Ok, here goes...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 14
Ok, here goes...
Hello all. I am new to online alcoholism forums. To share a little about myself...
I am a heavy drinker/functioning private alcoholic who has been to one-on-one counseling twice in the past in regard to this. I have recently relocated for employment reasons (which has proven very promising) and the hours are quite taxing. I find it difficult to find time to drink (of course, I find the time), but I don't know how long this can last...as I require my sleep to adequately perform. I guess this is why I chose this forum. I have never successfully quit or cut down for any length of time...well, ever...since I began problem drinking. I cannot honestly say that I will...or that I will even return to this forum on a regular basis. I know and I have known that something needs to change...but, the alcoholic in me says that I can/will some day cut back. Complete abstinence is foreign to me, and I will not accept that notion...sorry, just won't. I am sure that there is more that I can/should divulge (and certainly will if necessary). Regardless, any insight that can be offered would be appreciated. Thanks.
I am a heavy drinker/functioning private alcoholic who has been to one-on-one counseling twice in the past in regard to this. I have recently relocated for employment reasons (which has proven very promising) and the hours are quite taxing. I find it difficult to find time to drink (of course, I find the time), but I don't know how long this can last...as I require my sleep to adequately perform. I guess this is why I chose this forum. I have never successfully quit or cut down for any length of time...well, ever...since I began problem drinking. I cannot honestly say that I will...or that I will even return to this forum on a regular basis. I know and I have known that something needs to change...but, the alcoholic in me says that I can/will some day cut back. Complete abstinence is foreign to me, and I will not accept that notion...sorry, just won't. I am sure that there is more that I can/should divulge (and certainly will if necessary). Regardless, any insight that can be offered would be appreciated. Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,609
Hi DJD88
Welcome. I refused that notion too - drinking wasn't just what I did, to me it was a part of who I was.
I could never imagine not having drinking in my life, although I didn't want to drink so much or so often, or on my own...I didn't want the embarrassments, or the friends I'd lost, or the gnawing I felt when I didn't have a drink...but I wanted to drink cos I was scared not to. I wanted to drink...but I wanted to control it.
I didn't realise then that, because I couldn't let it go completely, booze already controlled me.
I tried for 20 years to bend drinking to my will.
It nearly (literally) killed me.
I ended up having no choice but to try another way - that of not drinking at all...and personally I'm glad I did. I love my life and I like who I am now. I wouldn't have missed this.
So...it's a free country...and we all have to make our own way....I wish you well with whatever you do DJD...but we'll be here if you ever wanna come back
D
Welcome.
Complete abstinence is foreign to me, and I will not accept that notion...sorry, just won't.
I could never imagine not having drinking in my life, although I didn't want to drink so much or so often, or on my own...I didn't want the embarrassments, or the friends I'd lost, or the gnawing I felt when I didn't have a drink...but I wanted to drink cos I was scared not to. I wanted to drink...but I wanted to control it.
I didn't realise then that, because I couldn't let it go completely, booze already controlled me.
I tried for 20 years to bend drinking to my will.
It nearly (literally) killed me.
I ended up having no choice but to try another way - that of not drinking at all...and personally I'm glad I did. I love my life and I like who I am now. I wouldn't have missed this.
So...it's a free country...and we all have to make our own way....I wish you well with whatever you do DJD...but we'll be here if you ever wanna come back
D
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Welcome, and I'm sorry you're feeling down right now.
I know exactly how you feel. For a long time I knew I was drinking too much, but there was no reason to quit entirely. I mean, alcohol never cost me a job, or a relationship, or my driver's license or anything like that. So I just decided I'd control how much and when I drank.
That lasted for a while, until finally I did lose a couple jobs. And got arrested (2 DUIs). And I almost permanently destroyed my relationship with an amazing woman. The only reason we're together now is that 9 months ago, after years of struggling with it, I knew that I could never have a casual relationship with alcohol.
