Lindzali

Hello again everyone. I posted recently about how great it is I have got my life back, yadda yadda yadda from being in a terrible situation with a severely alcoholic boyfriend...Here's the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-fixture.html

Well...boy do I feel stupid now. I understand the posts from people upset that their loser significant other 'moved on'. I am now one of those people. I innocently logged onto the 'ole Facebook on Friday and was greated with the dreaded, "Hey, this is Facebook. Guess what? Your ex is IN A RELATIONSHIP. Oh, looks like your ex and his new lady linked their proflies! Here she is!" <- Yes, I realize I should've de-friended him, but he's never on so I guess I kind of forgot he existed on Facebook...stupid mistake.



I felt like I got punched in the stomach...only, when you get the wind physically knocked out of you, the wind comes back. It's been days...I'm still reeling. He emailed me on Friday (probably bc he had access to the internet for the first time in a while) and asked me to call him sometime at his halfway house and left the number. The number taunted me and taunted me until last night, in a moment of extreme desperation I called him. I'm shamefully admitting to that, but I'm only human. I had an theory (after calming down a tad) that this chick must also be in some sort of treatment also bc...I mean, my ex is a pretty good looking guy, but how on earth would someone living in a halfway house (no cell phone, no car, no money) pick up a girl? The thought makes me laugh, but I digress...

Logically speaking, here's the breakdown:

- He's living in a halfway house after three or four stints in rehab
- He met the girl (who is 22, 5 years younger than both of us - for some reason that stings...) in DETOX after the last of several relapses (that thought kinda makes me laugh too...detoxing doesn't seem like the breeding ground for romance)
- He met this girl two months ago...how is that 'a relationship'?
- He's been 1,200 miles away from me since last March (out of sight, out of mind)
- I was SO HAPPY when he left. He made life that miserable
- I have a good career, my own apartment, a twin sister that provides 24/7 best-friendship and support

WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME???? I can't stop crying. I torture myself imagining if he talks to her like he did to me, makes the same jokes, does the same smile, etc. This pain is just so overwhelming....seriously, I feel like I'm a very 'feeling' person and can deal with strong emotions, but DUDE, this is just TORTURE. I think I can articulate what's going on in my brain...here goes:

What if THIS time he'll be better for good? What if this girl gets the 'Good' version of him while I suffered through the damaged version? I guess I say this because he is still a good person. Alcoholism just blindsided the poor guy. When I had to tell him it was over under no uncertain circumstances I have to admit it was painful for me because I felt like I was kicking a sick puppy.

I also feel like him finding someone new cheapened our whole relationship...cheapened such a big chunk of my life (it has been over three years since I met him). I also think I'm sad bc I don't havae anyone new. I dated a little a few months ago, really liked the guy, but things just fizzled I guess. *tiny voice* What if I'm doomed to never find anyone else who was so crazy about me?

Can anyone help talk me off the ledge? My family (reasonably so) thinks I'm nuts...but this pain is SO STRONG and SO REAL.

Lindsay

goldengirl3

Oh man! That is a nightmare. I have no advice to give other than I think I would feel the exact same way. I never want to sleep with my ex again and have NO desire to be with him after all the crap he put me through. But I would still be in tears to see that he is "in a relationship" on his facebook page.

I've wondered for a long time, what if he finally hits his bottom and cleans up. I have this vision of not running into him for a few years and when I finally do, there he is. Clean cut and sober with a ring on his finger.

MbLove

I feel the same way. Especially with the "cheapened our whole relationship" - I was married to him for 11 years. His wedding date is scheduled for 2 years after I quit enabling him and filed for divorce.

You are not nuts, and what you are feeling is very real. I chose to believe its part of personal growth, to show that I still have feelings and care. That my emotions weren't deadened by his alcohol. As for not going tit-for-tat on the relationship front, I liken it to surviving a traumatic accident - I won't be going to run a marathon the next day. Things like this take time to heal. And then, holy moly, watch out for the upgrade - its going to be awesome!

oh, and un-friend him on fb. Its not worth it. I'm a big fan of no contact (except for kid specific issues).

sailorjohn

Why is he on your FB friends list? He's not your friend, he's your ex.

Go to the privacy settings, block him and his new whatever.

There's nothing wrong with you, btw.

Remember the 'no contact' thing?

No peeking either!

posiesperson

Oh, Lindzali, I hear you. I've been there, including the whole FB stuff. (BTW, I defriended my ex, it was like self-inflicted torture, and after that I was able to really enjoy FB contact with friends and family w/o having to worry about unintended "contact".)

