Sound advice needed...please
Servant of God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
Sound advice needed...please
I posted elsewhere and didn't get a response but I'm in a real dilemma.
I have been using drugs behind my wife and kids back for 4+ years. My wife caught me using 4 years ago and I convinced her that I would quit. I ha been using for a back injury for a year at that time.
I decided it was time a little more than a week ago and quickly tapered and have now been without for 3 days.
My wife does not trust me, for good reason, and not a month goes by without her unkindly reminding me of the lies from 4 years ago. She is not at all an addict and does not understand it at all. We lie.
We have three beautiful young boys that are the content of our relationship. We do not have a mutually supportive relationship and I don't claim to own a tad over my 50% responsibility for that.
I have felt the need at times over the last few days to come out and tell her what has happened but am sure that the response is going to be bad.
Am I supposed to be honest regardless of consequence? Kids are involved. Do I need to do it now? Do I need to do it ever?
Do I need a new partner? I know one thing that has always bothered me is that the closer to health I get, the more I don't want to be in a marriage with this woman.
I don't really need answers to all of this...these are just my difficult questions.
I can't shake wanting power and controll over some of the things that can't be controlled. Letting go and giving it all to a higher power is just excruciating for me. It's arrogant, but I feel like I can fix everything with planning and execution and it's this belief that often fuels my demise.
I have been using drugs behind my wife and kids back for 4+ years. My wife caught me using 4 years ago and I convinced her that I would quit. I ha been using for a back injury for a year at that time.
I decided it was time a little more than a week ago and quickly tapered and have now been without for 3 days.
My wife does not trust me, for good reason, and not a month goes by without her unkindly reminding me of the lies from 4 years ago. She is not at all an addict and does not understand it at all. We lie.
We have three beautiful young boys that are the content of our relationship. We do not have a mutually supportive relationship and I don't claim to own a tad over my 50% responsibility for that.
I have felt the need at times over the last few days to come out and tell her what has happened but am sure that the response is going to be bad.
Am I supposed to be honest regardless of consequence? Kids are involved. Do I need to do it now? Do I need to do it ever?
Do I need a new partner? I know one thing that has always bothered me is that the closer to health I get, the more I don't want to be in a marriage with this woman.
I don't really need answers to all of this...these are just my difficult questions.
I can't shake wanting power and controll over some of the things that can't be controlled. Letting go and giving it all to a higher power is just excruciating for me. It's arrogant, but I feel like I can fix everything with planning and execution and it's this belief that often fuels my demise.
Moment of Conception
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Planet Tragedy
Posts: 453
You are a smart guy, see your gp, tell your wife first, i dunno. You gotta come clean in your head at least, or you flog the dead horse.
You want, need to save something... so do it.
You want, need to save something... so do it.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
From your post, you're now 3 days clean/sober, yes ?
For what its worth, my advice would be to focus on that and let everything else work itself out over time, the longer you are sober the clearer the answers to you're other questions will become to you.
Once you have admitted to something you cant take it back, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about coming clean about the amount of drinking i used to do, I've realised though that as long as I dont go back to that way of life that there is no need, why open the can of worms if you dont have to.
I would suggest that 3 days is too early to make any decisions about your marriage.
If it was me I'd set myself some goals and then adjust what you plan to do from there.
It worked for me, I used to say to myself that I'd chat to my family once I had 30 days sober, once I had 30 days I decided the chat could wait till 90 days, the 90 days became 6 months, then a year, then I decided that if it aint broke why try and fix it, now the only thing that would make me ever confess to my alcohol problems would be if they return ( its now nearly 3 years since I touched the stuff ).
It may be that you need to confess as part of your recover, it may be that you dont, just remember that you cant take the words back once you've said them though, get a few weeks sobriety under your belt and ask yourself the question again.
For what its worth, my advice would be to focus on that and let everything else work itself out over time, the longer you are sober the clearer the answers to you're other questions will become to you.
Once you have admitted to something you cant take it back, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about coming clean about the amount of drinking i used to do, I've realised though that as long as I dont go back to that way of life that there is no need, why open the can of worms if you dont have to.
I would suggest that 3 days is too early to make any decisions about your marriage.
If it was me I'd set myself some goals and then adjust what you plan to do from there.
It worked for me, I used to say to myself that I'd chat to my family once I had 30 days sober, once I had 30 days I decided the chat could wait till 90 days, the 90 days became 6 months, then a year, then I decided that if it aint broke why try and fix it, now the only thing that would make me ever confess to my alcohol problems would be if they return ( its now nearly 3 years since I touched the stuff ).
It may be that you need to confess as part of your recover, it may be that you dont, just remember that you cant take the words back once you've said them though, get a few weeks sobriety under your belt and ask yourself the question again.
Servant of God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
Fizzy, I can't thank you enough for this post...it reminds me that the only reason I would come clean is to gain something for me. When I really focus on that I'm not sure that it's necessary right now.
Yes, today is day 3
Yes, today is day 3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi FN
I've never been in your position but I do know from my experience truth will always out.
