Separated from AH & am OKAY! :)
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Separated from AH & am OKAY! :)
My updated story:
First of all I want to give a BIG virtual hug to Impurrfect and Laurie 6781 (and Rose) who were just amazing, who are still amazing to those who are hurting here. You give wise words of wisdom without ramming it down people's throats... you exude kindness and warmth that I will always be grateful for!!
xo!
I was in a relationship with my soon to be AH for 4 years. He suffers from an untreated mental illness (his choice). It was thought to be he was/is bipolar, but now I'm thinking he could have sociopathic tendencies as well.
Very sad.
Last year in June, his aunt who was only 60 years old, died of internal melanoma after being diagnosed with it 6 months prior. It devastated us both but the real hell didn't come until he inherited almost $200,000.00 cdn. (btw, the $ is all gone)... ;( He went on major spending sprees, bought a truck, bought a harley davidson, spent spent spent... and me, I just worried and nagged and bitched at him how we needed to save this money.
I wasn't working last year (nor this year). I had applied to go back to school last September to get my Management Certificate in Graphic Design and because of my AH's aunt's death, I was able to go. My whole schooling cost around $25,000.00 and yes, I am forever grateful to have been able to do this. I just finished this past November with distinction and am taking December off to regroup and rest my brain, soul and heart.
During the entire time I went to school, my AH was either going from one job to the next or just sitting at home doing nothing. He is a carpenter and a very smooth talker so he got jobs (really good ones) at the drop of a hat. Keeping them was another story though. I think from last June (2010) to November (7th was when he left for good), my AH went through 3 jobs, 6 relapses and moved out 3x.
I was amazed I still did as well as I did... and yes, the $$ helped tremendously. This however, was not lost on my AH as when was in one of his moods (after I was trying to encourage him to get off the couch and go look for work): "What about you!? When are YOU going to look for a job?" Didn't matter I was going to school full-time, or that I was taking care of all his aunt's estate stuff (was the Executrix)... I was being lazy period.
I have had anxiety issues even before meeting my AH and of course, they only got worse during our relationship. I was in constant 'fear'. I was in constant 'turmoil'. I was obsessive and controlling and ... well, you name it in the co-dependent handbook and I was it!
I would call bars to see if he was there, I would go to bars to pick up the car so he wouldn't drink and drive, I'd sit there at a bar he liked to frequent (and apparently is living above it in the hostel now) and just stare at him drinking and being the life of the party with all these other alcoholic, older men who were on the road to nowhere fast. They all LOVED my AH and some of them said to me how lucky I was to have him!! Others however, when my AH would 'go to the bathroom' or go 'have a smoke' would look at me incredulous and say "What are YOU doing HERE!?!" --- They even went as far to say that I didn't belong there (not mean, but with this tone of, man, get as far away from here as you possible can. You are better than this!).
My AH however, loved it there and loved being the center of attention. It got to the point this past summer where he was going there all the time. He then, got a job up north to make really good cash. The company even flew him up and gave him free room and board. Would you know it though, 2 1/2 weeks into his job, he fell down a flight of stairs in the house where he was staying and broke his right arm in 3 places. Our insurance flew him home and it went REALLY to hell after that.
He was told that he was eligible for Worker's Comp. and since there was little/no money left from his initial inheritance, he did NOT want to share this $$ with me at all (I was just lazy remember)... - so he intentionally tried to pick fights, would go out and not call or even come home until early hours of the morning (or even the next day). I started to hate him... I started to hate my life even more and really wanted to end it all. I contemplated suicide but didn't have the strength or desire to really do it. I just wanted to go to bed and never wake up.
However, I started to change. Bit by bit, I stopped caring where he was or what he was up to. It took him treating me like crap (calling me names, ignoring me, judging the way I looked and how much I weighed) and then the constant pornography sites he'd go on to when I wasn't looking...
It all came to a head a few weeks before my art show (where the various programs would present their projects/portfolios to friends, family and industry people), when my AH and I were in bed and were attempting to make love (which was few and far between - once a month if I was lucky). All of a sudden, he's uncomfortable (bored?) and pulls out his Ipad to start surfing for porn right in front of me, saying that he wanted to spice it up a bit... so he started to masturbate to a video (without even looking at me)!
