help...just an I come home. My husband said all the tears and the fact that he had to lft his shirt up and show me the huge scars was another way of conning me. It worked. I noticed after we told him about the resources for help....he stopped crying. I still can't see past that sweet little boy. He even said Yes Sir to the cop which made me so hppy that he has good manners. We were brought up in the South where they teach manners, unlike out here in the west where the kids are rude and disrespctful. I hate it here. I want to move. What if whoever stabbed him is looking for him...ybe that is why he went to Mesquite....but 80 miles in the wrong direction with a friend? And what appened to his car? Answers I may never know, and don't evevn matter.

If I called him and told him about the nice rehab, and hecould come home after that, and to go back and finish his jail sentence...would that be caring or caretaking?

I've had one or two legal issues in my life that scared the death out of me...how can someone run and have a warrent against them? That's crazy. But my husband said if the state of NV is so broke they let inmates out for three days jst to gt stitches removed....they won't bother looking for him for two petty larcenies in a state 3000 miles away.

I'm glad you all said he knows we love him. Maybe God intervened with the letter not getting to him. After I sent it I did pray for his will to be carried out. I hate tough love. I'm broken. But if I had let him back in, I may have regretted it.

If he's being hunted...will the dealers come after us? I wish he would tell us the truth. Shoud we put a sign on the grage door that my AS moved? No. I want a new life.

Thanks guys. Shock is my life....shock and chaos coming out of nowhere....ever sense I was little. What will happen next? I am never prepared...I go mute...too much...can't talk.

MsPINKAcres

((wind))

please know that this is said with love, compassion and understanding from a mom who has been walking this road for a long, long time. . .

If your words could have helped him, they would have already reached him months or years ago. . .

We didn't cause it
We can't control it
We can't cure it

My daughter is in jail for the 5th or 6th time - there is absolutely NOTHING that hasn't been said or done for her - she is 32 yrs old, mother of 3, highly intelligent, beautiful woman ~ who is allergic to alcohol and drugs. As she said during one of her sober times "Alcohol and pills make me break out in handcuffs." Did I mention what a funny sense of humor she has?

But all of that is hidden by the disease and I can't help her find her way out! I am way too closely involved - she has to do that with the help of her HP, a program of recovery and other people who have walked a similiar road as she has.

I just keep praying and taking good care of me & my own program! That's what others have told me is the healthiest & most loving thing I can do - I pray that you are able to do the same!

Prayers & PINK HUGS for you & your family!

Rita

cc88

My family is a large, very closely knit, and very spiritual family. Well, I should say I call myself spiritual and their word for it is Christian. Things with my addict brother are coming to a head and in wake of the whirlwind he's set off as of late, my sister got the whole family together to share and discuss.

My sister is in the same struggle you seem to have touched on. Would Jesus have closed the door to my brother the way that I (and very surprisingly some others of my family) have suggested? We're a family with a legacy of an open door to ANYONE so they are finding it difficult to see that cutting contact with him is at all okay.

All I can say is that Jesus said "Go and sin no more" He didnt say "Hang in my house and keep using drugs"

In the end if we all end up answering for our lives, we wont answer for anyone's but our own. For your sake, for your husbands sake, try to see that God wants us to be loving and compassionate, yes, but he doesnt will that the evil that is addiction should WIN and keep you in the dark place my family finds ourselves in.

So sorry to read all this. Prayers going out to you.

Impurrfect

(((Wind))) - if you told him about the nice rehab, that he could come home? Didn't work for me. My dad offered to go into debt to put me in rehab. I could have gone to a FREE rehab where I lived. I didn't want it. My "rehab" consisted of being locked up (on a warrant that I had avoided for a while), for almost 6 months, where I worked every day and had to pay rent to be in custody. I thought that was enough. Nope, 1-1/2 years later I'm in another city doing the same stupid stuff.

Rehab isn't a cure. Jail/prison isn't a cure. Death? A possibility. No matter how much YOU want him in recovery, until HE wants it, it's not going to happen. You can read of several of us "double winners" here - each one of us had families that finally said "enough". If you were to talk to anyone in recovery, I seriously doubt that they would say "wow, I found recovery because my parents made it so easy on me". No, what you hear is "I'm so grateful to my family for letting me hit bottom, dig a really deep hole, and figure a way out of it" (my thoughts).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

My daughter finally had consequences I couldn't fix, and that's when she chose recovery. I still don't know what those consequences were, and don't want to know them, either. All she's ever said is that it was a miracle.

Windblown, I'm saying a prayer for a miracle, for your entire family.

Habit

cynical one, your post reminds me of a poem that I wrote years ago.


God Has a Little Lamb


God has a little lamb; her fleece is white as snow.
And everywhere that God went, the lamb would surely go.
The lamb found new friends one day and God was no where near.
And before the lamb did realize, was trapped in sin and fear.