You know your wife and your marriage better than any of us here, but personally I'd rather tell my wife than have her find out Id been using for 4+ years behind her back...
D
I've never been in your position but I do know from my experience truth will always out.
You know your wife and your marriage better than any of us here, but personally I'd rather tell my wife than have her find out Id been using for 4+ years behind her back...
D
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Nothings necessary at day 3 in my opinion ( apart from not taking anymore of what you were taking of course).
You say your wife doesn't trust you, bet she starts to once you've been clean for a good while, your kids will be grateful to have a sober dad as well.
I found that the longer I was sober then the clearer things got, I've 2 kids ( age 7 and 4) , they helped me work it out as well, for me anyway my family is the main reason I sorted myself out.
The downside of keeping your recovery a secret as I did is that you've not the same support, thats where I found this site invaluable, I used it heavily during my first sober year or so.
Given time you'll work out all the answers youself I reckon, main thing is that you saty sober that is the absolute key to everything, your sobriety matters before all the rest of the stuff and it will all fall into place, kids, wife, everyone will start to trust you again given time.
Its a long haul though and we cant pretend it will be easy.
Take it a day at a time though, the days very soon become weeks, then months, fill your days if you can though, for me I rediscovered reading, I buy a heck of a load of books, much better for me than the drink though.
I'm not on here very often these days, I wish you all the best though, hope it all works out.
You say your wife doesn't trust you, bet she starts to once you've been clean for a good while, your kids will be grateful to have a sober dad as well.
I found that the longer I was sober then the clearer things got, I've 2 kids ( age 7 and 4) , they helped me work it out as well, for me anyway my family is the main reason I sorted myself out.
The downside of keeping your recovery a secret as I did is that you've not the same support, thats where I found this site invaluable, I used it heavily during my first sober year or so.
Given time you'll work out all the answers youself I reckon, main thing is that you saty sober that is the absolute key to everything, your sobriety matters before all the rest of the stuff and it will all fall into place, kids, wife, everyone will start to trust you again given time.
Its a long haul though and we cant pretend it will be easy.
Take it a day at a time though, the days very soon become weeks, then months, fill your days if you can though, for me I rediscovered reading, I buy a heck of a load of books, much better for me than the drink though.
I'm not on here very often these days, I wish you all the best though, hope it all works out.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi FNB3,
I think that honesty is crucial in recovery. Yes, addicts lie, but we need to stop the lying in order to get well.
You said at the end of your post, that the closer you get to health, the less you want to be married to your wife. That is a very telling statement. The only thing I would say, is to be cautious at the moment because you are just 3 days sober (good for you!) and still likely emotional and maybe unsure as to where you are headed.
I think that honesty is crucial in recovery. Yes, addicts lie, but we need to stop the lying in order to get well.
You said at the end of your post, that the closer you get to health, the less you want to be married to your wife. That is a very telling statement. The only thing I would say, is to be cautious at the moment because you are just 3 days sober (good for you!) and still likely emotional and maybe unsure as to where you are headed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
It's natural after a few days of being deprived of drugs or alcohol to feel anxious, remorseful, and want to start to fix everything. But there is a proper time and place for full disclosure of what we've been doing behind the backs of our loved ones.
As has been said here before, your amends and honesty will mean nothing if you are not able to recover from your addiction.
You need to find recovered addicts who can help you through this-- who can help you keep the focus on recovery.
Our experience is that it's nearly impossible to do this alone.
As has been said here before, your amends and honesty will mean nothing if you are not able to recover from your addiction.
You need to find recovered addicts who can help you through this-- who can help you keep the focus on recovery.
Our experience is that it's nearly impossible to do this alone.
Servant of God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
I wouldn't say that I'm 3 days sober. In 3 days without. I've been sober before and to me it's a way of life and a behavior. In theory its being recovered from a sick way o thinking and living to where you actually could drink or use like the average guy...bit you don't.
If I had to say exactly when I lost my sobriety, I would guess it was when I got involved with my wife and began engaging in behaviors that were old patterns and sick...well before I ever started using again.
I spent $$$, I overate, I got involved in a toxic relationship and drifted from behaviors I had practiced when I was recovered. Using came much later.
I am emotional and unsure for sure, but Im insightful and somewhat clear.
If I had to say exactly when I lost my sobriety, I would guess it was when I got involved with my wife and began engaging in behaviors that were old patterns and sick...well before I ever started using again.
I spent $$$, I overate, I got involved in a toxic relationship and drifted from behaviors I had practiced when I was recovered. Using came much later.
I am emotional and unsure for sure, but Im insightful and somewhat clear.
What would Captain America do?
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 83
I have a similar experience with my wife. I was so afraid to tell her I started again, thought for sure she would leave! Coming clean was the best thing, not having to hide or lie. Making sure you delete your history on the internet, or checking your pockets, stupid stuff like that. It was THE BEST thing for me and was very liberating. Giant Gorilla off my back, as they say. I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart, show some emotion. She'll see how scared and ashamed you are (I sure as hell was) and may respond well to that. Only one way to find out, but I think you need to do it.
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