BobbyJ

I am learning what "QUACKING" means. Somedays slower than others.

I didnt see how bad his drinking was, until a family member pointed it out.
The entire town knew it, except me....

Why did I come home from work and believe the reason he was in bed
by 6pm, was due to his back hurting....

Why do I still believe he is early recovery, when everyone else
tells me he sounds drunk on the phone?.....

Why do I still believe he will attend some type of recovery program
and someday soon, get all better?

I really have soul searched myself over and over. And cant seem to
answer this question about myself..

Any ideas?

suki44883

Ever hear the saying...Can't see the forest for the trees? That's applicable in this situation. We can't see how bad things are while we are in the midst of the chaos. That's why we suggest that people take some time away from the madness to get a fresh outlook. It's so much easier to see what is going on when we are not actively involved.

Bolina

Because you don't want to.

And that's OK, you know? Spotting this stuff is part of what recovery is about.

dancingnow

Hey BJ, I ask myself the same question plenty of times.

With all my screaming and shouting to AH that he is in denial, I come to realize that I am also probably in some denial.

I am working on acceptance - mainly acceptance that as much as I want AH to be in a recovery program right now and recover the way I think he should recover it does not work that way.

The only person I can help recover is myself and it's hard to keep that focus on myself everyday and so I think I tend to sway back and forth and deny the situation every so often.

Hope you don't mind, I am using this post to put my word out hoping my actions will follow.

I thought sharing where I am at might be helpful, may or may not be.

BobbyJ

We are apart and I still cant see all of it...

My friends and family, have talked to him on the phone this week,
and they said he was drunk.

I talked to him too...But I didnt think he sounded drunk...

My friends and family are literally ready to kick my @ss...LOL

Is it because Im so use to hearing his voice drunk?
or
Am I just truely that stupid?

Bolina

Well, yes, that could be part of it. The used to it bit, not the stupid! You know the story of the frog? Put it in boiling water and it will jump straight out. Put it in cold water and heat it slowly on the stove and it will stay in and die.

I haven't been here in a while, so I'll have to go back and read your previous posts, but is the drinking actually the issue? Is he otherwise kind and supportive and an asset (rather than a hindrance) to your life?

LaTeeDa

Being physically apart does not necessarily equal letting go. When you are enmeshed with another person it's difficult to have clarity. And that's true regardless of the physical proximity.

L

SoloMio

Because we've "normalized" their behavior in our minds. It becomes part of our daily life, so we desensitize ourselves to it.

The other night, I was talking to my son, and as some of you know, I'm on a short-term separation from AH. So DS says, "No, Dad's been drinking, but he's not bad. He hasn't passed out in the car."

????? When it's normal for your spouse to pass out in the car, and he's doing great even if he's drinking every day because he's not passed out... that's normalizing behavior in a sick way.

So, while what other people see as simply not normal, it's become normal.

That's one of the many reasons I'm here--so I can stand back, and, as suki said, see the forest for the trees. (and LaTeeDa is right--I know that my being here won't "cure" my obsessions, but I do think I have been able to get some needed objectivity in the process.

Buffalo66

solomio nailed it, for me.

You have become so adjusted to bad behavior, toxic love, that he seems like hes doing great because he didnt call you a F8&^ing #*@ one day.

With me, its (on his part.)

"I am lying a LOT less, now..And I only manipulate if it happens by accident..."
Pretty low standards for good, decent behavior?

Yes.
This is kind of where your head is at, and you dont want to look at how bad things have been, but some part of you knows, because you came here to learn, share and process it.

duqld1717

Love is blind. When we love someone, we generally love the whole of them through good and bad, sickness and in health. Even if the whole of them can be toxic to us, we love them anyway. Other people don't see them in the same light as we do. We think about them with the emotional side of our brain, other people think about them using the logical side of their brain.

Cyranoak

...I think love in more pure than that. It's not love that causes us to be in denial. IMHO real, authentic, healthy love sees truth no matter how painful it is to see it.

