Alcoholism Won
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 19
Alcoholism Won
I can't even believe I'm back on this forum to write this...but I found out on Saturday night that my ex alcoholic boyfriend died on Thursday night.
Died.
See my previous posts for the background:
The beginning:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-fixture.html
and then about 9 months later:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...now-i-get.html
I don't know how he died exactly. All I know is that it was sudden. His brother's text was, "his struggle with alcoholism finally got the best of him." He was 27. His birthday is 12/21 so back in the good old days we used to joke that his 29th birthday better be one heck of a birthday since it will be the last day of earth (12/21/2012). Wow. I never would have imagined he wouldn't make it. Wow.
I haven't talked to him since maybe mid-March. He began calling me incessantly and he was always extremely drunk. It was awful....and I remember feeling really annoyed by it. I would shake my head and think: WHY CAN'T THIS GUY GET IT TOGETHER??? I distinctly remember yelling at him during our last conversation. I told him he he needs to get his life together before this kills him. Then I blocked his number. I realized that by being accessible I was in a way enabling him. Now I feel guilt creeping in, but luckily I still have enough of my senses to remember that (last that I had heard) he was living either with, or extremely nearby his dad and brother. He had the help if he wanted it. It's not like if I had NOT had his number blocked I could have done anything...especially since I live on the other side of the country.
But ooohhh boy my heart hurts. I'm devastated. I believe I had successfully mourned the relationship back in December (when I wrote my second post)...so it's not like my hopes of a repaired relationship being dashed are my biggest sadness. I've never lost someone I was really emotionally close with before, so this all feels so weird to me. I'm just truly heartbroken by the fact that this person who had such a gentle soul was suffering SO MUCH that it came to this. I feel sick thinking about it. Whatever demons he had inside were so strong, he just couldn't do it. It comforts me a little to think that he is finally truly at peace.
I'm going to the funeral tomorrow. Again, we haven't even been in the same city (let alone any semblance of a relationship) since Feb/March 2010 and I'm not sure if his family expects me to go, but I need to go...if I don't go and say goodbye one last time I don't think I'll be able to live with myself.
I still can't believe this is happening. It feels like a dream. Things like this only happen in overly dramatic made-for-tv movies. They don't happen to families like his - good, loving, healthy families. He had all the outward opportunities to have a happy life. It feels like such an immense waste.
Also: what could possibly have prevented this? I'm guessing his dad and brother finally stopped enabling him...hoping that he'd hit his 'rock bottom'. You hear it thrown around that sometimes rock bottom IS death...but I really never believed it.
Sorry this is so dis-jointed. I just had to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Died.
See my previous posts for the background:
The beginning:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-fixture.html
and then about 9 months later:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...now-i-get.html
I don't know how he died exactly. All I know is that it was sudden. His brother's text was, "his struggle with alcoholism finally got the best of him." He was 27. His birthday is 12/21 so back in the good old days we used to joke that his 29th birthday better be one heck of a birthday since it will be the last day of earth (12/21/2012). Wow. I never would have imagined he wouldn't make it. Wow.
I haven't talked to him since maybe mid-March. He began calling me incessantly and he was always extremely drunk. It was awful....and I remember feeling really annoyed by it. I would shake my head and think: WHY CAN'T THIS GUY GET IT TOGETHER??? I distinctly remember yelling at him during our last conversation. I told him he he needs to get his life together before this kills him. Then I blocked his number. I realized that by being accessible I was in a way enabling him. Now I feel guilt creeping in, but luckily I still have enough of my senses to remember that (last that I had heard) he was living either with, or extremely nearby his dad and brother. He had the help if he wanted it. It's not like if I had NOT had his number blocked I could have done anything...especially since I live on the other side of the country.
But ooohhh boy my heart hurts. I'm devastated. I believe I had successfully mourned the relationship back in December (when I wrote my second post)...so it's not like my hopes of a repaired relationship being dashed are my biggest sadness. I've never lost someone I was really emotionally close with before, so this all feels so weird to me. I'm just truly heartbroken by the fact that this person who had such a gentle soul was suffering SO MUCH that it came to this. I feel sick thinking about it. Whatever demons he had inside were so strong, he just couldn't do it. It comforts me a little to think that he is finally truly at peace.
