Perspective gained at a funeral of all places
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Perspective gained at a funeral of all places
Went to a funeral of a close family friend today. Even though he and his wife are 40+ yrs older than me (they began as friends of my parents) I've become friends with them as did AH over the years bc we live near one another.
The husband died last week and was a man that made you feel special just for existing whenever he greeted you. He was loved by everyone (when he was alive not just now that he's died) and he and his wife have been this example in my mind of what a marriage should and could be but I never knew if maybe I was just naive to think they were as good together as it seemed and that in private it was no good.
The funeral mass was very non traditional which was just how he'd have wanted it. His wife and sons spoke about the kind of man, husband, father he was and there was a LOT of talk about the care and time and effort and intentional, conscious day to day choices about how he lived that made him the father and husband and friend he was.
He and his wife had a lot of hard times. A daughter who is an A, another daughter killed tragically in college etc... They didn't have this perfect life that would make it easy to be happy together.
I realized today that the love I felt between them whenever I saw them was 100% real bc every single word spoken about him today confirmed that my sense of who he was and who they were together had been right on.
His wife was raw and emotional and spoke beautifully about how he'd been her best friend for 50 yrs and how they'd shared in one another's lives fully bc they shared the same values and shared a desire to work hard to make life count every day together.
Anyway, I listened to this, there without AH (which was noticeable to many people and I fielded a lot of questions) which was hard and at a time when I know my marriage is beyond repair and was simultaneously sadder than I've ever felt and yet I also felt a weight lifted. The weight that was lifted was this: a teeny part of me HAS continued to believe AH's words that what I wanted in our marriage and what I want in life from a partner is too demanding, unreasonable etc... I've mostly let that go (believing him) but I guess I still had a bit of it in me. Today I realized, listening to people speak of my friend who died and his wife and then watching their sons with their wives and kids that the life I want is realistic, does exist and is something I've seen evidence of being "real" for a long time.
I am in no rush to enter a new r/s-- that's not what this is about. I just realized that the life I've wanted does exist in many people and settling for what is is NOT a way to live. I don't know when, but I know that sometime in this lifetime I will find a r/s that meets the standards I deserve and even though I won't have 50 yrs with someone as my friends did with one another, I will at some point have a life with someone that is rich and full and the kind of life I've deserved all along.
So, it was a sad day for many reasons but it also was a day that showed me there's life beyond AH and the hell its been living with him and I feel hopeful and actually eager for the future and all the positive that it is going to hold for me.
The husband died last week and was a man that made you feel special just for existing whenever he greeted you. He was loved by everyone (when he was alive not just now that he's died) and he and his wife have been this example in my mind of what a marriage should and could be but I never knew if maybe I was just naive to think they were as good together as it seemed and that in private it was no good.
The funeral mass was very non traditional which was just how he'd have wanted it. His wife and sons spoke about the kind of man, husband, father he was and there was a LOT of talk about the care and time and effort and intentional, conscious day to day choices about how he lived that made him the father and husband and friend he was.
He and his wife had a lot of hard times. A daughter who is an A, another daughter killed tragically in college etc... They didn't have this perfect life that would make it easy to be happy together.
I realized today that the love I felt between them whenever I saw them was 100% real bc every single word spoken about him today confirmed that my sense of who he was and who they were together had been right on.
His wife was raw and emotional and spoke beautifully about how he'd been her best friend for 50 yrs and how they'd shared in one another's lives fully bc they shared the same values and shared a desire to work hard to make life count every day together.
Anyway, I listened to this, there without AH (which was noticeable to many people and I fielded a lot of questions) which was hard and at a time when I know my marriage is beyond repair and was simultaneously sadder than I've ever felt and yet I also felt a weight lifted. The weight that was lifted was this: a teeny part of me HAS continued to believe AH's words that what I wanted in our marriage and what I want in life from a partner is too demanding, unreasonable etc... I've mostly let that go (believing him) but I guess I still had a bit of it in me. Today I realized, listening to people speak of my friend who died and his wife and then watching their sons with their wives and kids that the life I want is realistic, does exist and is something I've seen evidence of being "real" for a long time.
I am in no rush to enter a new r/s-- that's not what this is about. I just realized that the life I've wanted does exist in many people and settling for what is is NOT a way to live. I don't know when, but I know that sometime in this lifetime I will find a r/s that meets the standards I deserve and even though I won't have 50 yrs with someone as my friends did with one another, I will at some point have a life with someone that is rich and full and the kind of life I've deserved all along.
So, it was a sad day for many reasons but it also was a day that showed me there's life beyond AH and the hell its been living with him and I feel hopeful and actually eager for the future and all the positive that it is going to hold for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ahhh a "God Shot."
They are so wonderful when we get one.
You realized you are NOT crazy, even though he had you partly believing it. You realized that you are the 'normal' one (whatever normal is).
That is awesome!!!!!!!!
Prayers going out for your friend and family!!!!
Love and hugs,
They are so wonderful when we get one.
You realized you are NOT crazy, even though he had you partly believing it. You realized that you are the 'normal' one (whatever normal is).
That is awesome!!!!!!!!
Prayers going out for your friend and family!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
This friend sounds like he was a good role model, someone you could admire for the way they approached life and dealt with adversity. Maybe part of a generation that didn't complain too much and got on with things, a generation that had fewer material comforts.