I was furious! He then stopped but wanted (demanded) to have anal sex with me... (like I promised when we were first engaged). I said no and was basically too disgusted to go any further with him. After that, he started to sleep on the couch.
This is around the time I think he started using drugs again (cocaine and/or crack). Sorry... keeping in mind he was always drinking (never stopped).
Every day, he'd go for a motorbike ride and would come back 6-8 hours later reeking of booze or some sickly sweet smell... I was getting further and further angrier and angrier and had to block all this crap out with him in order to finish my schooling.
The week before my show, my AH got really sick. Cold, flu the works. He complained, moaned etc., but every time I tried to help (make him soup or anything or suggest cold medicine or a neo-citran etc)., he'd just snark or sneer at me and ignore me.
The day of my art show (the most IMPORTANT NIGHT for me), he's all moaning and groaning still, so I said to him if he was really that sick, he should stay home and rest. He was ELATED! He dropped me off at the venue and the proceeded to go and buy video games which he played until I got home. He barely looked up to ask how it all went and then when I got angry, he 'reminded' me that I told him not to go...
He slept on the couch and I went to bed (furious). The next day, he gets up still 'feeling sick' but has this intensity about him and says he needs to go visit his mum who is going away on a trip for two weeks. So he hops on his motorcycle and drives for 1.5 hours to 'see her'. Nope. He doesn't even show up there, doesn't call and doesn't even come home until the next morning.
This is where something just 'cracked' in me and all my worry, anxiety and love for this man took a back seat. My AH comes in the door and proceeds to the livingroom, not saying anything to me. I go in there and tell him that I wasn't worried what he was up to the night before, I don't care and can't do this anymore. Silence.... so I go back to my room.
He comes in a few minutes later and says he wants to separate. It urked a little bit because I didn't say it, but I quickly recovered and said that it was a good idea he had. I wanted him out of the apt. as soon as possible and within 4 days, he was gone with two suitcases filled with his clothes, $13,000 in his pocket and a 'promise' of signing over the motorcycle into just his name.
He went directly to this pub of his where he got a room at the hostel above it and proceeded to buy and use crack for days. How do I know this? By constant emails while he was tweaking and being very paranoid.
I eventually called the police, opened up a file and told him to not call, email or come over at all or I would have him arrested. He tried emailing last week to say he got a place of his own and now wanted the motorbike, but I said that unless he passes a drug test, he isn't getting it. PERIOD. He was furious! Of course he was because he's run out of $$ and now wants to sell this $23,000.00 motorcycle for chump change. Forget it. I told him to go hire a lawyer.
That was the last I heard from him. He also disappeared off the grid (off facebook), won't answer his 'new' phone... actually, someone else has his phone now (some thug) - so his family says. They are all caught up in this madness right now as they are all struggling with their own issues. They refuse to let him hit rock bottom because they all feel he may die if they do. He may die anyway.
So while they have chosen to be sick with worry, anxiety, utter turmoil, I have decided to live in peace, in the moment and worry about my health and well-being. It took me my AH basically crapping on my most important eve and then going to 'use' the next day that made me realize that if he can't be there for me in good times, he's definitely NOT going to be there if/when things get tough.
So, I got tough... and now he's gone and I'm OKAY. I really am. I think I just need a little more mental and physical R&R and I'll be good to go.
I really hope he doesn't die...I pray he doesn't... but there isn't anything I can do about it. I have tried everything and what people say here IS TRUE: until they want help (really want it), nothing will work.
Peace and love to all,
First of all I want to give a BIG virtual hug to Impurrfect and Laurie 6781 (and Rose) who were just amazing, who are still amazing to those who are hurting here. You give wise words of wisdom without ramming it down people's throats... you exude kindness and warmth that I will always be grateful for!!
xo!
I was in a relationship with my soon to be AH for 4 years. He suffers from an untreated mental illness (his choice). It was thought to be he was/is bipolar, but now I'm thinking he could have sociopathic tendencies as well.