I'm going to the funeral tomorrow. Again, we haven't even been in the same city (let alone any semblance of a relationship) since Feb/March 2010 and I'm not sure if his family expects me to go, but I need to go...if I don't go and say goodbye one last time I don't think I'll be able to live with myself.
I still can't believe this is happening. It feels like a dream. Things like this only happen in overly dramatic made-for-tv movies. They don't happen to families like his - good, loving, healthy families. He had all the outward opportunities to have a happy life. It feels like such an immense waste.
Also: what could possibly have prevented this? I'm guessing his dad and brother finally stopped enabling him...hoping that he'd hit his 'rock bottom'. You hear it thrown around that sometimes rock bottom IS death...but I really never believed it.
Sorry this is so dis-jointed. I just had to get it out. Thanks for listening.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry, Lindz,
This is SUCH a devastating disease. I'm amazed my ex is still alive in his 60s, after he almost died of liver failure and went back to drinking. Someday I expect to hear he is gone.
But 27 is so young.
I'm glad you are going to the funeral. I hope you will come to peace soon.
Hugs and prayers,
This is SUCH a devastating disease. I'm amazed my ex is still alive in his 60s, after he almost died of liver failure and went back to drinking. Someday I expect to hear he is gone.
But 27 is so young.
I'm glad you are going to the funeral. I hope you will come to peace soon.
Hugs and prayers,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Very sad story to read - my condolences to you and prayers to his family.
There really isn't anything anyone can do to stop someone bent on self destruction. I wish there was...I too have lost friends over the years to their own bad choices.
Stay strong!
~T
There really isn't anything anyone can do to stop someone bent on self destruction. I wish there was...I too have lost friends over the years to their own bad choices.
Stay strong!
~T
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Awh, I am so sorry. You asked what could be done to prevent this? Actually nothing, only he held the power to get sober and work a recovery program...for life.
Such a waste...I too hate addiction.
Such a waste...I too hate addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Lindz -
Your post reminds me of a thread I just started.
There is no point in trying to recreate the past. This disease took your loved one, not you and not anyone else. I don't understand why this happens either, but I do know that life is a precious, fragile thing, and that while we have it we should try to love each other as much as possible.
I will pray for you and his family. If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me. Your story is so similar to mine. Maybe we can learn from each other.
Love and Hugs,
Panther
Your post reminds me of a thread I just started.
There is no point in trying to recreate the past. This disease took your loved one, not you and not anyone else. I don't understand why this happens either, but I do know that life is a precious, fragile thing, and that while we have it we should try to love each other as much as possible.
I will pray for you and his family. If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me. Your story is so similar to mine. Maybe we can learn from each other.
Love and Hugs,
Panther
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Lindzali,
I'm so very sorry to hear about the tragic loss of such a young life and someone once so close to you. Please know that you can come to SR at any time and speak of your grief. Sadly, many of us know exactly what it is like to lose someone to addiction.
I would also remind everyone that at such a time, semantics DO NOT matter. If anyone wishes to debate these sorts of details, please keep these conversations to PM's.
Lindzali, you, your exabf and all who loved him will be in my prayers.
Hugs, HG
I'm so very sorry to hear about the tragic loss of such a young life and someone once so close to you. Please know that you can come to SR at any time and speak of your grief. Sadly, many of us know exactly what it is like to lose someone to addiction.
I would also remind everyone that at such a time, semantics DO NOT matter. If anyone wishes to debate these sorts of details, please keep these conversations to PM's.
Lindzali, you, your exabf and all who loved him will be in my prayers.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Lindzali, I am so sorry about this. I went to an al-anon meeting last week and there were a few people saying how they feared for their loved ones lives, and the message that was given was "sometimes death is the ONLY way they can finally be sober and at peace." I hope this can bring you some comfort.
And of course there was nothing you could have done to stop/prevent this. :hugs
And of course there was nothing you could have done to stop/prevent this. :hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Lindzali, my heart goes out to you. I too was profoundly affected by the death of my EXAH even though we had split long before that.
It shakes a person to the core. Sending you gentle hugs from Kansas!
It shakes a person to the core. Sending you gentle hugs from Kansas!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Such a tragic loss. Another life stolen away far too soon.