I can identify with your aspirations, especially after having dealt with a lot of negative crap-It's to do with spiritual growth. I think funerals do get you to think about where you stand with regard to the rest of your life-and that's been positive for you, so it's never just an end really.
I can identify with your aspirations, especially after having dealt with a lot of negative crap-It's to do with spiritual growth. I think funerals do get you to think about where you stand with regard to the rest of your life-and that's been positive for you, so it's never just an end really.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You hold the key to your happiness in the palm of your hand, you have a choice, continue to grasp it tightly, or, use it and walk through that new door and experience a new life, a new you!
Lovely post, thank you!
Lovely post, thank you!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You know what was really nice? This man and his wife's son's are a bit older than me but close-ish in age. And their sons, their wives and their kids are all just as amazing as the Dad was...
I'm still rebounding kind of from realizing that the fantasy life that AH has told me for years was unrealistic, that I was needy and clingy for wanting etc... is actually something that people DO have and that the people who have it are neither needy/neurotic/crazy etc...
I am usually able to sort through what I am thinking/feeling and put it into words kind of clearly but tonight I am just jumbled and confused but in a good sort of way...
Oh another thought... Instead of realizing that the life I want is realistic and one I deserve and feeling mad at AH, this is what I thought of: I can have the life I want and I will and he can continue to believe it's ridiculous that I want that and that's okay. And perhaps there are different marriage happiness standards for everyone and perhaps AH's desire for utter independence and no shared life is something that he'll find in someone else and that's okay too. I'm not going to judge the life he wants anymore. I am just embracing the idea that the life I want is one I am going to find and I'm not judging AH's life (trying not to). We are all different and maybe there are people out there like him who don't need there to be a close connection with their spouse (my sister happens to be one of these types) . So, maybe some of the problem (in addition to his addiction) has been that all along I've been wanting him to be more like me instead of just accepting that he is who he is and I am who I am and being okay moving in separate directions (apart that is).
I'm still rebounding kind of from realizing that the fantasy life that AH has told me for years was unrealistic, that I was needy and clingy for wanting etc... is actually something that people DO have and that the people who have it are neither needy/neurotic/crazy etc...
I am usually able to sort through what I am thinking/feeling and put it into words kind of clearly but tonight I am just jumbled and confused but in a good sort of way...
Oh another thought... Instead of realizing that the life I want is realistic and one I deserve and feeling mad at AH, this is what I thought of: I can have the life I want and I will and he can continue to believe it's ridiculous that I want that and that's okay. And perhaps there are different marriage happiness standards for everyone and perhaps AH's desire for utter independence and no shared life is something that he'll find in someone else and that's okay too. I'm not going to judge the life he wants anymore. I am just embracing the idea that the life I want is one I am going to find and I'm not judging AH's life (trying not to). We are all different and maybe there are people out there like him who don't need there to be a close connection with their spouse (my sister happens to be one of these types) . So, maybe some of the problem (in addition to his addiction) has been that all along I've been wanting him to be more like me instead of just accepting that he is who he is and I am who I am and being okay moving in separate directions (apart that is).
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
WTBH isn't it wonderful to let go of judgments and expectations ...
Today I had lunch at work and XABF was next to me..
I felt some anger but I thought "this too shall pass... in.. 20 minutes" and it did pass. And I was in this restaurant at a terrace, the trees were still green, the sky still blue, the sun kept shining for everyone, for me too. Yes, today is a new day. Right now is a fresh chance too. And I also realized I was the normal one, if XABF was not able to see me and value me, too bad... I am still me, with all my qualities, hopes, lessons learned... others can keep walking on their own journeys, we got ours....
Cheers and I am glad you were given clarity about your reality and your power - Hugs.
Today I had lunch at work and XABF was next to me..
I felt some anger but I thought "this too shall pass... in.. 20 minutes" and it did pass. And I was in this restaurant at a terrace, the trees were still green, the sky still blue, the sun kept shining for everyone, for me too. Yes, today is a new day. Right now is a fresh chance too. And I also realized I was the normal one, if XABF was not able to see me and value me, too bad... I am still me, with all my qualities, hopes, lessons learned... others can keep walking on their own journeys, we got ours....
Cheers and I am glad you were given clarity about your reality and your power - Hugs.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
This is awesome. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have lost two close family members in in one month. My sons girfriend's mother, and my ex-mother in law-both very strong mother/grandmother figures to my 26 year old.
I had such profound realizations during both of these women's deaths. My son and his girlfriend helped them both die. It was Holy to be with these women as they worked to leave this earth.
I feel so different-like I used to feel when I was helping women give birth at home. Like there is precious little time here. Like we are all amazing beings. It's hard to articulate I feel a sense of urgency and determination to be true to myself, more loving and less judgmental. And I certainly have been validated, like you, that honest deep loving relationships are essential and within reach.
I have lost two close family members in in one month. My sons girfriend's mother, and my ex-mother in law-both very strong mother/grandmother figures to my 26 year old.
I had such profound realizations during both of these women's deaths. My son and his girlfriend helped them both die. It was Holy to be with these women as they worked to leave this earth.
I feel so different-like I used to feel when I was helping women give birth at home. Like there is precious little time here. Like we are all amazing beings. It's hard to articulate I feel a sense of urgency and determination to be true to myself, more loving and less judgmental. And I certainly have been validated, like you, that honest deep loving relationships are essential and within reach.
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