Brownm

I have 16 days of Sobriety. My b/f has 4 days. Last night I caught him in bed with his Sponser. Why? He wasn't drunk. Why would his Sponser do this? Why would he do it? I just don't get it. Now, I don't want to go to the meetings I was regulary attending because they will both be there. I want to escape from this. I don't understand. I immediately called my Sponser and she had me read pages 67 and 68 of Big Book. I just want to know why this had to happened?

suki44883

It didn't have to happen, it just happened. There is a reason why it is strongly recommended that our sponsor not be a member of the opposite sex.

onlythetruth

It didn't HAVE to happen. But, unfortunately, it DOES happen, and not just with sponsors, either. Sadly, it is just not that unusual in AA for newly sober, vulnerable people to be taken advantage of by sponsors or others with more time.

This problem has been acknowledged to exist at the highest levels of AA, but AA's General Service Board has decided to leave it to the individual groups to resolve, even when the victims are minors. Here is a link to AA's internal document regarding this policy: Powered by Google Docs

Accordingly, I suggest that you comply with AA's own stated expectations by bringing this issue up at one of the meetings they regularly attend, hopefully when the sponsor is actually present. Bring it up as a topic and specifically point out your boyfriend's sponsor. Do not worry about embarrassing her: she has done this to herself by her own behavior, and as we should all know from our experiences with addiction, behavior tends not to change unless there are consequences. Do not accept your sponsor's suggestion that you read the Big Book and accept that they are both sick. They may well be, but this behavior was wrong and should not be enabled by being ignored.

Best of luck to you, and don't give up on your sobriety because of this incident.

ttbp

Sorry to be dumb but why is this 13th stepped?

sugarbear1

We are sick people getting well.
There are 12 steps to work, daily, in our lives and there is a process, which is doing 1, then 2, then 3, etc in order. When we get to 12, we're doing all of them....

The 13th step is finding we make ourselves feel ok through focusing on another person and not the steps.

There are fewer women than men in AA, at least where I live. Why he would choose a female sponsor is something he can answer. He's half the problem. For that sponsor to do what she did tells me she's far from a spiritual choice.....

So sorry these people made these choices. At 4 days, I wasn't capable of following a sponsor's suggestions during any of my numerous attempts at staying stopped. My opinion.

Anna

I'm sorry that your boyfriend cheated on you.

In a way, it's good that you saw the relationship for what it really is. Keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery and you'll get through this.

Newtosoberlivin

How awful, I am so sorry that you were blindsided like that! Shame on both of both of them! But especially the sponsor.

Back when I was about 22, and went to my first AA meeting (my then-landlord, an older gentleman, had seen and heard me cry, saw me wasting my life on booze, and was trying to help me through AA). there was another guy that I trusted, who would meet me at meetings, we would go out for coffee, talk about things and our struggle, etc. Until one night when he blatantly kissed me and wanted things to go further. It freaked me out so badly that I quit AA altogether and didn't return for a long, long time (the landlord had some choice words for the other guy, trust me!). But I was very young then, and didn't understand "the 13th step" which is indeed "couples" getting together while still sick and trying to heal from this. It doesn't work. But by leaving so soon, I didn't get better, I only got worse, a lot worse.

And we are very vunerable right now, in the beginning stages and yes can also get lonely sometimes, although the program really helps us to feel we "belong."

I agree that this should be made known somehow and someway, she should not get away with such unacceptable behavior. I respectfully disagree that she should be called out specifically during a meeting however. That could cause resentments on many levels, IMHO. But, that being said, it CAN be stated as a possible topic for discussion.

The most important thing is keeping the focus on YOU and YOUR sobriety. Keep going to meetings, even if you have to change WHERE you attend them. Hugs hon, you are dealing with enough already and don't need additional stress right now.

onlythetruth

But keeping these issues out of view only perpetuates them. One of the more notorious 13th steppers in my own area gets away with repeated incidents specifically because people are scared of publicly calling him out. At one point he 13th stepped his own daughter's sponsee, who had no idea about his history because earlier incidents were hushed up (and there were many). Talk about resentments: the sponsee was beyond furious and felt completely betrayed when she realized that this man had a widely known history of predatory behavior that had been swept under the rug.

No, it's time to stop coddling predators. The program, like its members, is as sick as its secrets.

onlythetruth

13th stepping is nothing more and nothing less than sexual predation. It is not "people meeting in the program and falling in love": it's the use by one member of his or her program bona fides (usually, time) as leverage to get sex out of a more vulnerable member (usually someone new, or someone going through a rough spot).

What happened here is that a female AA member took it upon herself to "sponsor" a brand new male and then had sex with him. Even if he agreed to it, he was in an extremely vulnerable place, being only a few days sober. Not to take the responsibility away from him, but sponsorship is a position of power and should not be used to exploit someone's vulnerability.

stugotz

I never read anything in the Big Book about "13th stepping" I think its just another "rehab" term. Minding my own business is a full time job. Just sayin...

Freedom1990

I completely agree.

stugotz

Its not an AA issue, its a people issue.

Terminally Unique

Do we know that the sponsor is female?

onlythetruth

You make a good point: I guess we were assuming that the sponsor was female, but we don't know that for sure.

PaperDolls

Interesting point but not really important to the issues at hand in my opinion.


I'm sorry this happend to you. I truly am.
Keep talking to your sponsor and taking their advice.
It is possible to stay sober through rough times like this.

onlythetruth - I think you have a good point about not coddling the predators. It's not an easy issue to deal with.

quickbeam

I disagree, Of course its an AA issue.

LoftyIdeals

I agree with QB, its no less an AA issue than a priest who molests children is a church issue. There are frauds everywhere in life, and they should be exposed when they use their influence to do damage.

sugarbear1

You are correct, AVRT, "anyone" in bed with another who has 4 days sober is just not right. It can cause all kinds of emotional damage in my opinion. At the same time, I've been in AA 25 years and rarely have I met people who've had a sponsor within a short time. Sponsorship is about spiritual guidance through the steps.

This behavior is NOT part of the steps. So sad to hear this. It gives step work a bad reputation. Read the big book. It never discusses being in bed with a sponsor. In fact, the big book never uses the word "sponsor."

Brownm

Trying to not drink or get high. Just ventured out to find a meeting but unfortunately it doesn't start until 6pm. Sponser is the same sex by the way. This Sponser heard is 4th step several years ago and took advantage of his sex addiction. It's not the first time this Sponser has done this according to my Sponser. Tomorrow the Sponser picks up his 13 year chip. It's a small group and everyone will get to share about the birthday. I intend to share my honest opinion. Since day one "Honesty" was drilled in my head as the basis of staying sober.

onlythetruth

Brownm: Good for you for deciding to speak up. Your honesty may well save another vulnerable person from being similarly betrayed by this man.

Be sure to take good care of yourself, too. You are also vulnerable, and you, too, have been betrayed. It is all right to have strong feelings about this, and it is all right to talk about them.