Lost Him
We went to the jail to visit my son. He kept crying....something he never does. I told him we were there to tell him we loved him. Then he lifted up his shirt and said he got stabbed. There were two five inch wounds...one on his shoulder and one on his hip. I was horrified. He said he was at Salvation Army and a man took his plate of food and then stabbed him. We asked him what his plans were when he got out and he asked if he could come home. I couldn't speak and tried to hand the phone over to my husband who shook his head no...it was awful. In truth, I wanted to tell him yes but the deal was no. So i said for now you need to get into a recovery place and I have a list of places you can go. Then my husband got on the phone and said remember when you left last time after detox because you did't want to follow the rules and you went back with the cell phone with all the drug dealers and took your car? Remember what I told you, that if you did that, you could not come back. He cried and said yes, that that was a mistake. He said he hadn't used drugs in three weeks. I think he was telling half truths. I wanted him to come home in my heart but all the tough lovers tell me No. So last night we got a call from his half sister who said my AS called her, was out of jail, and headed to Atlanta, where his meth-addicted loser Father just got a house on 30 acres. I immediately called the jail as he is not supposed to get out until Dec. 10. They said they released him today to go get his stitches out because the state of NV is so broke they can't pay for medical or accompany the inmates. But he has to be back Thursday at 10am to finish his time or there will be a warrant for his arrest!
He told half sister he was leaving today. So I lost my son again. And yesterday I decided to accept my Mother's 15,000 and send him to the nice rehab because obviously he is not going to make it on the streets if he gets stabbed. I wrote him a five page letter and told him after rehab and a 60 iop he could come home. But now he will never get the letter. I told God if he wasn't supposed to get this letter, I'd let his will be done. Guess he was't supposed to get it.
I wish I had told him after he went to a rehab he could come home but I was so shocked by the stabs and the crying and I couldn't think right. I started crying this morning and my husband got mad. See, your AS wins again. Now you're going to be all upset for the next 10 years because he left...my husband kept threatening to leave the house if I let AS back in.
I wish I had said something different but my sponsor told me...all he wants to do is live at your house with no rules and do drugs. He's not ready. He wouldn't have heard you say he could come back after treatment...because he doesn't want treatment. My husband says he's sick of all of this and he's going to have fun and screw all that NA Naranon b.s. He feels my son conned him and he did....he wrecked my husband's truck.
I feel like I lost my son all over again. I feel that my son doesn't feel wanted because we wouldn't let him home when he's down and out. But I told him part of growing up was making choices and he had to deal with the consequences.
I told my son how much he was loved and all the people that are praying for him. I can't believe Mesquite jail just lets inmates out like that! Now my son probably feels unwanted .....but does he understand why? Why didn't I say all the right words. It's just hopless. I tried, I really tried...but tough love lost me my son. It was either my son or my husband...sometimes I wish they'd just cut me in half and each take a side. My husand is not in recovery, but I am.
Should I try to contact my son before he leaves and tell him he is making a horrile decisio. My sponsor says No.
He was even going to get massages at the fancy rehab...he could have gotten better but I was told not to offer that one. Let him go to the state funded ones. I give up. Now he's headed for an awful Father that he ran away from a year and a half ago. My husband is so angry...I'm crushed.
Just got him back after all these years oly to lose him to addiction.