pennywistle

I stopped going to meetings awhile ago for a lot of reasons, one being mainly because I felt very 'toxic' afterwards, especially after speaking. I don't know why this is, but I don't think of it as a bad thing and to make me stop going anymore.
I went to my first meeting today in a very long time and that old funky feeling came back. I was just wondering if this is normal. Thanks, Penny

suki44883

I don't understand what you mean by feeling "toxic."

pennywistle

I think toxic could be described as a mixture of all the kinds of emotions that don't feel good like guilt, remorse, embarrassment, sadness, anger, scared and the 'what the heck am I doing here with all these people? Why did I just say that? Is this really for me?' kinds of feelings.

Mark75

My own experience...

Until I understood the program of AA, the 12 steps, until I started taking action, meetings left me a little, well, maybe toxic is too strong a word for my own experience....

Have you a sponsor? Have you started working in the steps? If so, AWESOME!!... maybe you just aren't ready to share yet, maybe you can just listen and leave with a lighter heart... If not, if you haven't started the work... What are you waiting for!!

suki44883

Oh. Well, yeah, I guess that could be considered a somewhat normal feeling. Just being there is admitting to something you would rather not have to admit, so it makes sense to feel those feelings.

pattenat

As an infant in the program (40 days sober) ........

Are not those the feelings that made you go? Your admission for what alcohol was doing in and to your life?

I know when I left my first AA meeting for the first time in a long time I felt a sense of belonging. Like I was with people that understood what I was going through. And was elated, absolutely elated!

Frankly IMO, if you're not there to learn, work the steps, work the program, and be honest with yourself and want to take action in your recovery. You're just wasting my time.

I don't mind listening to a drunk-o-log if it ends with the actions you're taking to change.

BP44

I wouldn't call what you're experiencing "toxic". I call what you're experiencing discomfort. And if you're waiting to be comfortable to get sober, well, I just haven't seen that happen. Early sobriety is just uncomfortable. Walk into an AA meeting and my God, this is just too real. And don't look now, but I'm sitting in a room full of these, these, THESE ALCOHOLICS!!!!!! They even call themselves alcoholics OUT LOUD. And they talk about the things that they did, and where it took them. And then I start to realize they are talking about what I've been experiencing. And then they are able to describe how they felt and it's exactly what I'm feeling. And they said they got past it and gave me hope that if I did what they did, I would too. And guess what, it wasn't comfortable. Most people who continue to seek comfort above sobriety don't get or stay sober. One of the first lessons I was taught was FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS. And I had to start making decisions not based on what I felt, but what was the right course of action. That was a totally foreign concept to me.

pattenat

Penny just wanted to add. I'm not trying to be rude, nasty or mean. But I'm completely committed to my recovery and you have to look at yoursef and the things that you've done because of the alcoholism before you can take the steps and make the changes that need to be made. (All those "toxic" feelings)

I just didn't want to get off on the wrong foot here and everyone is not always going to be able to sugar coat everything they say.

I happen to be one of those people that don't want sugar coating. If I want sugar coating I'll go by some donuts. Capiche?

DayTrader

Thanks for the explanation.

From what you said, it seems the feelings of toxicity would be normal. We alkies typically run from problems, don't deal with them, hide them, deny their existence (denial), or don't even notice them because we avoid them altogether (delusion).

Sometimes it's tough to face what we really are and hearing it at tables can bring up lots of feelings that don't feel pleasant That said though, please don't misinterpret unpleasantness with something that should be avoided. The actions of recovery don't always feel good.....but they're necessary to get to results we're looking for.

Think of training for the Olympics. Getting up early in the AM, the workouts, the discipline......I'd imagine none of that stuff necessarily feels good at the time. To compete at an Olympic level though, those training sessions are absolutely necessary.

The point I'm trying to make is that we (well, I....) sometimes get caught in the trap where "if it feels good, it IS good / if it feels bad, it IS bad." In reality though, sometimes we have to break through some walls, which hurts at the time, to get to the other side where things are better.

And on a side note.....it's possible you haven't found a "good" meeting yet - I really can't say. Make sure you do some exploring though. Hit as many different ones as you can and be on the hunt for the groups full of folks with some time, with smiles on their faces, and with a message that makes you feel hopeful.

Music

Did you ever consider that maybe you should feel all these things and that by working the steps, maybe there'll come a time when you won't feel "toxic?" Try listening and identifying instead of just "feeling." Feelings can change but if you're alcoholic, unless you stop drinking nothing will change.

tomvlll

Does anyone else feel 'toxic' after meetings ??

Yes -Charlie Sheen.

LetsGoJets

my experience....

