Kimmieh

- my puppy does not have to hide behind a chair when we fight
- I can sit on my balcony in the sun without being surrounded by cigarette butts and weed bags
- I can sleep when I want and not be awoken by loud strangers in my living room
- I don't get anxiety attacks when he is buzzed
- I don't have to listen to him drone on and on and on and on for literally 8 hours at a time when he is drunk (about absolutely nothing)
- I can spend all my money on me and pay off my debt
- I can be away without worrying that terrible things will happen to my apartment and my car
- I won't be called controlling anymore
- I won't walk on eggshells when he starts to drink
- I won't be taunted with a $200 bottle of JD a rich buddy of his brought over
- I won't get complaints about noise in my apartment because I am not loud and my puppy is not a barker
- I won't have to listen to him grinding his teeth in his sleep when he is drunk
- I won't have to fear the next binge
- I won't have to worry that he will lose another job due to his drinking
- I won't give a damn about his life choices because they won't affect me in any shape or form
- I won't be promised things that never materialize
- I won't have to smell weed anywhere in my apartment or my car
- I won't smell cigarette smoke anywhere in my apartment or my car
- I won't be disappointed constantly
- I won't wonder if he took my car, which he isn't legally allowed to drive
- I won't lie to friends and family about my relationship
- I will live in blissful serenity with my loving and non-alcoholic dog
- I will NOT live with anyone anytime soon
- And I will never get involved with an addict again

So what will/would/won't/wouldn't you do??

Thumper

What has changed since I left.......

I don't ignore my inner voice.
I don't try to make someone into a person they are not.
I don't accept the unacceptable.
I don't feel trapped, powerless, and out of control.
I don't cry in the shower.
I don't feel defeated.
I don't ignore my own needs.
I'm not afraid.
I don't think of myself in negative ways (or if I do I switch that up).
I'm responsible for myself, not everyone else (and remind myself if needed!).

Some of that is a work in progress, but progress I can make

I pretty much copied my response from an earlier thread called "I quit" which was also awesome. Good reminders :nod:

StarCat

I go to sleep when I am tired.
I wake up when I am not so tired.
I eat what I want, when I want.
I don't eat what I don't want to eat.
I do not vacuum once a week.
I do not do laundry every three days.
There are no more strange spots to clean up off the floor.
I take a shower on a regular basis, without someone yelling at me how I will steam up the bathroom so they can't breathe.
I will never ever watch porn or set foot in a store that sells it ever again.
I listen to the radio or a CD of my choosing on the way to work.
I do not answer the phone when I am busy. Sometimes I don't answer it when I'm not busy, either.
I can be alone when I want to (although someone might want to inform the cats of this).
I go swimming! (This is the last weekend for this one).
I invite friends over to the apartment.
I have friends.
I can redecorate when I want, and take as long as I wish to do so.
I am no longer living paycheck to paycheck. (Or rather, living on scraps for a week and a half because he spent his and my two-week paycheck four days after payday).
My debt is going down.
My credit rating is going up.
I watch what I want on television. I watch what I want on DVD. I turn the television off when I don't want to watch anything. I leave it off all night.
I can take a quick shower when I want to, or an hour-long soak in the tub by candle light if I'd rather do that.
I can put satin sheets on my bed without anyone complaining about how "slimy" they are.
I sometimes eat only a salad, or a yogurt, or rosotto with chicken, or cereal for dinner.
I am no longer told that I was raised by wolves, or a moron, or completely useless at living because I have no common sense.

I can survive on my own.