I thought the same things about my ex...what about someone else getting all the "good stuff"? That's why I made a list of the not-so-good stuff (including the downright awful stuff) and kept it in my pocket. Literally. I pulled it out when I started thinking about all the "good" aspects so that could balance it all out...my lifelong habit of leaving the rotten, terribly awful things out of the picture couldn't happen if I read my list regularly. That little piece of paper helped me to recognize the balance in my situation. Each time I thought about how someone else was getting the "good", I pulled out that piece of paper and said, "Oh, that's right! She can have ALL of it, the "good" and the "bad", because I don't want this crappy treatment anymore, the "good" stuff doesn't outweigh the rotten stuff!"

I broke up with my exA over 8 months ago. And I'm very happy to share that I didn't give up a "prize", I gave up a tremendous liability to my own sanity. I'm happy now. TRULY. I go to Alanon regularly (at least 2 meetings a week) and have recognized that I've accepted the "crumbs" in relationships all my life--family relationships, friendships, and intimate relationships. It's Posie time now, though I have to remind myself of that every day. And I wish you the most wonderful Lindzali time...

Hugs to you, I know it hurts. Keep coming back, it gets better.
~posie

Phoenixthebird

Lindsay, I feel like you are strong enough to walk through these negative feelings you are going through. It's NOT going to be easy......but you WILL survive!

First of all you need to realize you are feeling all the emotions of grieving......Denial and Isolation ...... Anger...... Bargaining ...... Depression......and, finally, Acceptance. During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful. At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Sometimes we get stuck in one of the first four stages. Our lives can be painful until we move to acceptance.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, we may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits, and learning positive coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms can be described as the sum total of ways in which we deal with stress and trauma. Some of these processes are unconscious ones, others are learned behavior, and still others are skills we consciously master in order to reduce stress, or other intense emotions. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

I suggest you attend as many Al-Anon meetings you can......Keep posting on SR......and "Let Go and Let God"!

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

Lindzali

Thank you so much everyone! It means a lot to have my emotions validated...and you're right, I need to feel the feelings. I've been SO AFRAID to feel EXTREME saddness because I'm terrified that I'm moving backwards...or slipping into a horrible funk.

As to the facebook friend thing, I've actually had my sister change my password so I can't log on for at least a month. Even without seeing my ex's profile, Facebook has the ability to really depress me. I find myself comparing what's going on with my life to what other people are posting on Facebook: "I got a new car!", "We finally bought our dream house", "I'm ENGAGED". BLAH.

This is EXACTLY what I'm afraid of!! ...and yet, sitting her worrying that will happen isn't going to do a darn thing about it.

Thanks Phoenix for remindng me about the stages of grief...I think I'm going through the depression and bargaining stages...the depression is certainly there and I'm finding myself trying to figure out how I can keep him on a string so that when (IF is the bigger question most like) he gets better, all I have to do is hop back in his life and WALLA! <---how CRAZY does that sound, folks?

The thing that adds more conflicting feelings is that pretty much at any time I could call him up, tell him "nevermind, I think we should get back together" and I know he'd be thrilled. Again, I'm not proud to admit I called him last night, but he immediately blurted, "oh, she wanted the facebook thing, I don't really know her...I can take it down if you want me to!" It's because I ended the relationship and he probably sees me as that coveted "thing he can't have". Either I'm JUST THAT FANTASTIC (HAHA) or he's extremely fragile (I totally know it's the latter)...but DAMN it feels good to know he still sees me as the gold standard...which makes me feel like a terrible person. The fact that I'm so fragle I need self-esteem boosts from my ex scares me...it makes me feel like such a loser.

UUGGGHHH!!!!!

StarCat

You're not a loser. <3

The reason this is so difficult, I believe, is because we let these people into our lives on a very deep and personal level, and when we discover that they're fragile, lost, and broken we put aside ourselves and start living to help them. We forget that we are also fragile, lost, and broken people, and that the best way to solve that problem is not by taking in "strays" to distract ourselves from ourselves, but in looking at ourselves and figuring out "why".

Sometimes it's good to sit down, come face to face with how you're feeling, and just cry. I know it's not the sort of thing people enjoy ("I think I'll go cry this morning, start the day off right!") but it's a good way to let out your emotions so you can think more clearly. I've been discovering that after I let myself cry, I actually feel more motivated to keep living instead of regretting.

