Perspective gained at a funeral of all places
Went to a funeral of a close family friend today. Even though he and his wife are 40+ yrs older than me (they began as friends of my parents) I've become friends with them as did AH over the years bc we live near one another.
The husband died last week and was a man that made you feel special just for existing whenever he greeted you. He was loved by everyone (when he was alive not just now that he's died) and he and his wife have been this example in my mind of what a marriage should and could be but I never knew if maybe I was just naive to think they were as good together as it seemed and that in private it was no good.
The funeral mass was very non traditional which was just how he'd have wanted it. His wife and sons spoke about the kind of man, husband, father he was and there was a LOT of talk about the care and time and effort and intentional, conscious day to day choices about how he lived that made him the father and husband and friend he was.
He and his wife had a lot of hard times. A daughter who is an A, another daughter killed tragically in college etc... They didn't have this perfect life that would make it easy to be happy together.
I realized today that the love I felt between them whenever I saw them was 100% real bc every single word spoken about him today confirmed that my sense of who he was and who they were together had been right on.
His wife was raw and emotional and spoke beautifully about how he'd been her best friend for 50 yrs and how they'd shared in one another's lives fully bc they shared the same values and shared a desire to work hard to make life count every day together.
Anyway, I listened to this, there without AH (which was noticeable to many people and I fielded a lot of questions) which was hard and at a time when I know my marriage is beyond repair and was simultaneously sadder than I've ever felt and yet I also felt a weight lifted. The weight that was lifted was this: a teeny part of me HAS continued to believe AH's words that what I wanted in our marriage and what I want in life from a partner is too demanding, unreasonable etc... I've mostly let that go (believing him) but I guess I still had a bit of it in me. Today I realized, listening to people speak of my friend who died and his wife and then watching their sons with their wives and kids that the life I want is realistic, does exist and is something I've seen evidence of being "real" for a long time.
I am in no rush to enter a new r/s-- that's not what this is about. I just realized that the life I've wanted does exist in many people and settling for what is is NOT a way to live. I don't know when, but I know that sometime in this lifetime I will find a r/s that meets the standards I deserve and even though I won't have 50 yrs with someone as my friends did with one another, I will at some point have a life with someone that is rich and full and the kind of life I've deserved all along.
So, it was a sad day for many reasons but it also was a day that showed me there's life beyond AH and the hell its been living with him and I feel hopeful and actually eager for the future and all the positive that it is going to hold for me.