Very sad.Last year in June, his aunt who was only 60 years old, died of internal melanoma after being diagnosed with it 6 months prior. It devastated us both but the real hell didn't come until he inherited almost $200,000.00 cdn. (btw, the $ is all gone)... ;( He went on major spending sprees, bought a truck, bought a harley davidson, spent spent spent... and me, I just worried and nagged and bitched at him how we needed to save this money.
I wasn't working last year (nor this year). I had applied to go back to school last September to get my Management Certificate in Graphic Design and because of my AH's aunt's death, I was able to go. My whole schooling cost around $25,000.00 and yes, I am forever grateful to have been able to do this. I just finished this past November with distinction and am taking December off to regroup and rest my brain, soul and heart.
During the entire time I went to school, my AH was either going from one job to the next or just sitting at home doing nothing. He is a carpenter and a very smooth talker so he got jobs (really good ones) at the drop of a hat. Keeping them was another story though. I think from last June (2010) to November (7th was when he left for good), my AH went through 3 jobs, 6 relapses and moved out 3x.
I was amazed I still did as well as I did... and yes, the $$ helped tremendously. This however, was not lost on my AH as when was in one of his moods (after I was trying to encourage him to get off the couch and go look for work): "What about you!? When are YOU going to look for a job?" Didn't matter I was going to school full-time, or that I was taking care of all his aunt's estate stuff (was the Executrix)... I was being lazy period.
I have had anxiety issues even before meeting my AH and of course, they only got worse during our relationship. I was in constant 'fear'. I was in constant 'turmoil'. I was obsessive and controlling and ... well, you name it in the co-dependent handbook and I was it!
I would call bars to see if he was there, I would go to bars to pick up the car so he wouldn't drink and drive, I'd sit there at a bar he liked to frequent (and apparently is living above it in the hostel now) and just stare at him drinking and being the life of the party with all these other alcoholic, older men who were on the road to nowhere fast. They all LOVED my AH and some of them said to me how lucky I was to have him!! Others however, when my AH would 'go to the bathroom' or go 'have a smoke' would look at me incredulous and say "What are YOU doing HERE!?!" --- They even went as far to say that I didn't belong there (not mean, but with this tone of, man, get as far away from here as you possible can. You are better than this!).
My AH however, loved it there and loved being the center of attention. It got to the point this past summer where he was going there all the time. He then, got a job up north to make really good cash. The company even flew him up and gave him free room and board. Would you know it though, 2 1/2 weeks into his job, he fell down a flight of stairs in the house where he was staying and broke his right arm in 3 places. Our insurance flew him home and it went REALLY to hell after that.
He was told that he was eligible for Worker's Comp. and since there was little/no money left from his initial inheritance, he did NOT want to share this $$ with me at all (I was just lazy remember)... - so he intentionally tried to pick fights, would go out and not call or even come home until early hours of the morning (or even the next day). I started to hate him... I started to hate my life even more and really wanted to end it all. I contemplated suicide but didn't have the strength or desire to really do it. I just wanted to go to bed and never wake up.
However, I started to change. Bit by bit, I stopped caring where he was or what he was up to. It took him treating me like crap (calling me names, ignoring me, judging the way I looked and how much I weighed) and then the constant pornography sites he'd go on to when I wasn't looking...
It all came to a head a few weeks before my art show (where the various programs would present their projects/portfolios to friends, family and industry people), when my AH and I were in bed and were attempting to make love (which was few and far between - once a month if I was lucky). All of a sudden, he's uncomfortable (bored?) and pulls out his Ipad to start surfing for porn right in front of me, saying that he wanted to spice it up a bit... so he started to masturbate to a video (without even looking at me)!
I was furious! He then stopped but wanted (demanded) to have anal sex with me... (like I promised when we were first engaged). I said no and was basically too disgusted to go any further with him. After that, he started to sleep on the couch.
This is around the time I think he started using drugs again (cocaine and/or crack). Sorry... keeping in mind he was always drinking (never stopped).
Every day, he'd go for a motorbike ride and would come back 6-8 hours later reeking of booze or some sickly sweet smell... I was getting further and further angrier and angrier and had to block all this crap out with him in order to finish my schooling.