I am very thankful for the day when I realized this, because I honestly believe that to continue drinking would have led to my death or long-term incarceration.
I doubt you'll find an admitted alcoholic who has attempted to moderate their drinking and succeeded in doing so. Perhaps you will be the first I know of.
There's lots of support here if you want to take advantage of it. Many people have been through experiences similar to yours and I'm sure will have lots to share with you.
I know exactly how you feel. For a long time I knew I was drinking too much, but there was no reason to quit entirely. I mean, alcohol never cost me a job, or a relationship, or my driver's license or anything like that. So I just decided I'd control how much and when I drank.
That lasted for a while, until finally I did lose a couple jobs. And got arrested (2 DUIs). And I almost permanently destroyed my relationship with an amazing woman. The only reason we're together now is that 9 months ago, after years of struggling with it, I knew that I could never have a casual relationship with alcohol.
I am very thankful for the day when I realized this, because I honestly believe that to continue drinking would have led to my death or long-term incarceration.
I doubt you'll find an admitted alcoholic who has attempted to moderate their drinking and succeeded in doing so. Perhaps you will be the first I know of.
There's lots of support here if you want to take advantage of it. Many people have been through experiences similar to yours and I'm sure will have lots to share with you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome DJD - I didn't want to give up alcohol (and figured I couldn't anyway), but after reading on this forum for a couple months, I finally figured I would try sobriety (again).
I didn't quit because of anything in particular (like a loss, or DUI), didn't have blackouts. I did however lose a morning or two a week due to hangovers, which continued to get harder to recover from. I think the main thing I realized is that being so attached to drinking was a huge problem. I knew that if I didn't stop...... well, who knows? Maybe it would have been health problems next.
I figured I'd have to quit sometime, ya know? Why not get it over with? It took a while for the obsessive thinking to go away, but after 8 months, I really am glad I made the decision.
Good luck!
I didn't quit because of anything in particular (like a loss, or DUI), didn't have blackouts. I did however lose a morning or two a week due to hangovers, which continued to get harder to recover from. I think the main thing I realized is that being so attached to drinking was a huge problem. I knew that if I didn't stop...... well, who knows? Maybe it would have been health problems next.
I figured I'd have to quit sometime, ya know? Why not get it over with? It took a while for the obsessive thinking to go away, but after 8 months, I really am glad I made the decision.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
welcome DJ,
insite,
alcoholism is progresive,
it wants us dead,
and at the least, miserable.
thats the alcoholic voice saying that
and a functioning alcoholic,
no such thing in reality
just the time alone involved in the subterfuge and espionage,
is time not well spent on our job,
job in life,
and growth
all good wishes to you DJ,
and try to keep an open mind
rz
insite,
alcoholism is progresive,
it wants us dead,
and at the least, miserable.
Complete abstinence is foreign to me
and a functioning alcoholic,
no such thing in reality
just the time alone involved in the subterfuge and espionage,
is time not well spent on our job,
job in life,
and growth
all good wishes to you DJ,
and try to keep an open mind
rz
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
Why not give Moderation Management a go? You can sign up to participate with their online discussion and join in with the other folk who are going through the exact struggle you're living out.
You'll have to harden your heart to bear to observe how it goes for these good folk, but it might be a worthwhile learning experience for you.
You'll have to harden your heart to bear to observe how it goes for these good folk, but it might be a worthwhile learning experience for you.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I don't think my first post was the same as yours but in my head it was. It took me I think 3 years or so to get to the point where I really accepted that I would be happier without drinking. (Basically that drinking in moderation, when I could manage it, left me feeling dissatisfied. And drinking to excess... well we all know how that makes us feel).
I don't believe in higher powers in recovery or steps or even that alcoholism is a disease. For me it was very literal. that life without alcohol was a better way to live. But like I said it took years, tears and all kinds of pain for me to get there.
Good luck to you as you navigate this difficult issue!
