So glad I did not pick up a bottle last night
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
So glad I did not pick up a bottle last night
Hi,
Not posted in a while. I've been away on business and pretty busy. But it has been this travelling and being put into new situations that has stressed me out I think.
I have to thank my sobriety for allowing me to work at the level I am working again and the focus I have regained. When I drank I could not have kept up the consistent schedule of working late and starting early on my new contract.
Last night on the train coming home I was presented with the irresistible urge to drink and start smoking. I've been sober now for 82 days and a non smoker for around 40. I've no wife or kids, am 36. I don't know if it was the idea of going home to an empty house or all of the other stresses in my life but I was really crushing for a bottle of scotch and a pack of smokes. Instead I ordered take out food pizza and zucchini stick and pigged out on that. So I gave in on my diet but not on sobriety.
This morning I feel SOOOOOOOO glad I did not give in. I can't imagine the anguish I would be in now after throwing away 82 days.
I drink, or that is to say drank, to repress the feelings I had and the sadness. So it's easier to recognize why I want to drink. It's funny in a way. When I get the urge to drink I have to consciously think. "Wait. Stop, what are you feeling? Oh yeah...I'm feeling sad." It's ridiculous but I've spent so long repressing that I don't even know what I feel anymore. I have to actually take my own emotional temperature at times.
I still don't have a steady job and I just sold my house. I feel better about the path I'm on but it's a hell of a struggle. I'm glad to be sober but I do miss the crutch that is alcohol and cigarettes. I guess that means I have more work to do. I think years of work.
I'm lucky to have engrossing work to do. And my dog. She rocks.
And a gym. I need to join a gym.
Guess I'm just venting. So glad I did not pick up a bottle last night.
Not posted in a while. I've been away on business and pretty busy. But it has been this travelling and being put into new situations that has stressed me out I think.
I have to thank my sobriety for allowing me to work at the level I am working again and the focus I have regained. When I drank I could not have kept up the consistent schedule of working late and starting early on my new contract.
Last night on the train coming home I was presented with the irresistible urge to drink and start smoking. I've been sober now for 82 days and a non smoker for around 40. I've no wife or kids, am 36. I don't know if it was the idea of going home to an empty house or all of the other stresses in my life but I was really crushing for a bottle of scotch and a pack of smokes. Instead I ordered take out food pizza and zucchini stick and pigged out on that. So I gave in on my diet but not on sobriety.
This morning I feel SOOOOOOOO glad I did not give in. I can't imagine the anguish I would be in now after throwing away 82 days.
I drink, or that is to say drank, to repress the feelings I had and the sadness. So it's easier to recognize why I want to drink. It's funny in a way. When I get the urge to drink I have to consciously think. "Wait. Stop, what are you feeling? Oh yeah...I'm feeling sad." It's ridiculous but I've spent so long repressing that I don't even know what I feel anymore. I have to actually take my own emotional temperature at times.
I still don't have a steady job and I just sold my house. I feel better about the path I'm on but it's a hell of a struggle. I'm glad to be sober but I do miss the crutch that is alcohol and cigarettes. I guess that means I have more work to do. I think years of work.
I'm lucky to have engrossing work to do. And my dog. She rocks.
And a gym. I need to join a gym.
Guess I'm just venting. So glad I did not pick up a bottle last night.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Congratulations on not drinking, that's awesome. I can relate to the morning after feeling of, "thank God I didn't cave in last night." And not giving in last night made you just a little bit stronger for next time the feelings of drinking come up.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey. Nice one on not picking up that drink, it simply ain't a viable solution for an alcoholic. I think you've got some fantastic self awareness about the reasons why you drank and may crave a drink or rather crave the effects of alcohol on your emotions/feelings. I love what you say about having to take your own "emotional temperature" at times! Fantastic way of putting it and I can relate. I also think it's great how you realise that it's not so much the drink you want but rather not wanting to feel certain emotions ie- sadness, so the immediate quick fix/comfort of getting wasted appears. Through working through and discovering these things about your situation should lead to really good emotional and mental growth and recovery.
I also relate to thanking your sobriety for allowing you to work at your current level, without my sobriety I wouldn't be working period, ha-ha...
It's also great that you appreciate that there is much work and recovery to do and it inevitably takes time to heal 'one day at a time'.
Nice one and thanks for your post!!
Peace
I also relate to thanking your sobriety for allowing you to work at your current level, without my sobriety I wouldn't be working period, ha-ha...
It's also great that you appreciate that there is much work and recovery to do and it inevitably takes time to heal 'one day at a time'.
Nice one and thanks for your post!!
Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
It's amazing how hard some days are and how much of a breeze others are now. When I first started I was in a really bad spiral so I could see the benefits of quitting. Now I'm fighting against wanting to try to be "normal" again. Be a regular drinker like the rest of the people out there.
Thanks for your thoughts. I wonder how many of us struggle in differnet ways during different times in sobriety. My sobriety now is not the same as it was at the beginning. I get the feeling it won't be the same in a year or again in 5?
Thanks for your thoughts. I wonder how many of us struggle in differnet ways during different times in sobriety. My sobriety now is not the same as it was at the beginning. I get the feeling it won't be the same in a year or again in 5?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 316
It doesn't sound ridiculous, it sounds legitimate and honest. Learning how to feel emotion takes time when you've always numbed it. The challenges you're facing are very real, but it sounds like you're up for it. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Louisiana...GO SAINTS!!!
Posts: 22
I know how you feel...happiness is waking up knowing you did not drink the night before. Have you thought about volunteering or getting involved in something interesting on your time of? Keeping busy helps...I know it is helping me. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by Tendencies 
This morning I feel SOOOOOOOO glad I did not give in. I can't imagine the anguish I would be in now after throwing away 82 days.
I have yet to pop out of bed in the morning and say, "Damn, I wish I drank last night!" It just doesn't happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Hey T!! I am so glad you rode it out ...82 days. You don't want to trash that! Relapses happen to people that have YEARS of sobriety. Just thinking the whole thing thru to the end KNOWING you will never be able to drink just one and thinking of the horrible anxiety filled hangover is a good one to use. Glad you will wake up to a hangoverless morning! Way to go!
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