The week before my show, my AH got really sick. Cold, flu the works. He complained, moaned etc., but every time I tried to help (make him soup or anything or suggest cold medicine or a neo-citran etc)., he'd just snark or sneer at me and ignore me.
The day of my art show (the most IMPORTANT NIGHT for me), he's all moaning and groaning still, so I said to him if he was really that sick, he should stay home and rest. He was ELATED! He dropped me off at the venue and the proceeded to go and buy video games which he played until I got home. He barely looked up to ask how it all went and then when I got angry, he 'reminded' me that I told him not to go...
He slept on the couch and I went to bed (furious). The next day, he gets up still 'feeling sick' but has this intensity about him and says he needs to go visit his mum who is going away on a trip for two weeks. So he hops on his motorcycle and drives for 1.5 hours to 'see her'. Nope. He doesn't even show up there, doesn't call and doesn't even come home until the next morning.
This is where something just 'cracked' in me and all my worry, anxiety and love for this man took a back seat. My AH comes in the door and proceeds to the livingroom, not saying anything to me. I go in there and tell him that I wasn't worried what he was up to the night before, I don't care and can't do this anymore. Silence.... so I go back to my room.
He comes in a few minutes later and says he wants to separate. It urked a little bit because I didn't say it, but I quickly recovered and said that it was a good idea he had. I wanted him out of the apt. as soon as possible and within 4 days, he was gone with two suitcases filled with his clothes, $13,000 in his pocket and a 'promise' of signing over the motorcycle into just his name.
He went directly to this pub of his where he got a room at the hostel above it and proceeded to buy and use crack for days. How do I know this? By constant emails while he was tweaking and being very paranoid.
I eventually called the police, opened up a file and told him to not call, email or come over at all or I would have him arrested. He tried emailing last week to say he got a place of his own and now wanted the motorbike, but I said that unless he passes a drug test, he isn't getting it. PERIOD. He was furious! Of course he was because he's run out of $$ and now wants to sell this $23,000.00 motorcycle for chump change. Forget it. I told him to go hire a lawyer.
That was the last I heard from him. He also disappeared off the grid (off facebook), won't answer his 'new' phone... actually, someone else has his phone now (some thug) - so his family says. They are all caught up in this madness right now as they are all struggling with their own issues. They refuse to let him hit rock bottom because they all feel he may die if they do. He may die anyway.
So while they have chosen to be sick with worry, anxiety, utter turmoil, I have decided to live in peace, in the moment and worry about my health and well-being. It took me my AH basically crapping on my most important eve and then going to 'use' the next day that made me realize that if he can't be there for me in good times, he's definitely NOT going to be there if/when things get tough.
So, I got tough... and now he's gone and I'm OKAY. I really am. I think I just need a little more mental and physical R&R and I'll be good to go.
I really hope he doesn't die...I pray he doesn't... but there isn't anything I can do about it. I have tried everything and what people say here IS TRUE: until they want help (really want it), nothing will work.
Peace and love to all,
It is SO great to hear you taking care of you. You will be just fine, in fact YOU will be fabulous!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Thanks very much anvilhead, Chino, Impurrfect and verylost! Yes, getting my degree was a very big thing for me and I'm really happy that I was able to complete it amongst the chaos. Yay me! 
Though I didn't cover it in my original post, I know that I played a big part in where I was over the past few years. Being very co-dependent, I turned a blind eye to gradual drinking, (one or two here)... hell, I even joined him a few times and yes, even once or twice after his 'recovery', I bought booze and drank in front of him, which caused him to think he could handle it. It should have been a 100% no booze/drug tolerance from the start and I realize that my choices were far from wise in this regard. Due to his 'gradual' drinking, it always led to pot, which led to cocaine, which led to crack... ;(
I was tired and angry and bitter from chasing him around by making sure he wasn't selling our things, trying to get him to take his medication, calling him constantly to check up on him, giving him an 'allowance' (he did not have access my bank account that had most of our $ in it) and putting up with childish and irrational behavior. I rationalized that since I went through all this garbage, I was 'entitled' to have a few drinks here and there even if it was in front of him. I now realize that it was wrong of me to do that. He was very vulnerable and I assisted in making it easier for him to slip back into his old patterns. I didn't cause his addiction (as the good book says), and I can't control him, but I DEFINITELY can control my self. This is the biggest lesson I have learned thus far. Controlling myself: emotions, what I say, how I act, what I think... I have control over me! Wow. It's very empowering.