I grow roses on my balcony, and water them as often as I want, and they are thriving.
I relaxed during a hurricane and several snowstorms because I enjoy spending time in the house just relaxing, and I knew that I had everything I need and quite a few things I wanted to have, as well. I do some last minute shopping before the storm, but it's for candles and fun things, not groceries, because I make sure I have everything I need already.
I have two cats, and enjoy them immensely.
I have been doing my own "therapy" with the younger cat, who I am told has a (mild) case of PTSD. I can actually be patient with her while we work through things together. (She is terrified of people, but she loves affection and attention and being scratched and will beg for it, except that she's terrified if anyone actually tries to give it to her. It is complicated, we are working on it. Slow motions, calm words, lots of cat treats, some routines and some pleasant surprises).
I take off work whenever I want, or work whenever I want (within reason, of course - I do have a boss and I want to keep my job).
I look after my own health, and do whatever I feel is necessary for that. This I am still working on. I've been to the eye doctor and the regular doctor now. I do need to see a dentist at some point, and then a couple specialists just for "baseline" tests that my regular doctor has suggested I have done.
I talk with my parents as often or as little as I desire.
I visit my family and friends as often or as little as I desire (within reason, I don't want anyone blacklisting me on their "permitted guests" lists *Grins*)
I can read whenever I want! And I can get back into writing. (Although I have been distracting myself lately).
I can play my silly little internet games without anyone lecturing me about this.
I can go to Al-Anon whenever I want (currently only Tuesdays).
I can afford a (brand) new car, and still pay off debt.
My bonuses from work are mine, and mine alone, and I am the only one who has any say in how they are spent.
I bake whenever I want, and bring it into work, and it doesn't matter how long it takes to bake because the cats don't care.
I can laugh again, and be happy. I remember what happiness is now. I can't believe I had forgotten.
I throw out what I want to throw out, keep what I want to keep, and donate what I want to donate. Nobody is throwing out my favorite spring jacket because they don't think it's "feminine" enough. Of course it's not feminine, it's a man's jacket, and it's warm and lightweight and irreplaceable (they don't make this one anymore), and in a landfill somewhere. Farewell, faithful limited-edition spring jacket.
I can go to weddings without having to check my "schedule" or rather my controlling "scheduler." I can go to funerals the same way.
I can sleep on the sofa, or the sofabed, if I feel like a little change, or want to do a thorough job cleaning the mattress on the bed to make sure all residue from past residents has been removed.
I can burn candles.
I can sit outside on the balcony.
I can go for a walk in the park.
I can exercise.
I can stock my refrigerator with one of every kind of juice the grocery store sells. (Alright, not quite that much, but all the kinds that I know I like, or want to try).
I don't have to eat hoagies ever again.
I can boil hotdogs in a frying pan without receiving a lecture.
I don't have to iron if I don't want to.
I can take up hobbies again. Cross stitch, music, poetry, singing, writing, drawing.
I can take dancing lessons. (Assuming I send in my check in time, that is - I need to do that).

I can be me, rather than feel forced into a role that I don't want.


In essence, lots of change, my life is completely different now. Still lots of things I have to work on for ME, but everything is calmer, so I can do it now, I have the mental capacity and it's not overrun with other things that shouldn't be there.

Searching81

I left so I can breathe. and now I do. (I have post it notes reminding me of this...and it works.)

Sylvie66

These are good. For me, the trade-off is still in effect:

- I have a drama-free life
- I used to hear "I love you" first thing in the morning. Now I hear the 6:30 bus.
- I welcome Tuesdays as another busy day
- I have no one to share my momentary joys
- My kids are calm
- my sex life is dead

I could go on and on.... yes, I did the right thing. There's certainly no regret. But I am deep in heartbroken sorrow. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of what else I live without: the mess, the distrust, the rarely sleeping together. But to paraphrase the song: 'his hair is still curly, and his eyes are still blue'.

- Sylvie

rorty

I am learning to love myself.

Carol Star

I don't have to breathe cigarette or weed. I can have my furniture in the house (he hated anything old like my Mom's antiques), do not have to drive him to the store (for beer), do not have to listen to criticism of my music, can cook beans and rice, can cook lima beans, can go to church and Alanon, can believe in a higher power, can have friends, don't have to watch Price Is Right, don't have to look at his "crossed eyes", don't have to listen to his put downs, no drama or chaos, 1/2 the dirt and cooking, pets are safe, my $ for my needs and wants, no answering to anybody, building trust again, no smelling booze, NO Fear, and being POSITIVE instead of wondering what will happen next. Being in the solution instead of the problem, and wonderful SR friends to add to my experience strength and HOPE.

BobbyJ

Not enough space on this website to complete my list...

DesertEyes

Wonderful thread. Here's my .02

- I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to blow out the hundred and one candles she left burning all over the place.

- I don't have to stay up half the night wondering when she'll come home to light those hundred candles that she'll forget to blow out because she's so exhausted and out of it. If she comes home.

- I can go out to dinner and not worry about her getting into an argument with the waiter.

- I can go to a show and not worry about her going ballistic and physically atacking some stranger because she's so strung out.

- I can go for a walk and not worry that she'll wander off and get lost and not come back for hours.

- I can go home after a walk and not worry about what stranger picked her up by the side of the road and brought her home.

- I can go to my al-anon meet and not be told that "those people" are putting ideas into my head. It's really me _taking_ those ideas and using them to make my life better.

Mike

veryregretful

There are many things once my husband leaves. I'll put down a couple that come to the top of my head.

- I will be able to sleep without thinking he is going to burn down the house cooking or keeping a candle lit and passes out.

- I will be able to come home and not feel anxioius half way home cuz I don't know what mood he is in.

- I will be able to a restaurant and have dinner and not have my AH husband belittle me and verbally abuse me in front of the whole restaurant.

- I will not anymore broken windshields. He likes to punch them when he gets mad.

- My yard won't be full of his trash. Wood, junk, whatever his like to save. I can't wait to throw it all away.

- I don't have to cater to him what he wants for dinner and have him mad when my son eats his portion too because my son is hungry and AH is in basement drinking and doesn't want to come up and eat with us.