I don't believe in higher powers in recovery or steps or even that alcoholism is a disease. For me it was very literal. that life without alcohol was a better way to live. But like I said it took years, tears and all kinds of pain for me to get there.
Good luck to you as you navigate this difficult issue!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 14
Thank you all for your responses. Again, this is new to me.
I kind of feel that anything I say will fall on ears that have heard it many times. I could sit here and list all of the positive and negative aspects of my drinking (believe me...been there, done that), but in the end...any real, tangible motivation falls short. Always has.
What is the first step? Not drinking tomorrow? I could do that...surprisingly easily. Seriously. I wouldn't sleep well, but that would be of little consequence. What is the next step? Day two...day three...I eventually get bored. I know that sounds like a defeatist attitude, but I'm trying to be honest.
For me, the three hours or so that I drink every night is MY TIME. My safe place, if you will. No matter what happens on any given day, I always have that....and I enjoy it. It makes me happy. And, I do not mean to suggest that the rest of my life is horrible. It is certainly not. I gain a lot of enjoyment out of my life...and the people I am lucky enough to have in it.
And, to go ahead and get this out of the way, I am not a religious person. I was brought up religious, but I see no need in invoking a deity...as no one would answer. No offense to anyone intended, I assure you. I realize that his is another subject in and of itself.
What would you do if you were me? If more information is needed, then by all means, ask.
Thanks again. You all seem to be very kind and honest individuals.
I kind of feel that anything I say will fall on ears that have heard it many times. I could sit here and list all of the positive and negative aspects of my drinking (believe me...been there, done that), but in the end...any real, tangible motivation falls short. Always has.
What is the first step? Not drinking tomorrow? I could do that...surprisingly easily. Seriously. I wouldn't sleep well, but that would be of little consequence. What is the next step? Day two...day three...I eventually get bored. I know that sounds like a defeatist attitude, but I'm trying to be honest.
For me, the three hours or so that I drink every night is MY TIME. My safe place, if you will. No matter what happens on any given day, I always have that....and I enjoy it. It makes me happy. And, I do not mean to suggest that the rest of my life is horrible. It is certainly not. I gain a lot of enjoyment out of my life...and the people I am lucky enough to have in it.
And, to go ahead and get this out of the way, I am not a religious person. I was brought up religious, but I see no need in invoking a deity...as no one would answer. No offense to anyone intended, I assure you. I realize that his is another subject in and of itself.
What would you do if you were me? If more information is needed, then by all means, ask.
Thanks again. You all seem to be very kind and honest individuals.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,609
For me, the three hours or so that I drink every night is MY TIME. My safe place, if you will. No matter what happens on any given day, I always have that....and I enjoy it. It makes me happy. And, I do not mean to suggest that the rest of my life is horrible. It is certainly not. I gain a lot of enjoyment out of my life...and the people I am lucky enough to have in it.
What would you do if you were me? If more information is needed, then by all means, ask.
What would you do if you were me? If more information is needed, then by all means, ask.
and things got worse in a whole lot of ways...I lost relationships, I lost responsibilities, and I lost the pleasure I used to get from 'my time'....
drinking simply became the absence of existence for a little while...but I kept on drinking...and ultimately I nearly died.
I'm not trying to scare you... that rarely works in my experience
But I am being honest.
I wish I'd done something about my drinking many years before, when I still had a choice - rather than when I had to.
You're obviously not entirely happy with your drinking or you wouldn't be here.
Obviously YOUR TIME is important to you, just as it was to me.
Can you think of other ways to unwind, other ways to get that time to yourself in your life?
D
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
From the way you describe it, you have no desire to change a thing.
OTOH, people who don't see their drinking as a problem don't just land on recovery forums on the internet.
People with an honest desire to cut down on their drinking usually do--IF THEY CAN. Why don't you see how you make out with seriously reducing your drinking. "Moderate" drinking for men is usually no more than two drinks a day; for women only one. If you cannot do that, or cannot do it consistently, you might ask yourself why that is.