I did find out from my MIL a few hours ago, that my soon to be ex-AH was admitted into a psychiatric ward in his home town today (1.5 hours away from where I live). He apparently took a cab there from the city here, went to a motel and used for a day or so. He went through almost $20,000 in 4 weeks - sold almost everything he had of value and now said he does not want to live.
I never thought I'd say this, but I am really happy he didn't call me and left me alone like I had asked him to. He did call authorities and told them he was in danger of harming himself... perhaps this is a good step for him... perhaps not. I will always love him and hope for the best for his recovery, and although I pray that he does get better, for now, I'm glad I'm out of his war zone and the chaos of addiction because it's my turn to finally take care of myself.
yay!
Though I didn't cover it in my original post, I know that I played a big part in where I was over the past few years. Being very co-dependent, I turned a blind eye to gradual drinking, (one or two here)... hell, I even joined him a few times and yes, even once or twice after his 'recovery', I bought booze and drank in front of him, which caused him to think he could handle it.
It should have been a 100% no booze/drug tolerance from the start and I realize that my choices were far from wise in this regard. Due to his 'gradual' drinking, it always led to pot, which led to cocaine, which led to crack... ;(I was tired and angry and bitter from chasing him around by making sure he wasn't selling our things, trying to get him to take his medication, calling him constantly to check up on him, giving him an 'allowance' (he did not have access my bank account that had most of our $ in it) and putting up with childish and irrational behavior. I rationalized that since I went through all this garbage, I was 'entitled' to have a few drinks here and there even if it was in front of him. I now realize that it was wrong of me to do that. He was very vulnerable and I assisted in making it easier for him to slip back into his old patterns. I didn't cause his addiction (as the good book says), and I can't control him, but I DEFINITELY can control my self. This is the biggest lesson I have learned thus far. Controlling myself: emotions, what I say, how I act, what I think... I have control over me! Wow. It's very empowering.
I did find out from my MIL a few hours ago, that my soon to be ex-AH was admitted into a psychiatric ward in his home town today (1.5 hours away from where I live). He apparently took a cab there from the city here, went to a motel and used for a day or so. He went through almost $20,000 in 4 weeks - sold almost everything he had of value and now said he does not want to live.
I never thought I'd say this, but I am really happy he didn't call me and left me alone like I had asked him to. He did call authorities and told them he was in danger of harming himself... perhaps this is a good step for him... perhaps not. I will always love him and hope for the best for his recovery, and although I pray that he does get better, for now, I'm glad I'm out of his war zone and the chaos of addiction because it's my turn to finally take care of myself.
yay!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
..." I think from last June (2010) to November (7th was when he left for good), my AH went through 3 jobs, 6 relapses and moved out 3x. "
Wow, does THAT sound familiar. My exABF moved out Nov 9th. No contact is definitely best. Got into some messaging two days ago and all kind of triggers and rage fired up. then, because I expressed anger I had to listen to blame. I have to be careful not to get twisted into the house of mirrors. Serenity for me is in no contact.
Stay strong...stay peaceful...in a place away from the addict.
Wow, does THAT sound familiar. My exABF moved out Nov 9th. No contact is definitely best. Got into some messaging two days ago and all kind of triggers and rage fired up. then, because I expressed anger I had to listen to blame. I have to be careful not to get twisted into the house of mirrors. Serenity for me is in no contact.
Stay strong...stay peaceful...in a place away from the addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Yes, lesliej, I concur... we truly don't know what serenity is until we are detached in a healthy and positive way for ourselves. I could not detach properly when he was at home... it took me 4 years to realize that he and I were not a good match at this time and may never be (especially if he decides not to get better).
For now I am doing what you are, staying strong, staying peaceful --- away. Hugs to all!
For now I am doing what you are, staying strong, staying peaceful --- away. Hugs to all!
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