- My kids and I can finally have a relationship without the stress and his manipulation. A relationship that is long overdue.

Leaping

here are some of mine

- the girls and I dont have to sit down at the table to have dinner at 3:00 in the afternoon because my AH thinks its a good time to eat supper
- I dont have to wake up at night every time he gets up to make sure he gets to the bathroom
- The garage is cleaned out and all his little hoarding piles (batteries, lanterns, mops, ac filters, and flashlights) are in one place
- I can mow the lawn, in fact my neighbors asked me if I had hired someone new to do it because it looks so good
- my children are laughing again, having sleepovers, and getting along
- medicine cabinet is free of all the tums, sleep aids and pepto he used to combat his alcohol related symptoms that he self treated
- I dont have to play therapist in the middle of the night when he wants to discuss why the world is out to get him
- I know why the caged bird sings because now I am almost FREE

Tally

Ooo like this thread!

Here's my changes since he left.

- Shopping for food takes half the time, less than half the price and I can do it when I want, not the minute we get paid because he's eaten every last thing he had.
- I don't have to explain the term "budget" every time he hands me his ridiculously expensive shopping list.
- I don't have to go without because of his smoking.
- The bathroom doesn't stink of smoke all the time.
- There's no eggshells...any where.
- Laughter has returned to the house. My daughters friends are in and out all the time, music and fun!
- I can play my music...loudly and not have him moaning and criticising my taste in music.
- I can turn the tv OFF.
- I can clean WHENEVER I WANT TO! I wasn't allowed to clean when he was here because it disturbed him, wasn't allowed to clean when he was asleep during the day in case I woke him and wasn't allowed to clean at night because that was just "weird" in his opinion! :s
- The cats are not allowed on MY cushions. I would ask him to keep them off but soon as I went to be he would lay them down for the cats to sleep on.
- I have the remote controls exactly where I want them.
- I can have my beads and paints/clay all over MY desk whenever I like without him moaning that he can't use the PC.
- My bedsheets aren't damp from his sweating when I get into bed.
- No piles of 2-3 week old stinking socks in my bedroom.
- I repainted the bathroom a pale green, the colour he hated, that I wasn't allowed to use.
- There's not someone sleeping in the middle of the afternoon to worry about waking up.
- No moaning about how mindless and stupid other people are.
- No lectures or criticisms about my "anger" and how I've always been angry, even before I met him.
- No criticisms or arguments about my parenting.
- No more being put down.
- No more being called names.
- No more isolating myself because he didn't like visitors to the house as it disrupted his "routine" of doing nothing all day.
- No more being scolded for having no get up and go from the man who had no get up and go and who moaned if I tried to get up and go.
- No more crying because he said something mean or nasty to me.
- No more crying because he took something I said the wrong way and then blew it up into something huge.
- No more disrespect.
- No more threats.
- No more being scared he would leave me.
- No more snipes about my "boyfriends" (platonic male friends)
- No more coldness towards my daughter.
- No more arguments about the cats and their routines.
- No more having to compromise just for the sake of peace and sanity.
- No more arguments about paint and colour schemes when he didn't care about the house anyway.
- No more begging him to help me around the house only for him to tell me I do nothing any way.
- No more asking him to do things I can't, such as put up a curtain rail (2 years I was asking for), but he wouldn't let me ask my Dad because it reflected badly on him.
- No more teaching my daughter that you put up with unacceptable behaviour.
- No more dreading him getting up because my peace would be shattered.
- No more listening to that voice just talk and talk and talk about stuff I wasn't slightly interested in, ever.
- No more teabags left on the worktop making stains.
- No more little spoons left on the worktop making tea stains.
- No more leaving the top open on the teabag jar because it's too much effort to close it after you've got a teabag out.
- No more self entitled, superiority complex.
- No more listening to a list of the things he "wants" day after day.
- No more hints for the things he wants me to buy him.
- I don't have to stop what I'm doing just because he gets up and expects my attention.
- I don't have to watch tv Every. Single. Mindnumbing. Night.
- No more attempts at emotional manipulation.
- No more feeling neglected, ugly and unwanted.
- No more being blamed for everything.
- I can have sex. Oh yes I can!
- No more ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.
- No more listening to him on the phone to his elderly mother hinting and manipulating her into buying him things and spending her money.
- No more BICKERING. <--------- This is the best one for me because the bickering was exhausting and soul destroying.

But the best thing really is having the freedom and the peace to start being myself again. I'm starting to like myself again. I'm making new friends, contacting old friends. I'm accepting myself as a good person with flaws. I'm not being put down and called names day after day after day and that's just nice.

I would NEVER go back and if I knew I would be this happy without him I never would have stayed all those years.

