hello-kitty

I'm sorry you are dealing with a son who is doing this to himself and manipulating and hurting you in the process. But I think you are getting stronger. I'm glad to see that. You can't fix him. You can't cure him. You can't control him. He's doing what he wants.

He reminds me of my ex... my ex treated his family like crap. He manipulated them. His mom fed into it and constantly tried to rescue him and save him from his choices. It just made him worse and it made her a psychological disaster. So please stay healthy. Please make wise choices to distant yourself from him. His sickness is contagious. Addicts get hooked on drugs. We get hooked on trying to save them from drugs. Really there's not much of a difference.

My ex used to say "I want what I want when I want it, and I will do whatever it takes to get it." That's what addicts think - about drugs and the associated lifestyle. And when they are ready, they will think that way about their recovery. But they have to want it. Bad. Someday your son will get it. And the sooner he loses all his enablers, the sooner he may choose recovery.

Remember that the other people in your family need you just as badly, if not more, than your drug addicted son. They need you to be healthy and whole. And if your son was able to care about anything besides drugs and a dealers lifestyle, that's what he would want to.

cece1960

Windblown, this is something worth reminding yourself of daily, if you feel yourself slipping back into what I call the "dark hole"

He has choices, and has chosen to spend some time on his own. Its not something you or I or any mother would have chosen for him, but he is making decisions and learning the consequences.

My son isn't living a great life right now, but he's living his life, rather than trying to live what I had planned. I realize now that all of my good intentions and chasing him only let him know that I was perpetually disappointed in him.

Let him find his own way, as you find yours.

(((Hugs)))

lesliej

Sometimes it helps me to think of the addiction as a really nasty demon, and it is so f'n hungry that it just wants to eat thoughts, feelings, hearts, souls and lives...
being linked in the system as an enabler just adds food to the fodder.
I told my addict once that I refused to feed my heart to that demon.
My tears, anger, hurt, worry, attempts to control, to check in, to find him, to run around town, to call his friends looking for him, to wait up all night for him, to get him out of jail, on and on and on...all of my energy spent in such codependent fashion just fed the demon. like a giant octopus that tried to snake its way into the system and attach its suckers. I visualized enablers detaching from the suckers...and how the giant demon octopus would eventually weaken because the food system was shutting down...

Weird? perhaps. but the metaphor helps me visualize.
even the psychic energy following him down the imaginary road...feeds the demon.
hold your heart in its sacred place. you have not lost your son, you did not do this, he is stolen away right now.
hopefully he will find his way back. you did not lose him. he is lost...it is his life he is lost in right now, not yours. you are alive and well in your life, live there...don't let the tentacle stretch all the way to GA. get yourself strong, healthy. we need you.