I Guess This is It….
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Oceanside CA
Posts: 14
I Guess This is It….
Well, I’m officially done messing around. If you have ready my previous post (My Wife's and A who relapsed after 21 days of inpatient) this would be the update starting from yesterday. Yesterday was the day I picked my wife up from rehab. I picked her up and things were great. I was genuinely happy to see her and spend time with her. I took her to her therapy appointment and picked her up afterwards. The therapist recommended that we both write down 5 things we want from each other out of our relationship. She seemed happy to do this as was I. I thought it would be a great step to start a good stream of communication again. After we returned to the house and a few hours went by, She then said she was going to a meeting that the therapist recommend at the Naval hospital with all women. I wanted to drive her because of her history of drinking when she drives off by herself. We had this long talk about God and it’s his will not ours. That if she wanted to drink she would but there was no way she was going too. I didn’t like it. I tried to think “I can’t control it, I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it”. So I let her.
So she did NOT attend the meeting which to my surprised was for real. She went and bought wine (with change in the car because I didn’t want her to take any form of money. SHE actually offered the wallet to me and I took it). After an hour and a half she would answer her phone. I went looking for her. After about 2 hours of searching the base with my Kids in the car, I was about to call the Military police when I saw flashing lights. Next, I say my other vehicle. I knew in that moment that she had been drinking and was pulled over. I spoke to the military policeman. He said she was driving 5 miles per hour in the road so he pulled her over. She was a .09 on the breathalyzer which doesn’t seem bad (other than it’s over the legal limit) but she was also on all these medications that you are not suppose to drink with. She gave the MP’s an address from 2 addresses ago when we lived in Hawaii. She said she was driving our White van but she was driving my black car. She had received a DUI not even 7 hours out of rehab. The worst part is, she was a stay at home mom and I am the only sorce of income. I will be paying for this DUI.
A post from Craynoak a few days ago sums it up and could not be put anymore clear. “Love doesn't matter to alcoholism and addiction. It can't cure it, it can't control it, and it sure as hell doesn't stop it. Not love for children, not love for husbands and wives, and not love for mothers and fathers.” I was even on the defense in my response to his post. I can now say that I even MORE understand exactly what he was saying. Love and be THE barrier to recovery.
Today hasn’t been fun. I have told her she is to go home to her families and find some help. I have changed all the passwords on my accounts and left her with a card that is in her name on a separate checking account under mine. I can put money in it when or if I choose. I refuse to let her take a vehicle for obvious reasons. Her parents agree and going to have her stay up there and go into a facility that will be covered by our insurance. She brought this on herself. I do still love her, but I REFUSE to let this continue. I have my 2 kids and myself to worry about at this point. Now I will be a full time Single Active –Duty military parent. The sad this is, After she leaves I will feel relived. I am also relived that I don’t have to wonder if she out drinking. Not worrying about if she is drinking while driving anymore. This is not the end, but it will help me to focus on myself and my kids.
It is astonishing how bad this disease really is. I have now come to realize how far it can go. I’m sure there are some people out there who have had worse. I am sorry for them as well. I just feel better getting this out. If this can help anyone at all whether they are a Spouse, Family member, Friend of and alcoholic or just a recovering alcoholic, that would help me. Thank you for reading and God Bless.
So she did NOT attend the meeting which to my surprised was for real. She went and bought wine (with change in the car because I didn’t want her to take any form of money. SHE actually offered the wallet to me and I took it). After an hour and a half she would answer her phone. I went looking for her. After about 2 hours of searching the base with my Kids in the car, I was about to call the Military police when I saw flashing lights. Next, I say my other vehicle. I knew in that moment that she had been drinking and was pulled over. I spoke to the military policeman. He said she was driving 5 miles per hour in the road so he pulled her over. She was a .09 on the breathalyzer which doesn’t seem bad (other than it’s over the legal limit) but she was also on all these medications that you are not suppose to drink with. She gave the MP’s an address from 2 addresses ago when we lived in Hawaii. She said she was driving our White van but she was driving my black car. She had received a DUI not even 7 hours out of rehab. The worst part is, she was a stay at home mom and I am the only sorce of income. I will be paying for this DUI.
A post from Craynoak a few days ago sums it up and could not be put anymore clear. “Love doesn't matter to alcoholism and addiction. It can't cure it, it can't control it, and it sure as hell doesn't stop it. Not love for children, not love for husbands and wives, and not love for mothers and fathers.” I was even on the defense in my response to his post. I can now say that I even MORE understand exactly what he was saying. Love and be THE barrier to recovery.
Today hasn’t been fun. I have told her she is to go home to her families and find some help. I have changed all the passwords on my accounts and left her with a card that is in her name on a separate checking account under mine. I can put money in it when or if I choose. I refuse to let her take a vehicle for obvious reasons. Her parents agree and going to have her stay up there and go into a facility that will be covered by our insurance. She brought this on herself. I do still love her, but I REFUSE to let this continue. I have my 2 kids and myself to worry about at this point. Now I will be a full time Single Active –Duty military parent. The sad this is, After she leaves I will feel relived. I am also relived that I don’t have to wonder if she out drinking. Not worrying about if she is drinking while driving anymore. This is not the end, but it will help me to focus on myself and my kids.