OTOH, people who don't see their drinking as a problem don't just land on recovery forums on the internet.
People with an honest desire to cut down on their drinking usually do--IF THEY CAN. Why don't you see how you make out with seriously reducing your drinking. "Moderate" drinking for men is usually no more than two drinks a day; for women only one. If you cannot do that, or cannot do it consistently, you might ask yourself why that is.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
My drinking pattern was not at all like yours...sitting home
for hours with a bottle? Never considered that interdsting
or fun....
Haveing any health issues yet?
My drinking caused me to fall into situational depression.
Externally...I appeared to be living well. Not true.
That's why I decided to quit.
All my best as you explore whatever you need for a sober future.
Welcome...
for hours with a bottle? Never considered that interdsting
or fun....
Haveing any health issues yet?
My drinking caused me to fall into situational depression.
Externally...I appeared to be living well. Not true.
That's why I decided to quit.
All my best as you explore whatever you need for a sober future.
Welcome...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 14
Dee...
You are correct. I am here for a reason whether I choose to do anything about it or not. I have no other means of "unwinding" that I find satisfying...for any length of time.
Lexie...
I assure you that I freely admit that I have a problem...and a part of me wants to change. I have tried in the past to no avail. You are right...I wouldn't be here if this was not the case. I usually drink bourbon (about a pint a night), and I have seriously considered buying a bottle of good scotch (which I like more...but is more expensive)...and limiting myself to two "shots" per day....just to see if it works. Of course, I have not done this as of yet.
I do not know what "OTOH" means. : )
Carol...
Well, yes. My last counselor (psychologist) persuaded me to go to an MD to see where I stood health-wise. A full physical suggested that I had "the body of an alcoholic". His words. My blood work was all out of whack. He prescribed me a multivitamin, extra B12 (thiamine), chlordiazepoxide, and Trazodone for sleep. This was about a year ago. He said it would take over a year to get my body back to square one...if I didn't drink.
Wow. It always feels so strange when I discuss these things openly.
You are correct. I am here for a reason whether I choose to do anything about it or not. I have no other means of "unwinding" that I find satisfying...for any length of time.
Lexie...
I assure you that I freely admit that I have a problem...and a part of me wants to change. I have tried in the past to no avail. You are right...I wouldn't be here if this was not the case. I usually drink bourbon (about a pint a night), and I have seriously considered buying a bottle of good scotch (which I like more...but is more expensive)...and limiting myself to two "shots" per day....just to see if it works. Of course, I have not done this as of yet.
I do not know what "OTOH" means. : )
Carol...
Well, yes. My last counselor (psychologist) persuaded me to go to an MD to see where I stood health-wise. A full physical suggested that I had "the body of an alcoholic". His words. My blood work was all out of whack. He prescribed me a multivitamin, extra B12 (thiamine), chlordiazepoxide, and Trazodone for sleep. This was about a year ago. He said it would take over a year to get my body back to square one...if I didn't drink.
Wow. It always feels so strange when I discuss these things openly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
BTAIM=Be that as it may
ODAAT=One day at a time.
OP=Original post
But now..I am off to bed.
FWIW (for what it's worth) I think the only way for you to get on track is to admit to yourself that alcohol has no place in your life. You gave it a good shot..hung in like a trooper..now you are done. But that is just what I think. If the doctor said you have the body of an alcoholic...yeah. Give it up....Night.
ODAAT=One day at a time.
OP=Original post
But now..I am off to bed.
FWIW (for what it's worth) I think the only way for you to get on track is to admit to yourself that alcohol has no place in your life. You gave it a good shot..hung in like a trooper..now you are done. But that is just what I think. If the doctor said you have the body of an alcoholic...yeah. Give it up....Night.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 518
Hi DJD, welcome to this forum.
I was like you for a few years, even less so with the volume (pint of bourbon) --- I thoroughly looked forward to my 2-3 drinks of wine a night (my time) after work, etc....