(((Lindzali)))

If it was easy, there wouldn't be so many of us here, but there also wouldn't be so many great people to learn from, and it wouldn't feel so awesome when you make some sort of realization or discovery that makes your life a little more amazing.

gerryP

I think it hurts because it feels that by them finding another gf, we have been be easily replaced. That's what it 'feels' like.

You have listed a breakdown (logical) of what is 'the truth', the facts.

Keep reading that over and over and over again and again.

He likely did meet this girl while somewhere in his treatment journey, which wouldn't be too difficult. He sounds like a real chick magnet.

It will hurt for awhile Lindz, but try hard not indulge in the 'what you think he could be' and begin working at moving forward. It's a New Year in 6 more days!

Babyblue

I think when you get past the sadness you'll see that you are always going to be in the better place and that you did what you had to do.

He is pretty early in recovery and recovery is its own version of insanity for those of us involved with them. There is no 'he gets better and voila! he is capable to be in a relationship'. Nope. Far from it. So he has a girl he met in detox (hoo boy!) but that is because he is lonely, not because he is organized enough to be in a healthy relationship yet.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't let his current state of 'recovery' fool you at all. He sounds a lot like my RABF in fact! A great and wonderful guy who can't seem to beat his disease regardless of the support he gets. So now my guy is in a very intense program and he is still sorta nuts and not there for me. Bottom line, he doesn't have the capacity now to give back and your ex doesn't either, I can guarantee that.

Ms. Detox will probably mean he will relapse because the relationship won't work out and blah blah. He has a lonnnnng way to go before he even can resemble the guy you need and want. Try not to let your fantasy of what recovery is cloud the reality.

You are living your life and by the time this guy is 'ready' to be a healthy participant in a fulfilling relationship, you will be moved on by then for sure.

He was very ill and you don't get well from that level of the disease overnight, it can take years. Assuming he even stays sober to get well.

I understand it was a hit to the gut but when you start to let his reality really sink in, you'll feel much better You deserve sooo much better. You ARE the gold standard, he threw it away and he knows it. It is ok to see yourself as the gold standard! That is exactly what you need to do.

It isn't at his expense. He made his choices and is paying the consequences.

I'm saying all this btw because I am facing some harsh realities about my RABF and when they are so ill, you have to be completely realistic with the kind of guy you are dealing with. I know it hurts. I cry lots too but it is a sadness for my kidding myself to think that he has the capacity at this stage. They simply don't.

You did the right thing.

craven

Mblove, I LOVE this!! No, I won't be running a marathon anytime soon- but I am training for one (an emotional marathon that is. I have no intention of running a 'real' marathon.. maybe a 10K, but that's as far as I go!!!!)

I think we are all 'in training' for the best life ever, and with that will come the best relationships!

craven

JenT1968

one of the things that people say around here that I've found invaluable is "don't compare your insides with other people's outsides" or words to that effect. It has saved me an enormous amount of pain when I remember that I really don't know what is going on in someone else's inner life, I only know what they present to me, and how I view that through my own filter.

grieving, with anger, regret and sadness are natural responses to the end of a relationship, especially when your ex moves to the next person so quickly (and yes, ouch!), but his actions reflect on him and say nothing about you, your worth, your future.

trapeze

Grieving takes time. You just aren't quite done grieving. It doesn't mean anything other than you are human, going through a very human process. Let it hurt, then let it go.

Easier said than done, I know. It will get better.

TakingCharge999

Dear Lindzali, I lived a very similar experience 2 years ago. I agree it was TORTURE. I felt like a zombie for months. Yes it was also DAYS after the breakup that he was already going out with someone.

Toxic people don't have relationships, they take hostages.

According to me, broken people are not happy alone (truths they don't want to face) so they get anything as a distraction. I know this because I have gone out with 39258325 "strays" and it was NEVER about love. I was totally depressed and used others as distractions.

What helped me then was going to AA meetings. They welcome anyone. I did not have to say anything... I just went, heard all these stories. I talked to people who have many years or decades of recovery under their belt. I was able to see what RECOVERY looks like. Among many other things, it means: being single for months, years even, because when you start being honest with yourself there is much emotional baggage that if you are serious about working on it, there won't be time for any romantic relationship.

You have been saved from much sadness and have the chance to rebuild a better life for you, a life that does not involve anyone capable of hurting you.

2 years later my life is way brighter, I like myself much more... therapy has helped me a great deal. I just like posie was used to crumbs and abandonment. That is why I chose an alcoholic, I mean, an active alkie will abandon you in all kinds of different ways, even during or after the breakup. At least that is how I felt. Totally abandoned and as if our relation meant NOTHING. I had meant nothing to him.