It is astonishing how bad this disease really is. I have now come to realize how far it can go. I’m sure there are some people out there who have had worse. I am sorry for them as well. I just feel better getting this out. If this can help anyone at all whether they are a Spouse, Family member, Friend of and alcoholic or just a recovering alcoholic, that would help me. Thank you for reading and God Bless.
Last edited by FaithfulHusband; 01-04-2012 at 07:09 PM. Reason: the name Craynoak
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
You have my sincere sympathy and my appreciation that you have shared this with us. Even while undergoing your own trials, your words help us to understand, just a bit more, that somehow we all are in this mess together and in spite of our being isolated, we are not alone. Thank You.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Oceanside CA
Posts: 14
Yes! SR is truly Amazing. Before SR I went to Church very frequently and Prayed daily. I still do that of course, But SR keeps me sane. When I first got here is was the words and encouragement of msbelle57, phil, SoCalDude and many others that were a complete blessing. The threads are amazing too. I still read everyday. Thank you for your comments. They are much appreciated!
Also, just to say how far an A will go......Between the last post and this one my wife who I dropped off at the meeting, with no form of cash/card/ or check somehow still found a way to get alcohol. It's sickening. It just confirms that I have made the right choice. she will be out of here in the next few days. I really hope this works and she gets the real help she needs. I do know that in the back of my mind I am moving on as if it will not work. These are my boundaries and I'm sticking to them. As hateful as it sounds, it is because I love her. Even after all this. Thanks again to all. God Bless!
Also, just to say how far an A will go......Between the last post and this one my wife who I dropped off at the meeting, with no form of cash/card/ or check somehow still found a way to get alcohol. It's sickening. It just confirms that I have made the right choice. she will be out of here in the next few days. I really hope this works and she gets the real help she needs. I do know that in the back of my mind I am moving on as if it will not work. These are my boundaries and I'm sticking to them. As hateful as it sounds, it is because I love her. Even after all this. Thanks again to all. God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
gosh, that has to be some kind of record-same day DUI. Yikes. I think you are making the right decision, sending her away. It will give you time to reflect and work on you....and think about whether or not you want to continue on this ride.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Hopefully now you will get a good night's sleep and sanity will begin to return to your life. The rest is up to her whether she wants to get better or not but you also have a choice and it sounds like you're making a good one for you and your kids.
My prayers are with you and the kids.
My prayers are with you and the kids.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Your story, as painful as it is, helps so many people who read here every day, whether they post or not.
Thank you for taking the time to do it. When we reach out to others with our stories, we are still working our steps.
I had learned awhile ago that I could love from afar, and it's still love. I read Cyranoak's thread, and I'm still thinking about that. I believe there are different forms of love as described in The Bible, and that's where I find my HP. I know everyone thinks differently about this, and I appreciate their paths. This is just where I am. I do love my RABF. My boundaries are strongly in place for a good reason, and I am happy to say that my HP loves us enough to keep us where we need to be.
Thank you for taking the time to do it. When we reach out to others with our stories, we are still working our steps.
I had learned awhile ago that I could love from afar, and it's still love. I read Cyranoak's thread, and I'm still thinking about that. I believe there are different forms of love as described in The Bible, and that's where I find my HP. I know everyone thinks differently about this, and I appreciate their paths. This is just where I am. I do love my RABF. My boundaries are strongly in place for a good reason, and I am happy to say that my HP loves us enough to keep us where we need to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Ugh. So sorry for you and your situation. What you quoted from Cyranoak is SO true. My husband has walked away from a 16 year marriage, four kids, a great wife and a beautiful home because his first love is alcohol. At one point we sat down and had a sober, productive conversation, where I pointedly asked "Are you choosing alcohol over your family?" To which he answered simply: "Yes." I finally had my clear answer.
So there you have it. You can't take it personally. At some point you have to cut bait. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help her. You can only help yourself and your kids.
So there you have it. You can't take it personally. At some point you have to cut bait. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help her. You can only help yourself and your kids.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by FaithfulHusband 
I do know that in the back of my mind I am moving on as if it will not work.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
You're doing a right thing and you know it.
Your wife is not done yet. She might be one day, or she never will. That is the harsh reality of alcoholism.
I truly believe what you're doing right now is the most helpful thing you can do for her.
My RAH used to do same things you AW is doing now. It felt like he was on express train to finish himself off. Even after he nearly died from liver cirrhosis he continued to drink. For him it took losing everything, including his family, for something to finally click in his mind and move him in the right direction. He is sober for 9 months now, doing very well... sometimes I watch him and I can't believe that someone who has put himself through so much found the strenght to make that change and start living normal life.
My point is your AW has her own path to follow, and as long as someone is alive there is always hope for them.
For now you're doing the best possible thing: you're protecting yourself and your kids, while giving your wife space to take responsiblity for her own life and actions. IMHO that is also the most loving thing you can do for her.