Catchme

I will get a full nights sleep and not be woken by constant snoring.
I will not be tempted by cigarettes everywhere!
I will not have to smell that horrible smell that happens when someone drinks too much
I will be a better person!

CagedBird

I will not have to mop down the toilet seat EVERY time I need to use it because his "swerve" is so bad that he doesn't even come close to getting it IN the toilet. More like everywhere but.

I won't have to wake up when he's stumbling around the house at night and follow him around so that I can lead him to the bathroom so he doesn't pee in my shirt drawer, or the trash can, or the sink, etc. again.

No more feeling like a dirtbag because I need to ask my family for money to cover the bills.

No more watching him manipulate his parents into more money for booze.

BeYourself

In no particular order:

I don't have to stalk my checking account and credit card sites to keep tabs on how many hundreds he spent on drugs this week.

No one's charging their dating website membership (or their dates!) to my credit card anymore.

My house doesn't reek of air fresheners or whatever he's using to hide the smell of weed.

I don't have to wonder where he is or what he's doing when he disappears for an hour here and there with some kind of flimsy excuse that doesn't even make sense.

I don't have to wonder if I'm over-reacting or just being too bitchy. I was NOT over reacting and I should have been MORE of a bitch.

I can listen to my gut. I should have listened to it more. It was RIGHT.

It makes absolutely zero difference to me if he's screwing up at work.

I don't have to attempt to do marriage counseling when it's clearly pointless.

I can live where I want to live - not doing an hour each way commute just because he "doesn't like" the (perfectly nice) towns near work.

I have many more job opportunities now because I can live by where the jobs are, not out in the boonies where he likes to be.

I see my friends all the time now. I don't have to try and convince him to come with, and I don't have to make excuses for why he never wants to come along.

I don't have to listen and act supportive to his talk-talk-talk about wanting to return to grad school - if you're on a self improvement kick, how about you get off drugs first!

I'm not dealing with his never ending series of car accidents/incidents.

I can have my parents stay with me when they're in town, rather than making them get a hotel because "somebody" needs his space and can't deal.

I don't have to make excuses for him when I travel to see my family and he can't deal with coming along.

I can travel without bringing along a grumpy withdrawing pothead who will inevitably be "sick" the whole time.

I don't have to watch somebody take a whole month's worth of benzos in a matter of days.

I'm not picking up someone else's psych meds at Target every month.

I'm not living my life around someone else's anxiety problem.

I don't have to justify to myself why I'm still living with someone who has at one point in the past verbally threatened to slit my throat.

I'm not shackled to someone who, I quote, "doesn't have fun" (WTF is that?) and never wants to do anything new.

I'm not being lied to 24-7.

I don't have to wonder why he never comes to bed and would rather be on the couch.

I don't have to plod along in a sexless relationship, feeling rejected. If I want to go out and get some, I can!

My home is 100% peaceful... just me and the cat.

I can decorate my place however I want.

I can have an honest relationship with my family and friends - not trying to put on a mask of "everything's ok."

I can eat whatever I want (my tastes are more healthy), not cook to his tastes. I've lost more than 10 lbs already without really trying.

I don't have to keep his junk food in the house.

No one rages at me, ever.

I've shed about a million pounds of stress and I'm not weighed down by the denial anymore, trying to put on a good face but with a nagging sense of doom buried way down.

For once, I'm actually going to get back my security deposit on my current apartment, unlike both the places where I lived with him and he left holes in the walls, etc.

My future children (if I have any) won't get 1/2 their genetic material from some addict nut job.

Whew! This has been cathartic!

wanttobehealthy

Sylvie, I just wanted to say that this is really appropriate for me right now... I'm grateful for the peace... but I am heartbroken too and there are and may always be momentary things I do miss...

OnMyWay11

Thanks for this thread. I really needed it today. For some reason today is hard.

--I can go to class and learn without my phone buzzing with one text message after another from the bar telling me how stupid I am....to the doctoral student (me) from the uneducated drunk (him).
--I don't have to worry every month that he dumped his truck payment into the video poker machine and I will have to pull the $800 out of my azz since the loan was in my name.
--My kids can go into the garage without finding him out there drinking and telling them what a c**t their mother is. In all my 45 years I have never used that word!

I NEEDED this reminder of why I cannot let him back in my life

marie1960

This is an amazing thread! Thanks to all.

Carol Star

I forgot the having to follow him around to put out his cigs after he passes out......from in his hands.......UGH !

Cypress

This thread has been an enormous help for me emotionally. Thank you to all who have contributed. There are so many of your list items I read and then nod in enthusiastic agreement. My beloved AH moved out a couple of weeks ago and I haven't heard a peep from him since.

Here's one that always made me gag, and no matter what I said, he kept...on...doing it! And now that he's gone...

I do not miss when he blows his nose into a paper towel, then folds up that same snot-filled towel and wipes down the kitchen counter with it.