Then all of a sudden -- unbeknownst to even myself i started to drink a few (ahead of time of course) at lunch.. sporadically, then regularly... I tried to regulate, but every reason I had; good news, bad news all deserved to have a celebratory or consolatory drink.
I never drank out of hand, have a good job, never had blackouts - or in trouble. relationship and family life is very good. But I knew, deep down that something was amuck. I started to search, to find answers --- and much like yourself landed here.
I still don't believe I quit because I was/is an alcoholic --- I quit because I knew (because of my addiction to nicotine and how hard it was to quit) that if I kept it up for a few more years that I would certainly not be able to control it.
Moderation didn't work for me, because if I was holding off I was still thinking of it - which is just as bad IMO.
I decided to stop for good 11/11/10 ---- and it has been an amazing decision. At first very scary, and a few learning curves along the way. Christmas was a little difficult, but I have been in Las Vegas for business this whole week (and I thought it would be hard) but it has been one of the more enjoyable trips here in the past decade or so, and I come here about 5x a year.
I still go out (mind you not as late), have diet coke for dinner, and wake up happier than ever (before the wake up call). My recreational poker game has vastly improved)) wow --- it is really easy to beat drunks!!! like stealing candy from a baby.
Once I accepted that alcohol was no more a part of my life than cigarettes were, I have started to regain a youthful and pleasant outlook on life as a whole - which was a total bonus..
Do what you must, but if you are here at this website, you owe it to yourself (a challenge if you will) to try and quit for 1 year. I can almost promise you that this will be the best year of your life then, when your anniversary nears, decide then if you want to go back --- it will be the best experiment you can make.
I was like you for a few years, even less so with the volume (pint of bourbon) --- I thoroughly looked forward to my 2-3 drinks of wine a night (my time) after work, etc....
Then all of a sudden -- unbeknownst to even myself i started to drink a few (ahead of time of course) at lunch.. sporadically, then regularly... I tried to regulate, but every reason I had; good news, bad news all deserved to have a celebratory or consolatory drink.
I never drank out of hand, have a good job, never had blackouts - or in trouble. relationship and family life is very good. But I knew, deep down that something was amuck. I started to search, to find answers --- and much like yourself landed here.
I still don't believe I quit because I was/is an alcoholic --- I quit because I knew (because of my addiction to nicotine and how hard it was to quit) that if I kept it up for a few more years that I would certainly not be able to control it.
Moderation didn't work for me, because if I was holding off I was still thinking of it - which is just as bad IMO.
I decided to stop for good 11/11/10 ---- and it has been an amazing decision. At first very scary, and a few learning curves along the way. Christmas was a little difficult, but I have been in Las Vegas for business this whole week (and I thought it would be hard) but it has been one of the more enjoyable trips here in the past decade or so, and I come here about 5x a year.
I still go out (mind you not as late), have diet coke for dinner, and wake up happier than ever (before the wake up call). My recreational poker game has vastly improved
)) wow --- it is really easy to beat drunks!!! like stealing candy from a baby.Once I accepted that alcohol was no more a part of my life than cigarettes were, I have started to regain a youthful and pleasant outlook on life as a whole - which was a total bonus..
Do what you must, but if you are here at this website, you owe it to yourself (a challenge if you will) to try and quit for 1 year. I can almost promise you that this will be the best year of your life
then, when your anniversary nears, decide then if you want to go back --- it will be the best experiment you can make.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Carol...
Well, yes. My last counselor (psychologist) persuaded me to go to an MD to see where I stood health-wise. A full physical suggested that I had "the body of an alcoholic". His words. My blood work was all out of whack. He prescribed me a multivitamin, extra B12 (thiamine), chlordiazepoxide, and Trazodone for sleep. This was about a year ago. He said it would take over a year to get my body back to square one...if I didn't drink.