It aslo takes a lot of strength to do it and I admire you for it.
take care
Your wife is not done yet. She might be one day, or she never will. That is the harsh reality of alcoholism.
I truly believe what you're doing right now is the most helpful thing you can do for her.
My RAH used to do same things you AW is doing now. It felt like he was on express train to finish himself off. Even after he nearly died from liver cirrhosis he continued to drink. For him it took losing everything, including his family, for something to finally click in his mind and move him in the right direction. He is sober for 9 months now, doing very well... sometimes I watch him and I can't believe that someone who has put himself through so much found the strenght to make that change and start living normal life.
My point is your AW has her own path to follow, and as long as someone is alive there is always hope for them.
For now you're doing the best possible thing: you're protecting yourself and your kids, while giving your wife space to take responsiblity for her own life and actions. IMHO that is also the most loving thing you can do for her.
It aslo takes a lot of strength to do it and I admire you for it.
take care
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What everyone else said (because I can't say it any better) and positive thoughts and prayers to you and your children. Often the right thing is also the hardest thing to do, and that's just a lousy feeling.
It's amazing how we can make things work out in our lives - if we reach out and ask for help. There are tons of resources for military families. You are lucky you have those, and a close knit community (spoken by a military brat!)
Take good care,
~T
It's amazing how we can make things work out in our lives - if we reach out and ask for help. There are tons of resources for military families. You are lucky you have those, and a close knit community (spoken by a military brat!)
Take good care,
~T
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
FH,
I am so very sorry for your situation, one that many here have found themselves in.
Your story is powerful in its lessons. First and foremost, we see that the disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and incredibly powerful. It's truly a disease of relationships, and it destroys families. We, as loved ones and family members, often try everything humanly possible to change/ cure/ control it. And we learn that no matter what we do, alcoholism is stronger.
We beg and plead.
We spend money we don't have on anything we can think of that might change the person or the situation.
We pour out drinks, we hide the bottles
We handle the money so our loved one can't spend it on alcohol.
We issue ultimatums.
And we learn no matter how strong we are, how hard we try, or how much we love that other person : Alcoholism is stronger. It's a humbling and devastating moment, when we come to that realization. We are truly 100% powerless over alcoholism. So is our loved one. It's true - Alcoholism is stronger. The hardest thing for most of us is knowing we can't help that other person - we can only help ourselves. It often feels like we're abandoning that person, or we're letting them down, or we're not doing enough... when the truth is we can't do anything. Alcoholism is stronger.
What we can do is take care of ourselves, and take care of and protect our children. We can detach, with love, from our loved one who is struggling with alcoholism. Ultimately, it's not our fight.
Again, I'm so sorry for what is happening to your family. I hope you find comfort in knowing there are others who have been through this and you're not alone. It sounds like you have some good support systems within your military family, and I hope you're able to take full advantage of that. And I pray for your wife that she finds the help she needs as well.
I am so very sorry for your situation, one that many here have found themselves in.
Your story is powerful in its lessons. First and foremost, we see that the disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and incredibly powerful. It's truly a disease of relationships, and it destroys families. We, as loved ones and family members, often try everything humanly possible to change/ cure/ control it. And we learn that no matter what we do, alcoholism is stronger.
We beg and plead.
We spend money we don't have on anything we can think of that might change the person or the situation.
We pour out drinks, we hide the bottles
We handle the money so our loved one can't spend it on alcohol.
We issue ultimatums.
And we learn no matter how strong we are, how hard we try, or how much we love that other person : Alcoholism is stronger. It's a humbling and devastating moment, when we come to that realization. We are truly 100% powerless over alcoholism. So is our loved one. It's true - Alcoholism is stronger. The hardest thing for most of us is knowing we can't help that other person - we can only help ourselves. It often feels like we're abandoning that person, or we're letting them down, or we're not doing enough... when the truth is we can't do anything. Alcoholism is stronger.
What we can do is take care of ourselves, and take care of and protect our children. We can detach, with love, from our loved one who is struggling with alcoholism. Ultimately, it's not our fight.
Again, I'm so sorry for what is happening to your family. I hope you find comfort in knowing there are others who have been through this and you're not alone. It sounds like you have some good support systems within your military family, and I hope you're able to take full advantage of that. And I pray for your wife that she finds the help she needs as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
So sorry to read about your situation, hang in there and for your own sanity and that of your kids, you are doing the right thing . I really hope that in the time apart that your wife seeks the help too ...take care
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
I don't know what to say, FH. Except that, you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, I myself just chumped up $2500 for a lawyer for my 'sleep driving' episode about a month ago.. not fun at all.
We're here for you, stay strong and keep coming back to talk with us, we're all here for you, and God has a plan, even though it is hard to see it right now. Keep the faith in Him, when the world seems like it is crumbling around you. I have you and your family, and wife, in my prayers my friend.
We're here for you, stay strong and keep coming back to talk with us, we're all here for you, and God has a plan, even though it is hard to see it right now. Keep the faith in Him, when the world seems like it is crumbling around you. I have you and your family, and wife, in my prayers my friend.
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