Good sponsorship led me to more literature based meetings where i heard THE AA message, not the meetings where some shmuck walks up to the podium with 18 yrs sober gives a 30 minute drunk-a-logue, then ends it with a 30 second" and im still powerless over alcohol, i choose not to drink a day at a time and since i didnt drink today im a winner. " What an awful message to give to a newcomer.... I went to those meetings and i stayed in that revolving door of relapse after relapse after relapse....terrible place to be....but great stuff when I heard the real AA message, because it made me want to chase the recovery and stay with the people who were in the deal....

joedris

Let's focus on the statement "What the heck am I doing here with all these people?". Seems like you feel that you don't fit in. I felt that way at first, sitting there listening to everyone talk and asking myself the same question. But I found that I was comparing myself to them, finding all those things that I didn't have in common so as to justify that I didn't belong there.

Then someone mentioned that maybe I should try and relate rather than compare. Find those things that I had in common with everyone else. Big eyeopener. Ended up with a list of common traits three times as long as the list of things we didn't have in common. After that little exercise, there was no question of what I was doing there. I was right where I belonged.

tomvlll

I don't that's all that uncommon.
There is still quite a bit of sigma attached to alcoholism.
Before I came to AA I looked down on alcoholics.
Those were the pathetic losers that went beyond hard partying ( which was cool) .

So I came to AA. Learned a thing or two about alcoholism an figured out that I was like everybody in the room in 2 areas.

I couldn't quit drinking even thought I tried.
Once I started drinking ,I couldn't control.

Of course, that's the BB definition of alcoholism.

Any other similarities were not relevant.

We were all there for one reason-our common problem.

Pete55

If you are feeling "toxic", it's probably that some of those who have shared have not shared recovery,rather shared a drunk-a-log or a resentment, but not meaning to at times.

Pray for their recovery, because humility is one of the key principles in recovery, humilty and surrender, the "toxic" feeling may start to evaporate more and more each time.

CarolD

PW.......good to see you again...
I lost track of you after you left our
"2 weeks and under" daily support thread.

I left my first AA meeting half way through.

"Who were these laughing talking hugging people?"
"And the speaker ..his story was horrific"
"I'm not that sick!"

3 years later...I was that sick...and back I went
and have been shown a life of joy and purpose

Steps....it's all about the steps for me.
I consider meetings are like classrooms for growth
the more often I go....the better my life is.

Apparently....I was the toxic person....
felt great to shed the title.

yeahgr8

Yes i totally understand what you mean, i felt the same way on the few visits to AA over the years!

When i went into AA the last time it was with the express purpose of getting sober...i found a sponsor that night and asked to work through the steps...i didn't share for the first few months as i didn't want to and it was good to listen, obviously with a sponsor's guidance on who i should be listening to...

Jfanagle

When I first get in the shower, the "trail dust" takes a minute to get washed off and down the drain and then shortly thereafter I get that nice clean feeling and I am refreshed and feel like a new man! Ready to start a new day.

Just came to mind when I read your question. Hope it helps.

Jon

Pilgrim

I hear you and I have no judgement towards you about whether or not your reaction is correct. My experience of sharing meetings was awful. No one at my early meetings was able to help me at all. The only woman there wasn't even alcoholic - just lonely. So I sat and listened to her talking about her week, her dog and then I went out and drank again. I asked several people to sponsor me but no one was available. They said I just didn't want it enough and that I might have to go to a treatment centre (lol).

I don't go to meetings where we share any more. Not that I have anything against them but for me, I find them strange and wonder why we do it. Can't find anything about it in the instructions on how to recover in the AA book. I found out that discussion group meetings originated in the 70s and 80s when treatment centre people thought they were a good idea. Group therapy was used to help people in some treatment (non AA) places and so we adopted that format for meetings (less the professional therapist to oversee it).

Anyway fast forward a few decades and that's mostly all we do. I found some recovery book based people who mostly meet to talk about how to help others and study the book so we can get better at it. Maybe those meetings would suit you. PM me if you want to know more.

NewGrowth

I felt that way nine times out of ten at discussion meetings, before I did the steps. Hearing people whine about their week, talk about how great this 'God' is, how powerless they all are.. blah blah blah.

I was dying - literally wasting away and all people were doing was TALKING??? Where was the action? Where was this 'cure' I had heard about? Who gives a flying fig if there is a potluck? I AM DYING HERE!

I left those meetings angry, confused, weakened and hopeless. I saw people who were mean, selfish and snobby. I went to many meetings (months of them) before anyone even said hello to me. Why was I there when no one even liked me? I had twenty friends who would be happy to see me- they were all at the bar, waiting.

What worked for me is finding a sponsor who works the steps as laid out in the BB. Then I realized what the meetings were really for. They were for the newcomer to find us- that's it. All the work, the steps, are done outside of the meeting. All the talking about how someone's week went- that did nothing for me, personally, as a newcomer. I needed work, action- a purpose. I needed an answer that wasn't alcohol.

I had to grab a sponsor to get that action and 'cure'. Working the steps was the only thing that made the meetings bearable for me. I still am tested in discussion meetings- but now it's for different reasons. I now see sponsees where before I saw people who had no answers and were wasting my time.

This is just my personal experience, of course.