grizz

Hi all,
It hit me after reading a lot of posts in the last days that as I look at my life, it is though I am on the outside of a window looking into a life that I dont recognize. Maybe it is because I havent been down this road very long, but I think of my life before this new normal set in, and things really arent that bad. Is this self denial of what is really going on? I long for those days where I couldnt wait to get home, instead of wondering how softly I am going to have to walk on those eggshells later in the evening. I find myself checking the kitchen counter first thing when I get home to see if there is a new bottle of wine there, hoping there isnt, but knowing there will be. I just wish I look at my AW in eyes and tell doesnt she see what is going on and her say Yes your right, lets go back to what we had....

grizz

StarCat

The longing for the way things are before is a large part of why I stayed so long with my XABF. The verbal abuse got worse, the emotional abuse got worse, the drinking got worse, the "not drunk" time was less and less, he'd drink more in less time, and still I hung in there believing that things would get better and go back to where things were before.

Until one day, I realized that things had gotten so much worse that I didn't recognize "us" anymore, and I especially didn't recognize me.

jayscott

I can relate to what you describe...though I always thought of it more like "through the looking glass". The worst part was knowing that I was at least able to detect my self-denial from time to time; my AW never had those moments of clarity. When you have a 4-day binge, you lose the memory of several days of your life.

I've often seen people talk here about how alcoholism is "progressive," but it's something completely different to look back at my journal of the past two years of her drinking and see the before and after.

barb dwyer

Nothing in the natural world ever 'goes back'.

Rivers don't go back.
Mountains don't go back.
Migrating animals don't even go back in the same way every time.
(ok maybe I watch too mych 'Nature' and 'Nova')
yes the HERD 'goes back' to the winter grounds
but it's often not the same animals.

There's a difference.

That's kinda what we're talking about the living in the past thing
only it's a longing for the past.
Either one keeps us out of the present.

The point of power...is in the present.
The only place change can occur ... is right here.

Not in the future...we're not there yet.
Not in the past... whatever it is/was cannot ever be undone.

Right here. Right now.

It isn't easy, I'm not saying 'thou shalt not look back'
but
we can learn to stop doing that
because it's just ...pain.
SOmetimes it's how we bring pain..
into an otherwise ... okay... present.

We learn through our recovery
that we don't have to look back any more
because we've learned that right here
is where the beauty is.

It takes a ton of committment and practice.
but what you're doing is natural
for where you are in this recovery thing.

if it becomes a habit
then it's a problem
like I talked about.

but for a while
what hurts
just has to hurt
until it ebbs
as we learn to keep moving.

Hope something in all that verbage helps.

zrx1200R

Yep. Me too. Ever feel compelled to return home, yet knowing when you get there things will not be good?

I can't remember my uncomplicated life of before. Although I do cheat. I work out of town during the week now, and have my own house a few nights a week. It is quiet and peaceful there. Both my kids have used it as a safe have as well.

hope2be

[QUOTE=barb dwyer;2847627]Nothing in the natural world ever 'goes back'.


Not in the future...we're not there yet.
Not in the past... whatever it is/was cannot ever be undone.

Thanks Barb - For me, the revolving door of the past kept me from changing. It's time I exit.