the manipulative horse at the water trough
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
the manipulative horse at the water trough
You know the old saying...you can lead a horse to water... Well, you can't make him drink if he is a manipulative and probably mentally ill alcoholic.
My exah was admitted to the ER monday morning. A preacher found him lying in the back of his van in a very dangerous part of the city. My exah had been wandering around this city with no shoes for more than 3 days after being beat up and robbed of his ID and shoes at the local homeless shelter.
My exah thought someone had sprinkled magic powder on him and they were tracking him. He had all kinds of insane ideas about where he was and what had happened to him.
According to the doctors, one more day out there and my exah would have surely died from kidney failure.
He was, quite literally, on death's door.
And low and behold, after 24 hours in the hospital, my exah is miraculously cured.
They were getting ready to discharge him yesterday afternoon.
I went up there with my exah's brother to ask hospital administration why they thought he was safe to release given the condition he was in when he arrived.
The hospital said my exah denies any hallucinations. Denies making threats that he would hang himself just four days earlier.
My exah says he just needs to get out and maybe go to out patient treatment.
We thought about filling out involuntary commitment papers but we decided against it.
We told him in no uncertain terms that he is free to leave but he is not welcome at our homes and we will not have any contact with him unless and until he gets serious help for his problem.
At the time we left, my exah had decided to admit himself voluntarily into the psych ward but I don't know how long he'll stay.
My past experience with him tells me that he'll minimize and deny. When he gets out, the only thing he'll have is what he had on him when he was admitted...no shoes, no ID, no cell phone, and a dirty pair of sweat pants.
I don't know what he will do.
This is literally a life or death decision for him because the doctors said if he drinks again he will kill himself.
The only thing I do know for sure is we did the right thing and I woudl have never had the strength to do this before now. I guess I had to try absolutely every other avenue before I could see that completely turning my back was the answer.
I'm praying for him but I don't have much hope.
It will be sad if he kills himself but he's an adult and he gets to do whatever he wants.
I'm okay. I'm surprisingly at peace about all of this.
I owe all of you big thanks for your help and support over the last few days.
Hugs...
Mary
My exah was admitted to the ER monday morning. A preacher found him lying in the back of his van in a very dangerous part of the city. My exah had been wandering around this city with no shoes for more than 3 days after being beat up and robbed of his ID and shoes at the local homeless shelter.
My exah thought someone had sprinkled magic powder on him and they were tracking him. He had all kinds of insane ideas about where he was and what had happened to him.
According to the doctors, one more day out there and my exah would have surely died from kidney failure.
He was, quite literally, on death's door.
And low and behold, after 24 hours in the hospital, my exah is miraculously cured.
They were getting ready to discharge him yesterday afternoon.
I went up there with my exah's brother to ask hospital administration why they thought he was safe to release given the condition he was in when he arrived.
The hospital said my exah denies any hallucinations. Denies making threats that he would hang himself just four days earlier.
My exah says he just needs to get out and maybe go to out patient treatment.
We thought about filling out involuntary commitment papers but we decided against it.
We told him in no uncertain terms that he is free to leave but he is not welcome at our homes and we will not have any contact with him unless and until he gets serious help for his problem.
At the time we left, my exah had decided to admit himself voluntarily into the psych ward but I don't know how long he'll stay.
My past experience with him tells me that he'll minimize and deny. When he gets out, the only thing he'll have is what he had on him when he was admitted...no shoes, no ID, no cell phone, and a dirty pair of sweat pants.
I don't know what he will do.
This is literally a life or death decision for him because the doctors said if he drinks again he will kill himself.
The only thing I do know for sure is we did the right thing and I woudl have never had the strength to do this before now. I guess I had to try absolutely every other avenue before I could see that completely turning my back was the answer.
I'm praying for him but I don't have much hope.
It will be sad if he kills himself but he's an adult and he gets to do whatever he wants.
I'm okay. I'm surprisingly at peace about all of this.
I owe all of you big thanks for your help and support over the last few days.
Hugs...
Mary
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Wow. That is a lot to try and detach from. And you sound as if you are doing a fantastic job of doing just that.
It's remarkable isn't it, the denial about things said/done once they are sobered up and "cured" as you say... My AH has talked about being alarmed by his blackouts and nearly driving off the road many times and yet when asked directly about that at outpatient rehab, denies it happened and instead says that I've been psychologically manipulating him to make him believe things that are not real and to change his perception of reality. Mind numbing stuff-- just like your ex supposedly not hallucinating...