May we never forget just how serious and devastating this addiction is ...
for those we lose and for those that are left behind to mourn their untimely passing.
May you and his family find the strength and peace needed during this difficult time.
May we never forget just how serious and devastating this addiction is ...
for those we lose and for those that are left behind to mourn their untimely passing.
May you and his family find the strength and peace needed during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lindzali))) - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my XABF (#3), also to his addiction...one we had shared until I chose recovery.
Yes, it hurt, and I went through the grief, even though we had been apart for about a year.
I'm glad you're going to the funeral. I didn't find out about my ex until a month after the fact. I had pretty much lost/cut contact with our mutual friends.
The sad thing is, addiction can very well lead to death. He was so young, this is heartbreaking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, it hurt, and I went through the grief, even though we had been apart for about a year.
I'm glad you're going to the funeral. I didn't find out about my ex until a month after the fact. I had pretty much lost/cut contact with our mutual friends.
The sad thing is, addiction can very well lead to death. He was so young, this is heartbreaking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 19
Thank you so much everyone for your replies.
Leise - His name was Tom. Prayers for his family would be much appreciated.
I'm sitting in my motel room right now and I can't stop crying. Walking through the airport was pure torture. The last time I was here was Thanksgiving 2009...I was meeting his dad for the first time...he was so excited to show me around the city...
I feel like this grief comes in waves...numbness...then WHAM! A tidal wave. At the wave's peak I can barely even breathe. When it starts to subside I'm filled with so many different emotions. Devastation that he REALLY is gone. Just. Gone. I feel a large void in my heart. I guess that happens when you've had a deep connection with someone and that person passes. I also feel immense heartache that he was in so much pain. Then I feel guilt and regret...if I hadn't blocked him I could have talked to him one last time...MAYBE he would have been sober...? A quick stroll down 'Reality Lane' tells me that is bogus thinking...but I can't help the 'what ifs'? What if this was all severe depression (I'm sure severe depression had to have played a big role)? What if instead of being treated like an alcoholic and left to reach his 'rock bottom' he had been placed in a mental health treatment center? If I'm being tortured by these thoughts I CANNOT even imagine what his immediate family (dad, brother, sister) are feeling...then thinking about that I'm taken over by sadness for them.
I'm not super religious, but I would consider myself spiritual. On my cab ride to the airport (I'm in Chicago this week for work) tonight this old, random country song that he had labeled 'our song' while we were together played. I don't remember the last time I heard that song come on the radio...and, I don't know, just my experience, but I rarely hear a country radio station being played in a Chicago cab...I feel like just MAYBE that was a sign from him...just saying, "I'm okay". Either way, I DO know for sure that he is finally at peace. I hope that while looking down on me he sees how much I really did care about him, warts and all, and that I just wanted him to get better and be happy so badly.
Phew. That was cathartic. Thank you so much everyone for listening. I think now I need to buckle up and let the stages of grief take their course.
Thank you again,
Lindsay
Leise - His name was Tom. Prayers for his family would be much appreciated.
I'm sitting in my motel room right now and I can't stop crying. Walking through the airport was pure torture. The last time I was here was Thanksgiving 2009...I was meeting his dad for the first time...he was so excited to show me around the city...
I feel like this grief comes in waves...numbness...then WHAM! A tidal wave. At the wave's peak I can barely even breathe. When it starts to subside I'm filled with so many different emotions. Devastation that he REALLY is gone. Just. Gone. I feel a large void in my heart. I guess that happens when you've had a deep connection with someone and that person passes. I also feel immense heartache that he was in so much pain. Then I feel guilt and regret...if I hadn't blocked him I could have talked to him one last time...MAYBE he would have been sober...? A quick stroll down 'Reality Lane' tells me that is bogus thinking...but I can't help the 'what ifs'? What if this was all severe depression (I'm sure severe depression had to have played a big role)? What if instead of being treated like an alcoholic and left to reach his 'rock bottom' he had been placed in a mental health treatment center? If I'm being tortured by these thoughts I CANNOT even imagine what his immediate family (dad, brother, sister) are feeling...then thinking about that I'm taken over by sadness for them.