I think obsession is blind. I think addiction is blind.

I used to be obsessed with my wife, and I'm still working through my addiction to her. Both of these things are separate from my love for her which is what has helped me to live in my real world, instead of the world of denial I had so carefully built.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

suki44883

We are apart and I still cant see all of it...

Just living in different houses does not equal getting away from the madness. Having no contact at all for a while is what you need in order to clear your head. I agree that we become used to things that others might find absolutely insane. It's all relative. It's like being grateful that someone doesn't lie 100% of the time, they only lie 50% of the time. While it may be better than it was, it is still far from what is considered acceptable to someone not inside the chaos.

dancingnow

This hits the nail on the head for me. I think I am swimming in between obsession, addiction and true love of someone I only know a small part of.

Part of a poem keeps popping up in my head from a very long time ago - by Ron Padgett - "once I rested up against a tree for so long I got stuck to it, that kind of love is terrible"

I think that is saying something similar to me of what Cyranoak just posted.

IDK just needed to post this as I have been obsessing over it in my head and it seemed to fit here!

Buffalo66

Yep, well said, Cryanoak

sesh

You're not stupid, hun. But you are probably too used to seeing and hearing him under the influence that you probably don't even remember or know what is he supposed to look and sound like when he is not.
On your initial question I think you don't see it because you're not ready to. That's your self protective instics working for you. I discovered in my own struggles I couldn't see the forrest from the trees as long as the idea of facing that huge forrest (even though I wasn't even aware of it) was so terrifying for me to get through it. I knew it would break me, I knew it would be too much for me, so I kept dancing the codie dance. Only when the thought of staying where I was became more terrifing than anything else, I was ready to see things for what they really were.
As once you do that, there is no turning back, you are left alone. Do don't only lose a person, you lose your dreams and illusions too. Everything changes, there were so many great changes, but also for me that alone thing didn't only mean alone without the presence of others, but alone in my heart and soul, deprived of the illusion of the happy little life, two people bonded together for better and worse, and the rest. I am aware I can not predict life that is to come and I know everything is possible, but for me right now it is impossible to imagine that I will ever have that feeling of lightness one has when sharing a life with someone else. That loneliness of soul is the thing that scares me the most, and I know that was the very reason I kept pushing for years, and kept fighting for my marriage with my AH. I guess the simplest way to say it is: I was dreading the thought of losing my dreams, my illusinons of safety, and facing my life alone regardless of the fact will I ever again have somebody standing next to me. As I am painfully aware the only one that can save me is only me, I can never again expect someone else to make my life better. It is liberating in a way too, but on a bad days (such as this one) it feels so lonely and scary.
But there are more good days than the bad ones, and than I know I will be OK, I know my life before was madness, and I'm greateful for the peace I have now.
So my point is you'll see it when you're ready, not a second sooner or later. I'm not sure that sounds optimistic, but trust me it is. You'll get there when the time is right.
HUGS

BobbyJ

Ironically, tonights class was about letting go & denial...

I sat there like a deer in front of head lights...

Sylvie66

There's a line from an Annie Lennox song:

"If something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it
The first to admit it - but the last one to know"

You're not alone in this.

- Sylvie

Linkmeister

I agree-living in different houses is only a physical separation, not an emotional one. You're still caught up in the chaos of their addiction and our addiction to them and their addiction. It's a vicious cycle that can only be broken by as complete as can be No Contact (unless there's kids involved) as can be done.

It's working for me and friends are starting to tell me things not just about EXABF but about how I reacted to the chaos that I didn't or couldn't or wouldn't see. It's slowly sinking in.

Living with addiction, we get used to our warped version of normal-a perfect example of that is the thread (now stickied) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ldnt-know.html on things a "Normie" wouldn't know. Re-reading some of the posts is a real eye-opener to what we all have all lived with and at some time, considered "acceptable behaviour."

japabp2000

I think everyone else see's it because we don't want to. That's the way it is with me and my AH. It is denial on our part I guess too. (((((Hugs))))))