Babyblue

The day just sucked. That is all. I was missing the RABF and then something at work really triggered me to have a meltdown. I don't feel appreciated at my job and I don't feel appreciated by the RABF. So they went hand in hand today and I fell apart.

I know that it is about appreciating myself and I really tried to be all zen-like about it but couldn't hold it in. I started crying in front of coworkers. They are friends so they were very understanding but I couldn't tell them I am crying not only because of work and my b#tchy boss but because someone I love is taking me for granted.

I feel invisible to him because of where he is (in rehab) and I felt invisible today at work. Just a crummy day.

Thanks for listening.

StarCat

It is difficult sometimes, isn't it?

I almost got pulled into the drama over XABF yesterday. His controlling daughter is dragging him to a psychologist and wanted me to tell her facts about how he treated me, so that she could bring this up to the psychologist.
I am grateful to my sponsor for reassuring me that I didn't have to talk to her - both for my own sanity, and also for XABF's, since the psychologist will get more information from what XABF says, even if he's lying half the time - and for helping me figure out how to back out that I wasn't going to do it.
I am frustrated that I'm still on their list of "solutions" to his problems, but nobody really cares at all about how I'm doing, aside from the "required" pleasantries.

We drain ourselves dry, and all they ever seem to think of is what else we could give of ourselves. But ask them for the time of day, and the door is slammed in our faces, because how dare we ask for anything.

Now that I've had time to calm down since the call came yesterday, I've started to get angry.
Time for me to grab some pudding pie for desert and go eat on the balcony, breathe some fresh air before it starts to rain.
I am so glad I'm not riding that crazy train anymore.

Babyblue

I need pudding pie!! That will fix me for sure

I am not even 'in' a situation with the "bf" because he is not around. Yet I still feel drained, I started feeling really sad (again) about him for no reason really. I was doing pretty well. But one thing (like work) starts to go awry and then it all feels like too much.

I think feeling invisible comes from my childhood. I wanted to be the kid that was good and never caused problems because of the stress and chaos in the home. Even now my mom calls to talk about her issues but then adds at the end of the conversation.... "oh and anythng new with you?" Gee thanks for asking.

That door slam thing is true. That is what I visualize sometimes in my head.

Tuffgirl

It must be something in the air. I had to forcibly snap myself out of the stinkin thinkin today...been wallowing all week. And today it was enough - when I realized it was Friday and I really haven't done much this week other than feel sorry for myself and post on SR!

So I re-read the posts on dreams and the i-quit thread...told myself I had 15 more minutes to wallow, had a good cry, and that's that. Off to start a productive weekend! I refuse to let someone else's issues effect my weekend. Especially when its sunny and warm outside.

Hang in there - this just sucks, I know. But try to find a way to turn your thinking around. Don't let it ruin your weekend, either.

Alone22

I had a little pity party too this week. This time it was my AF that set me off. I had a good cry but it took most of the day before I could really let it go. Invisible is something I can completely relate to. If I strapped a beer, the TV remote and AH favorite Xbox game to me maybe I would get his attention....but maybe not.

ItsmeAlice

I bet if you dug deep you could find 3 things that didn't suck today.
You could start with the fact that we live in a world with pudding pie. Yes we do

Helps me get over the crummy spells to at least note the less crummy bits.

1. Found a pair of shoes today that I'd been hoping to find and under budget, too.
2. Tried out a little vacuum I bought for cheap at a flea market, works better than the fancy one I bought years ago that never did work well.
3. Managed to fix a toilet leak myself and saved a call to a plumber.

As for the rest of my day, I'm going to "take what I like, and leave the rest."

Give it a go. You might feel better about trying again tomorrow.

Alice

stella27

My friends have all decided that their lives are full enough without me and they all seem to have decided this at the same time. It probably is true that everyone is busy and it isn't about ME, but just the same, I am so lonely tonight.

Feeling unappreciated is what we have in common, BB. I am dwelling on it, indulging it. Staying in and having a good cry. I rarely get to cry when I really feel like it because of my children, so tonight I am just soaking up the melancholy.

I have to believe it's okay to mourn sometimes. For you too.

Babyblue

Yeah something must be in the air (friday the 13th!). I plan to just get my emotions out and usually I have lots of clarity afterwards. Like I have to purge things.

I tried to think of 3 good things that happened today. It was a beautiful sunny day today. My son had a good day. I bought mexican churros for dessert

My closest friends all have things going on in their lives; one is out of town, the other is dealing with family issues, those are the two best friends who are there for me, they've not been around as long as the RABF has been away so it is like a lot of people I felt close to aren't here.

As for the RABF, I feel forgotten. Maybe that is extreme thinking but it is just how I feel and it sucks

You are all invited to my pity party. I will put out snacks.

StarCat

My mother used to do this all the time.
The last time she tried, she told me about how my sister's boyfriend quit his job and moved to live with my sister and didn't even try to find a job before moving, so now he's stuck in a different state, no way to get the old job back, and unable to find a new one.
She wanted to have a phone conversation where we both talked about how stupid a decision my sister's boyfriend made, and how we should both go call my sister and tell her so.
Instead, I told her that her job is to be my sister's mother, and a mother's job is to voice her thoughts and opinions and then back off and let her children do what they decide to do. I told her she'd already told my sister once, so her job was done, and it was time to step back, see what happened, and let them both learn from their mistakes (if this indeed turns out to be one).
The end result? "Oh... Really...? Uh... StarCat, sorry, I've got to go... Uh..." *Click*
I haven't heard from her since. People don't really like it when you don't conform to what they want from you, do they?