God has a special purpose that only the lamb can find.
But away from God’s presence, the little lamb is blind.
The lamb is in a desert filled with anger and despair.
The lamb has been deceived and thinks that no one cares.

The lamb’s heart is stubborn departing farther and farther away.
The lamb does not realize there are consequences to pay.
The lamb has become the devil’s captive, who is delighted to destroy,
The lamb of God who turned away to seek worldly joys.

The devil does not grasp God’s power and His grace.
God seeks out the little lamb…He knew the right place.
The little lamb can hide from everyone far and wide.
But God is more than able to bring her back to His side.

The lamb is bruised and broken due to her sin and shame.
God calls out to the little lamb…He calls her by her name.
The little lamb had forgotten that the Shepherd keeps His own.
He never leaves or forsakes; she has never been alone.

I am the earthly mother of this little lamb so lost.
I know the loving Shepherd has paid redemption’s cost.
His blood has covered the sins the little lamb has sown.
Forever in His arms, He will…yes, He will carry her back home.

I have an oil portrait over my mantle with a Shepherd carrying a little lamb in His arms as He heads home.

Seren

Hi windblown,

Please try to breathe and stop the wheels that are spinning in your head.....it's like revving your engine in neutral. You will wear yourself out and get nowhere doing so....

My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict. His father has grieved for him, cried over him, provided him literature about addiction, begged, pleaded, negotiated all to no avail.

"Jr." has been in jail maybe 4 or 5 times.

Early on, his father tried to get him into rehab and he refused each and every time. He has had a car window busted, he has been tazered, he has had his car impounded and been homeless living in a downtown mission.

He now lives somewhere in another city and gets by working at seasonal jobs (or at least that's what we understand).

But he survives, and although his life may not be what any of us would like for him, it's his life. He will make changes in it when he is ready, and so will your son.

Hugs to you and prayers for you and your son.

Windblown

Thanks everyone once....again. So many lovely voices. I know my son is scared and desperate but he put himself there. I can't do anymore. I left a message on his machine that I knew he was out and that he was supposed to be back at the jail thurs. at 10am. I warned him of making yet another bad choice and that he could get help and turn his life around. There is nothing more I can do.

I have a good Naranon mtg. tonight. I'm too bummed to wear anything but sweats. I babysat for my neighbor's newborn. It was nice cuddling that little lamb....and it was sort of peaceful.

My son wants help...but he wants food, shelter and money and to live like he wants...my marriage is already shaken and that would sink it...and I can't help my son anymore...if he wants to make stupid, ignorant choices and wind up miserable...then that is his deal. I kind of wish he'd just go away. I know that sounds mean...but I'm angry today....and tired. I hate these shocks. Everyday something bizarre. Perhaps he has mental problems...though we did have him treated by a pdoc. who gave him anti-depressants but also looked him square in the eye and said...you are not going to feel better until you stop doing the drugs...these pills won't help. He knew! My son said he was mean. Yeah...cuz he had your number and saw through your b.s.

I have been sad for weeks but now I am angry because he is going to defy the law and refuses help. Whatever.

I'm getting back onto my spiritual sun rays and letting God dealwith this bc it's way over my head. See you later...headed to a meeting early...can't sit here. Too mad.

I'll send prayers to all when I feel better. I'm too mad to pray right now. Life is...what...i don't know...just Life.

Thank you. I will re-read all posts again when I get home to cheer me up. You are all so wonderful!

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - I was afraid of anger, for a long time, but found it has it's purpose. I'm glad you got to snuggle with the newborn, and have a good meeting to go to...wearing sweats, my favorite outfit You'll be okay.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

OwlFeathers

******{wind}}}}}}. So sorry things are going this way. Much love, and healing prayer to you.

Heartbroken0608

Wind,

I am so sorry you're hurting but I think being angry could be a good thing. Lately I've been thinking the anger gene must have bypassed me... I should be angry at the things my son has done to our family but I'm not there yet. I think a little anger would serve me well. I keep repeating the three C's to myself. It's helping.

I too got to spend some time with a newborn today. My neice just delivered a beautiful baby girl about 4 hours ago. It was so nice to hold and rock such a precious bundle of joy. I thought I'd be sad but I wasn't. I smiled and felt truly happy for the first time in weeks. They also asked me to be the baby's godmother which was really nice.

Try to find some joy in your life. You deserve it. Our sons will find their way, good or bad, no matter how much we worry. So turn it over to your HP and try to find some peace for yourself.

Heartbroken0608

And... You haven't lost your son. He doesn't want to hear you right now because you're Not giving him what he wants. Deep down he knows you love him though, I really believe that. I know my son is very angry with me but I also know he knows I love him, even though he doesn't want to admit that (or should I say the drugs in him won't let him admit that). Being a loving mom doesn't mean you do whatever your kid wants, it means doing what is in your child's best interest even if that hurts you. By letting him feel the consequences of his choices you are doing what's best for him and someday he will thank you for it.

Now the tricky part...to follow my own advice.

You are in my prayers