I hope your ex AH will choose life for himself but it sounds as if that's not all that likely and as sad as it is, you know that there's nothing you can do to change that.
You are a kind and loving person and have done all that you could.
It's remarkable isn't it, the denial about things said/done once they are sobered up and "cured" as you say... My AH has talked about being alarmed by his blackouts and nearly driving off the road many times and yet when asked directly about that at outpatient rehab, denies it happened and instead says that I've been psychologically manipulating him to make him believe things that are not real and to change his perception of reality. Mind numbing stuff-- just like your ex supposedly not hallucinating...
I hope your ex AH will choose life for himself but it sounds as if that's not all that likely and as sad as it is, you know that there's nothing you can do to change that.
You are a kind and loving person and have done all that you could.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Mary, ((((hugs))))
I am proud of your detachment and strength. It is hard to admit that you can't do anything for someone who is committing slow suicide. Try to focus on yourself and your recovery. I know it's hard but it is well worth it.
Your friend,
I am proud of your detachment and strength. It is hard to admit that you can't do anything for someone who is committing slow suicide. Try to focus on yourself and your recovery. I know it's hard but it is well worth it.
Your friend,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
(((Mary)))
Please know that I admire your bravery, your courage and your strength ~ You are giving your AH a great gift of dignity and respect and choice ~ althought he may not use that gift to benefit himself - You can know that without a doubt YOU did the most loving thing you could do!
I had a conversation with my step-daughter this week about my exah - she said "Ma it's hard to just watch him slowly die - i just can't see him that often" I told her i completely understood, but that it was ok for her to take care of Herself too!
PINK HUGS to you my friend!
Rita
Please know that I admire your bravery, your courage and your strength ~ You are giving your AH a great gift of dignity and respect and choice ~ althought he may not use that gift to benefit himself - You can know that without a doubt YOU did the most loving thing you could do!
I had a conversation with my step-daughter this week about my exah - she said "Ma it's hard to just watch him slowly die - i just can't see him that often" I told her i completely understood, but that it was ok for her to take care of Herself too!
PINK HUGS to you my friend!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Mary, ((((hugs))))
I really admire the strength and courage with which you are handling everything. It takes a lot to stay resolute to even the right decisions sometimes. I know there is not much to say here in terms of what can be done, but just remember to keep the focus on you and make it a positive one.
Us codies struggle so much with not being able to "solve" the problems and be there for the answers. But the old saying really is true, you can't help someone else. They have to want to help themselves. This is the mess that he got himself into and maybe his HP will help him out of it, maybe not. But it is on him.
Keep chugging!
I really admire the strength and courage with which you are handling everything. It takes a lot to stay resolute to even the right decisions sometimes. I know there is not much to say here in terms of what can be done, but just remember to keep the focus on you and make it a positive one.
Us codies struggle so much with not being able to "solve" the problems and be there for the answers. But the old saying really is true, you can't help someone else. They have to want to help themselves. This is the mess that he got himself into and maybe his HP will help him out of it, maybe not. But it is on him.
Keep chugging!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
There is a difference between valid detachment, and turning your back on someone. The former entails compassion, the latter contempt.
I get the sense that, if the kindness in your heart could fix this man, you would use it to fix him, even today. That is compassion. But now you know it cannot fix him, so have detached.
Please give yourself kindness in this awful situation, not judgment.
Said warmly,
CLMI
I get the sense that, if the kindness in your heart could fix this man, you would use it to fix him, even today. That is compassion. But now you know it cannot fix him, so have detached.
Please give yourself kindness in this awful situation, not judgment.
Said warmly,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
My STBXAH is slowly killing himself, living in motels off of a credit card and retreating from the world. He is only 41. This just got bad within the past two years, before then he was a successful and nice man who drank too much sometimes. Just out of curiosity, how long has your ex been struggling with this? How old is he? I am just constantly amazed at how people fall apart like this and am trying to understand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
For a minute there I was relieved. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. However, it is the right thing to do. He has yet to find his bottom. As sad as it is, the reality is he may never find his bottom. It is his choice though...and that's the hard part. I truly believe from this post and your recent ones, you are definitely a strong woman...a steel spine wrapped in lovely velvet. And THAT is a very good thing.
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