Well, yes. My last counselor (psychologist) persuaded me to go to an MD to see where I stood health-wise. A full physical suggested that I had "the body of an alcoholic". His words. My blood work was all out of whack. He prescribed me a multivitamin, extra B12 (thiamine), chlordiazepoxide, and Trazodone for sleep. This was about a year ago. He said it would take over a year to get my body back to square one...if I didn't drink.
need to abstain from alcohol to improve your chances
for a future.
Dying from drinking is very painful....messy and un-necessary.
Please get medical help with this situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
DD Welcome and glad you are here. You have our support.
I can't add much more then already amazing amount of shares and experience given and certainly the loads more that are out there.
Drinking was progressive for me. It wasn't really fun. The only joy I found in it before it completely consumed me (oh yeah thats a joy to realize something you chose to do now controls you....and yeah it happened to me) was in the beginning when I used it to cope, deal, escape from issues I wasn't addressing. I wasn't happy but I found relief at first from drinking. I forgot and didn't care.
What happened next were years of depression, low self esteem, self destruction and watching myself whither away as a positive productive person. Intelligent, educated, good jobs, attractive, nice social life and all that went out the window. I sat at home isolated and stopped living life.....just focused on when I would be able to drink. Pretty scary and dark days indeed for me.
Moderation, cutting back.....like most folks here....yeah didn't work so well for me and I kept going right back to it. The true insanity for me was why the heck did I keep doing something I didn't like doing? I mean really? My health began to suffer (oh yeah that one just creeped up one day and got worse and worse) and I realized that I was making ever song and dance up to justify the drinking. Everything became an excuse to drink.
I quit and yes quitting for one day wasn't a problem for me. I even quit and got a few months in but again I went back. I found I had 2 problems. I was an alcoholic and needed help and I had years of bottled up issues that initially led me to drink along with the years of destruction I caused myself while drinking.
Since I got into recovery....I have addressed my past and learned how to handle stress, get my self esteem back in order and become that positive person I was. It has been an all over change for the better.
I don't drink because I am a recoverying alcoholic who is enjoying every bit of my life again and has the clarity now to never want that thing in my life.
Kinda funny but no one drinks nearly as much as I thought when I was boozing. In reality it was really just me and my mind again making excuses that it is alright.
Keep on reading and know that there are many support options available to get into recovery. Looking forward to the journey!
I can't add much more then already amazing amount of shares and experience given and certainly the loads more that are out there.
Drinking was progressive for me. It wasn't really fun. The only joy I found in it before it completely consumed me (oh yeah thats a joy to realize something you chose to do now controls you....and yeah it happened to me) was in the beginning when I used it to cope, deal, escape from issues I wasn't addressing. I wasn't happy but I found relief at first from drinking. I forgot and didn't care.
What happened next were years of depression, low self esteem, self destruction and watching myself whither away as a positive productive person. Intelligent, educated, good jobs, attractive, nice social life and all that went out the window. I sat at home isolated and stopped living life.....just focused on when I would be able to drink. Pretty scary and dark days indeed for me.
Moderation, cutting back.....like most folks here....yeah didn't work so well for me and I kept going right back to it. The true insanity for me was why the heck did I keep doing something I didn't like doing? I mean really? My health began to suffer (oh yeah that one just creeped up one day and got worse and worse) and I realized that I was making ever song and dance up to justify the drinking. Everything became an excuse to drink.
I quit and yes quitting for one day wasn't a problem for me. I even quit and got a few months in but again I went back. I found I had 2 problems. I was an alcoholic and needed help and I had years of bottled up issues that initially led me to drink along with the years of destruction I caused myself while drinking.
Since I got into recovery....I have addressed my past and learned how to handle stress, get my self esteem back in order and become that positive person I was. It has been an all over change for the better.
I don't drink because I am a recoverying alcoholic who is enjoying every bit of my life again and has the clarity now to never want that thing in my life.
Kinda funny but no one drinks nearly as much as I thought when I was boozing. In reality it was really just me and my mind again making excuses that it is alright.
Keep on reading and know that there are many support options available to get into recovery. Looking forward to the journey!
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