Then to know he was already having sex with someone on the beach. Ouch.


Anyway, that was yet another reason why I left. I tried to see it as "cmon, keep being careless, keep being an a$$hole, keep proving me you are worthless".

2 years later the guy keeps drinking the same or more. The girlfriend drinks more than he does. It is typical modus operandi. He needs someone to feed his ego, laugh at his drunken jokes, make him feel wanted. I am not on this planet to be anyone else's object.

I work with him and have kept No Contact. Today I know even when sober he is a selfish jerk. He is the same person he has always been. Imagine if I had stayed thinking "he would change"... I would just have been MISERABLE...


I also believe in karma. He is now going through living with an active alcoholic and being an alcoholic himself. Explain to me how that has anything to do with love. It has everything to do with addiction, toxicity and danger. How can love habitate such a place? it can't...

We are here for you.. it will get much better..... I promise... you won't believe, how many gifts are in store for you.... only going No Contact has given me some sanity and clarity.

I advise going NC... block him from FB! FB sucks... I almost never use it now. Ego and drama and pointless comparisons... none of that feed my soul.

Thinking of you and sending you good vibes!!

TakingCharge999

What if this girl gets the 'Good' version of him while I suffered through the damaged version?


I sincerely hope this guy gets healthier someday but from your descriptions I would say he is full on in EVASION mode. You can't pick Dr Jekyll alone, he comes with Mr Hyde, and Mr Hyde is unacceptable.

Real substantial change is slow and takes years and years of sobriety, therapy, commitment, a network of healthy people around you, etc.... leave the magic tricks to David Copperfeld...

TakingCharge999

He'd be thrilled but would YOU be thrilled? would you be able to trust him again?


naive is the official translator but I will take a shot:

Translation: I knew you would see my FB relationship change, and am hoping this would wake you up to the fact that I am not that bad and in fact I am desirable. Let's see if I can hurt you again so you feel lonely and take me back so I can feel good about myself. It seems it is working. Oh, and this new girl, if Lindzali doesn't take the hook I will start charming her. That way I get my ego fed, perhaps I even get sex, and I can teach Lindzali a lesson!! We all win!! er.. wait.. only I win, but that is the only thing that matters in the end.

Yes it also scared me to realize the low opinion I had about myself... I have learned it comes from many years ago...




You are not a loser you just need to build real self-esteem (in a book I am reading they call it outer-steem, all those pats on the back from outside but they do not have anything to do with self-esteem).

I hope you can get to therapy, I waited MONTHS to go to one and faced all this alone, I wish I had asked for help sooner.

Melody Beatty - Codependent no more, and The Grief Club are excellent books , would be great if you can get a copy of them... very very compassionate and eye-opening books for times like these!

Lindzali

Thank you all SO MUCH! Your insight is incredible. The "what if"s are killing me, but I have to remember this is all part of the process.

...and YES JenT1968! I've heard that phrase, "You can't compare your insides to other people's outsides". SO.TRUE. It's amazing that I automatically assume my ex is in a FANTASTIC relationship right now. Umm...he lives in a halfway house. She's an alcoholic (I'm guess working on recovery, but I don't now) and she lives with her parents. It also sounds like she lives 45 minutes away from the halfway house. Also, because he lives in a halfway house, him and who knows how many other people have to share ONE pay phone. So, as my younger sister pointed out, it seems more like he's made an alcoholic friend. They are both clearly desperate to be "with someone". Yikes, I mean now that I think about it, both their lives really suck. I'm sure he likes that they can talk about being alcoholics...but can you imagine building a relationship on that?

I guess someday I'll have to realize he will be in a real relationship with someone...but I think I have some time to get over this whole ordeal before then (and I won't hear about it b/c we're not facebook friends anymore).

Phew. Alright folks, I have safely removed myself from the ledge and closed the window. For now. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's quick support and comments. I feel like I just got 15 hugs through the internet. You let me cry and moan...which is what I needed...and you offered priceless advice. You guys rock.

Lindsay

fourmaggie

love, you need to grieve this man in your life...he is not what you thought he was...your prince charming....us women all get stuck on that...nothing with wanting that....now grieve......

you are human...but need to take the propers steps in a break up....its all normal...but remember what he was/is...

fourmaggie

You can't pick Dr Jekyll alone, he comes with Mr Hyde, and Mr Hyde is unacceptable.
posted by takingcharge999

ooh I so like that!!! now that i get too!!!