Score another win for my serenity...

Although I still wish I could have a real relationship with her, I have surrendered to being grateful for the things that are possible.


I will volunteer vanilla pudding in a chocolate Oreo cookie crust.
It tastes even better than I thought I would. And it's easy to make! Just buy the stuff store-bought, add milk, stir, pour the pudding into your store-bought crust, and then the hard part - leave it in the fridge overnight before you eat some.
I always have trouble with that last part.

That's a good idea to write down things you're grateful for.
I have pudding pie (and I made it yesterday, so I can eat it today!)
My last three roses came, and two of them are bigger than I expected, and will probably bloom shortly (and will be gorgeous).
I am almost done with the harder parts of Peaches' kitty condo (need more rope), so after that I can have fun adding toys all over it (and she loves it already, even though it's "boring" right now).

Babyblue

Sometimes I think it is ok to feel like this. I just don't like it very much, letting my emotions feel so raw but I am the only one who can really validate my feelings.

If I wait around for others to do it, then that is how I get to feeling invisible in the first place.

I am going to now pretend I am Peaches the cat, eating pudding cake in my kitty condo.. wallowing a bit in my self pity.

Tomorrow will be better.

TakingCharge999

Mexican churros? did you try them dipped in dulce de leche?

That kitty condo, is that a tree for indoor cats?? are you actually building one yourself StarCat??




This week SUCKED. And now facebook triggers me. I am hiding all notifications LOL.


One was of a girl friend saying "I am blessed by life again, fell in love and very happy again" and I was like..

In a relationship?


HAPPY?


.....


I was like "wow.. normal people are happy to go out with someone!!" DUH!! NEWSFLASH but given I have been too sensitive I could cry over this. Sheesh.



Bottomline I just realize how I have abandoned myself.



After 2 years I realize I have NOT gone to ANY place that has music I LIKE!! I have gone to a few really sucky places!! for food, for "entertainment"..and with really bad company... !!



And now I realize I got no friends to go to those places with me :/ most are already married and/or with children.




I am sending a few messages for old friends but given I haven't contacted them in YEARS I am not sure what the response will be.

Anyway, well, THEY could have contacted me too, and I am not angry or anything (I dislike possesive friendships)...

I even entertained the idea of inviting my ex... DUH!!!! so it seems it will be another Wild Weekend, going to the gym, getting groceries, working, studying



Sometimes I wonder why I am not like The Normal People with lots of enthusiasm and contacts and plans?

TakingCharge999

I swear I see abandonment and invisibility in every place.

I know I still send that message.

Also I was going to write to my dad but - no, I am way too angry.

I feel hurt for all these 30 years of sadness and pain and suffering, some of it normal, but most of it imaginary. Seeing other people that "have had it better" emotionally is an eye opener.

I really feel like we are not the same species but well at least now I have another outlook. As LTD says.. acknowledgment is the first step....... and no, there can be no action, if one does not start by acknowledging what was and what is now.


At least I got my dear cats with me.

TakingCharge999

Tuffgirl I didn't achieve much either and got scolded at work. Feeling unmotivated.

Tomorrow is a new day.

TakingCharge999

Sorry.. me again.. lol

I realized I am behaving codie like in one of my new friendships.

Also I met a new friend and he is in facebook. A couple of comments I didn't like and I couldn't act as if I liked him anymore.. I was kind of rude... he is sad due to a breakup and I just didn't like his comments to me or the way he looked at me... why do I attract these people??? sheeesh.....

Now the good news, I don't feel responsible for accepting his request not being friendly to him......... nothing... but, the bad news is that I won't be able to hang around with that "circle"... although its OK... the other night they stayed for dinner HOURSSSSSSS and HOURSSSSSSSS and two were going on and on about how drunk they used to be and all the idiot things they did then......... UGH.

I'll keep checking to see if I can find ppl more like me ....... and if they can be SOBER and *slightly* HAPPIER it would be great....

Babyblue

Don't be fooled by the veneer of happy pics posted on facebook. No one can be *that* happy as some pics that I see from h.s. pals.

I'd much rather talk to and interact people who have had to struggle and cope with life's hardships than those who have no idea what life really is about.

No one has it better, they just hide it well

That happy relationship/marraige pic posted by someone? He probably cheated on her, she is probably controlling, they may be in debt up to their eyeballs, their kids may end up in jail, who knows right?

I am happy with my messy self and my messy world. It makes me who I am.
I think people like us have an honesty about ourselves that others do not have. But it makes us feel vulnerable and isolated sometimes.

Linkmeister

This week has been a washout for me as well. My mom went home after her visit and the place feels empty. Funny thing is that for the first time in many years, I'm living on my own (clear across the country), loving it but I miss my mom! I'm 53, she's 86, flew out here by herself and after a hip replacement, has navigated the city here with great relish!

Even the dog is down in the dumps. He's got the big, sad eyes, not knowing what he wants to do.

Should be doing my Accounting (2 lessons left) but I can't get my butt in gear. It's Saturday night, TV sucks, I'm OD'ing on chocolate and thinking that I am going to go to bed and read my book instead of doing Lesson 9! I'm prioritizing what's important.......

My EXABF is out there on FB, Plentyoffish and several dating sites. According to them, he drinks "socially." ROTFLMAO! He has no friends/family to speak of-he pushed them all away. You can be whoever you want on line and a few words on a FB page does not mean life is all good.