I'm not super religious, but I would consider myself spiritual. On my cab ride to the airport (I'm in Chicago this week for work) tonight this old, random country song that he had labeled 'our song' while we were together played. I don't remember the last time I heard that song come on the radio...and, I don't know, just my experience, but I rarely hear a country radio station being played in a Chicago cab...I feel like just MAYBE that was a sign from him...just saying, "I'm okay". Either way, I DO know for sure that he is finally at peace. I hope that while looking down on me he sees how much I really did care about him, warts and all, and that I just wanted him to get better and be happy so badly.
Phew. That was cathartic. Thank you so much everyone for listening. I think now I need to buckle up and let the stages of grief take their course.
Thank you again,
Lindsay
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Lindz - I just want to thank you for your posts. I know it takes a lot of courage to write everything you are going through and I just want you to know that I find it inspiring and I am very grateful for it.
I am sorry you lost Tom. I feel how much you love him and I know he feels it too. I am a spiritual person as well, and I believe that we meet everyone for a reason, and that we will be reconnected with them. There are some people in our lives who are not just friends, or lovers, but connected to our very soul. And that connection can never be broken.
I am also a big believer in signs. They remind us that we are all connected and that there is a purpose much bigger than us. And that song you heard, I believe is a sign of Love. So much in this life does not make sense, but love does. And I think that if we hold true to that, we will always have strength to weather even the most difficult of times.
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Panther
I am sorry you lost Tom. I feel how much you love him and I know he feels it too. I am a spiritual person as well, and I believe that we meet everyone for a reason, and that we will be reconnected with them. There are some people in our lives who are not just friends, or lovers, but connected to our very soul. And that connection can never be broken.
I am also a big believer in signs. They remind us that we are all connected and that there is a purpose much bigger than us. And that song you heard, I believe is a sign of Love. So much in this life does not make sense, but love does. And I think that if we hold true to that, we will always have strength to weather even the most difficult of times.
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Panther
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((((((Lindsay)))))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Tom was the only one who had the power to make things right in his life. My heart goes out to you and his family. He was so young. What a tragedy. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. And who knows, maybe his passing will have a profound impact on a young person who knew him who is just beginning their descent into alcoholism or addiction. Maybe Tom's death will drive the consequences of addiction home to someone who desperately needs to hear the message. This is my prayer for Tom and his family....that his death won't be in vain.
Prayers and sympathy to you...
Mary
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Tom was the only one who had the power to make things right in his life. My heart goes out to you and his family. He was so young. What a tragedy. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. And who knows, maybe his passing will have a profound impact on a young person who knew him who is just beginning their descent into alcoholism or addiction. Maybe Tom's death will drive the consequences of addiction home to someone who desperately needs to hear the message. This is my prayer for Tom and his family....that his death won't be in vain.
Prayers and sympathy to you...
Mary
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I too am sorry for your loss. I experienced something similar, many years ago and remember the feelings well.
My best friend David died young from alcoholism. We were inseparable when young. Our own parents would get us confused. It was funny. Right after high school, his family moved to the other side of the county and he became caught up in the "bigger, better, deal" and started drinking heavily. He never stopped.
At the funeral, his mother hugged me and told me she was glad it was over and that he finally found peace. There was nothing anyone could have done to slow or stop his drinking.
My best friend David died young from alcoholism. We were inseparable when young. Our own parents would get us confused. It was funny. Right after high school, his family moved to the other side of the county and he became caught up in the "bigger, better, deal" and started drinking heavily. He never stopped.
At the funeral, his mother hugged me and told me she was glad it was over and that he finally found peace. There was nothing anyone could have done to slow or stop his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Lindzali,
Thank you for sharing. Sending prayers to you and your X's family. My cousin recently died of an overdose (alcoholic/addict).
Those of us who are F&F always want our A's to find that "peace" when they are here on this earth, with us. Sometimes, it is only when they leave this earth, they finally achieve that peace or release from the pain, the suffering, the alcoholism. I believe in signs too.
Thinking of you, Lindzali.
Thank you for sharing. Sending prayers to you and your X's family. My cousin recently died of an overdose (alcoholic/addict).
Those of us who are F&F always want our A's to find that "peace" when they are here on this earth, with us. Sometimes, it is only when they leave this earth, they finally achieve that peace or release from the pain, the suffering, the alcoholism. I believe in signs too.
Thinking of you, Lindzali.
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